Waiting to Lose

by Brekke

SPOILERS: Blurk. I wouldn't know. Set before New Moon Rising.

DISCLAIMER: Strangely enough - not mine. Bet you're surprised.

SUMMARY: Tara knows it's only a matter of time.

NOTES: My first Buffy fic. I used to write XF-fic, but trying this story has taught me there is a big difference between the two. Please forgive any lack of knowledge I have since I only started watching Buffy this season.

After reading all the fantastic W/T fic out there, this feels really inadequate, but please forgive me. And don't be afraid to criticize.

Be gentle with me, I'm learning.

***

A flicker of a contented smile swept across Willow's lips as she slept. 'That's because of me', thought Tara, wrapping her arm tighter around Willow's waist and gently trailing the fingers of her other hand through Willow's blazing red hair.

Willow always fell asleep before Tara did whenever they made love. Tara didn't mind - she loved watching Willow sleep. It always amused Tara that Willow could be such a whirlwind of passion and action and then curl up so suddenly once they were both sated, like a kitten after a saucer of warm milk.

It took Tara much longer to reach sleep. She was often almost reluctant to let herself give in to it when she had her Willow so peaceful and vulnerable in her arms.

These moments - with Willow curled so tightly against her side with her head resting against her chest, red hair splayed every which way - these were the moments Tara could forget about everything that stood in their way and pretend Willow really was hers.

Because, in the light of the waking day, Tara knew better.

She'd been attracted to Willow from the first. Not just a physical attraction (though the pretty, petite redhead had been near irresistable) but an emotional one. She'd known better than to expect thunderbolts by now, but the shock of energy that had shot through her when their hands had met in that basement had come pretty damn close. And she was cetain that it hadn't been just the magic.

She knew Willow had felt it too. The look in her eyes still burned in her mind. It was the same look she saw in her eyes now, every time they went to kiss. Darkend with need, rawly sexual, and heartbreakingly honest.

'This is meant to be' she'd told herself then. 'This was destined.'

She knew better now.

The first time Willow had mentioned Oz, Tara had been intrigued. She wanted to know everything about this woman who'd managed to bury herself in her heart like a quicksilver arrow. But soon after she'd asked, she wished she hadn't.

Willow's eyes had softend immediately. Her expression became sad and longing. She'd broken away from Tara's gaze. "He was, um, a *friend*," she'd mumbled. "My boyfriend," she'd corrected herself finally.

"O-O-Oh," Tara had replied, fighting the fear that was bubbling in her stomach. "Wh-Wh-What H-Happened?"

Willow bit had her lip in a heart wrenching gesture. Her eyes were filling with tears. "He-he left," she whispered. "He promised he'd come back when...when.." She'd broken off, tears welling in her eyes. She'd gotten up quickly. "I, uh, I have to go," she whispered and rushed out of Tara's room.

That was before they'd become involved. Tara had curled up in her bed that night and cried into a pillow until sleep claimed her. She'd known from the look in Willow's eyes as she spoke of Oz, that she still loved him. The realisation that the heart she most desired to have was already taken near destroyed her.

She swore she'd felt her heart break that night. She felt as though she'd lost the one person who could make her whole and there was a gaping hole where she'd been.

The knowledge that Willow had never really been hers had only made her cry harder. They were only friends, she told herself. She had no right to feel this way.

She'd sworn to herself that night to give Willow whatever she needed and never to ask anything in return. Her friendship, whenever she needed it, her magic, whenever she needed to use it, and if she ever asked, her sex.

She would not ask Willow to love her. Tara knew Willow's heart lay elsewhere. Having Willow in her life would have to be enough.

Willow had come to her two weeks later, the night after their spell-making. Tara'd had to work hard to remember her promise to herself that night.

"I'm scared," Willow whispered to her in the darkness after their first kiss. "But in the good way," she added with a glimmer of a hesitant smile.

"So am I," Tara had confessed shyly. "But in the good way." She'd cupped Willow's face in her hands, letting her fingers stroke her hair. "Good scared is alright isn't it?" she'd asked softly. Shakily.

Willow had nodded almost imperceptibly. "Good scared is..." she began, rapidly becoming distracted by Tara's mouth descending towards hers again. "..good." She'd breathed out and their lips had met.

Willow had fallen asleep first that night, of course, setting the trend for the nights together that were to follow. She'd curled up in Tara's arms like she'd done so many times since and Tara had held her contentedly.

But as she finally drifted off to sleep that first night, she'd heard Willow whisper a single word full of love and longing while she slept:

"Oz."

That first night she had dreamt of Willow leaving her. Luckily the tears had dried by the time Willow had woken up.

Loving Willow was amazing and Tara didn't want to give it up. She wasn't even sure now if she could. She savoured every touch between them, every word and every silent moment. She gathered them together in her memory for the long drought she knew was coming.

It was only a matter of time, Tara knew. But she could be content in the moment, she told herself, and try to forget just how much she was waiting to lose.

Tara was brought back to the present by Willow shifting in her arms to nestle her face in her neck, while she slept. Tara fought down the tears that always rose when she thought of the day she'd no longer have this. She pulled Willow closer to her and savoured the moment, storing it away with the rest of her Willow moments in that special corner of her memory.

'Be thankful for what you do have,' she told herself and finally let sleep claim her.

Unfortuneately, she didn't stay awake long enough to hear Willow breathe out one word filled with love and longing while she slept:

"Tara."

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