"If you know nothing else in life, Jack, know this. I'll always be there for you," Manny promised, wrapping his arms more tightly around me as we sat outside under the stars.
"Promise, Manny?" I asked.
"Cross my heart, Jack in the box. I'll never leave you."
But the words were fading and so were his arms. He was disappearing, slipping away.
"Manny! Manny, no! Don't go, please. Manny, you promised," I screamed, sitting upright on my sofa, wrapped in unfamiliar arms. I sobbed into a chest not caring who it belonged to. All I knew was I hurt.
"Shh, Jack. It's okay, baby. I'm here."
Nick Carter. Nick Carter. Nick Carter. Those arms belonged to him, that chest held his beating heart. He was the one holding on to me when I wanted to slip away. I didn't care. I only cried.
People like Manny didn't die. They weren't supposed to die. He was too young, too full of life. He had too much he still had to do. He was one of those people who were a real gift to the world, he cared and he gave and he helped. People like him didn't die. Not when he still had a lifetime of things to do. It didn't make sense. Why would God take him now? What point was there? What good could Manny do in heaven instead of what he was doing down here?
I was so confused. I didn't understand and I didn't know who to ask for answers. All I knew was it hurt. Everything hurt. It hurt to breathe, to think, to feel, to cry, to love, to be. It just hurt and what hurt most was there wasn't a reason for the pain. There wasn't a reason in the world for losing Manny and there wasn't a reason in heaven above for the pain I felt.
And for the next two days the pain and confusion was all I knew. Jake came to see me along with Eric and Quin. Their wives, their kids, our father came to see me. Kevin, Brian, Howie, A.J., their wives, their kids came to see me. I didn't talk, didn't think, didn't feel anything but the pain. I didn't care that the ones I loved were hurting too, didn't care that they were worried about me, and I didn't care that my pain only made theirs worse. All I cared about was how much it hurt.
I didn't even care that Nick never left my side. He slept on my sofa, he made sure I ate something, he talked to me, and he held me when tears I didn't realize I still had spilled from my eyes. When everything you are is snatched from your life I suppose you won't care who wipes away the tears. All you care about is why you're shedding tears in the first place.
On the third day I showered and dressed and Nick drove me to the church for the funeral. I suppose I should have said something about how wonderful Manny was, about how he touched lives, how he cared, and how much he was loved. I should have stood up in that church and told my friends and family, the people who loved my brother that he wouldn't have wanted to see them cry for him. I should have done a hundred different things. What I did was sit in stony silence throughout the whole service.
I listen to my father talk about the boy Manny had been, to Jake describe the man he had become, to Eric remember the friend he was, and to Quin talk about the brother he would always be. Memories, emotions, thoughts. They all swirled together in me head as I sat staring at a casket that held a man I didn't believe could really be dead.
As each of them stepped down they looked at me. I knew they wondered if I would say anything, wondered if I would fall apart.
I wondered too. I wondered what I was doing there, wondered what day it was, wondering if the sun was shining outside. I wondered if I remembered to unplug my hair dryer, if I locked the door when I left, if Kate knew why I hadn't been in the office for three days.
Why. Why? Why hadn't I been in the office? I had a million things to do before the tour started. I didn't have time for thisâ€| thisâ€| What was this? Why was I here?
"Jack," someone whispered in my ear. I turned to see Nick watching me, his blue eyes filled with concern.
"What did you call me?" I asked him.
"Jack," he repeated, the concern mixing with confusion then.
"You never call me Jack. You always call me Walker. When you say Jack I think something is wrong," I laughed.
It was a bitter laugh, an empty laugh devoid of emotion, of humor, of hope. It was a laugh filled with pain and sarcasm and lifelessness. There was nothing left to laugh about and no one left to laugh with.
"Walker, baby, you all right?" he asked and I noted the change from Jack to Walker and gave him a lifeless smile.
"Just peachy, Carter. Why wouldn't I be all right? My brother dies every day so I'm wonderful. Every day I sit in a church and listen to people babble on about what a wonderful person Manny was. Not is but was. So yeah, Nick, I'm just great."
Silence is the loudest sound you'll ever hear. It echoes, it screams, it bangs on the walls and through your head. Louder than the engine on an airplane, a marching band, the winds of a hurricane. Silence.
And that was what I got when I stopped talking. I slowly turned to see everyone in the church watching me. Tears, sobs, pain, anguish. It filled the church. Quin stood up front staring at me, tears rolling down his face. He cried for Manny but I knew when his eyes met mine he cried for me as well.
"This is what makes love such a dangerous thing. I want no part of it anymore. Not even from my family. It's not worth it. Nothing in the world is worth this much pain. Certainly not something as hateful as love," I screamed and ran from the church.
I heard the gasps of surprise, saw the people staring at me, felt the pity they felt for me. I didn't want nor need any of it. I wished I had never known them, any of them, but especially Manny. No matter what else happened in my life I would never get past how much it hurt to have loved him and I didn't want to spend the rest of my life in that kind of pain.
I tried to block the sound of the following footsteps from my mind but the hand that grabbed my shoulder could not be ignored.
"Walker, stop," Nick demanded.
"Get off of me and get the hell away from me," I screamed, pulling
my arm
from his grasp. "Don't touch me, Nick. I can't do this. I can't
feel like
this. This is what your wonderful love did to me. I can't do this.
I can't
love and feel like this when something happens. Stay away from me. I
don't
want you in my life, I don't want my family in my life, and I don't
even want
Backstreet anymore. Just leave me alone, Nick. Please leave me
alone. I
can't feel like this," I sobbed, feeling my legs give out beneath me.
I
crumpled into Nick's arms.
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