Do you ever lay in bed at night and wonder how you got to that point in your life? Ever wonder where all the years in your life went? You know, going from child to adult and never realizing you were no longer a child. I wonder if everyone lies awake at night at some point and tries to figure out how they lost track of the path they were following in life.
My name is Jacklyn Walker but to the world I'm Jack. On my last birthday I turned thirty-two years old. I have a father, four brothers, three uncles, and seven male cousins. I'm the youngest of my family so when a girl came into a male dominated family it just seemed obvious to call her Jack and that's me.
I've had a good life, an amazing life really. Yes, I lost my mother at a young age but that's the only sorrow I've ever known. I've been surrounded by my family's love, had a successful career, done everything I thought I wanted to do, had friends, laughed, enjoyed life, been places, seen things, lived.
Or at least I thought I had lived. No, that's not fair to the path I have followed. I have lived. I have lived happily and successfully and thoroughly, but maybe I haven't lived the way I was supposed to. Maybe at some point I took a turn on my path that was possibly the wrong turn.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and wonder if this is the point I'm suppose to be at in my life. Maybe I should have done this or maybe I should have done that. Was I suppose to make that choice or this choice? What if I had said that instead of this? And where, where have the last thirty years gone?
See we spend our lives dancing around the shadows of life. The things that hurt, that cause tears, that make us shy away from the things that give us the most joy are the shadows I refer to. We never face death or broken hearts or any of kind of loss until we have to. Until the shadows force us from the light, take over everything in us. It's a dance, a beautiful, graceful, painful dance that we call life.
So at what point do you realize that you've spent your whole life in one shadow just to avoid all the others?
"Going home anytime tonight?"
The voice shook me out of my thoughts forcing me to look up and smile.
In the doorway of my office was my best friend Annie McLean. She was one of the good choices in my life, one of the things I know I have done right.
"Me? Why aren't you home already with your feet up? That kid of yours does not need to make her first appearance in the middle of the Fun Club office," I warned, standing up to my full height of five feet nine inches. That left me a full eight inches over Annie's head.
"My orders are to have you and everyone else out of this office by six o'clock. It's now after seven so if my little girl decides to come it's all your fault," Annie teased, smiling at me.
She was the most beautiful individual you could possibly know both inside and out. She was the wife of A.J. McLean and mother of their four-year-old son Jamie and best friend to the world. Everyone needed an Annie in his or her life. She was a gift you were thankful for every time she smiled at you.
"I guess I just let my mind wander for a few minutes. I wanted to get the last report read before I head out," I confessed, rubbing the stiff muscles in my neck.
"What were you thinking about? Is everything alright?"
The concern in her eyes and on her face tugged at my heart. She loved so completely and so openly.
"I'm fine. Just thinking. Go home and give the boys a kiss for me," I said, turning her toward the doorway.
"Do you want to come to dinner? It's Alex's night to cook," she offered.
A.J. or Alex as Annie called him was the best cook. I don't know why the man loved McDonald's so much when he had that kind of talent in the kitchen.
"No thanks, sweetie. I'm actually supposed to stop by Brian and Leighanne's to see the new puppy they bought for Bannah. Then I told Howie and Kymmi I would come by and see their new place. Plus Kevin had some papers I told him I would pick up for the press conference," I explained, wondering briefly how all those things ended up being planned in that one night.
"Oh I see. Making the Backstreet round tonight," Annie teased.
"Well three out of the four anyway."
"Five, Jack. I still can't believe that as wrapped up as you are in our lives you've never met Nicky."
"I've met him," I defended. How else could I do my job if I had never met him?
"But you don't know him," Annie argued.
Okay, so she had a point. I didn't know Nick. Oh, we had met, talked briefly at various conferences and meetings. Every time he would introduce himself, I would say I knew who he was, then offer my own name. He would be surprised, claim he thought I was a man, then we would drift apart. It was a dance I knew quite well.
I suppose I've wondered why I wasn't as attached to Nick as I was the others. Maybe it was because he was younger or because we simply had nothing in common. I think deep down though I always knew.
Nick Carter was the last remaining Backstreet bachelor. He wasn't married and the truth was he wasn't even seeing anyone. Because of that he scared me. He was completely open to attempt to steal my heart and my heart was under lock and key. He could have tried to love me or he could have tried to make me love him and I didn't want that.
And so there was my shadow that I lived in.
Links to other sites on the Web
© 1997 crunkgrl62382@yahoo.com
Get your own Free Home Page