-5
Crowns-
AUTHORS : dru & Evil Willow (Go worship the goddess that is EW!)
SERIES: Beauty & the Beast
PAIRINGS : Cordelia/Spike
RATING : NC17 (highly smutty with plenty of delicious yums!)
WARNING: a little violence,
bloodplay and death- as well mild female/female & spike/female
DISCLAIMER : We do not own these
characters.
NOTE : Takes place after season
three of Buffy, but before season four.
=====================================================================
KING
OF THE CASTLE : 5 CROWNS
Rodeo
Drive? Holy shit. He really *does* have money.
I
guess that whole 'being able to take it when you want it' thing helps.
But
really. Rodeo Drive? I've drooled on the sidewalks of Rodeo Drive every
weekend, just *wishing* I could afford those clothes.
And
now-- Wait. Did he also say. "Your girl?"
Okay.
I really *am* going to work on what to shut up about soon. "Forget I said
that, please," I say, rolling off of him.
"I'm
going to take a shower and I bet you need to sleep and I'll order myself some
lunch and make some calls while you do that and then when the sun goes down we
can go."
And
I'm almost to the bathroom, where I'll lock the door behind me and wait until
he falls asleep to come back out. Because that sounded a little too
high-schoolish-excited. He was just using a expression. Like when I almost
called him my boyfriend last night. They're just words.
That's
all.
She's
shocked to find herself face-to-face with me before she gets to the bathroom.
She's
cute when she's nervous- the way she rambles on... it's adorable.
And when
the bleedin' hell did words like 'cute' and 'adorable' come into my common
vocabulary? When the fuck did they replace 'gory' and 'bloody'? I'd sure as hell
like to know!
"Do
you *want* to be my girl?" I ask, because technically, she *is* already.
And it'd be nice if she actually wanted it.
Hell-
it'd be the *world* if she actually wanted it.
I
just blink at him.
Not
that I don't know the answer, but I wasn't expecting the question. He was
*supposed* to mock me for getting all stupid and jumping on a meaningless
phrase--
But
it wasn't meaningless, apparently, because he just asked. And I'm pretty much
still in shock.
"My
first instinct is yes," I admit slowly. "But then my more sensible
side gets mad at me and wants to know what being your girl would mean
to..." To a demon, but I don't have to say that. He knows what I mean. And
I hope he also knows I'm not trying to put him down or accuse him of anything,
because I'm not. I'm just... trying not to be *completely* insane in every
decision I make from now on.
"What
do you *want* it to mean?" I ask, because hey- if I tell her what it
traditionally means... she'll run screaming for the hills.
If she knew
what that mark on her neck really signified... and that it was the reason
nothing would have happened to her in that club last night... she's
*definitely* run screaming for the hills.
I
frown. "No, don't do that," I say. "When I said I could handle being
here with you, I meant it. I don't want you to think you need to shelter me
from things about being with a vampire. Even if you tried that, someone, like
Penn, would probably ruin that plan for you anyway. And then I'd get mad at you
for not telling me--"
Okay,
stop rambling. "Just tell me what it means. I won't freak out and run
off." He doesn't believe me. "I *won't*," I repeat. "Maybe
it'll freak me out, but I won't run away. I... maybe I'll decide I can't handle
it. But that doesn't mean I'll decide I can't handle being with you."
"And..."
I shrug. "If that happens, then maybe we can compromise and find something
we can both handle?" I offer. "But we won't know until you tell me so
... just tell me. Please."
"Pet,
I really don't think it's a good idea. Just shower and by then, it'll be time
to go." I step out of her way in order to return to the bed for a while.
Oh, I
don't *think* so.
I
step in front of him. "You don't think it's a good idea, so end of
discussion?"
"I'm
saying that since you don't wanna watch me feed and squeamish about
things-vampire, that you don't wanna know what being 'mine' really is. I'm
saying that the watcher failed to mention a *lot* of stuff in your little
Scooby education that you're better off not knowing. So yes, end of
discussion."
I step
the side to move away from her.
"God,
what is WITH you?!" I yell. He turns to look at me but I don't even let
him say a word. "Every time I tried to get you to talk to me last night,
you acted like I was annoying! Just because I wanted to talk about what the
hell set you off! And now, when I think we might actually, FINALLY, talk about
something important, you tell me that *you* get to make the decisions as to
what I know and what I don't know about you?
"And
you WONDER why I think I'm just your whore? And don't give me that 'you're too
squeamish' shit. Just because I don't want to see you feed, that has nothing to
do with wanting to know about other things about your life! I already KNOW
everything I need to know about the feeding habits of vampires, okay? I just
don't want to watch it! But I also know there's more to you than that, and
that's why I wanted to give this - us - a chance. But if you're not going to
give me a *chance* to know the rest of the stuff there is to know... then what
*am* I here, Spike, *really*, other than a whore?"
I growl a
bit and retort, "You *don't* know 'everything there is to know about the
feeding habits of vampires', Luv. If you think that- you're naive. You don't
know the beauty of it... the peacefulness it can create... you don't know how
powerful it is... you can't understand how incredible drinking someone's
emotions can be. So don't stand there and tell me you know everything there is
to know about vampire feeding- because you *don't*."
"I'm
sure it's just *great* for the vampire, but I doubt-- No. I'm not going to
argue about it with you. I told you I wouldn't try to change you and I'm not
going to. You have to feed off humans in order to survive. I can accept that. I
can even accept that you like it. A lot. But you're right, I'll never *really*
know what it means and I'll never really understand. And I'm sorry I can't be a
part of something that's that important to you, but I *can't*.
"Maybe
-- No. I just don't know. But I *do* waant to know other things about you, and I
don't understand why you won't *let* me. Silly me, I thought we could maybe,
just *maybe* be friends, but that's not going to happen if you shut me out of
every part of your life other than the fucking!"
"FINE!"
I growl. She 'can't' accept the feeding. I got it loud and clear. She wants
nothing to do with the fundamental of being a vampire.
"That's
fine- but then we have a *big* problem. That mark on your neck," I say
before touching it softly with my fingers, "Is what makes you *mine*. You
wanna know all about being a vampire, besides blood which is what *makes* me a
vampire, that's fine. No one would have *touched* you in that club because I
claimed you. They could *smell* my blood *in* you. *I* claimed you and that
means that *I* get to have you and tu- that's what it means."
Partially,
of course.
I
just stare at him, for the longest time. Because I don't know what to say. I
don't know how to...
I
turn away and pick up my robe from the floor. Then I walk into the living area.
I still can't say anything, I need to ... figure out what it is I'm feeling
right now.
She just
stares at me for a long time and then slips the robe on and walks out.
I *told*
her she didn't wanna know.
I follow
her and stand in front of the couch. "You wanted to know it all, Luv, but
are you sure you wanna know the rest? Because this is me- you wanna know? Or
are you gonna run?"
"Am
I running?" I ask, looking up at him. "And just hold on a damn
minute. You... you *tricked* me, or... shit, you didn't even trick me. But you
didn't *tell* me. You... you asked me to drink your blood and you *knew* what
it meant, but you didn't tell me. What am I supposed to... How am I supposed to
trust you, now that I ..."
"You
shouldn't," I answer. I mean, if we're gonna be truthful... might as well
be *truthful*. "But how can you expect me to *not* be a demon? You don't
wanna change me- but this is what I am. I take what I want. You said *anything*
and that was certainly *anything*."
"And
how exactly is this supposed to *not* make me feel like a whore?" I
wonder. "Because you didn't give me any choice... no. You gave me a
choice, but you took advantage of the fact that I trusted you.
"And
the only reason I'm not screaming right now is because you finally told me. And
I'm glad you did because now I know why you didn't want to tell me. You were
right, I don't like it. Not because I hate the idea of being your-- No. It
doesn't matter. You *took* that choice away from me, because all that mattered
was what *you* wanted. You wanted someone to keep your bed warm. And you got
it, for two days, but that doesn't mean you're keeping me."
"So
get out," I snap. "You're so adamant about me treating you like a
whore- fine. I'll treat you like a whore. Get out. Pick up your money on the
way.
"You
have *no* idea what I want or need. You have no idea that I-"
"You're
right, I *don't* know, but don't you fucking DARE put that on me!" I yell
as I get to my feet. "If I don't know anything important about you, that's
NOT because I haven't ASKED!"
"BLOOD!"
I scream. "BLOOD is important to me! And you don't wanna know about
that!" I growl. "So leave- be another Dru."
SHIT.
Damn it-
*this* is why I kill things when I'm angry. Otherwise I say things that shouldn't
leave my mouth.
"You're
a hypocrite," I state calmly. "You made it SO clear that I wasn't
supposed to try to change you. Well what about you trying to change me? Why is
*that* okay? Just because I can't watch you kill? It doesn't mean I don't know
that blood is important to you. It's just that I can never *understand* it, I
still have that crazy soul-thing, you know?"
"It's
not the fact that I don't accept you that's making this impossible, Spike. It's
that *you* don't accept *me.*" And with that, I start to walk past him. I
give up. Really. This is taking more energy than it's worth, since he's already
proven how little he cares about what I want.
I grab
her arm before she gets by and ask, "Do you like me?"
What
kind of a... Fine. "Yes. I don't like everything you've done. I don't like
that you've made some decisions *for* the both of us... But I still can't deny
that for the most part, you've treated me better than my other... Others."
"Then
don't give up on me," I plead.
I hate
being weak.
I hate
being *William*.
But parts
of me are- and... I can't stand being *left*.
"Believe
me when I say that you don't know the half of what it's like to be treated like
a whore."
*I* know-
because it's all I've ever been.
*That's*
the side of him that has kept me from walking out the door, every time. But,
"I ... I need you to answer something for me, Spike. *Why* did you claim
me? And don't just give me some crap answer, like 'because you felt like it.' I
want the truth. Was it the sex? Was it the fact that I'm a warm body? Am I just
someone to keep around and it didn't really matter who it was, because you can
always claim another girl if I leave?..."
"No,"
I shake my head and let her go. I look away from her because I *have* to.
"It's
because... I like you. Because we feel good together- not just the sex, but
because you can dish it out as much as I can and..." I start walking into
the bedroom as I say it because I hope she doesn't hear it because I hate being
weak. "I wanted to be the 'have-r' for once instead of the whore. Least
that way… Iwon'tgetleftagain."
I
follow him, and hear every word he says. And I have to admit, I understand,
kind of. I mean, in the sense of being the one in control of the relationship.
It's why I liked being with Xander. I *thought* I had him wrapped around my
little finger and he'd never leave me.
But I
was wrong.
"Look
at me," I say, grabbing his arm. He turns to me and I say, "Don't you
understand that treating me like I'm yours and I can't do anything about it...
Don't you understand that *that* is NOT the way to keep me from leaving? You
hated it when *you* were treated that way, didn't you? Didn't you want to
leave? And just because you didn't, that doesn't mean *I* won't.
"And
the really weird thing about this is you *do* know that about me. Or you should
have, if that quality about me is what made you *like* me... I just... It's not
that I don't understand not wanting to be left, Spike. God, I'm the girl in
high school who was never *without* a boyfriend until Xander... cheated on
me." I've never said that out loud until tonight. I guess I am starting to
*finally* get over him.
"But
what *that* taught me is not to get involved with someone again until I found
someone who was more my equal. And then you... in a lot of ways, we're alike,
Spike. Maybe too much alike. And maybe you're not ready to treat 'your girl'
like your equal. But I can't be with someone who can't. As much as I like
you... I just won't. Because as much as you deny it, that *would* make me your
whore. And a willing one, at that, which is something I just won't be."
Wow. That
was *brutally* honest.
Shit.
I *don't*
want to talk about this. I don't talk.
Of
course, in the past that has traditionally gotten me into trouble, the not
talking.
But what
the hell do I say? I'm a demon. I do what I want. And I don't want to lose her.
I don't. I *know* that much, if nothing else. So…
"You
wanna know why I did it?" She nods and releases my arm. Good. I go and
flop down on the bed because I can't look at her. At least if I don't look at
her, she won't see how fuckin' weak and pathetic I can be. She can still think
of me as a vampire and not some sapling begging for someone to lo- begging for
something.
"I
didn't plan it. You said anything- and… I wanted to see how gutsy you were. And
then you *did* it. I couldn't stop it- I just… wanted it so badly.
"Are
you just another warm body? No. Warm bodies- I've had. I could have again. But-
in all the years I've never had something that's completely mine. And maybe at
first- I thought that's what it could be- only if it was only one night. But-
in all the years of… in all my years- I've never met anyone I'd *wanted* to
drink my blood as badly. I've never met anyone who I wanted to sp-"
No. I
stop myself. Not going there.
"I
can't give you what you want. I can't treat anyone differently than I do
because I don't how *not* to. It's all I know."
"You're
not even willing to try?" I wonder. "I mean, I get it that I'm a
human and you're a demon so maybe it's not in your nature to see me as anything
close to your equal. And I'm not expecting that to change overnight, but ...
never mind. I guess that's asking you to change, right? And that's forbidden,
so... I don't know where that leaves us, Spike," I shrug.
I
know where it leaves *me*. Thinking that all that stuff about wanting me and I
was the first one he really wanted was just a lie. Or maybe he's deluding
himself, too. All I know is if he *really* wanted me that badly, he sure is
giving up a little easily now. And that sucks, because I would've thought I
made a better impression than that.
This
is the first time a guy hasn't even acted *interested* in trying to fix things,
so we could stay together. And it shouldn't bother me that much, now that I
know I was just his little plaything or whatever. But it does bother me,
because I only found that out after I was starting to think...
It
doesn't matter what I thought. I was wrong.
"I
already *have* tried, Cordelia," I say, sitting up quickly. "That's
the bleedin' point!"
"How?"
I ask. "*How* have you tried, because I don't see i--. Oh." I'm a
little slow today, but I'm starting to get it. How silly of me. "You don't
mean you tried with me, you mean you tried with her."
I growl
and stand up. "Who? DRU?! This has nothing to do with her! She wasn't my
bloody *mate*, *YOU* are!"
"We're
friends? Gee... that's nice, Spike, but I'm not sure what it has to do with
anything. Since you just told me that you can't treat me like an equal so
--"
Grrrrrrrr!
I don't
bloody care. This is getting us nowhere!
I grab
her waist and yank her toward me and I sink my fangs slowly into her neck and
laving at her with my tongue while my lips close over her skin.
I
think it's shock that keeps me from even being afraid or struggling against
him. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that there's almost *no*
pain. Or maybe the fact that he's purring.
Whatever
the reasons, I don't fight him. I don't *want* to. It feels right as he drinks
from me, and ... and it feels good. (Really good.) And somewhere in the back of
my mind, I think he's telling me what I already suspected but pushed out of my
head.
He's
telling me what he *really* meant when he called me his mate.
I let go
of her flesh after a few minutes, because I don't wanna take too much. Well- I
*do* but not at this point.
"My
*mate*," I whisper into her neck. "My chalice."
I rest my head in her neck and say, "I can taste myself
*in* you, Luv. It's stronger than anything I've ever- it's strong. You and I-
share each other's blood because we wanted it- for whatever reason- we wanted
it.
"I just don't know what to do with this now since I've
never- I can't be a mate- I don't know what it means, because I've always been
the whore. I can't give and give and give until it kills me again. I can't. I
won't. And I don't want that for you either- I just don't know what the rules
are.
"All I know is that-" No. No. I stop.
"Spike,
look at me," I say. It takes him a while, but he finally does. "So.
You don't know what this all means, and I *sure* as hell don't know what it
means... but why is that a bad thing? I mean, *I* probably wouldn't like
whatever the rules were anyway... so ... what if we just make it whatever *we*
want it to mean?" I suggest.
"I
don't know yet what I want it to mean... other than what it already has been.
That we get along - for the most part - and you've made me feel good about
myself for the first time in a very long time. But you've also made me not feel
so good, because you wouldn't talk to me. And I think that's one thing I *do*
want this to mean. That you'll at least *try* to start talking to me and stop
worrying how I'll react. That you'll believe me when I say I do like you and I
want to be with you... And I want to make this work...
"And
then I'll try not to jump to conclusions, next time I feel like a whore. I'll
try to remember that it's probably not what you meant to make me feel like. And
I'll try, *really* hard, not to make you feel like I'm looking down on you for
being a demon. Just because I don't understand you all the time, that doesn't
mean I can't accept you for what you are."
"It
really isn't- wasn't- my intention to make you feel that way, Pet. But
sometimes- ya just gotta shag, ya know?"
And then, I slide a hand inside
that robe and pull her tightly against me. "Now that we got *that* all
settled... are you ready to go and spend some of the guy's money? I have to
say... I see you in some delicious leather number- but I'm semi-partial to that
sort of thing."
BACK TO THE HOME OF the BEAUTY & THE BEAST
BACK TO THE INDEX OF CED & EW FICS