Loser

PAIRING : Buffy/Angelus, Buffy/Angel (at end)

RATING : NC17

SPOILERS : major spoilers, I’ve used actual show quotes from all four seasons of Buffy & Angel season one.

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Loser” (3 Doors Down).

NOTES & WARNINGS : Entire series has : rape, torture, character deaths & pain (these things are not in every part).

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"But I want Oz to get an 'A', and, oh, one of those gold stars." Willow said to her best friend. But Buffy wasn't paying attention. It had been one day, less than, since she'd last felt his body fill her. "Buffy?"

"Oh, he will. Don't worry. He will."

"Well, he better hurry. I don't want to be the only girl in school without a real boyfriend."

Buffy looked down and thought about the last time she had *her* Angel.

"Oh, I'm such an idiot. I'm sorry. I-I shouldn't even be talking about... Do you want me to go away?"

Yes. "I wish you wouldn't." Buffy said. It helped to have a friend, even if she couldn't tell her the truth.

"How are you holding up anyway?"

"I'm holding. I was going on 2 minutes there without thinking about Angel."

"Well, there you go." Willow said.

True, she wasn't thinking about Angel. She was thinking about Angelus.

THAT EVENING

He was walking down the street when he caught her scent on the air, faintly. "Buffy." He whispered while heading towards the scent. He growled when he realized it wasn't the slayer. Then growled again at himself because he was disappointed it wasn't. He knew that was wrong.

The girl was young enough. And she knew Buffy. She had touched Buffy. "Time to play." He whispered and jumped in front of the girl. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I just, uh, I, I thought I heard something... behind me."

He smiled and turned to have a look. "No one there."

"Oh. I guess I was wrong. I could have sworn that... "

"It's okay. It can get pretty scary out here, all alone at night."

"Yeah."

"Hey, don't I know you from somewhere? Don't you go to school with Buffy?"

"Oh, you know Buffy?"

"Yes, I do, very well." He chuckled. Very well indeed.

"Oh." He was going to kill her, but got a better idea.

"Come on, I'll get you home."

A FEW HOURS LATER

He watched her from the tree outside her window. She stripped herself of her tank top and bra. His gaze traveled over her rounded breasts and peeked nipples. He watched as she slid her skirt off and then her panties. She was freshly shaven and beautiful with bruises from him. He got hard as she lay down and sprawled out across the bed. Her creamy skin melted into the sheets. He wanted her. He needed to touch her again.

He needed to feel her satin walls squeezing him tight. He wanted to run his fangs over her neck and pierce her breasts again. She still bore his mark on her left breasts. Twin holes, scars that attested to his besting her. She needed a set on her right one.

He relaxed against the back of the tree as he watched her squirm on the bed.

Her lithe body was not cooperating with her tonight. It was not giving her the peace she craved. Even her fingers could not provide the comfort she needed. She slid to the side of the bed and reached into her bag. She had been beat red when she even thought of… she was just glad they hadn’t asked for ID. She reluctantly pulled the dildo out. She was actually embarrassed that she was reduced to this, this… substitute.

//Breathe in right away,
Nothing seems to fill this place//

He could not believe his eyes when she pulled the cock out of her bag. He smiled. She'd obviously been wanting all day. They both knew he was the only one who could fill her the way a slayer should be filled.

His jeans were tight as he watched her fingers circle her nipples gently before trailing down to her sex. He watched as she fingered herself, harder and faster, still whining and squirming for a release that would not come. He smirked as she finally gave up and turned the vibrating cock on.

He growled as he unzipped his own pants and watched the tiny slayer through the window. He fingers swept up his cock as he watched the dildo disappear within her depths. He tore into his wrist and smothered his cock with a little blood before pumping himself to her rhythm. He watched her plunge the cock further into her body, deeper and harder as she writhed on the bed, arching her back off.

They found release together as they screamed. "Buffy!"

"ANGELUS!"

He froze when he realized what she screamed. She paused and got off the bed. He jumped out of the tree and disappeared from view just as she opened the window.

"Soon, My Love. Soon." He whispered.

A COUPLE DAYS LATER

"Angel sends his love."

Buffy froze. Angel. Her beloved… NO. He's gone. Angel's dead. He's not coming back. Buffy barely registered the blows that her dead friend threw. Nor did she register Xander saving her life.

"Angel." She whispered as she slowly got up.

"Are you okay?" He asked but she didn't hear him.

"This isn't happening." She whispered. After the storm… it was just his way of hurting her. "He's gonna keep coming after me." She sobbed into Xander's shoulder.

"Don't let him get to you. He's not the same guy you knew."

Buffy pulled away. She knew he wasn't the same. He didn't have a soul. But they didn't understand. Xander and Willow couldn't understand. They didn't know how her body throbbed for him. They didn't know what it was like to feel your lover inside you and know that you made him a monster. They didn't know what it was like to wake up in the middle of the night aching for lips that would touch you softly, knowing that it was because of you that they went away.

Buffy grabbed her book bag and ran out.

//I need this every time,
Take your lies get off my case
Someday I will find a love
That flows through me like this
This will fall away,
this will fall away//

A DAY LATER

"I just have this feeling that he's watching me, Giles." Buffy looked over and Giles was silent. "Giles? Are you okay?" Buffy asked her watcher.

"Me? I-I-I'll be fine. Um, I was more concerned about you, actually. Uh, since Angel, um... uh... turned… I've, um, been reading up on, on his earlier activities. Y'know, uh, feeding patterns a-and the like."

"And?"

"Around Valentine's Day, he, he, he's rather prone to, uh... well, um, brutal displays of, uh... He would think of it as affection, I suppose."

Affection. The word filled her mind. Affection was not something he would give her. The only thing he could offer was pain. She knew that, yet she still craved him. "Like what?" She asked, not really wanting to know the answer.

"No, no, uh… no need to go into details."

"That bad?"

"Suffice it to say I, I think it would be best if you stayed off the streets for a few nights. I-I-I'll, um... I'll patrol and keep an eye on things. Better safe than sorry."

"It's a little late for both." She whispered, content in the knowledge that only she knew the true validity of the statement. She should have never given in to him in the Bronze. She should have fought him with everything she had.

THAT NIGHT

Buffy sat in the dark, silently pulling the red petals off the roses one by one. Her eyes fixated on the card she'd taped to her mirror. Soon.

Soon what? She wondered to herself. Soon she would die? Soon she would join him in eternal life? Soon he would love her again? She laughed in spite of herself. Even she could not delude herself *that* much.

//You're getting closer to pushing me off of life's little edge
Cause I'm a loser and sooner or later, you know I'll be dead
You're getting closer,
You're holding the rope,
I'm taking the fall
Cause I'm a loser, I'm a loser, yeah//

So she resumed picking the petals off one by one and they fell to the floor in an endless sea of red.

He watched as the petals fell to the floor. He watched until her eyes cried blood and then cried some more. He watched as the last petal fell and he watched as fell effortlessly to the floor and slept in the petals.

THE NEXT DAY

"'Soon' what, Giles?" She demanded as the card landed on the table. "You never held out on me until the big, bad thing in the dark became my ex-honey."

"Where did this come from?"

"He sent it with flowers. Look, this isn't the time to start becoming Mr. Protective Guy. I can't just hang around, and I can't prepare when I don't know what's coming."

"N-no, of-of course, you're right. Uh, s-s-sit, sit down."

THAT NIGHT

He had no idea why Dru was chasing the boy around, but he wasn't going to stick around and find out. The school. She must be at the school. It was time.

Buffy slowly stood up. Her head hurt. Something wasn't right. She looked over towards the light. "Hi, Oz!"

"Hi."

"I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here."

"But you're not a rat. So call it an upside."

"You think maybe you could get me some clothing?"

"Yes, I can. Just, uh... don't go anywhere."

"Really not an issue." She whispered as he disappeared. "WAIT!" She called, but he didn't hear her. She looked around and found a milk crate. "Not exactly a chair, but it'll do."

She sat down and pulled her knees up onto the crate. She wrapped her hands around her legs and rested her head on her knees. Valentine's Day and where was she? Naked in the boiler room of the school after having been turned into a rat. But she didn't seriously expect a normal holiday when her life was the Hellmouth.

She shivered. It was cold, inside and out. She was truly alone. Only fitting to be in the boiler room with no hope of getting out. "Kinda a metaphor for my life really." She said to herself. "Live in a world filled with love and passion and I'm frozen outside it. Forever. Happy Valentine's Day, Buffy, you are now alone."

//This is getting old,
I can't break these chains that I hold
My body's growing cold,
There's nothin' left of this mind
Or my soul//

He slowly slipped into the library and overheard wolf boy talking. She was downstairs in the basement. Naked. Perfect. "NO!" He growled quietly to himself as he made his way downstairs. He was here to kill her, not see her naked. It needed to be over. It needed to-

He listened as she spoke. "Damn holiday anyway… who cares? Xander's alone. Xander resorts to black magic to get a date and I end up a rat. Cordelia has guys chasing after her left and right. What do I get? A psycho vampire! Happy Valentine's Day, Buff! Here's some roses and a dead friend. Let me nail your puppy to a cross on your lawn as a testament of my love for you…"

He chuckled. He couldn't help himself. He never knew she would ramble.

She froze when she heard his laugh. "Hello?" She whispered. "Is someone there?" Like she didn't already know.

He stepped out of the shadows and she prayed he didn't know she was naked. "I didn't do it because I loved her."

"Well… that's good, since nothing says I love you than killing puppies."

"The puppy was a perk. The real present was her father hung in the tree above her puppy."

"Oh." She looked down before looking back at him. "Wonder why she didn't want you."

"She did… Still does." He smirked at her.

"Drusilla?"

"Yup." He moved closer and she cursed her body for craving his fingers. "You shoulda heard her scream that night."

"I don't think I ever wanna hear her scream. But thanks for the offer. I'll keep it in mind." She tried to keep her mind cool. Keep it smart. Keep him from finding out how badly she wanted him to touch her; how she screamed his name when she came the other day; how incredibly wet she was getting from his standing not four feet from her naked body.

//Addiction needs a pacifier,
The buzz of this poison is taking me higher
This will fall away,
This will fall away//

He could smell her arousal. He could smell her heavy and thick in the air. Her musky scent mixed with the room's ancient dust clouded his brain and kept him from the truth. The slayer must die.

All her heard, all he could think, was that the slayer must cry. In pleasure or pain, it was of little difference to him. He just wanted to feel her below him, bucking, screaming, writhing, moaning, begging. Again, it was of little difference.

His eyes bore a hole into her body and she felt shivers running up her spine. She tried to keep her breathing under control. She wanted to at least keep some pride, if the throbbing between her legs wasn't hurting it enough. Her breasts began heaving as her heart rate soared. And he hadn't even touched her.

She felt electricity coming from his body as he stepped around the boxes.

"Quite the predicament you're in." He whispered raggedly.

His hands wanted nothing more than to run over her back right down to her naked ass. Her hair covered her back but left her neck somewhat exposed. Her knees covered her breasts, and his mark.

"I will kick your ass when I'm naked." She whispered. She tried to threaten, but she was helpless against him.

"Nothing would give me more… pleasure." He replied as he stepped close to her body.

"Please go. Oz will be back soon with clothes."

"And that's supposed to threaten me because… oh right, it doesn't. I'll kill him."

"NO!" Buffy said as she jumped up. She found herself flush against his hard body.

Buffy inhaled sharply as she felt his hardness rubbing against her through his pants. Her nipples rubbed against his leather duster and hardened immediately. She felt him push her hair back before slowly running his tongue over her jugular. She moaned against the same leather that was teasing her nipples.

She pulled away before she lost control. "You kill him and I'll kill you." She warned.

"You're not exactly in a place to be making threats, Buff. What'll you do? Chase me down?"

"If I have to."

"No…" he whispered, pulling her close to him. "You won't. You wouldn't risk them finding out about your secret." She felt his fingers slide into her wet heat. "You wouldn't want them to know how wet I make you."

"Get away from me." She warned again, but her body begged for the invasion and completion he could offer.

"Is that really what you want?"

He knew it was wrong to have his fingers inside her. He knew it was wrong to want her this much. He should want her dead, or in pain, but he just wanted her. He barely maintained control when she arched against his body as he plunged his fingers into her heat.

"No." She whispered. "It's not."

"What do you want, Buff?"

"Oh god…" She whimpered as she thrust against his fingers. "Please…"

He continued to fuck her with his fingers, adding a fourth as she pleaded with him. He growled when he realized what he was doing. He pushed her away from him. "NO!" He growled.

She landed on the floor and looked up at him with lust in her eyes and denied release. He smirked as he got an idea. He unzipped his pants and pushed them to the floor. He sank to his knees and she spread her legs for his cock.

"Not the way, Lover." He growled as he grabbed her hips and flipped her over. "I don't wanna see your face." He growled in her ear as he slammed into her slick passage.

She screamed as he pounded her into the pavement.

"Oh god…" She cried as her body betrayed her. He was being mean. Mean enough to make her cry, but nice enough to make her body sing. And that mere fact made her cry harder, in pain and pleasure. She'd never felt this; never been on her stomach; never been pounded into the pavement; never felt her breasts rubbing against the cold floor.

"Name's Angelus, but you can *call* me God." He whispered into her earlobe before biting it with blunt teeth. She cried out as she moved her hips with his. She needed release. She needed him to fill her and make her forget about death and demons and pain.

He sank his teeth into her shoulder blade as he came inside her. She moaned and whimpered when he pulled out, leaving her throbbing for release, close on the edge.

He stood up and zipped his pants. "Maybe Oz'll help you." He said as he walked out the door.

Buffy was crying when Oz came back. She stifled her cries as she got dressed and ran home as quickly as she could. She slammed her door behind her and dove for the bed. She silently prayed for the throbbing to go away as she held her pillow close. She was a fool. Worse than that, she was a loser. She wouldn't fall again.

//You're getting closer, to pushing me ff of life's little edge
Cause I'm a loser and sooner or later, you know I'll be dead
You're getting closer,
You're holding the rope and I'm taking the fall
Cause I'm a loser//

And she cried herself to sleep. Again.

~El Fin~

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