…You know with anything you do
There is a hundred people bringing you down
No matter who you are,
Let them make you cuz they’ll break you
Let them love you cuz they’ll hate you even more
If no one else believes in you
I’m completely yours
I’ve got so much faith in you
No matter what this life puts in front of you
You can save the world
I have so much faith in you
- P.M. Dawn, "Faith in You"
It had already been a long night – or rather day. The Backstreet Boys were in Los Angeles for the filming of their video for "Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely" and because of the theme, were working the night shift. The air was cold forcing Howie to button the collar of his dark wool coat around his neck. He glanced toward Nick and A.J. who had been successful in their hunt for hot coffee.
Howie glanced at his watch – 2 a.m., then felt a shiver of fear as he surveyed his surroundings. Not exactly Beverly Hills, but not quite Compton. Still it was the personification of seedy. Normally, he would have avoided this type of place at this time of night. It did lend that sense of darkness and melancholy that they had envisioned when director Stuart Gosling first approached them with idea.
There was an irony, Howie realized as he fiddled with one of the buttons on his jacket, that the Boys had released this particular song and were making this particular video. It mirrored his life.
He thought for a moment about some of the scenes they were filming. Brian reflecting on his own mortality. Kevin remembering the father he loved so much. Howie, himself, coping with his sister Caroline’s passing.
Caroline. He wondered what she might think of her brother’s rapidly sinking level of self-esteem. She would listen and give his some advice certainly. She had always been there for him. It would break her heart to know that he felt even the least bit depressed or lonely. Maybe he should have opted to highlight his current state of mind, but that would have garnered a lot of questions, questions he could not answer.
Howie wondered now when this would end. He hated to feel this way. He should be thankful for all he had. He had the love of his family and friends. Despite the lack of spotlight, he really loved being a Backstreet Boy and wouldn’t want to live his life any other way. So, why should he concern himself with the amount of adoration he received from the fans?
It just came down to one reason. He was a person unlike anyone else. He craved attention. He needed to feel as though he belonged, as though he was loved. He had a heart and a soul like anyone else and that was unfortunate in a brutal business like this.
He shook himself from his reverie recognizing that he was zoning out much too often lately then realized that A.J. was trying to get his attention. "Hey, D. Yo, Howie! You with us?"
"Yeah," he answered none-too-enthusiastically.
"This is for you. One of the fans wanted you to have it."
"Huh?" Howie raised his brown eyes and blinked before finally noticing the envelope in A.J.’s grasp. He reached for the note with a shaky hand. "Oh, thanks."
A comforting hand rested on his shoulder. "You sure you’re okay?"
"Hmm? Yeah, fine, thanks."
A.J. stared at his friend for a moment trying to read the emotions in the cloudy brown eyes. Finally, he just shook his head and walked away. Once he realized he was alone again, Howie carefully slid his finger under the flap and pulled out the letter. He silently scanned the words on the paper.
It said all that the other letters did. It spoke of talent, of not letting the critics get him down. She spoke of her own life, her hardships. His circumstances weren’t the same as hers, but the emotions they felt were the same. He read the last line once more.
You have touched my life more than you’ll ever know, in a way I’ll never forget.
A tear left a hot trail down the chilled skin of his cheek.
Only minutes later, Howie dragged A.J. aside. "Bone, where did this come from?"
"One of the girls over there," he shrugged and pointed to the small group of fans behind the ropes. "It’s a wonder they’re still here."
"Which one?"
"Uh, I remember she was older…she had no interest in talking to Kevin or me, just asked where you were then asked me to give you the note…"
"Is she still here, A.J.?"
"Well…"
Howie was becoming frustrated. "Could you point her out to me?"
"I think.." Before A.J. was able to finish his sentence, Howie had nearly dragged him to the crowd. The younger man’s eyes surveyed the faces of those present. "There."
Howie looked in the direction A.J. pointed. His brown eyes widened. This wasn’t a girl. This was a woman. She stood nearly his height and had hazel eyes and brown hair with auburn highlights. Their eyes connected as he approached.
"Cecilia?" He timidly asked her remembering the flourished signature at the bottom of the letter. The woman nodded. Without a second thought, he wrapped her in a hug. Howie felt her sigh contentedly. "How?" he whispered in her ear.
"I understand, Howie. I knew what you needed."
"Thank you. " He retreated from her only to look in her eyes.
"I have so much faith in you. Things may always be this way. Someone has to provide the harmony. Even if they never change, never forget that you have place."
Howie shook his head. "It will never be same. YOU
have touched my life more than you’ll ever know... In
a way I’ll never forget."
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