Title: Wrong
Author: Evil Willow
Email: evlwillow77@aol.com
Rating: PG
Spoilers: MAJOR for Smashed (this past week's Buffy ep)
Category: Story/Angst
Keywords: Spike/Buffy
Distribution: Lists, yes. Others, ask.
Summary: What (I wish) happens between Spike and Buffy now.
Author's Notes: Joss finally gave me some inspiration. I was beginning to
think that would never happen again. So glad I was proven wrong.
Dedication: I owe thanks to the incredible Sarah and James, and their final
scene of Smashed. And Joss, for having the guts to do write a scene nobody
thought he'd EVER write.
************

*Oh, my God. What have I done?*

As Buffy lay there on top of Spike, their bodies still joined, all of the
sudden reality - sanity - hit her. She wanted to make the last several
minutes just a horrible nightmare. Start over, rewrite, do OVER.

Because it couldn't be. She couldn't have been so stupid. So reckless. But
she had. Something had taken over, something more powerful than her reason,
and she'd finally done it. The one thing she'd sworn would never happen.

She'd given into her lust for Spike, and she'd had sex with him. Even though
it had been nice, wonderful, even, to feel something other than the cold,
the pain, it had still been wrong. There was nothing good that could come
out of it.

In fact, the only consequences she saw were bad. In her mind, she saw, in
rapid succession, the horrified, shocked and disgusted faces of all her
friends, once they found out. And they would, she had no doubt of it. People
always discovered your secrets. Whether it was a slip of the tongue, or a
demon that made you sing your feelings, the truth always came out. It was
just a matter of time. She would lose them, they'd never understand or
accept her weakness.

Because to them she was good. She was the one who saved the world. She was
the one who always did the right thing. It had to be true, because she'd
gone to heaven, hadn't she?

But now she knew. She saw what Spike had been trying to tell her. She wasn't
good. Maybe once she'd been the savior of the world. But now...

Now she was just wrong. She wasn't even completely human. Something she'd
suspected for weeks, but Spike had proven it by his ability to cause her
physical pain, without the chip reacting. Something was definitely missing
from Buffy. Something that would have *stopped* her from giving into the
insane physical attraction she had toward a soul-less, evil demon. Something
that would have kept her from making a mistake unlike any she had ever made,
a mistake that would ruin everything.

Buffy's world came crashing in on her in that moment, as the house had come
down around them earlier. She wanted to laugh at the irony. But she couldn't
She couldn't even breathe. Too many consequences. Too many things things
she had thrown away, for an instant of pleasure.

And the face that tormented her most was Angel's. If he ever found out...

*Oh my god, what have I DONE?!*

She jumped up, off Spike, and ran. She didn't even bother to look at his
face before she left, because she knew what she'd see there. Pain. Pain as
he realized that she hadn't had any great epiphany. No. She'd just used him.
She'd taken everything he'd given her, because she *could*.

And what was worse, she felt guilt for causing Spike pain. Guilt! Yet
another proof that Buffy Summers, vampire slayer, was most definitely WRONG.
This had become a mantra in her head, ever since Spike had said it. One that
just kept getting louder and more insistent.

She knew Spike was following her, because her slayer sense told her as much.
But she didn't want to see him. She wanted ... She stopped short and looked
around. How appropriate. She was in the cemetery. And then she looked at the
headstone in front of her.

It was hers.

How even MORE appropriate.

'She saved the world a lot.'

That should have been her legacy. She saved the world a lot. Game over, the
end, and they all lived happily ever after.

If only she'd never come back, that would be true.

But now...

Oh, no. Not now. Now there *were* no happy endings. Because, you see, those
were only resrved for the people who stayed dead, like good normal people.
Not for the ones who tried to subvert the natural order of things.

Not for slayers who came back from the dead.

Not for vampires who tried to pretend they could be good.

These creatures, they were not right.

Not normal.

Wrong.

She had to make it right. She had to. Not for herself, because she didn't
matter anymore, but for her friends. All the people she had loved, once,
before she came back without the ability to love. She had to make it up to
them, and prevent them from feeling any more pain.

She dropped to her knees and started clawing at the ground in front of her
headstone. She had to fix it. She needed to go back where she belonged, to
the place she should never have left.

"You can't go back," a familiar voice said from behind her.

She turned her head to look back at Spike, a cutting insult on the tip her
tongue. But the sadness behind his eyes knocked the breath out of her,
harder than any punch could have. But that was wrong. She wasn't supposed to
mind hurting demons, and she was especially not supposed to mind hurting him
"I don't love you!" she yelled.

He stepped back as if he'd been punched in the gut. And again, she felt that
wrong guilt. He shook himself, as if he were throwing off the painful effect
of her words. "I never thought you did. But *something* happened tonight--"

"Don't!" She yelled, cutting him off. She tried to ignore his statement.
She needed to hurt him and not care about it. If she could do that, she
wouldn't be wrong anymore. "I won't LET you pretend what just happened
between us was anything more than fucking," she said. Her voice sounded cold
and that was good. That was right. She stood to face him. "And more than
that, Spike? I. Used. You." She smiled. At the stricken look on his face,
she turned away, so he wouldn't see her smile fade.

"You made me come, but don't you ever make the mistake of thinking that you
touched my heart," she said. You didn't. You couldn't. You won't. EVER. You
are a
demon, a creature that shouldn't exist. You're nothing to me."

"I don't believe that," he replied. "You asked ME to take care of your
sister. You wouldn't have done that if you didn't think... didn't feel--"
She turned and saw the desperation on his face, the need to hold onto his
hopes. And the guilt hit again. She just had to try harder, then, to make it
go away.

She smiled, and this time she forced the smile to remain on her face. "I
used you THEN, just like I used you tonight. I was going to die, and I
needed Dawn to be safe. Who better to protect her than you, who will always
do anything to try to win the approval of those you 'love'." She laughed,
coldly, and realized she was a much better actress than she ever thought.
Because she wasn't enjoying his pain, like she should have been.

"But you're wasting your time and effort," she added. "Because I'll
never approve of you, Spike. I'll never love you."

"I KNOW THAT!" He screamed. "But it doesn't MATTER! All I ever fucking
wanted was for you to let me love *you!* And I never expected you to do that
but tonight--"

"I used you," she repeated.

"I heard you the first time!" he yelled. "And I'm tellin' you that I don't
care! You can use me all you want, as long as you don't turn me away. Don't
give me a taste of heaven and then take it away again. Nobody, not even a
soulless demon deserves that kind of torture," he said.

She laughed again, because that was the right response to the pain in his
eyes. But the sound of her laughter was so wrong. "You *really* want me to
think about what you deserve??" she asked incredulously. "You sure about
that? Well, okay. What you deserve - all you deserve - is to be a pile of
dust."

"MAKE IT HAPPEN, THEN!" he yelled. He pulled a stake out of his back pocket
and put it in her hand. "Just bloody well do it and PUT US BOTH OUT OF OUR
MISERY!"

She raised the stake to his chest. He leaned forward, not flinching when the
point pressed into his shirt right above his heart. "Go ahead," he urged.
If you really want to be rid of me, destroy me! Because it's the only way
you'll get me to go away. I WON'T leave. I can't. I'm not strong enough."

She ignored his desperation, his need to be near her. She reminded herself
that she had to make things right. She couldn't do it by returning to the
place from which she'd been torn. She couldn't make herself right enough to
enjoy causing him pain, either. So then there was one more thing to try. She
had to make him go away. If he was gone, then what they had done this night
would go away too, along with all proof of how WRONG she had become. She
pulled her arm back and thrust the stake forward.

But she stopped short again, before following through. The tip of the stake
was just touching his shirt. She couldn't do it, because she had made the
mistake of looking into his eyes. And she saw in them something she'd wanted
to see in the eyes of all her other lovers.

He really wouldn't leave her. Not even on threat of death. He was completely

willing to let her dust him, if that act would bring her some peace. He
loved
her that much. Even if it wasn't quite a RIGHT love, wasn't a good, perfect
love, it was the best that he, a soul-less demon, could manage.

But it was so wrong.

Buffy dropped the stake. Because suddenly, it all made a twisted sort of
sense. How fitting that they would be drawn to each other, since they *were*
both so wrong.

"Buffy?"

She looked up at his face again and saw a hesitant hope there. And as much
as she didn't want to feel anything for this demon standing in front of her,
she did. Even if it was only lust. And she had to believe it was just that.

"I can never love you," she said. And she was well aware of the fact that
she was repeating herself. But she needed him to know this fact and never
forget it.

"I can accept that," he replied. "All I want is to love you, Buffy. *Please*
let me love you."

The need in his voice called to her and she wanted to say yes. But she
couldn't escape the fact that in going after what she wanted, she would be
taking another step toward something that would destroy everything and
everyone she had once loved.

She started crying. She hadn't cried since long before she had died, but the
tears came suddenly now and wouldn't stop. Her world was coming down all
around her again, but this time the weight of it was more crushing than
before. She felt his arms around her and she couldn't fight them. She didn't
want to, either.

"Buffy? What is it?" he asked. She just shook her head, unable to respond.
How could she explain, anyway, that she knew she'd lose everyone, one by one
until there was nothing left. Maybe, in the end, she'd lose him too.

And she wasn't even sure why that possibility even *mattered*.

"Damn it, Buffy!" He grabbed her face and looked into her eyes. "Tell me how
I can make it better. Anything you need, just say the word."

And she knew he meant every word. He wanted to make her happy. He loved her,
and would keep loving her, even if she never loved him back. If only that
was enough.

Could it be?

The people she was likely to lose in letting Spike love her had wanted to
bring the *old* Buffy, the right Buffy, back. And if she couldn't be that
for them, then maybe there was one other choice. One more way to make things
right. At least as right as they *could* be, given the situation.

"I want you to take me and Dawn, and get us the hell out of Sunnydale," she
said. "I'm not... I just--"

"You never have to explain to me," he said with a little smile. "Like I
said, whatever you need. We'll leave tomorrow."

"Tonight," she replied. She couldn't wait, even a day. She couldn't look at
the faces of her friends before she left them. She had to just go. Let them
move on, and do the same herself.

"All right then," he nodded. "Tonight." He leaned in to kiss her, and she
let him. And it should have felt wrong, but it didn't. In fact, for the
first time since she'd returned from the dead, she felt less wrong.

He broke the kiss and helped her stand. "You won't regret it, Buffy."

When she looked up into his eyes, she couldn't help believing him.
And she almost believed, like he did, that this could work. That as
*wrong* as they were, together they would find a way to be right.

*****

The End
So? Good? Bad? Let me know, I can take it!


Email: evlwillow77@aol.com