-2
Servants-
AUTHORS : dru & Evil Willow (Go worship the goddess that is EW!)
SERIES: Beauty & the Beast
PAIRINGS : Cordelia/Spike
RATING : NC17 (highly smutty with plenty of delicious yums!)
WARNING: a little violence,
bloodplay and death- as well mild female/female & spike/female
DISCLAIMER : We do not own these
characters.
NOTE : Takes place after season
three of Buffy, but before season four.
=====================================================================
RULERS
: 2 SERVANTS
All
right. What the hell?
I get
up, and take off the necklace and ring, laying them on the dresser. Then I
follow Spike. "Hey." I walk in and he's ignoring me, rummaging
through the little refrigerator. I haven't even been in here, yet.
"Spike,
I didn't mean to brush off what you said," I try to explain. "That
wasn't my intention at all. I was just trying to let you know I wasn't going to
push it if you didn't want to talk about it. And you're right; I don't know
you, but that isn't for lack of trying. I ..."
He's
exhausting in more ways than one, now that I think about it. And I'm still
tired, and he probably wants to sleep. "Whatever I said, I didn't mean it
to sound uncar-" Shit. Okay. Fine. I'll just go with it. "uncaring.
I'm tired and not thinking clearly. I don't want to fight with you."
I notice
she doesn't have the necklace or ring on. Well- ain't *that* a slap in the
face?!
"Forget
it," I shrug as I grab a beer. "Just go get some sleep."
I brush
past her and fall onto the couch with my beer in one hand and the remote in the
other. I'll watch "Good Morning America!" and she can sleep.
I
follow him into the living area. "I can't forget it," I say, standing
next to the couch. "And you can't either, obviously. How did we go from
comfortable and happy to the point where you don't even want to look at
me?" He doesn't even acknowledge me. "Fine," I say. "But if
you think I'm *that* unfeeling, as to purposely brush off whatever you've been
through... you don't know me either. The only thing I can say in my defense is
I'm human. I make mistakes. And I *am* sorry." I turn to walk back to the
bedroom.
I put my
head back and just close my eyes.
Everyone
is just. so. sorry. Aren't they?
So effin'
sorry.
Sorry for
cheating, sorry for hating and hurting and hitting... never loving... oh- wait.
That's *me*.
No one
else has *ever* been sorry.
*I* had
to apologize for *her* cheating on *me*! It was *my* fault that I wasn't 'demon
enough'. It was *my* fault that I couldn't hurt her like she wanted and hated
myself when I finally did. It was *my* fault she never loved me the way she
loved him.
William.
Weak.
Pathetic. Lovesick puppy LOSER who chased one too many people around. Meredith,
Cecily, Drusilla, Angelus, the Slayer, Angel... *too* many.
I *won't*
be him again.
I *hate*
him.
I growl
and throw the beer bottle across the room. It shatters against the wall and the
glass falls to the floor.
I
walk back to bed and sit there for a minute. What the hell just happened here?
I haven't got a clue. But I could tell he wanted to be alone, so whatever.
And I
wish I *could* sleep, but that was never possible when I was in the middle of a
fight. When I got hurt... I didn't speak to Xander, after that. I also didn't
sleep for two weeks. My parents were starting to *seriously* get worried. They
even sent me to a psychiatrist. He gave me pills. I slept. Everything was
better.
Yeah,
right.
Xander
would have talked to me, but I didn't want to talk to him. What was there to
say? I got in the way of two best friends who fell in love. And then they
didn't even have the guts to get together after the trauma they put me through.
*That* made it so much worse, because then *what* did I go through hell for?
Nothing,
apparently.
But I
can't do this weird, twisted, 'what the hell am I doing wrong' thing again. I
just can't. It makes me sick and I start to hate myself... Stop. Stop, stop,
stop.
It
was just a fight. Those things happen. He's strong-willed, I am too. We'll
figure it out, though. Someone who just spend several thousand dollars
It
was just a fight. Those things happen. He's strong-willed, I am too. We'll
figure it out, though. Someone who just spends several thousand dollars on me
isn't going to just change his mind tomorrow. Is he?
I
stand and pick up the necklace and ring. I took them off because it's a lot of
weight to wear... but I just want to hold them. Remind myself it's going to be
okay. I slip on the ring and lay back down, clutching the necklace in one hand
and the tiara in the other. It's going to be okay. I just...I flinch when I
hear the crash. It's *going* to be okay.
I'm still
hard.
My
Cordelia does that to me.
And now
she's in bed, thinking that I'm pissed off and angry with her when I'm really
just angry with *me*.
With
William.
God
damnit. As much as I hate him- I *am* him- to some extent because here I am-
with another girl who'll probably just break my dead heart.
But god-
I want to believe she won't. I want to believe that she really *can* accept
that I'm not 'demon enough' and that I'm wea- NO! I'M NOT! I told myself that I
wouldn't be weak again- especially for a woman.
…
…
But… I
*am*.
Bloody
hell.
She's in
there, thinking that I'm angry or am going to hurt her… I would *never* hurt
her.
She's…
she's my mate. My Goddess.
*Why* do
I have to be so… 'William-ish'?
I sigh
and stand up. She's my *mate*, not just someone else's borrowed property. *I*
got her first- no one else. And she, herself, knows how it feels to be weak.
She said so much earlier- about needing respect again.
And I
have that- in the clan. I gained it back after destroying so many vampires and
demons after Dru left.
And she's
my *mate*.
If I
can't be weak in front of my mate- how can I really expect her to let me have
her forever?
I stand
up and quietly re-enter the bedroom to find her clutching the necklace and
tiara. She *does* like them.
I smile
and slip into the bed, settling myself so I'm spooned around her, my hand
resting over the hand clutching the necklace.
I
tense up a little when he gets into bed. I was expecting him to stay out there,
and be mad. I can't handle him being mad inches away from me. I also don't know
if I can pretend it's all okay when it isn't, either.
He
moves closer and wraps his arm around me. And I don't mind that, really.
Especially if it means he's not as mad anymore.
I kiss
her diamond studded ear.
She
relaxes a bit more, which is good. And isn't she weak around me all the time,
given the fact that I could drain her dry right now?
"To
Dru, I was always hers. Either her sweet William, or her naughty William, or
her wicked Spike- I was always hers. But-" I swallow and then say,
"She was never mine."
Wow. I
don't think... I think that's the first time I've ever said that out loud.
"She
was *his* and *I* was hers and then I was *his*. But I never had anything. I
was Will and William, but always theirs. Hell, even when I was human- I was
chasing girls who would never love me... I've spent my entire *life* chasing
people who would never love me as much as I loved them."
"I
get that," I say, hesitantly. And I really do. "Not to say I
understand completely, but I... I've gone after plenty of guys who didn't
really care. I used to *hate* being Cordelia Chase... until it stopped meaning
something. Guys I dated weren't really with me, they wanted the status of being
my boyfriend... or they wanted impress my father so he'd hire them... Or...
Well, a lot of reasons. Few of them had anything to do with me as a person.
"And
then Xander..." I sigh. "I've spent a year trying to figure out what
that insanity was. But I think it was that he *didn't* seem to have any
external motives. Other than he was attracted to me. But he treated me like
just another girl, and I liked that. Until he noticed Willow and I ended up in
the hospital..."
I
don't know if I have a point, sometimes it's just nice to talk, though.
"And the worst part of that was I felt like a bitch for hating him for it.
Because he was just so sorry, so that was supposed to make it okay?" I
shake my head. "Nobody ever understood why I couldn't just get over that
breakup, since I'd technically dumped him. And he was so noble, he let everyone
think that too..."
I
shake my head again. I just can't talk about that anymore. I don't know why I
even started. It doesn't have anything to do with me and Spike. I fell for
Xander, before I knew how he felt. I will *not* make that mistake again.
I tighten
my hold of her and pull her into me more. I rest my head in the crook of her
neck and kiss her shoulders- rub her satin covered belly.
"I'd
only been with them for maybe five years when- I'd wanted to be with Dru one
night, but Angelus wouldn't have any of it. I yelled at him and told him I
loved her and that I wanted to-- that I had planned to *make* love to her that
night. He was furious and said that I had no right to put those thoughts into
her head and that I could never have her that way because she loved only him.
"That
was the first night he made me watch what he did to her. I'd heard her
screaming before- through the walls... but I finally got to see how he kept her
so fuckin' crazy."
I swallow
again, practically choking on the memory. "She was bleeding and bruised,
hanging from the ceiling, and still begging him to hurt her more. She was
pledging her love and telling him how much she hated how tender I was with her.
"After
he left- I kept thinking that if I was just kind and gentle with her... that
one day she might love me as much as she loved him. But I *became* him. She
started begging me for pain six months after he left. She was going mad for it.
She craved it and he wasn't there to do it. I couldn't... hurt her that way.
Not the way she needed.
"She
begged me for months- every night came to me sobbing, holding a whip or knife.
After a while- I gave up. I couldn't do it- so I'd find a demon or other vampire
to do it to her for a night. And I'd pick up the bloody piece every morning.
"It
wasn't until Angelus came back in Sunnydale that I realized I couldn't pretend
anymore. I found her in Brazil a few months ago and grabbed her by the hair and
chained her up. She giggled all the while and I actually saw a flicker of
something in her eyes when I hit her the first time. And the second. And the
third... and she was cooing and laughing and begging for more..."
I realize
that she's turned over and is resting her head on my chest, petting me a bit,
rubbing my skin, my hair, my cheeks... and it's nice.
"You
survived being around Angelus, and that's what I meant, earlier, when I said I
didn't think you were weak. But Drusilla... after what Angelus did to her, you
know he brainwashed her into not knowing any better. It wasn't *you.*" He
looks a little surprised I'm being so civil about her, but I always *did* feel
sorry for her after I read the stories about her in the Watchers' diaries.
"And
I know, I'm no expert on demons... so maybe I'm off base. Those are just my
opinions."
I smile
and kiss her forehead. "That night- I hated what I'd become. All to make
her love me when I knew she never would. She was bleeding quite a bit before I
looked down and my hands were just as bloody as his were that first night... I
threw the whip down and unchained her and she screamed and tried to scratch my
eyes out. She begged me to hurt her more but I told her I wanted to love her
and make her well. She stood up and told me we were finished and that I'd never
be her William again."
God-
that's the first time I've even *thought* about the whole story, let alone
*said* it.
And she's
not laughing. She's just rolling the ring around her finger as she touches me
softly.
"I
promised myself that I would never be weak like that again. I promised myself
that I'd never be William again and that I just wouldn't love again... that I
wouldn't go through unreturned affection again. As I'm sure you know- it's a
bitch to be more in love with someone than they are with you."
I hold
her hand up and look at the ring. "So no one ever did stuff like this for
you, before? I just can't believe that..." I pause for a second before
adding, "Do you really like them?"
"I
*really* do," I answer. "And ... sure I've gotten presents from
guys," I shrug. "But none of them thought more than five minutes
about any gifts. Flowers. Chocolates. Stuffed animals. Whatever. No-brainer
gifts, to keep me from wondering if they thought about me at all."
"I
bought something else for you tonight," I say deviously while sliding my
hands around her waist to cup her ass.
Okay,
I'll bite - metaphorically speaking of course. "Really?"
"Oh,
yeah," I purr. "Thought they'd look wicked sexy as you ride me with
all this other jewelry on."
I role
over and grind my cock against her hot sex. "I *love* the way this fabric
feels- how it lays on your body... clings to you... you're so beautiful. Do you
even *know* how beautiful you are?"
Dru
always hated when I'd give her compliments like that. She was Angelus' dirty
girl, that's what he'd call her sometimes.
"Do
you know how hot you get me?"
I
moan and arch up against him. "Starting to ... figure that out," I
say with a smile.
And
yes, I'm ignoring the 'beautiful' comment. Because I don't feel like going
there, when it hasn't seemed to matter to any other guy I've been with. In the
long run, they leave. He probably will, too. I'm used to it by now. Mate or
not... and even if he does think I'm beautiful... beauty won't last forever.
And he will. And then--
Damn
it. See, that's what happens when he gets me thinking about all this shit.
"Show
me," I say, rubbing up against him. "Show me how hot I get you."
I take
her hand and place it around my hard cock. "*This* hot. This hard. Just
for you, for nobody else."
I pull
the scrap of panties aside and murmur, "Put me in you, Luv. Lets see how
wet you are- how ready for me."
I
whimper and wrap my legs around him, pulling him close. "Shit... go slow.
Still a little sore." I take him in, though, because I do want him, but
probably slower than he wants.
I slowly
sink in until she's swallowed me entirely and I'm nestled within her body. I
just stay here for a few minutes and kiss her neck. "So beautiful,
Cordelia... so warm inside- you could melt me- set me on fire... I love...
being inside you..."
I move my
mouth down to suck on her nipples through the satin and lace combo of green
fabric. I can feel her quivering below me and I pull slowly out before pushing
back inside her.
And I
just move slowly. I let her take me in and squeeze me at her pleasure as she
meets me thrusts with a buck of her hips. "So perfect... everything about
your body is just perfect, Ducks."
I don't
think we've been *this* gentle- even before with the powder, there was some
ferocity to it- some *need*. But this... it's intense on a whole other level.
I think
we're actually making love.
I
squeeze him and moan as his cock rubs that spot inside me. And I did need this.
Because I fell asleep turned on, and then I was actually dreaming about him -
though I would *never* tell him that. So... I'm pretty much ready to come, any
second now.
He
thumbs my clit and I gasp and buck up against him, squeezing his cock harder.
And shit that hurt. I've just really over-used these muscles, the last few
days. I don't even have to say it, he can tell. He slows even more, watching my
face for any signs that I'm hating it.
"Don't
stop," I moan. "It's good. Too good." And I mean it. He feels
good. And I want him so much my body can't keep up with me. That's all.
He
sinks inside me again and just grinds against me a little. I whimper.
"Fuckyeah... Spike..." I dig my nails into his back and he growls. I
pull him down but instead of kissing him, I nip and suck on his throat. He
starts to purr and "SHIT," oh that ... "don'tstop..." feels
good.
Ohshit.
At this point, I couldn't stop if I *wanted* to.
I've
purred more these past few days than I *ever* did with Dru.
"Come
with me, Goddess," I whisper and sink into her one more time, making sure
to throw my weight into hitting that sweet little spot of hers.
"AAAHSPIKE!"
I shriek as I come. Almost without thinking, I bite his throat again, really
hard. I moan when I taste his blood. I didn't *plan* it, it was just instinct.
OHFUCK.
"CORDEEELLLIAAA!"
I scream and flood her insides. The- shit- orgasm... it's the most explosive,
gentle thing I've ever felt. Ohmygod. She's *drinking* from me.
She
just... it's honestly a mating now. I claimed her and now *she's* claimed *me*.
Fully and completely.
Ohmygod.
I feel her mouth on my neck, drawing my blood and I
"wannamakeyoumineforever."
OhSHIT!
Was that out loud?
It's
*true*, but was it out loud?!
Oh my
god. What am I *doing?* I pull away and watch the wound close. And oh my god. I
just... pure instinct. I wanted it... oh god. I *wanted* it.
Okay,
calm down, damn it. It's probably just a 'mate' thing... You wanted to, and you
trusted him enough to just go with it. And he liked it, so there's no harm
done. And it doesn't make you a vampire, just a really insane human *dating* a
vampire.
Breathe.
It's not like it's the first time. It *is* the first time *you've* had the
idea, but it's not a big deal.
But
it *is* a big deal, because it's just one more thing that shows how much I
trust him. I've done things and said things that were huge risks, but they were
so easy. They felt so right. And it is all just a *huge* deal, because I wasn't
supposed to trust this easily again. I promised myself I wouldn't.
I can
*not* fall for someone until I know for sure how they feel about me. I won't.
That's just all there is to it. So I have to be more careful, than this.
Because if I'm not, he would be so easy to--
NO.
Stop that train of thought now. It's not too late. It's still early in the
relationship. I can --
"Wannamakeyoumineforever."
Oh my
god. "What?" I ask.
Ohgod.
Ohmygod.
What the
hell do I say to her?
The
truth? What?! I'm supposed to just tell how I'd sworn off relationships and
then tell her I want her? Of course... she already *knows* that, since I'm
still *inside* her.
Fuck.
"Wantyouforever,"
I say quickly before the more rational part of me is able to stop the dumb
part.
That's
what I thought he said. But what do I *say*? "You claimed me, Spike. I
know I got mad about not having the choice... but I *did* make the choice not
to leave, after you told me, because I was willing to give us in a ...
long-term... sense, a chance."
No, I
didn't go near the 'forever' concept, but there was a really good reason for that.
As in, to a vampire forever probably means *forever*, and that means me being a
vampire too and I'm - NOT going to hyperventilate. Always a good plan when he
can probably sense heart-rate and who the hell knows what else.
And
it's always *so* much better to have these little panic attacks in private.
As I
thought, the overwhelming fear and panic coming off her in droves is *more*
than enough information: she's not interested.
I guess I
should have known all along- Darla was right. I'm second choice, which is much
worse than being last. I *know* what second feels like- I was Dru's second.
We were
'long-term' as well, but at least she had the decency to be avid about wanting
to be with more forever, even if it was a lie. I could at least *believe* that
she'd be around forever.
I was at
least hoping for some sort of a 'of course, Spike' or... *something*. Not a
'chance'.
Chance is
just another word for 'don't get too close, don't feel too much'. And that's
just "Fine", I won't. I turn from her to get comfortable. "Get
some sleep," I tell her before closing my eyes.
"Fine?"
And again, I'm stuck thinking 'huh'? "That's all you can say after I tell
you I'm going to put my hear-- put myself in a situation you should understand
scares the hell out of me, after what Xander did to me... And even after all
that, I'm still risking it happening all over again--"
Damn
it, shut *up*. You're saying much more than you should, after he just brushed
*you* off.
Maybe
that's his way of getting back at me, though. But I just can't deal with that
right now. I get up and head for the bathroom because I'm sure as hell not
letting him see me cry again.
She runs
off to the bathroom and I'm left with an empty bed.
I don't
like having such a big bed and no one to share it with. I love waking up next
to someone and being able to brush against them in my sleep- feel them against
me when I wake up.
And why
the hell is it *scary*? *I've* got forever and I'm not scared! I didn't even
get a choice! At least she knows what she's involved with- she knows what I am.
She didn't once *think* about it? About how this would end? *Especially* after
biting *me*?!
This is
*her* fault. *NOT* *MINE*!
*I'M*
sure as hell not going in there to make *her* feel better when *she* doesn't want
*me*! I think I've made it abundantly clear that I want her with me.
I snuggle
into bed and close my eyes while running my tongue over my fangs. I cut it and
slowly suck on the blood that wells in my mouth. It always *did* calm me down,
maybe I can actually sleep...
I
pace the restroom until I stop crying, and then until I don't look like I'm
crying. I glance at my watch that's sitting on the sink and see that it's
mid-afternoon. My *new* watch... one of many things he ... No. I'm going to
drive myself crazy, again, if I keep this up.
I
think he made it quite clear what he thinks of my willingness to try this, by
the fact that he didn't even *check* to see if I was okay, these past four
hours. He just didn't care. My answer wasn't good enough for him.
He's
willing to try and that's supposed to be okay with me, but when all I can give
him is 'I'll try', that's not enough.
Well,
fuck him. He doesn't have a monopoly on shitty relationships and fear and pain.
I
walk out to the bedroom. He's asleep. Well, *that* just makes my decision for
me. I take off the jewelry, and leave it on the dresser. Then I take off the
nightgown, and place it on the bed. I pull on the clothes I came here in - I
have no interest in anything of his.
Well
that's not true. I was starting to think I could deal with it if he lo - No.
That was a silly dream. He's a demon. He can't even give me a little
understanding and patience, how could he give me a feeling like...
I
*will* not cry.
I look back at him. He might
be awake. Or he might not. I just don't know. I *do* know, whether he is or
not, I'm going. I have to. And if he is awake, there's no harm in letting him
hear this. It'll be the last thing I ever say to him, anyway. "I promised
myself I wouldn't fall for someone again, without knowing he felt the same way,
first. I don't know if that's happened... I know it ... it will if I
stay." Then I turn away and go to the door.
BACK TO THE HOME OF the BEAUTY & THE BEAST
BACK TO THE INDEX OF CED & EW FICS