Title: Siren Song Author: trixie Email: trixiefirecra16@hotmail.com Disclaimer: Joss, Joss, Joss. And Marti. Rating: R Timeline: sometime after "Wrecked" Summary: Buffy gets what she wants Dedication: to Shayla, just cause;) I sketch angels sometimes. When I think no one is looking. My fingers stained black at the tips from lead, my eyes scanning the crumpling page as I outline that perfect wing, the one sightless eye, a bony rib… that never looks quite right. My head hurts often after I finish drawing. My lungs ache from inhaling the dust that rolls in from the mill outside of town. Sometimes I cough as I hide the pictures behind a book at the Magic Shop. No one ever looks there. No one wants to see. ~ He made me bleed tonight. He rolled off me and I felt myself shiver as the cold air pricked my arms. Tiny drops of crimson slipped down my thighs and I curled into myself, as he lit a cigarette and I watched the orange tip glow brightly in the darkness. His fingers brushed my side, but they didn't linger. He doesn't linger anymore. ~ When I step into the shower, the water runs pink down the drain. I press my forehead to the tiles slick with condensation and feel the familiar sting. The hot rush of the water splashes my shoulders and I promise myself I will get some sleep before I go to the crypt once more. It's been four times today. I think Xander and Anya are beginning to notice. They looked at me strangely when I came in to research, and asked if I'd gotten into a bad fight earlier that day. It turned out my arms were covered in bruises. I blushed and mumbled something. It was the blush. So red and betraying. So guilty. They knew. ~ Dawn has been stealing. She thinks I don't notice. I do. I choose not to say anything. Her jewelry box is stuffed with bracelets and necklaces that we could never afford. They spill over the edges, and drip onto the shelf. She doesn't wear them. But I see them there, and love her a little for trying to get me to yell at her, attempting to arouse my anger. She just doesn't realize, that I'm not angry. I'm not going to yell. I may love her, and I may save her, but I'm done. She has had enough of me. ~ I think of Faith sometimes. More now, it seems. Once she came into my nightmares and spit fire, her tongue forked like a snake's. I wanted to laugh about it in the morning, but instead I ran to the crypts until my lungs burned, letting him fill me up until everything else burned as well. When my underwear are spotted with blood, I know hers are too. It used to happen at the same time for us, and it frightened me. Were we so joined then? My stomach would cramp and she'd slip me pills, murmuring something about them taking away the pain. They never did. She'd kiss my forehead sometimes. A dry slide of her lips. Her thumbs would hook onto my pants and she'd smile slowly into my eyes. She was a bitch. She scared me. But I think of her. Still. ~ I wrote a letter today. It was short, to the point… and I think it was a little angry. Maybe not. I couldn't see straight while I was penning the words, and my eyes got blurry. I don't know why. I told him it was over. I told him it was the end. I hoped he would read it and howl. I hoped he would read it and weep. My eyes became blurry at the thought, and I blinked. I slept. I dreamed of the fire. Of the white sky and of fallen angels captured on paper by my fingertips. ~ The floor is cold. Knotty blankets skim my back as he grips my legs and surges inside me. Everything looks wrong, distorted. My hair burns my back as it seeps over my collarbone and mingles with the icy sweat. The wrist of my right arm snaps from his grip and the flame of hell shoots up into my brain. I don't feel it. A dull roar in my ears sounds like a bell tolling midnight as the fangs push from his gums and slide into my neck, clean and deep. My eyes blur again. Bloody stars hang from the ceiling and I think I see a face. An angel. One that I could never draw. ~~~~ It's over. You told me it was- and I believed you. You told me it hurt too much to see me—that it was too painful for you… that you needed some distance. Isn't it funny? Everyone here wants to get close, and the only person who I want to get close - won't. I don't understand. So I'm leaving. I'm going back to the only heaven that I do understand. You know what it was? Your arms. I haven't told anyone that. This isn't your fault. It's no one's. Tell Dawn that I love her. Tell everyone that I'll miss them. Tell Willow not to bring me back. Goodbye. I love you. ~~~~ Somewhere, high above the City of Angels, where the cold stars burned, a vampire howled into the night. End. Email: trixiefirecra16@hotmail.com