Visitor

SERIES : Death Was Her Gift

PAIRING : Angel/Buffy, Angel POV

RATING : PG14 (friendship)

SPOILERS : "The Gift", mentions IWRY, Amends & Enemies

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own "Full of Grace" by Sarah McLachlan.

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The winter here's cold and bitter

It's chilled us to the bone

Haven't seen the sun for weeks

Too long, too far from home

I haven't been here yet. I haven't been able to face the very real reality of it. But I can't ignore it any more. Gods how I want to ignore this sinking feeling every time I hear the words or even think them. Buffy's dead. Buffy's not swimming or laughing or loving. She's not anything. She's rotting beneath my feet even as I stand here.

I didn't leave her to die. I didn't leave so she could die. I left so she could have a life and love and a life without demons. But it didn't work out that way. I left, she lost her 'normal boyfriend', she couldn't get free of the demons. I wasn't there to help her fight, so she died. And that's all my fault.

I was supposed to protect her. I failed and I'll never forget.

That's what she said. She said she'd never forget. I can't help but wonder that in those few seconds it took her to die, if she remembered. But I guess I'll never know.

I wonder if she remembered making love all day with me, because it's all I have of her now. It's all I have.

I sink to the ground and run my fingers over the words: Buffy Anne Summers. Beloved sister. Beloved friend. She saved the world a lot. "OH BUFFY!" I cry and I claw for solid ground but I can't stop the undertow from dragging me down. And at times like these, when I feel my chest caving in, I don't think my body understands that I don't need air because I pant and gasp for it, but it never comes and I die. Buffy's dead.

I look up. I can sense the sun. I could always feel it in my bones. I wonder if she can feel it now. She used to. She used to curse her body for letting her feel and sense things that no other human knew about. I guess she's free of those curses now. Still, I can't help but wonder. I look towards the east. It's coming soon. I feel like letting go. I don't want this life anymore. I don't want this pain.

Like I said, it's not the demon in me that needs killing. It's the man.

If all of the strength and all of the courage come and lift me from this place

I know I could love you much better than this, full of grace, My Love

"Angel?"

I turn around and see her standing there before me, basking in a light of an intensity that I've never seen. "Oh god, Buffy." I scramble over to her but fall through her legs to the ground.

"It's better this way." She whispers. "I'm in a better place now, Angel. I have love and a life without demons."

"Not this way." I say. "It wasn't supposed to be like this."

She puts her hand to my face and I can feel the heat radiating from her glow. "It was time."

"Buffy… I can't do this. I can't go on without knowing you're alive somewhere."

"I am alive somewhere, Angel. I'm alive in all of you."

"I'm not strong enough."

"Yes you are, Angel. I can see it, inside you. I can see all the good that's there. I can see all the love you have to give. I need you to be strong for me. You *have* to be strong."

If all of the strength and all of the courage come and lift me from this place

I know I could love you much better than this

"No. I won't let you leave. Stay with me."

"I'm always with you, but you need to be strong. You need to help Faith and the others. You need to be strong for Spike and Dawn."

"I miss you so much."

"I'm always with you, Angel. Always." I watch as she starts to fade.

"BUFFY!"

"It's better this way, Angel."

"Buffy! Are you still my girl?"

"Always. I love you."

~El Fin~

Onto the last part : Job's Done