AUTHORS: dru as Faith & Evil Willow as Xander (Go worship the goddess that is EW!)
SERIES: Mile High Club
PAIRING : Faith/Xander
RATING : NC17 (highly smutty
with plenty of salty goodness!)
DISCLAIMER : We do not own these
characters. We just like putting them in lewd positions!
NOTE: dru and EvilWillow started
this, but dru finished it! Please, enjoy!
=====================================================================
PART THREE
Oh.
My. God.
I
pinch myself. Yeah, still awake. She's pregnant? How... Never mind. Airplane
sex without condoms apparently equals baby.
I wait
for the panic or the 'Hell no, it can't be my baby' reaction... but neither of
those things come. All I feel is really, really calm. It's... right. And now I
understand why she stayed away. She wasn't sure how I'd take it.
"It's yours, if you're wondering." I state
matter-of-factly. "I might be a whore in other ways, but not *that*
way." I stop fidgeting with my sweater, although I don't know when I
started. "And I'm keeping the baby. I have enough money to make a pretty
good life. And I'd like you with me, with us, but I'll understand if you're
not, if you don't... I'll understand."
And sitting here staring at her like an idiot is feeding
into those worries. And we can't have *that*. "I'm a dad?" I ask with
a really goofy smile. (I know it's a really goofy smile, because I've been told
when I'm *really* happy about something I get a really goofy smile on my face.) And then I stand up, grab her and
kiss her.
He's
kissing me.
Xander
is kissing me!
OH MY
GOD! HE'S KISSING ME!
And
*I'm* kissing *him*!
His
hands wrap around my waist and pull me close to him as he deepens the kiss and
I have nothing to do, but kiss him back.
I
wrap my hands around his neck and I'm so happy I'm freakin' crying!
Unless... this is his way of punishing me for what I did
to him. Not that he doesn't have the righ- SHUT UP, Faith! I really have to
stop myself. But I can't. I guess I'm one of those people who really *is* her
own worst enemy.
I
can't believe I'm actually kissing her. I've dreamed about it for months but
I'd pretty much got to the point where I believed I wouldn't ever see her
again. But now she's here and she's in my arms.
And
she's pregnant. She's gonna have a baby. *My* baby. That's so ... wow.
I'm
going to be a father.
Oh,
god. I'm going to be a father?
Me?
Xander Harris, screw-up? A father? I need to sit down now.
He
pulls away and I'm left feeling cold as he sits. Second thoughts. That's fine.
At least he's not kicking me out. Not yet, anyway.
"Xander,"
I say as I wipe the corners of my mouth. That was such a spectacular kiss.
"I realize this is out of the blue. I've had two months and you... two
minutes. I should have called, but like I said, it was dangerous. Had they
known about you... or the baby-"
"That's
not what's bothering me... I mean I..." I sigh and run a hand through my
hair trying to gather my thoughts.
I grab
her hand and pull her to sit next to me. "Faith, I'm glad you told me. And
I'm happy about this, really I am. Because here I was thinking you didn't want
anything to do with me and now I find out that wasn't the case. And I'm glad
you're keeping this baby.
"So I'm not having second thoughts about wanting you
back and wanting us - you, me and the baby - to be together. But I am having
second thoughts about whether I deserve this."
"Whether
*you* deserve it?" I ask. "You're not serious are you?"
I can't believe he'd eve- "I can't believe you'd even
*think* that."
"I'm
very serious," I say. "Being a father, that's a really huge
responsibility, Faith. Or so I've been told. I don't really have any clue about
that, though. All I know about being a dad, I learned from my father and
unfortunately those were the things *not* to do to your kid.
"And I was so determined, when I first left my house,
never to be anything like him. But..." I look around at my apartment, with
empty beer bottles on every flat surface. "God, look around you, Faith. I
*am* him." I shake my head sadly. "Do you and that baby a favor and
stay away from me. Find someone who can give you the life you deserve."
"You
think *I'm* such a picnic?" I ask. "Let's face it, neither of us had
the best role models.
"But I'd like to think that we learned from our
parent's mistakes. I mean, I don't think you'd ever hurt a child, or anyone for
that matter. *I'm* the killer, remember? At least you never killed anyone!
Hell, even... Even *after* I got out of prison..." I don't wanna tell him. But he should know. But I can't-
"Faith,
I'm not talking about the past. You've obviously got your life back together
now. While I, on the other hand...." I shrug. "You saw me last night.
Trust me, it's not a one-time thing, either."
"Last week, Xander!" I burst out. "I killed
someone last week," I say quieter. I don't want him to think I'm a
monster. But I did what I had to do and if it gives me one little chance with
him, I'm willing to risk it.
I look
over at her and I really don't know what to say. I don't know what to think,
either. Except that we're going to have a baby.
And for some reason, I find this whole thing really, really
bizarre. *We're* going to be parents? I
can't help myself, I start laughing. I'm pretty sure I've lost my mind but I'm
completely at peace with that fact.
I
guess that's my answer.
He's
laughing at me, probably just trying to figure out how to get the hell out of
the building and away from a deranged killer.
Well,
I'll make it easy. I stand up and turn quickly before heading to the door.
"Wait..."
God, she doesn't understand. I get myself under control and say, "I'm not
laughing at *you*, Faith. Look at this from an outsider's perspective. I'm ...
well I'm pretty sure I'm flirting with becoming and alcoholic and you.. well
you've got your issues, too. And we're going to have a baby?
"This is really scary," I admit. "Even
without our major issues, the thought of being parents scares me. But add our
problems and this scares the hell out of me. And when I'm scared about
something, I always hide behind humor, even when it's not appropriate at the
time. I'm sorry that you thought I was laughing at you. I wasn't."
"And
I cope by running away," I say. "Running or fighting."
I
follow him back to the couch and sit next to him. "Quite a pair we are.
This kid doesn't even stand a chance."
"But...
I never once thought of *not* having it. Never." I take his hand and place
it on my stomach. "This baby is *ours*, Xander. And it's the one thing in
my life I don't plan to fuck up, if I haven't already by being a killer."
I
feel his fingers rubbing my stomach and get shivers. It's been so long since...
since I've felt anything like this before. Happy. This is a new one for me,
even though it's not definite that I'll be staying with him. Or here.
"So you don't like your job anymore?"
"My job?" I shrug. "Yeah, I like it... it's
the only reason I don't drink *every* night." Well hopefully not the only
reason anymore, but I just can't get my hopes up about that. Not when I really
think she -they - would both be better off without me.
Hmm. Okay. "But you have today off," I say and
he nods. "Good. I'm starving. Let's go out for breakfast. I know this
great little place downtown. Ten minutes on the EL. Wanna go? We can
talk."
"Food?" I wince at the thought. "In my
experience, food doesn't mix with a hang-over. At least not for a few hours.
But I'll go with you and watch you eat, while we talk," I agree.
"Okay.
Good. I have to eat or else I'll get sick."
He
changes his clothes without another word and we leave. He follows me to the
nearest stop and we wait a minute in silence before getting on. We sit, again
in silence. Guess he needs some time to think, and that's cool.
I
mean, I just dropped this bombshell on him and he needs time to think things
through.
"So, how was the wedding?" I ask because I can't
take the silence. To me, silence is not deafening, it's deadly.
"Wedding?"
It takes me a few seconds to remember what wedding she's talking about.
"Oh, it was fine, I guess. All the happy couples were annoying. But it was
... okay.
"I did wish you hadn't had to leave so quickly. I
couldn't wait to get back to Chicago to..." She knows. Called her two
hundred and twenty-four times. Okay, she doesn't know how *many* times I called
(Thank God!), but she knows I called her.
"I
was running all over. I... I *was* here for about two hours. Just enough time
to find where you lived and get back to the airport."
Then,
I start with predictable Faith and start fidgeting with my fingers. God, I'm so
hungry. I rub my hand over my stomach and remember that a baby is in there. A
*baby*.
That
still amazes me. A baby is inside me.
*Xander's*
baby.
"Who would have thought that we'd end up sharing a
child? Certainly not Bitchorama or Blondie. They'd probably kill me on sight...
Our stop," I say as I stand up.
PART FOUR
I
follow her out and toward the restaurant. "Let's see, by those nicknames I
assume Cordelia and Buffy?" I guess. She nods and I say, "Cordy's
different. Not as judgmental anymore. And Buffy, well, Buffy's married to Angel
so I wouldn't worry 'bout her attention being off of him anytime in the next
... oh... fifty years?
"But I doubt we'll ever run into them again. Like I
told you that day, I really only talk to Willow, anymore." She gives me a
puzzled look and it takes me a minute to realize I'm talking about us in the
'we' sense. Well, shit. I guess I gave away what *I* want to happen with us.
"I mean, um, if you stayed with me we wouldn't be running into them. But
if you didn't want to stay with me, you know, you could go wherever you wanted
and talk to anyone you wanted-" I
decide to just stop talking. Because I'm babbling, and I really hate it
when I do that.
We?
We as
in we? He and I? We?
WE?!
I take his hand as we walk towards the place.
"Well," I say, "*we'll* just have to find someplace to live not
near any of them." Then we walk into the diner and grab my favorite booth.
We're
going to do this? Really?
Was
there any possibility of my surviving it if she left again?
Okay,
good point.
I want
her. And this baby. So we're going to try to make it work.
And
I'm so scared that I'm going to fuck all of this up. But I'm going to try to do
everything possible *not* to. I can be better than him; can't I?
God, I
hope so.
I'm
not sure when we sat down. But here we are. She's sitting across from me and I
take her hands. "Faith, I take back what I said in the apartment. I don't
want you to go find someone else. I want you to stay with me. If that's
selfish, then fine, I'm selfish.
"You
saw, last night, what a disaster I can be but I swear I'll clean up my act. I'm
not saying I'll never disappoint you but I can promise I'll never, ever
intentionally do anything to hurt you or this baby.
"And I want you to promise to severely kick my ass if
I ever even *try* anything of the sort," I finish with a little smile
"I
believe you." I reply. "And I promise that *I'll* never do anything
intentionally to hurt *you* or this baby. Or me, for that matter. I want this,
Xander. Everything I've done in the past few months, it's all been for this
chance. With you.
"And I'm serious. I have enough money. We don't have
to worry about it. But you're gonna have to clean up your apartment," I
add with a smile as the waitress gives us menus. Things are finally looking up.
"I'll
clean the apartment," I reply. "And I promise I won't drink as much
as I have been."
The waitress wanders back up. "Coffee. Black," I
say. "And whatever the lady wants."
I
want *you*, Xander. Naked. On this table.
Damn
it. Being pregnant makes me horny.
Or
maybe it's just *me* making me horny.
Or
maybe it's him.
Yeah,
definitely him.
All
him.
Nothing
to do with the fact that it's been four months and I haven't had time to
breathe, let alone get myself off.
Okay, Faith. Focus. "Orange juice," I say.
"And milk. Two eggs, scrambled, blueberry pancakes with bacon and a bowl
of fruit cocktail." I mean, I'm eating for me and a baby and they say caffeine
is bad for babies. "I've started reading all those mother-to-be
books." I tell him after the waitress is gone. "Ya know, with all the
helpful tips for taking care of yourself and stuff."
"Yeah? You've been to the doctor too, right?" I
ask. I hope so. Four months, that's long enough to know if everything's okay.
Or so I've heard.
"Actually, no," I say shamefully. "I
just... I couldn't risk them finding out. Nothing out of the normal could
happen and seeing an obgyn definitely would have been out of the norm."
"Well
you're going. Tomorrow," I say. "No arguing!" I add when she
opens her mouth to do just that. "This is my baby too and I'll just worry
until I know you're both okay.
"Now that's taken care of, what do you want to do
today?" I ask. "I have the whole day off, you know... if you *want*
to spend the day with me....."
I
want you.
I
want you to ravage me all day long until there's nothing but a puddle of Faith.
But
I'm not too sure he'll be *that* receptive to that since I did lie to him,
deceive him, and treat him like crap. I mean, I can deal with being friends.
But I think with him, I'll always want more.
"Dunno," I shrug. "We could look for a
different apartment," I suggest.
Silly
me for hoping she might want to just go home and ... um, talk. Yeah, *that's*
what I've been thinking about from the moment I saw her this morning.
"What's wrong with my apartment?" I wonder. "I know it's a
little messy but it's big enough. I mean, there's the room next to my bedroom
that I've been using as an office, but it could easily be used as a
nursery..."
I frown, trying to figure out if I'm missing something.
Bedroom, bathroom, living room, kitchen, nursery.... Oh. Bedroom. As in one.
"Of course, you need a room, too. I don't know what I was thinking."
That's not true; I was assuming we'd share the bedroom. Silly me, again. She
just wants a father for her baby. Not necessarily anything more than that.
Oh.
I...
oh. I smile weakly. I guess that proves it. He wants a friend. Separate
bedrooms. "Or I could just stay at m-" Well, that's just stupid. My
place? My dump? My garbage disposal heap? Scratch that.
"We *could* look for a house of somekind. I mean,
I've got enough money," I suggest, just to stop the awkward silence.
"If we found a three or four bedroom, then you could still have an office.
And I could have my ow-" My own room. "Whatever sounds good to
you," I resolve and shut my face. I'd rather not talk anymore.
Okay,
for a minute there I thought she looked disappointed at the idea of having her
own bedroom. And I'm not in the mood for dancing around these things, not on
top of the headache I already have due to my hangover. If we can't talk,
honestly, with each other, this is not going to be a good situation for our
baby.
Having
parents that can't get along; that's not a good thing, I know that first-hand.
I won't have that for my kid.
"Faith, look at me." I wait 'til she meets my
eyes. "Do you want your own room? Don't tell me what you think I want you
to say, tell me what you want. And I'll make it even easier... or possibly more
difficult for you... by saying this: I was actually thinking for a moment that
you came back because you wanted us to be more than friends. And I am willing
to give that a chance if that's what you want but I can't read your mind. Tell
me what you want."
He
wants me?
As in
a chance? He's willing to give me a chance? As in a girlfriend chance? Like he
still sees me as girlfriend potential?
Unless
he's just being nice. He could just not want me to bolt with his kid. Like I'd
ever do that. I have two sisters that I don't remember that well because my dad
fled with the youngest two.
I
would *never* want that to happen. I would never intentionally deprive my child
of it's father.
She's thinking too much about this, still trying to decide
what the right thing to say is. Or maybe she's trying to figure out where the
catch is. And I might regret this, but I've been dying to do it again, since I
saw her this morning. So I lean forward, grab her face in my hands and kiss
her.
He's
kissing me! Xander's kissing me!
Oh my
god, Xander's such a good fucking kisser!
"Xand,"
I moan into his mouth. "Xander." He pulls away and releases my face.
"Sorry,"
he says quickly.
"Why?"
I ask. "Because you're an excellent kisser?" He looks up at me.
"Because you're probably the *best* kisser?" I smile. "That's
not why I pulled away.
"I'm
just conflicted. And I'm not used to this whole honesty thing. But, I'm gonna
try. Here goes." Just say it, Faith. "I don't know if it's the pregnancy,
or *you*, or the fact that I'd been celibate for years and now I'm just craving
it... but..." This is so embarrassing.
"But
I'm really horny. I just don't want you to think that I'm using you again,
because I really didn't mean to in the first place. I just... wanna be sure
that- well, that we're both making our decisions because of what we want. Not
what we feel obligated to."
That wasn't *so* terrible. Right?
She thinks I'm asking her to move in with me because I feel
obligated? Did she not see... "Faith, you saw me last night. Why exactly
do you think I've been drinking myself into unconsciousness every weekend for
the past four months?"
"Dunno," I shrug. I mean, I have an *idea* but I
tend to make myself out to be some sex-goddess in my mind, when in reality-
well, let's not talk about reality.
"Well
I'll tell you," I reply. And a part of me is afraid she's going to think
I'm a complete loser when I say this but I'm the brilliant person who started
the whole 'let's be honest' thing. So here goes nothing.
"I
haven't been able to get you out of my mind, for four months straight. The way
you felt, the way you kissed, but more than that... I had thought that we'd
connected, that we could've really had something. But when you wouldn't respond
to my calls, I figured that... well, to be honest, I figured you'd found
someone better than me.
"So
I tried to forget, but I couldn't. And I could lose myself in my work, during
the week... but on the weekends, it got to be too much. Too lonely. So I used
alcohol to try to get lost, try to forget.
"I'm not saying that my inability to cope was your
fault, don't misunderstand me. I'm just trying to make you understand that I'm
not asking you to be with me now because I feel obligated to. I wanted you four
months ago and I want you now. And when you tell me that you avoided me because
you thought it was safer for me, then I guess I believe you. Because you're
here now, so at least I was wrong when I thought you didn't want me
anymore."
TBC
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