SERIES : the
Buffy & Angelus Chronicles
PAIRING : Buffy/Angelus,
Buffy/Angel (at end)
RATING : NC17
SPOILERS : major spoilers, I’ve
used actual show quotes from all four seasons of Buffy & Angel season one.
DISCLAIMER : I do not own these
characters. Nor do I own “Bitter Sweet Symphony” (the Verve).
NOTES & WARNINGS : Entire
series has : rape, torture, character deaths & pain (these things are not
in every part).
=====================================================================
AUGUST BEFORE SEPTEMBER
//Cause it's a bitter sweet symphony that's life
Tryin' to make ends meet, you're a slave to money then you die//
************
"You hurt
me."
"Yes." He
wrapped his arms around her waist, his legs around her as well, pressing
himself against her ass. "Yes I did."
"I liked it."
"You did?"
"Not the last part,
that hurt, it stings so bad, but up until then it was fun."
"Buffy," he
said with a chuckle, "there may be hope for you yet."
She leaned back and
closed her eyes; his right hand began stroking her inner thigh, ever so
lightly. "Mmm, that feels so good." He slid his left hand up over her
stomach and took her left breast in his finger, massaging her nipple, which
soon grew hard. "That feels better." She leaned back against him and
licked his chin before kissing it. His fingers found their way through the warm
water into her core, applying pressure all around her passage. "God you
feel good Angelus."
"Don't forget it
baby."
"How could I? When
I'm with you I can't breathe." His mouth met hers as he continued to
massage her breast. "You're lucky." He stopped his kisses.
"Why?" He
asked.
"You don't need to
stop for air."
"Right."
"And why'd you
stop, there's no stopping, I thought we'd already covered that."
"I just wanted to
test the rule once more." His tongue delved into her mouth as his fingers
went deeper into her sheath and she thrust up into them. She felt his erection
behind her and leaned into him as he groaned at her. She didn't like the groan,
she wanted the growl. She slipped her hands behind her butt and grabbed his
throbbing shaft and began stroking it. His fingers moved faster within her as
she did and his other hand moved to her sore swollen clit.
His fingers made contact
with it, "Ah." She whimpered.
"You... okay?"
"Uh huh... I...
heal... quick..." She began pumping him in her hand and she felt a low
growl resonating from his chest. She withdrew her hands and the growl became
louder. "That's what I wanted." She said as she turned around to face
him. "I like you to growl, do it a lot, it makes me tingly." He
answered her statement with a loud growl and a deep kiss. Her back hurt the way
she was leaning so she could face him. He must have sensed her discomfort
because before she knew it he had picked her up and they were going down on the
floor.
He was on top once more,
pressing into her. She loved feeling his weight above her, crushing her. The
floor was cold on her back and it felt so good. He took her breast into his
mouth and she ran her fingers through his hair. "God you feel so
good," she said to him. He stopped only for a second to latch onto her
other breast. He sucked hard on her, lightly nipping her skin with his blunt
teeth. "MY GOD!" She screamed thrashing around under his weight.
She was so wet, she was
waiting for him. She spread her legs pulling her knees up as much as she could,
praying he would nestle himself in between her soft folds that were begging for
his attention. She was not beneath begging if she had to and as he continued
alternating between her breasts and neck, she felt she might have to.
"Please... please... Angelus, please... I need you so bad... I'm ready for
you... please give me what I need..." It soon became evident that he was
going to torture her the only way he knew how, the only way he could.
"Angelus please... don't do this to me... I need you so much... please...
deep inside... please..." But her pleads went unfulfilled as he continued
to grope her breasts, leaving the pooling moisture between her legs untouched.
"Anne..." She
closed her eyes and wished "Anne..." that he would just...
"ANNE!"
************
"ANNE!"
"Hmm? What?"
"Order for seven's
up."
"Oh, sorry."
She grabbed the plates and carried them to table seven trying desperately to
rub her legs together to put pressure on herself now. Her daydreams were
getting out of control. She had to get to the bathroom. "Hamburger and
fries for you sir, and chicken sandwich for you ma'am. Let me know if you need
anything else." She went into the back and tried to relieve herself as
best she could. She missed him so much.
THAT NIGHT
"Night Anne, see
you tomorrow."
"Yup. Night."
She walked out the door toward home. She turned down the ally.
//I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down...
You know the one that takes you to the places all the veins meet,
yeah//
************
"Buff."
"Angel..."
"That's not my
name."
"Nor is Buff
mine."
"Touché." He
was so gorgeous, just one look at him in the black satin shirt and leather
pants made her wet and ready for him.
He smiled, he could smell it, it wasn't fair. She scanned his body and
noticed the considerable bulge between his muscular legs. "So, what are
you doing in the ally Buff? Reminiscing where you and the Soul met?"
"You know, you
might as well just call him, you and you, him since you both are so much
alike." She walked toward him slowly, seductively.
"Like hell we are.
He's so pathetic really, 'I love you Buffy,' 'I can't live without you,' what
bullshit. And he's so whiny really, nothing like me; he won't assert himself
and take what's his. Although I must thank him for bringing me back, I was
quite bored watching him and all his emotions."
"You're one in the
same Angel, Angelus... one in the same." She stalked closer to him.
"GOD I HATE YOU
BUFF..." He took a step toward her.
"Why? Because I'm
right, that's why. You know it, you're just a big softy who can't even kill a
slayer, what would you friends think? What would Spike and your precious little
Dru think? Would they cast you out forever?"
"THEY ARE MINE!
DON'T YOU FORGET THAT!"
"Hey, I got
that."
"What about you
Buff? Tell your friends you're fucking me? What would they say?"
"It's none of their
business."
"Oh, I think I'll
mention it next time I see Red, tell her what a great friend you are, tell her
what a great fuck you are." Throughout the whole conversation they drew
closer to each other. Her body was pressed into his now, and her mouth was less
than a centimeter away from his.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, I'll tell
her how tight you are and how much you like to tie me up, and how you ride me
like a fuckin' bronco."
She loved his words,
they made her so hot, he was so bold. She could feel the blood leaving her
brain and flowing to her pulsating abdomen, begging for his touch. She grabbed
the back of his neck and pulled her to him and they slammed into a wall behind
them. "Tell me more." She asked.
"I'd tell her how
lovely you are bleeding and how much you scream because I barely fit inside
you. Then I'd go tell your watcher what a naughty little girl you are."
"A naughty little
girl, am I?"
"Oh yeah. You're
the worst." His mouth fondled her neck and his tongue traced along her jaw
line to her ear.
"What do you plan
to do with me?"
"Fuck you
senseless."
"Right here in the
ally?" She giggled.
"Is there any place
better?" He said as he lifted her shirt off her tiny frame.
"I can't think of
any." She grabbed at his shirt and pulled it out of his pants. She pushed
his duster off and it fell to the ground, the shirt soon joined it as did her
skirt and bra. He ripped her panties off as he fell to his knees in front of
her but she pulled him up and he whimpered. "No." She said staring
sternly at him. "You first this time."
He smiled at her.
"You like my dick?"
"Oh yeah, what's
not to like?" She said, thrilled at his eagerness for her mouth. She sunk
to her knees and unzipped his pants with her mouth. She released his hard
thickness from his pants, thankful once again that he didn't believe in boxers
or briefs. She nuzzled it with her cheek and elicited a low growl from him
before she took him into her mouth. She locked her lips around him and he began
to thrust into her, while holding her head in place. She closed her eyes and
let him go, only having to be receptive to his girth and length. He growled
loudly and she knew what he wanted. She slipped her wrist upward to him and he
leaned over and clamped down on it as he shot his white rush into her throat.
"Thanks." He
said licking his lips of her blood. "You're the best."
"Don't forget it
neither."
"Now you?" He
said, beginning to kneel.
"No, just get
inside me lover, I'm ready now."
"Suit
yourself." He said as he fell to his knees in front of her. "Lay
back." He commanded and she complied. He lay on top of her and his weight
felt so good on top of her body. She felt him hard once more lightly brushing
against her dripping entrance. "Ready?"
"YES YES! DO IT
DAMN IT! DO IT FAST AND HARD!" And he did, with one quick thrust he was
deep inside her and began pounding into her immediately and she winced at the
pain of not being able to accommodate him before he began thrusting in and out
of her. It felt so good. He was so skilled at this, he had sure been with
plenty of women, even before he died and she reaped the benefits and was sick
of being ashamed of it. His mouth latched onto her breast and his finger
slipped in between them to rub against her clit. "OH GOD! NEVER STOP
FUCKING ME!” She screamed as his body brought her to heights she'd never felt
before. "MORE! I NEED MORE!" She screamed into his shoulder, raking
her nails down his back before burying them into the tender skin on his hard
ass. He growled loudly as he must have smelled his own blood. She was so close;
she just needed him to push her over the edge. "BITE ME PLEASE!" She
commanded and felt his fangs tear into her as she was thrown into a double
orgasm.
************
She flashed back and
found herself staring at the wall, once again yearning for his touch.
FLASH FORWARD A FEW WEEKS
She sat staring out the
window watching the houses pass by. She was on her way home. No longer could
she ignore who she was. She was the Slayer and it was time to remember that,
she couldn't run forever.
//No change, I can change, I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mould; I'm here in my mould
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next...
I can't change my mould, no, no, no, no, no//
FLASH FORWARD A FEW MORE WEEKS (during Revelations)
"That's
enough!" Giles said. "Everybody. Now Buffy knows our concerns, and
her actions, however ill-advised, can be understood." Everyone looked at
her with such contempt. "Our... priority right now is to retrieve the
Glove of Myhenegon and try to destroy it. Now, all of you, back to
classes." They left and she followed Giles into his office. He was angry
and disappointed, she knew that, but Angel wasn't Angelus. What had happened
wasn't Angel's fault, it had been hers. She had numerous opportunities to kill
him and she had instead made love to him.
"Thanks for the
bail in there." She said, not knowing what to say to him. "I know
it's a lot to absorb, but Angel did find the glove, and that was good..."
"Be quiet."
Giles said interrupting. "I won't remind you," he said as his eyes
looked into hers, "that the fate of the world often lies with the Slayer.
What would be the point? Nor shall I remind you that you've jeopardized the
lives of all that you hold dear by harboring a known murderer."
"Giles, that was
Angelus, not Angel, he has his soul again. Do you have any idea how hard it was
for me to kill Angel? He's back and he's sorry for everything, what happened
wasn't his fault. He didn't know, Jenny did and she didn't tell us."
"HOW DARE YOU
BUFFY! MS. CALENDAR DIED BECAUSE OF YOUR BOYFRIEND! AND NOW YOU'RE DEFENDING
HIM!" Xander screamed as he walked back into the library.
"Xander..."
"No Buffy, you had
to kill him because you two decided to get physical. You have no right to be
with him Buffy, he's a vampire and you're the Slayer and if you don't do
something about him, there are people who will. But don't go telling Giles that
Ms. Calendar asked for it by lying, because you've been lying to us the whole
time, do you deserve to die?" With that, he turned around and left and she
was helpless.
"Giles...
I..."
"Buffy, I wish I
didn't have to, but sadly, I must remind you that Angel tortured me... for
hours... for pleasure. You should have told me he was alive. You didn't. You
have no respect for me, or the job I perform and apparently none for your own
job."
"What?"
"Instead of killing
him you decided to walk around and fulfill your own needs or fantasies with him
Buffy, that was disrespectful of yourself and your part in the good
fight."
"What?"
"Do you deny having
sexual relations with Angel during the months he was torturing and stalking
your friends and family?" She stared at him, how did he know about that?
"Giles! I can't
believe you'd even..."
"So he was lying
when he said that?" Her eyes darted to the floor. "I see." He
was silent. "Buffy your lack of respect for your responsibilities and the
part you play in the world concern me and shame me deeply." He sat down and
picked up a book. She quietly left the room.
//Well I've never prayed
But tonight I'm on my knees, yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now.
But the airwaves are clean and there's nobody singing to me now//
THE NEXT WEEK (during Lovers Walk)
"I haven't had a
woman in weeks." Spike said inhaling Willow's aroma.
"Whoa! No! Hold
it!" She jumped up.
"Well, unless you
count that shopkeeper." He stood up.
"Now, now, hold on!
I'll do your spell for you, and, and, and I'll get you Drusilla back, but, but
there will be no bottle-in-face, and there will be no 'having' of any kind with
me. Alright?" She said.
He grabbed her by the
neck and could smell her fear. He morphed back and pushed her aside.
"Alright, I'll find your friend if I want a good shag."
"What?" She
asked, scrambling away from him. "Who?"
"Slayer of course,
who else?"
"Buffy would never!
You're evil."
"It didn't stop her
before."
"WHAT? YOU AND
SHE..."
"Relax Red, we
didn't, but she did with someone else."
"Oh Angel is old
news."
"Oh then you know
about her nights and days at the mansion, yeah sometimes Dru and I thought they
would fall through the floor they were screaming so loud."
"Who? What are you
talking about Spike?"
"Buffy and my sire
of course."
"In the mansion?
Buffy said they were at his apartment."
"Yeah, her and
Angel were, but after she came to the mansion every night. She thought we
didn't know, but how could we not? Her screaming filled the whole bloody
house."
"WHAT? BUFFY SLEPT
WITH ANGEL AFTER HE'D LOST HIS SOUL?!"
"Duh. Now get
started."
A FEW HOURS LATER
"I used to bring
her rats. With the morning paper." Spike said.
"Great. More
moping. That's gonna get her back." Buffy said, not understanding why
exactly she was listening. Her and Angel could easily take him.
"The spell's gonna
get her back."
"Lot of trouble for
somebody who doesn't even care about you."
"Shut your
gob!"
"She really is just
kind of fickle." Angel said.
"SHUT UP!" She
watched as Spike ran at Angel and threw a punch at his face. Angel grabbed his
arm and he was thrown back between Angel and her. "What do you know? It's
your fault, the both of you! She belongs with me. I'm nothing without her."
"That I'll have to
agree with. You're pathetic, you know that? You're not even a loser anymore,
you're a shell of a loser."
"Yeah. You're one
to talk."
"Meaning?" She
asked.
"The last time I looked
in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making
googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave."
"I don't know what
you're talking about."
"Oh, yeah. You're
just friends. Like you were enemies that hated each other before while you were
shagging the brains out of each other. Made Dru and me sick to listen to, and
we won't even go into why you were chained to the bed that one day Slutty the
Vampire Slayer. But you're just friends."
"That's
right." Angel affirmed.
"You're not
friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love 'til it kills you both.
You'll fight, you'll shag, and you'll hate each other 'til it makes you quiver,
but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood... blood
screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm
man enough to admit it and my would-be sire was too, that's why he had you up
in his room and you know it Slayer."
Angel hadn't wanted to
ever think about what had transpired between his evil counterpart and Buffy.
The things she said, the mindless desire and aching need. She had two lovers,
himself and Angelus, and as with any girl, he thought she would want to keep
her lovers separate and unknowing of each other, so he had kept quiet. It's not
like he had anything to say to her anyway.
A FEW HOURS LATER
Angel was waiting for
Buffy in the mansion. He knew she'd be coming; she would want to talk, although
he did not have anything to say. But she was coming; it was just a matter of
when she'd get there. So he waited.
************
"Where are
they?" She asked, pressing her body back into him, rubbing herself down
the length of his body.
"Dru took him for a
walk, or rather a roll, they'll be gone a few hours."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, how was
school today?"
"Fine, boring, a
whole lot of nothing, and 'how are you's' and 'kill Angel yet?' and I am so
sick of it, like I'm a china doll." She leaned her back into his stomach
and felt his stiffness pressing into her butt. "I mean," he grabbed
her shirt and ripped it off, buttons flew everywhere. "Oh my God... I
mean... I'm..." it felt so good to be holding her, rubbing against her
warm skin. "God..." she wrapped her hands behind them and pulled his
butt into her. "As if I'm..." he purred contently into her ear,
"Fuck it, we'll talk later." She spun around and plunged her tongue
into his mouth. He was okay with that plan. He also had a plan of his own.
He twisted her back
around and pulled her into him. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a
scarf and put it over her eyes. "What's this?" She asked and the coo
of her raspy voice made him harder yet.
"This is a surprise
for you my love."
"What kind?"
He ran his hand from her
shoulder, over her breast and down to her thigh, "A good one."
"Ooo... I'm likin'
it already." He spun her around and took her hand in his. He led her to
the table in front of the fireplace and lifted her up onto it. "Ooo, it's
cold..."
"It's marble."
She leaned back, arching her back and thrusting her hips up as she went. He
stepped away from her and took off his belt. He placed his hand on her ankle
and slid it up the length of her as he took her wrists and began to tie the
belt around them. "What's this Angel?" The name no longer gave him
pause to hear, she had crossed the line, like Dru and Darla. They were allowed
the nickname, and now he extended it to Buffy, she knew now it was he that gave
her such pleasure and not her dearly departed Soul Boy.
"Another surprise
for you lover, you'll like this one."
"Angel, the last
time.."
"No whips this
time, I promise." He whispered in her ear. When her wrists were tied
together tight, he ran his hand over her breasts, still concealed by her lace
bra. He bent over and picked up the dagger from the floor and the tip touched
her skin lightly.
"Angel, I don't
like this..." she said, he could smell her fear, much stronger than her
sex.
"Don't worry my
love," he said as his mouth placed delicate kisses on her navel. He ran
the tip of the dagger from her navel up to her bra and slid it under her bra in
between her breasts. He jerked up on it and cut the bra off and she thrust
upward with his surprise. "See, I told you not to worry." He admired
her for a minute and went about lighting the candelabra on the mantle.
"Angel? Where'd you
go?"
"Right over here,
don't worry lover, just be receptive to me, I won’t do anything like last time,
I promise." She nodded and he grabbed the black rose. He walked to her and
unbuttoned her skirt. "I love these skirts Buff, they're so much easier
than jeans, and I can see your legs, wear them for me more often."
"O-KAY." She
said surprised when he threw the rose on her bare stomach. She had not moved
her arms yet, although she was free to do so, as he had not bound them down,
just to each other. He slipped the skirt off and marveled at her planning.
"No panties to
match the bra?"
"Why waste
time?"
"I love the way
your mind works." He ran his hand from her now wet mound up and grabbed
the rose. He took if and dragged it over her forehead and in front of her nose
and she inhaled deeply making her chest rise. He dragged it over her eyes and
over her lips, parting them slightly and as they did, he moved his tongue
inside lightly at first then with more intensity.
"Why do you do
this?" She asked as he pulled away.
"What?"
"Make love to me
like this."
"I don't
know."
"Do you like
it?" She asked.
"If I didn't, we
wouldn't, I'd rape you instead. Now be quiet and don't ask questions."
She complied, but she
had posed a good question. He would have wondered more but he had other things
planned. He ran the rose over her taut nipples and down to her navel and ended
his trail on her upper thighs. She thrashed around lightly. "And this is
only the beginning my love."
He grazed over her clit
with light fingers, like feathers. "Mmm..." she moaned in delight. He
walked to the mantle and brought the candelabra to her and tipped it slightly
causing droplets of wax to fall on her stomach and she gasped as bucked under
the source. "Angel..."
"Shh..." he
said, placing his fingers to her lips. She took them in her mouth and sucked on
them. He ran a cool trail of kisses down from her mouth to her navel and vamped
out right before reaching it. He kissed her and bit down over her navel and
swirled the blood around in the small dip. She gasped once more and he gazed up
at her and held the candelabra over her chest. He allowed a few more drops to
fall on her and she thrust up into him causing his fangs to go deeper than he
had originally intended, but she didn't seem to mind. Perhaps this is why he
made love to her, although his souled counterpart would have never done this,
never tied her up in anyway, or dumped hot wax on her, or bitten her. That's
why, because he could do it, and it was part of his plan. She loved him, he
believed that now, so when the day came, when she swore she couldn't live
without him, he would ask her to join him, and she will say yes. It would be
his greatest victory!
For now, he took the
dagger and pressed into the tip into her foot and ran it up the length of her
left leg until it reached her thigh. She was already so wet; her juices were
spilling all over the table. He kissed his way up her right leg, dragging his
tongue along, wondering where his fangs would set next. He raked them along her
leg and settled in between her legs. His tongue darted into her heat and he
pushed his face into her as much as he could and bit down inside her which
threw her into an intense orgasm and as he continued sucking and rolling her
clit in his fingers, he sent he into another one.
When he finally pulled
out, he looked up and her chest was heaving, gasping for air that didn't seem
to be available to her. It was time. He unzipped his jeans, kicked off his
boots and stood naked in front of her, his cock screaming to enter her, begging
him to be done with it. As he climbed up over her, he dragged his tongue along
her body, which made her thrash around some more under him. He finally met her
lips with his and her hands came around his head, the belt still in place. She
arched her pelvis up to meet his, but he wasn't ready. She leaned up and moaned
softly at him, "please... please Angelus... please... you know what I
want... please give it to me."
He settled his weight in
between her legs, supporting his upper weight with his hands and with one swift
thrust; he entered her as she thrust up into him. He was home at last, where he
was meant to be, he was sure of that now. His place was inside her; his cock
belonged inside her, as deep as he could push it. He pulled out achingly slow
and she whimpered until he finally drove it home and began pounding into her
frail body. Any other girl would surely be broken, but she met his force with
her own and he clamped down to her breast this time while they climaxed and the
quiet of the aftermath settled in.
************
"Angel?" He
shook his head of the memory.
"Hey. I was
wondering when you were coming."
"I'm not coming
back." She said. He stared at her. "We're not friends, we never were.
And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. Or
Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don't need
me to take care of you anymore. So I'm gonna go."
"I don't accept
that."
"You have to."
"How can..."
she stepped back as he tried to advance. "There's gotta be some way we can
still see each other."
"There is."
She said, "Tell me that you don't love me." He couldn't, he had
always loved her, even his demonic-self had and he couldn't lie to her. He watched
as she left, wishing he had never gotten a soul back, so he could be with her.
For once, and only once, he was jealous of the demon within.
//No change, I can change, I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mould; I'm here in my mould
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next...
I can't change my mould, no, no, no, no, no//
TWO WEEKS LATER (during Amends)
"I... I can't come
in unless you invite me."
"I'm aware of
that." Giles said with a crossbow pointed at him. "Come in."
Angel walked in.
"I've been seeing... I've... I've had dreams lately about the past.
It's... it's like I'm living it again. It's, it's so vivid, I... I need to
know. I need to know why I'm here."
"Here? Back on
Earth?"
"I should be in a
demon dimension suffering an eternity of torture."
"I don't feel
particularly inclined to argue with that."
"But I'm not. I was
freed, and I don't understand why."
"Knowing why you
were back would give you peace of mind?"
"It might." He
could sense Giles' hesitation, even understand it. If a person who had tortured
him came back, he'd be a little afraid too. God! His counterpart had told Giles
about his relations with Buffy. Did Giles say anything to her about it? Did he
believe it? Before he could think, he looked behind Giles and sees Jenny
looking at him sadly.
"You think that's
something you ought to have? Because, sir, to be blunt, the last time you
became complacent about your existence turned out rather badly. Especially for
Buffy, she doesn't need this from you again, unless that's the plan, to get her
lover back."
"What?" Angel
asked, watching Jenny.
"You must ensure
Buffy's safety, she has been hurt too much by you. We all have." He
watched as Jenny stroked Giles' shoulder. "What?"
"Don't you see
her?" He asked.
"Who?"
He went to the door,
"I can't." He ran out of the mansion. He had no idea what was
happening to him. He wanted to listen to the voices and he memories, he wanted
her to look at him with the same lust she had his other self.
HOURS LATER
"Angel!" He
glanced at her quickly and continued to stare at the rooftops.
"I bet half the
kids down there are already awake. Lying in their beds... sneaking
downstairs... waiting for the day."
"Angel... please...
I need to get you inside. Th... there's only a few minutes left."
"I know. I can
smell the sunrise long before it comes."
"I don't have time
to explain this. You just have to trust me. That thing that was haunting
you..."
"It wasn't haunting
me. It was showing me."
"Showing you?"
"What I am."
"Were."
"And ever shall be.
I wanted to know why I was back. Now I do."
"You DON'T know.
Some great evil takes credit for bringing you back and you buy it? You just
give up? You're a fighter Angel, please, let me get you inside..."
"I can't do it again,
Buffy. I can't become a killer again. I won't. The things we did..."
"Angel, you have to
fight this inside."
"It's too
hard."
"Angel, please, you
HAVE to get inside."
"It told me to kill
you. You were in the dream, you know. It told me to lose my soul in you and
become a monster again."
"I know what it
told you. What does it matter?"
"Because I wanted
to! Because I want you so badly! There's a monster inside me Buffy, that's
screaming out to your body, telling me to take you. And I want to. I want to
take comfort in you, and I know it'll cost me my soul, and a part of me doesn't
care. Look, I'm weak. I've never been anything else. It's not the demon in me
that needs killing, Buffy. It's the man."
"You're weak.
Everybody is. Everybody fails. Maybe this evil did bring you back, but if it
did, it's because it needs you. And that means that you can hurt it. Angel, you
have the power to do real good here, to make amends. But if you die now, then
all that you ever were was a monster."
"I am, it's what
I've always been. He's always been there, begging me to take you, to taste you,
inhale your life and not care about the consequences. It calls to your blood,
to you body and begs me to be a monster, and take you. He's connected to
you."
"He's connected to
us. And maybe it was wrong of me but there's no time. Angel, please, the sun is
coming up!"
"Just go."
"I won't!"
"What, do you think
this is simple? You think there's an easy answer? You can never understand what
I've done, what we did. You have scars from me all over your body Buffy. Now
go!"
"You are not
staying here. I won't let you!"
"I said
LEAVE!" He jerked his arm out of her grasp and she punched him. He pushed
her away roughly and she fell to the ground. "Oh my God..." he
whispered as he picked her up.
"No! No!" She
cried as he grabbed her shoulders.
"Look at me Buffy!
Really look at me! Think of the things I've done to you and ask yourself. Am I
a thing worth saving, huh? Am I a righteous man? The world wants me gone!"
"What about me? I
love you so much... and I tried to make you go away... I tried to forget and
move on and accept him, and then I killed you and it didn't help! And I hate
it! I hate that it's SO hard... and that you can hurt me SO much. I know
everything that you did, because you did it to me. We did it together, him and
I. It's my fault! It's always been. Oh, God! I wish that I wished you dead, but
I couldn't. I don't. I can't." Angel stood up.
"Buffy, please,
just this once, let me be strong, let me walk away."
"Strong is
fighting! It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day. It's what we have to
do. And we can do it together. We can figure it out together. But if you're too
much of a coward for that, then burn. If I can't convince you that you belong
in this world, then I don't know what I can do. But do NOT expect me to watch.
And DON'T expect to mourn for you, because..."
She couldn't believe
this; it made her so sad, that the only men she'd ever loved were both trying
to leave her, again.
WEEKS LATER (during Enemies)
"Okay, let's get
the books someplace safe. Where are they?" She asked.
"Actually, there's
been a slight change in plan, Buff." That name! Was he back? Had he come
back to her? Her heart skipped a beat, her arousal grew.
He could smell it; she
was hoping he was evil again. A part of him hated her for that.
"Buff? You just
called... what's the matter with you?" She asked.
"Nothing. Matter of
fact, I haven't felt this good in a long time."
"Angel?"
"You know, I never
properly thanked you for sending me to Hell."
"No."
"Yeah, and I'm just
wondering where do I start? Card? Fruit basket? Evisceration?" He grabbed
her arm.
"No."
"Yeah, I know what
you're thinking. Maybe there's still some good deep down inside of me that
remembers and loves you. If only you could reach me. Then again, we have
reality."
"No, I remember
what we did, what you said... you meant it, I meant it." She was pleading
with him; she wanted him to be evil. How could she? He slapped her across the
face.
"NO BUFF! That
ended remember? You left, I offered you everything, forever, and you said no,
and you sent me to Hell."
"Well, this is a
stunning new development B! You and Angelus, go figure." Faith said.
"Fine, it's over, I
will kill you before I let you touch me."
"Good try Buff, say
it with a little more conviction and I may believe you."
"Faith, we need to
get out of here, now." Buffy said.
"Speak for
yourself, B. Me, I like it here. I'd like to see what happened when a slayer
fucks a vampire personally, sounds like a great deal of fun."
"Angel... please
listen to me..." Buffy grabbed his arm and he knocked her out with a
roundhouse blow.
"One thing I
learned about Buffy, she's so cute when she's sleeping."
//Have you ever been down?
I can change, I can change...//
He couldn't deny the
fact that because she made love to his demon, he had more memories of her, ones
that did make him happy. He could taste her blood in his mouth. He had to at
least admit he was grateful for those added memories, but he had hurt her, and
those memories he did not cherish. He admired her body in the chains that held
her to the wall. What he wouldn't give just to take her again.
"So tell me,
Angelus... what'd you and Buffy do? I mean I still can't believe that she was
fucking you all along, I mean, is B any good? And what about her 'save the
world' routine? Does it not apply when she's getting laid?"
"She's waking
up." Buffy raised her head. "Morning sleepyhead. You know what I just
can't believe? All of our time together and we never tried chains. Well, can't
dwell on the past, especially with the future we have ahead." He only
wished he had the courage to take her in his arms and make mad passionate love
to her again. She could have her lover and she'd be happy until he killed her.
Until she got what she deserved. She had said she loved him, and had meant it.
He regretted not being able to tell her that he was not evil, and he hated her
reaction.
"Bondage looks good
on you, B. The outfit's all wrong, but, hey!"
"You don't know
what you're doing Faith."
"Really? Weird,
because something about all this just feels so right. Maybe it's one of those
unhappy childhood things. See, when I was a kid I used to beg my mom for a dog.
Didn't matter what kind, I just wanted, you know, something to love." She
walked over to him and pressed herself into him. She forced her tongue into his
mouth and for a moment, he actually enjoyed it. "A dog's all I wanted,
well, that and toys." He winced at all the metal instruments she had at
the ready. "But mom was so busy, you know, enjoying the drinking and
passing out parts of life, that I never really got what I wanted, until
now."
"Faith, don't you
have that appointment?" He asked her.
"Yeah, yes I do,
but you can have your fun while I'm away." She kissed him again before
leaving. When he was sure she had gone, he walked toward Buffy.
She had no idea what was
going on. They were alone together, that's when all the sparks really flew
anyway. "Angel..."
"Buffy, before you
say anything, you have to know something."
"Angel, no, just
listen to me..."
"BUFFY! I'm not
evil, I'm faking it, I'm not evil."
"What?"
"Faith, they
thought they had a way to get rid of the soul, she tried to seduce me, but it
wouldn't work, so they tried magic, so I am pretending, it's Angel, me."
She was disappointed.
"Sorry I couldn't be the demon you wanted Buffy, next time I'll fuck her
so I can lose my soul so you can have your boyfriend back."
"Angel..." she
was at a loss for words. "Angel... I don't know what... we need to
talk."
"No, let me get you
out of here."
"No, let's use it,
as long as we already are in the middle, play along, let's get
information."
"Buffy... you
shouldn't..."
"And you shouldn't have
to know what you know, so we're even."
"I'm back!"
Faith walked back in the room.
THE NEXT DAY
"How you
doing?"
"Been better."
"Not hard to
believe. You were a real soldier last night, Buffy."
"That's me. One of
the troops. You okay?"
"Fine. I know how
hard it was for you."
"I really doubt
that. Angel, we should talk about..."
"No. Let it
be." He was silent, he was sure if they began to talk about, he would get
mad or they would fight and he didn't want that to happen. "Is there
anything I can do to make it better? You know, with Faith?"
"Look, I know you
only did what I asked. And we, we got what we wanted."
"I never wanted it
to go that far."
"I know that. It's
not even a question of that. It's just... It's my fault, everything and I just
have to deal with that and sort some things out, things that are going on in my
head. I need a little break. Please, I just have to know that you're not mad,
that we can get through this." She was asking him to lie to her and he
couldn't. He just looked away and she walked away.
"Buffy! You still
my girl?" He asked dreading the answer.
"Always."
A FEW WEEKS LATER (during the Prom)
"You don't want to
be with me? I can't believe that you're breaking up with me."
"It doesn't mean
that I don't..."
"Is it because I
told him I loved him? Angel, I love YOU. I love you Angel, so much and I was
lost without you."
"Apparently not
Buffy, you had him, you had sex with him, no, you made love to him Buffy, you
let him drink from you, you did. You didn't kill him, you didn't want to. You
forgot about me."
"Angel, I can
explain those things... Angel... this can't be it."
"It is."
"How am I supposed
to stay away from you?"
"I'm leaving. After
the Ascension, after it's finished with the Mayor and Faith, if we survive,
I'll go."
She walked home. He was
so angry with her and it was her fault, to fall in love with him twice. Was
this her life? To be miserable? Angel lost his soul, she fell in love with
another of the same face, and then she lost him too. The only thing she ever
wanted was to be in love. Funny how childhood dreams are squashed so quickly.
She grew up too fast and not fast enough. How could she ever makes things
right? She didn't think she could.
//Cause it's a bitter sweet symphony that's life
Tryin' to make ends meet, try to find somebody then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down...
You know the one that takes you to the places all the veins meet,
yeah//
He had been cruel to
her, but he couldn't help being mad. She had betrayed him with their worst
enemy, with their worst nightmare. He wished he could erase all the memories he
had of her blood in his mouth, her body under him, knowing it was Angelus' name
she was screaming. It was best that he leave.
//You know I can change, I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mould; I am here in my mould.
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next//
AFTER THE PROM
As she got home after
the prom, she slipped the dress of and changed to her pajamas. She sat on her
bed holding the ring crying. She knew he was there, watching, he was always
watching, but she didn't know how to fix it nor did she have the words with
which to speak. Instead she cried.
He watched from the
window as he had so many times. He watched her cry. He put his hand to the
window to knock, but he didn't have anything to say.
//I can't change my mould, no, no, no, no, no, no//
~El Fin~
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