Deliver Me

PAIRING : Buffy/Angelus, Buffy/Angel (at end)

RATING : NC17

SPOILERS : major spoilers, I’ve used actual show quotes from all four seasons of Buffy & Angel season one.

DISCLAIMER : I do not own these characters. Nor do I own “Deliver Me” (Sarah Brightman).

NOTES & WARNINGS : Entire series has : rape, torture, character deaths & pain (these things are not in every part).

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It had been two days since and he was unsure of what to do. He had never been this anxious and petrified all at once. He sat watching her, he could do nothing else. She was so peaceful, although he knew now that there was a demon inside her now. He cringed. Why had he let her do that? It was wrong. He had turned his beloved into a monster. He hoped the book was right because he wasn't sure if he could stake her. He knew what it must have felt like for her all those months ago.

He had blood waiting for her, she would need some. He was unsure of what to give her, if she never had human, she wouldn't know what she was missing, but then again, shouldn't it be her choice? He had gone to Willy's and gotten pig, cow and human. He shouldn't have let her; this was not what he wanted for her. She would never see the sun again, never feel warm, never feel completely whole. He had cried for her, held her hand, placed her in the bed upstairs. The curtains were drawn so she would be safe from the sun. He had slept by her during the day; she shouldn't be alone when she woke up.

It was so dark where she was. She was lonely; it was so lonely and cold. It was as if she was sleeping but could hear everything around her. Like right before she fell asleep, when she could hear things going on around her but couldn't quite bring herself to stay with them. She heard him crying, could feel him next to her, holding her hand, caressing her hair. She wanted so badly to go back to him, but she couldn't quite reach.

It was day three. He was worried; her friends didn't even know what was happening. What would they say? He hoped they didn't cast her aside. Surely there was a new Slayer being sent, probably to hunt Buffy down. He couldn't let that happen. He had barricaded all the doors when he returned with enough blood for the two of them for a week. Certainly she would have questions and most likely regrets. He didn't know if they would even survive. She may want to stake herself, or him. He was so unsure.

He looked at her so peaceful and spoke to her, as he had been. "Buffy, love... it's morning again, I can hear the birds singing. It's kind of windy today, a little overcast from what I can tell. I heard on the news they are expecting a big storm, rain and lightening, the whole thing. I can remember my first storm once I was changed. It is so much more intense, it shakes your bones, the thunder echoes in your gut." He was silent for a while. "Buffy... I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm sorry of what I made you. I'm sorry you're not going to see the sun, or have children, I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I left you, to make you feel this was the only choice. I'm sorry Buffy, god I'm so sorry."

She was listening to what he was saying, through the haze when all of a sudden he was so clear and she opened her eyes with a gasp.

"BUFFY!" She looked over at him, tears streaming down his face. "Buffy... you're awake. Are you okay? What do you feel?"

"I feel..." she tried to sit up but couldn't. "What's happening Angel?"

"It's just you're weak, you have to relax a little, give your body time to adjust."

"Haven't I been?"

"Yes, but before you would've had to crawl out of six feet of dirt, your body needs to rest a lot to be ready for that. Just rest." He caressed her face. "Are you okay?"

"I'm dead, or rather undead, although I never really got that either. You can either be dead or alive, what is 'undead' anyway, if you are undead, it means you're not dead, which means you're alive."

"Buffy, this is a philosophical question that will never be answered."

"I suppose not." He put his head on her stomach and she held his head, running her fingers through his hair, trying to get a sense of what she felt. It was awkward, she could hold her breath indefinitely, it didn't burn after a few seconds. She felt cold, so cold. Her senses were heightened, she could smell all these things she'd never before, flowers were sweeter, she smelled something she couldn't quite put her finger on. "Angel?"

"Yes."

"That smell... it's like salty and sweet... I don't know how to describe it."

"That's the blood Buffy." She inhaled its aroma. He'd never told her how good it smelled.

"It's nice." She smiled and he looked up at her.

"What do you feel inside?" He didn't know how to ask her, how to find out about the soul. Should he just come out and ask her if she felt like killing anyone? Although he always felt like it, he just wouldn't allow himself. Would it be the same with her? Maybe she would need to hunt first to find out.

"If you're asking if you have to stake me or not, I think we're safe." She cupped his face and ran her finger over his lips. "Will you kiss me?" She asked.

"I thought you'd never ask." He leaned up and pressed his lips against hers. She opened her mouth to him and his tongue met hers in between, it didn't feel hot anymore, it felt normal, body temperature. He pulled away. "So did... was the book right? I don't know how to say it, but do you feel like torturing innocent people and killing them?"

"Not really." She was quiet. "Well, sort of... but not like I thought it would be, it's not very strong of a feeling, but it's there."

"Otherwise, how do you feel?"

"Weird."

"Are you hungry?" This was a question he never really wanted to ask her with reference to blood, but he felt he should.

"Not really. I want to get up. Would you help me?"

"Of course." He got up and she slowly sat up.

"I've never felt this weak."

"You've gotta get used to it."

"What about my strength?"

"Well, I figure you should be twice as strong than other vampires, I mean with the Slayer superpowers and the vampire strength..."

"Cool, I can kick ass," she tried to stand up and fell back down, "Maybe tomorrow."

"Good plan."

"Did you call my mom or Willow or anyone?"

"I called Cordy and told her I was here, we were here together and that she should call your mom and Willow and tell them we went somewhere together."

"Oh they'll be freaking out." She leaned against him as he sat next to her.

"Buffy... this was mistake."

"Don't say that Angel, don't think it... we'll survive, we always do, our love will pull us through this. We just have to adjust."

"Yeah but Buffy... children and sun..."

"I thought about all those things, and what's done is done."

"No, we can find a Morha demon and mix your blood and you can be human again."

She growled at him and it startled both of them. "Woo... where'd that come from?"

"Not from me."

"I know, I kinda like it." She said with a smile. "Seriously, Angel... look at me." He looked deep into her eyes. "I thought about all this stuff before, over and over, I woke up and watched the sunrise and I watched it set, but it doesn't mean anything without you."

"Buffy..."

"Angel... we'll keep it mind okay, but if I'm going to be human again, you're going to be."

"No, it's too dangerous."

"Not anymore so than anything else, now let's not talk about this, I have an unlife to think about. I mean, I don't have to go to school, I don't have to drive the speed limit, I can jump off a cliff and live, given that I don't land on a tree.... what else?"

"Well, multiple orgasms." He smirked at her.

"I already had those." She smiled and he laughed.

"From Riley?"

"PHAH!" She burst out laughing and fell back on the bed. "Yeah right!"

"Well who else? That other guy?"

"God Parker? Parker couldn't even figure out where to put it he was so drunk. That was highly disappointing for me, my only one night stand in college and I choose a drunken idiot. I could always pick the winners."

"You picked me."

"I know and look how well that turned out!"

"Buffy, I already feel bad enough about killing you..."

"It's a joke, we are allowed to joke right? Or do I have to be all broody now... is that inherited with the vampire demon? The broody mysterious stealthy thing?"

"It took me over two hundred years to perfect that, you can't just pick it up like that Buffy... it took work, dedication and a whole lot of guilt and practice."

"Yeah, give me a week, maybe two depending."

"We'll see."

"I'm already pretty stealthy, and now I have that no reflection thing working for me, so I can sneak up on someone."

"Yeah, how are you going to fix your hair?"

"FUCK! That's it, change me back, no hair or make up forever? Man, leave it to me to fuck up my life, again."

"Buff..."

"Angel... joke, kidding, I was making with the funny, remember? All my jokes you never got? I'm a humorous girl."

"Woman, you're a woman, or rather a vampiress now."

"Is that even a word?"

"Yes."

"Since when?"

"Since now, I say so."

"Okay Mr. Webster."

"Huh?"

"Pop culture, sorry, man if I ever stop paying attention to the pop culture things, stake me or shoot me in the head or something. I never want to sound as old as you."

"I'm not old."

"Angel, you've had a bicentennial, that's old honey, no matter what way you slice it." She started to feel something weird, a shaking, rumbling throughout her body. "What's that?"

"What?"

"That shaking... in my gut..."

"Oh, it's the storm. It takes a while to get used to, but all your senses are stronger, smells will be sweeter, your skin is more sensitive, your eye sight is much better, especially at night, obviously bright lights will hurt a lot, and if I were you, I'd get rid of your cross necklaces, you won't be wearing them."

"Right... that's right, no more crosses or garlic or holy water threats for me."

"There are other uses for holy water."

"That's true. Speaking of which, things that happened before with Angelus..."

"Buffy, don't."

"Angel, I've loved two men in my life, and they both had your face." She put her hand on his cheek. "I was so lonely, I had forgotten, I was so sad after you left, when I realized things were not the same, couldn't be the same again, I put the ring in my drawer and tried to forget. You weren't there Angel, I was so scared, I had questions and feelings that I'd never had, desires and thoughts that I couldn't share with anyone, but him."

"Buffy, I don't want this."

"Angel, I know, you usually don't go around telling your boyfriend about other boyfriends, but you have his memories right?" He nodded. "So I want to explain Angel, after I told him goodbye I was on the phone with Willow before I went patrolling and I found the ring. Everything came back to me, the tenderness, caring, love, what you felt like against me, how you took your time with me, gently, patient. He was different, cold, hateful, and even when he said he loved me, it didn't feel like love, it wasn't, it was twisted, a dark thing that hurts me to think about. But I was lonely and I was awake, my body craved your fingers and he had them. But it was never you, not my true love, only his evil impersonation."

"But you liked it Buffy, you loved him, you let him hurt you. Why would you let him win like that? You let him drink from you when you came. Why would you let him have that power over you?"

"I don't know. It made me feel like I had some power over him, over my life, everything was spinning out of control, but I could control that. Maybe because it wasn't love, but it was comfort, someone to stop the lonely ache in my stomach." She started crying. "When I knew you'd come back, that the curse had worked, and I still had kill you, it was like a million tiny needles shooting through my body, I could feel myself breaking inside. I mean, I sent you to Hell, which doesn't sound like a fun place. I couldn't live without you; it took me a while to figure that out. Then I went to L.A. to tell you that and you weren't you and I was lonely again, back where I had started and things were... complicated, to say the least. After the rape..."

"Buffy, you don't have to."

"No, it took me a while, it's still hard, difficult I mean, but afterward, he took me and we made love, but all the time I thought it was you. I looked up and my eyes were so clouded, I thought it was you, and it wasn't. There were other times after that that my eyes played tricks, they wanted to see things that weren't there. I made LOVE to YOU, not him, maybe not in high school, but before? It was YOU in my eyes. After I broke down I couldn't see anything, my eyes were opened, but I couldn't see a thing, I just saw us, every moment of us, when we made love and when we were together on Thanksgiving, and every moment in between. Things I never thought I would have again, I could never have again, or talk to you about. It was hopeless and I woke up to you, I wanted you. I needed you and you came back to me. Then I realized that you wouldn't stay, couldn't stay, I know how dangerous it was if your soul wasn't permanent. Even if it was, we still couldn't be together because it wasn't fair to make you watch me grow old and die, if I made it past twenty-five. So I started looking into ways of making me immortal and I found that book a month or so ago so I thought about it a lot, and I had to make you believe it, but now we have forever."

"Buffy, I love you and I want to help you through this."

"You will, I trust you Angel, I always have and I always will. Forever, you can't get rid of me now, you're stuck with me."

"There's no one I'd rather spend forever with."

"I feel the same way. So what now Sire?"

"Buffy..."

"Well, that's technically correct, right? I'm your Childe and you're my Sire, that means Spike is my brother."

"And crazy Dru is your sister."

"Yeah, and Darla would be my grandmother, right?"

"Yeah, well, she's dust so it doesn't matter."

"Still... so what does happen now?"

"Well, I don't see how it works now, because normally you'd want to feed right away, but since you have a soul from the get go, I don't know. I'd usually teach you my dominance and then how to hunt and play, but... I don't know."

"Oh."

"Buffy, what did the book say happened to those slayers who were turned?"

"It didn't. Maybe they're still around." She stated.

"Wouldn't you have heard about it?"

"I don't know."

"Maybe we should have researched it more."

"Well, let's go to Giles' and see."

"Okay, but you should get some blood in your system, not to push or anything, but..."

"I'm not hungry, honest, I wanna shower and get to Giles'."

"Okay, need help?"

"Let me see." She got to her feet and just stood there. "Well, I don't think I can run a marathon, but I think I can manage a shower, granted that I don't drown myself in the process."

"You can't drown Buffy, only if it were a holy water shower."

"Well, let's hope that never happens. What does it feel like anyway?"

"What?"

"Holy water, crosses, what does it feel like?"

"Like burning, as if you were to hold you finger over a candle."

"Oh, neat."

"I got your stuff from you room, bathrobe, shampoo, lotion, soap, that kind of stuff."

"Thanks, what about clothes? I don't want to walk around in the outfit I died in. Maybe I can get some leather pants, huh?"

"Like the pants do you?"

"Oh yeah and if I wasn't so sore, I'd come over there and show you how much."

"Well, we have forever to do that."

"Indeed we do."

He was so unsure of this whole situation. He wasn't sure if Buffy was keeping everything hidden, or what. What if the whole thing was an act and she wanted to kill people, or even worse him, would an evil version of herself want him as much as his evil twin had wanted her? So many unanswered questions. Why wasn't she hungry? She should be. He wanted to go in and talk, but she didn't request his company, so maybe she needed her space. He felt the rumbling in throughout his body right before he heard the loud crash of thunder. The rain followed immediately and he pulled the curtains back from the window and watched the lightening and rain.

She turned the water on and it felt so hot on her skin. She let the water fall upon her face, on her hair; she just let it wash over her, over the tears that were falling freely. She couldn't cry about this in front of Angel, it would make him feel worse. Suddenly, she felt a loud crash surge through her body, and her whole body began shaking, it scared her. She screamed, "ANGEL!" She fell to the bottom of the tub shaking. Angel rushed in.

"WHAT?"

"What is that?"

"Oh Buffy, it's the storm. It's okay, it won't last long, you just have to get used to, soon you'll be able to control it, so you won't feel it as much."

"It hurts."

"I know." He jumped in the tub with her and held her against him as the water soaked his clothes. "I know. Here let me help you."

She was shaking so violent, crying and he hated himself for doing this to her. How could he have let himself do this? He grabbed the soap and washed her silently as he listened to her sobs. He then washed her hair and rinsed it out. He got her out of the shower and carried her to the bed while she continued to cry. He had never hated himself more. He had wanted to share everything with her, but not this, this was never part of that package, not this way.

She lay wrapped in a towel crying, he went to leave, she was probably mad at him. The storm raged on outside and it shook his insides, but his hatred of himself shook him more. "Angel, don't go..." He laid next to her and she cuddled up to him and sobbed into his chest. She was mourning herself, her life.

Some hours later, after the storm had ceased, she had fallen asleep, the crying had stopped and still he held her. He was sure she had retained her soul. That he could at least be grateful for. Night fell and she slowly woke up. "Angel?"

"Yes, I'm right here."

"Don't ever leave me, don't even think about it."

"I won't, I promise." He kissed her gently on the forehead. "It's nighttime, do you want to go out?"

"Yes, I want to go to Giles' for that research, if it's even in existence. And we should probably tell them of our little science experiment." She sat up, more sure of herself now. "Where are clothes? Did you bring clean ones?"

"Yes, there's a bag at the foot of the bed, I just grabbed a bunch of stuff. Sorry if it doesn't match."

"It's okay, you're forgiven." He would never be forgiven for what he had done, this was his fault, he had done this. She went into the bathroom to change and came out in jeans and a midnight blue sweater. He only just then realized how pale she was now, all the color in her face gone. "Ready?"

"Yup, if you aren't Buffy, we can wait."

"No, let's do it, we can't hide forever."

"I don't know where she is, honest I don't Willow." Cordelia said, sitting down on the couch at Giles'. "Angel called and told me they were going away for a few days, that's all he said, and he hasn't called me since." She could tell them he said they were at the mansion or of the vision she had in which she saw Angel drinking from her. She didn't know what it meant; she had come as soon as she could. She was worried about her boss; he was her friend, her best friend, and her protector. She didn't want to think about what had happened. Had they killed each other? They had been missing for four days now.

"Well, maybe the wankers went off and shagged a little, I mean, if Darky's right, then he can't lose that pesky soul, then Peaches and Slayer are off shaggin'."

"As always Spike, we are grateful for your contribution." Giles said coming out of the kitchen.

"Well I don't care, if Dead Boy's back, it can't be good." Xander said, adding his opinion in the mix.

"I know some of her clothes were missing and her shower stuff, so maybe they did just go away for a little bit, to sort things out. She had been acting kind of weird in the past six months or so; she's been kind of distant. I think she's been coping a little better lately, but she can't forgive herself for what happened. She's been in so much pain, I can't imagine."

Spike knew why she was acting strange, she shared things with him but he had promised he wouldn't tell anyone. She told him she would stake him if he said anything, so he had to keep quiet.

"So I wonder if my Spider Senses still work."

"Well, now you can smell people."

"Really?"

"You can tell if they're human or not, it's a skill you have to hone, but it will happen." They were walking hand in hand toward Giles' when a vampire jumped out in front of them. She froze; it was one of her own kind. He quickly took a stake out of his pocket and the vampire turned to dust in front of her. "Buffy?" He asked. "Buffy?"

She shook off the feeling of sadness that loomed over her. "Yes?"

"Where'd you go?"

"I just started thinking about other things... no big." They got to the house and knocked on the door.

Giles opened it. "Buffy! We've been worried about you!"

"Yeah, I wanted to call, but... can I come in?"

"Of course, come in. Angel, how are you?" The two walked in.

"BLOODY HELL! What are you doing here?"

"Oh Spike, you knew that he was with her, take a chill." Willow ran over to her friend and took a hug, Buffy just stood there frozen. "Buffy?"

My God, he made her a vampire! Spike could sense it, feel it, she didn't have a heartbeat, she was pale, she was a vampire. He met Angel's eyes, which warned him to keep quiet. Spike respected Buffy; he would let her handle things the way she wanted. He got up and went over to Buffy and took her hand. "Come on love, come sit and tell us where you were." He tried to get the attention off the frozen look in her eyes.

She sat down in between Angel and Spike and tried to ignore the thumping in her head but it wouldn't stop. She covered her ears and began crying again. It wouldn't stop, it couldn't stop, all the smells assaulting her nose, the sounds, she couldn't make them stop.

"What's wrong Buffy?" Willow asked.

"She's just tired, Giles, can I take her in the back room for a few minutes to calm her down?"

"Yes of course Angel, we really have to find out what's wrong if she's sick."

"We will, let me just..." she felt Spike and Angel picking her up and they carried her to the back and sat her on the bed. Angel closed the door. The sounds were softer now, not as many new smells. She sat rocking herself on the bed.

"WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?" Spike screamed as he threw his sire against the wall growling.

"It's complicated Spike, she wanted to, I didn't but... I don't know."

"Spike... he didn't do it, I did." She said, calming herself down enough to speak. "I drank from him, it was my choice."

"WHY?"

"So we could be together."

"Well, I don't know how much your friends will like that when you kill them."

"It's not like that Spike, she has a soul. There's a book, where it said that all the slayers that were turned retained their souls. She wanted to be with me."

"What?"

"It's true, Angel brought the book. We want to find out what happened to them afterward, are they still roaming around? We don't know."

"Buffy are you okay?" Angel asked, kneeling in front of her.

"Yes, it's just the sound, it's so loud, thumping, what is it?"

"The heartbeats, pulses of everyone."

"How do you stand it?"

"You have to learn to tone it out, suppress it, like the smells, give it a few weeks, and it should resolve itself."

"And it's not as loud after you've fed, your body isn't looking for it love, have you fed?" She shook her head. "Why not?"

"She's got a soul, she's not going to kill people."

"Yes Peaches, but Giles has some blood, I'll go get it."

"No, I'm not... I'll be fine."

"Buffy, you have to." Angel said.

"Not now Angel, please not now. I just have to concentrate on something else."

"Okay Buffy, okay. If we can get some people out of the room, it will help. Cordelia, Wesley, Tara and Anya can leave, then it'll just be Giles, Willow and Xander, the original gang."

"Peaches, she has to..."

"Spike, not now, just go tell them to leave."

Spike came out of the back and everyone was worried. "Spike, what's going on?" Willow asked.

"Buffy just doesn't want to see everyone, she wants Red, Xander and Giles. The rest have to leave."

"But..." Cordelia started to talk, but decided Spike was just relaying what Angel and Buffy wanted and she knew he would tell her later. "Spike, would you just tell Angel that I'm going to stay at Xander's for a little bit and if he can just get in touch with me, I have the cell phone..."

"I will, he'll get the message." He watched as everyone that wasn't invited left, while he silently cursed his sire. When they had gone, Willow, Xander and her watcher looked at him with curiosity and worry.

"What's going on Spike? What did Dead Boy do?"

"Xander, please don't call Angel that." Buffy said walking out in front of Angel. "It's not nice."

They had been right, less people made it a little better, but it was still there. She had no idea how to tell them. How do you go about telling your friends that you're undead? God, she was a vampire. She felt the tears start to swell up again, and suppressed them. She sat down, Angel and Spike on either side.

"Buffy, you look pale, are you feeling okay?" Willow asked, obviously concerned.

"I'm okay Willow. I know I've been off a little lately, but I've been thinking a lot, and I vowed to do whatever it took to convince Angel that we're meant to be together, that we belong together. I did the true love spell back in eleventh grade and it led me to Angelus, Angel, it led me to him. I told you about that, and I realized that I had to get him back."

"Why?" Xander asked. "He hurt you a lot Buffy, more than once. He caused your mental breakdown, he beat you up, raped you, need I go on?"

"Xander, please, just let me finish. It's no surprise to say that last year was hard on me, being without Angel, trying to figure out my life without him. I found Riley but it was never the same. Angel coming back when he did just made it worse. Then I went to LA after Thanksgiving and something happened you don't know about. I never told you. Angel and I made love."

"HOW COULD YOU DO THAT BUFFY?! YOU WANTED TO BE KILLED?!"

She growled and Angel automatically growled to cover it up, it seemed to go unnoticed the true source of the sound. "Xander, please let me finish. Angel and I made love because Angel was human. We fought this demon whose blood when mixed with a vampires blood makes said vampire human. Angel was human for a day. But we weren't able to kill the thing the first time, so Angel went after it, only he almost died because he couldn't fight, he wasn't strong enough. So he went to the Oracles and asked for them to turn back time and they did, and he thought I didn't remember, they said I wouldn't, but I did."

"So Angel was human and then time turned back and he wasn't?"

"Exactly. So after that, I went to the Oracles to tell them that I knew and told them they were to take away the happiness clause because Angel had been really unselfish and sacrificed his own happiness for the constant war against evil and the said they would. So Angel's soul is permanent. I tried to forget after that with Riley, but I couldn't do it. Then Angelus returned for a while and things got even worse. I was so lost, and confused and we all know what happened and when Angel left again it was hard. I was depressed and one night I went to the mansion and slit my wrists."

"WHAT?" Willow asked.

"I tried to kill myself, and would have succeeded, if it hadn't been for Spike. This was when you all noticed I started hanging out with Spike more, he helped me, he saved me. And he talked to me and I could talk to him about everything. It was then that I realized I had to find a way Angel and I could be together and I found it."

Angel got the book and read the pages he had read just days earlier, the pages he had read every day since. When he was done, he closed the book.

"So, what does that mean Dead Boy?" Xander asked.

"Yea Buffy, so slayers have been turned and had souls, big deal. Do you want to be a vampire Buffy?" Willow asked.

"We aren't talking future tense here, are we Buffy?" Giles said taking his glasses off while looking at her.

"What?" Xander asked, clearly not understanding.

"Buffy's a vampire." Willow said horrified at her own words.

"BUFFY'S A VAMPIRE?! KILL HER!" Xander said. "GET A STAKE!"

"XANDER! CALM DOWN!" Buffy screamed. "Remember, slayers and soul keepage, I have mine, I don't want to kill you, although if you keep being so damn annoying I may want to torture you." He looked at her. "Sorry, bad joke."

"Buffy..." Giles just stared at her.

"Giles, I know what you're thinking and I thought about it all so much, but... I won't justify my decision, I won't explain it, it was my life, MINE, and I'd rather be this way than alone and depressed, I'd rather be this way than be like Faith."

"What about your duties?"

"Giles, they will call another Slayer and that's that."

"But..." he was silent for a minute, "I guess that's all we have to say." He got up and went into the kitchen.

"Giles, I know you're disappointed, but do you have any idea what it's like being fifteen and being told that the safety of the world is your hands? Do you have any idea how lonely that is? Can you imagine being told you'll die before you're twenty-five and it'll probably be in battle with a demon or vampire?"

"No Buffy, I don't. I know what it's like being raised knowing that your life will be dedicated to the Chosen One whose destiny to rid the world of vampires, not to become one."

"Giles, I understand that, but..."

"NO! You don't understand Buffy, you always thought about you first, not your duty, not your responsibility or the people that would suffer because of the choices you made, you never did. And you..." he turned to Angel, "you claim to love her and you do this to her? How could you do this to Buffy? Thought it would be nice to have a companion? To have a girlfriend? Had to complete the ritual you started?"

"What ritual?" Xander asked.

"The vampire ritual of mating. Courting a human, drinking from that human several times, leaving the scar, then finally making them, turning them. And that wasn't what happened." Angel said.

"OH REALLY? WHAT DID HAPPEN? BUFFY LOOKED TO THE SIDE AND YOUR FANGS ACCIDENTALLY SLIPPED IN? THEN YOU HAPPEN TO FALL AND YOUR BLOOD JUST FELL IN HER MOUTH? SOUNDS PRETTY ACCIDENTAL!" Xander screamed.

"XANDER! I did this to me, it wasn't Angel's fault."

"No Buff, it never is, he never takes the blame for anything, hell even when he was terrorizing everyone it still wasn't his fault. You were the leader of the save-Angel crusade and we all had to follow because there was no other choice. Now after everything he did to you, you're still singing the same tune. Well, it's old, we've heard it, why don't you just go outside and wait for the sunrise."

She growled and for the first time her demon visage came out to play. She hadn't realized what had happen and Xander stepped back horrified. She felt like ripping his lungs out and started to go after him but Angel grabbed her arm and held her back.

"You're a monster Buffy." Xander said, turning his back to her. She started crying and ran to the bathroom. She ran some water and put it to her face. Her fingers touched her face and it was bumpy, she realized what had happened. She looked up and wasn't in the mirror.

"Buffy?" Angel followed her back and found her staring at the mirror.

"What have I done?" She said before sinking to her knees in tears. He just stared at her. He watched as Spike rushed in and got her to her feet. "What have I done?" She cried.

"Come on love, we're leaving." They brushed past him. "Angel? You coming?" No response. "ANGEL!"

"What?" He looked at his children heading toward the door.

"You coming?"

"I'll be right behind you." The two left, Buffy holding on tightly to Spike's arm. He walked out to Giles and Xander. "You can't change what happened, she's still the same inside."

"No, you're wrong, she's got a demon now Angel and you can't take that back or fix it. You hurt her in the worst way you could and you have HER taking the blame for what YOU did."

"No, Xander, you don't know what went down so don't talk about it like you were there. Are you angry that she's with me, or that she's NOT with you? I've seen the way you look at her, and NOW of all the times she could use her friends supporting her, you’re yelling and offering to kill her."

"We can't kill her, she's already dead, remember? YOU killed her."

"Xander, Angel is right, as much as I hate to say it. We are her friends and the choice has been made." Angel looked at Giles in shock. "It takes time to get used to, it WILL take time. I assume that you will be in town for a while, yes?"

"Yes, until Buffy's more or less adjusted and we figure out what to do."

"At the mansion?"

"Yes." Angel went to leave but turned back. "For what it's worth, I didn't want this for her, I hate myself for it. If I could take it back, I would. I... I..." he put his hand in his pocket and left, shutting the door behind him.

"Here Buffy, sit down." Spike said. He was glad she had stopped crying. She had been quiet for a while now and she sat.

"What did I do?"

"Well, something stupid if you ask me, but you always do what you want."

"They're right, I didn't think it through."

"Yes you did Buffy and I should have said something."

"What do you mean?" She looked up at him with her beautiful green eyes.

"Well, for the past few months you've been asking quite a few questions about being a vampire, and I've answered them. I thought maybe you were thinking about it, but I didn't say anything. I didn't think you'd actually do it. I knew he wouldn't do it, so I thought you'd come to me. He surprised me."

"You wanted to?"

"To what?" Spike asked. Stupid question, he knew what she asked. He wanted to be the one to turn her. He didn't think Angel would follow through, but then again, Spike knew he wouldn't have been able to hurt her either. But he wanted to turn her.

"To change me."

"Yes, I was hoping that you'd come to me."

"Why?" She stood up and walked over to him.

"Because."

"Cause why?" She touched his cheek with her hand, something she'd done several times before but this was the first time her hand had not felt warm.

"Cause I... just because."

"Tell me Spike."

"Because for the past months, I've been protecting you and helping you and we've become friends I think. And I love you."

"Spike..."

"NO! Not like that... just like a sister, a sister I never had." She hugged him.

"Well, I guess I kind of am your sister now."

"Yes."

"But I plan on sleeping with Daddy."

"That's fine." She pulled back. "Are you feeling better now?"

"I don't know, there's SO much that I never even thought of, like the storm. AND everyone took it pretty hard. Do you think they were right?"

"About what love?" She hopped up on the table next to him and put her head on his shoulder.

"About my not thinking about anyone but me..."

"NO! They were just angry, mad, scared, upset, and everything in between."

"Buffy?" Angel walked in. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I'm not going to break down, AGAIN, I'm fine." He walked over and hugged her. His sire looked at him questioningly and Spike nodded, she was okay, for now.

"So just how long will it take to get used to not seeing my reflection?" She asked.

"I'm still not. But then again, I don't go to the house of mirrors either." Spike said lighting a cigarette.

"You know Spike, those'll kill you."

"So will vampires Buffy." She laughed, it was a nice sound to hear.

"Okay, very funny, I'm going upstairs."

"Buffy..." Angel grabbed her arm.

"I'm fine, I'm not going to do anything drastic, I'm packing a stake under my shirt or anything if that's what you're thinking. I just want to shower." She walked upstairs, leaving the two alone.

"You know Angel, she's not okay, what were you thinking?"

"I wasn't, I don't know, I wouldn't give her my wrist but she took it, she begged for it. She said she'd thought about it, and she dying and I couldn't let her leave. I couldn't."

"Yeah mate, but she's different now, she can't go on, she hasn't fed yet, and this is like her seventh shower isn't it?"

"I know, she won't feed, she says she's not hungry. And when we were on our way to Giles' a vamp jumped out and she just froze."

"Well, they're part of her now Angel, just like they are a part of you and me. She's become the thing she hated most of all for five years. I think it's impossible to think she can adjust."

She walked up the stairs, but ran to the bedroom and slammed the door shut. She locked it behind her and walked over to the table where Angel had put the bottles of blood. She felt so hungry. She picked one up and opened the top. She closed her eyes and put it to her lips and inhaled the aroma. "It's just apple juice." She said as she opened her mouth, but she threw the jar across the room and it hit the wall, glass shattering.

She walked over to the dresser where he had put her bathroom stuff. She picked up the vanilla perfume and smelled it. It was so sweet. It too went flying across the room and shattered. She screamed as her lotion followed it and her nail polish and the picture of her he had brought from her room. She went and picked up the picture and caressed her face on the picture. She vamped out and put her hand to her face. Her fingers numbly ran over her new features, her true face and she screamed once more taking on of the remaining bottles and throwing it across the room. She went to the window and jumped out and ran to the hills.

"Do you hear that Peaches?"

"What?"

"That screaming."

"Buffy..." and with that his sire was running up the stairs. "BUFFY!" Spike ran after him and found Angel pounding on the door. "BUFFY! Open the door! Please! BUFFY!"

"Here." Spike handed an axe to Angel and he hacked at the door until he was able to get through.

"She's not here."

"No, but she certainly made a mess."

"I know where she is, I'm going, clean this up, would you?"

"Go."

He ran up the hill, "Buffy? Buffy?" He knew she would be there, it was a quarter until dawn. "Buffy?" He reached the top of the hill and found her standing on the lookout. "Buffy." She glanced back at him and continued staring at the houses below. He walked over to her and tried taking her hand, but she wouldn't give it. "Buffy, listen to me, you have to come with me."

"People are starting to wake up now, parents, kids, dogs... life goes on."

"Yes it does."

"And I'm not a part of that anymore."

"You may not be a part of that anymore, but you're a part of me, a part of me that I need."

"I can smell it. I never believed you but I can smell it. I can smell the sunrise."

"Buffy, come inside, please."

"Buffy, this is NOT who you are. You are Buffy, no matter what mask or body you wear, you are Buffy. Didn't you try to tell me that the vampire is NOT who I am? You begged me to go inside with you."

"And you wouldn't."

"Buffy, we're running out of miracles, please come inside, if we go now, we can make it." He took her hand, but she pulled away quickly. "BUFFY! Look at me."

"NO! LOOK AT ME!" She looked at him with yellow eyes. "Look at me Angel! I'm hideous. I'm a monster."

"NO! You're beautiful, covered in slime or with a vampire face, Buffy, this IS NOT YOU! Please."

"No, leave. Just go."

"NO! Buffy you wouldn't let me go and I won't loose you this way, we've come too far, done too much to torn apart now. Please Buffy. I can't lose you because of this."

"Angel, you didn't do this to me, don't blame yourself." He grabbed her arm forcefully and pulled her screaming down the hill. "LET ME GO! LET ME GO!"

"NO! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE THIS WAY!"

"I'm already dead Angel." They reached the mansion as the first rays of direct light hit the ground and he locked the door behind them. "I'm already dead..." she sunk to the ground crying once more.

"ANGEL!" Spike ran to the foyer. "What happened?"

"She was going to burn, she wanted to burn." Giles came out of the living room next. "What do you want?"

"I found out what happened to the other slayers who were turned."

She vaguely heard Giles' voice, and she felt those strong arms lift her up and carry her.

"Let's go sit. I don't want to leave her alone." The four went into the living room and sat down. "Tell me."

"Well, it's not good news I'm afraid. The slayers that actually survived longer than a week went crazy, crazy on killing sprees, the demon overcame the soul, it tore them apart, they were have said to be screaming at themselves, as though the victim became themselves and they ripped into them much like any vampire would a slayer."

"What happened to them after that?"

"Most committed suicide, bathing in holy water, staking themselves or burning at sunrise."

"What happened to those who didn't make is past a week?" He asked, not wanting to hear the answer.

"They were killed by their sires or by other townsfolk who didn't want to take the chance, but mainly by the new slayer that was called. The council gave specific instructions for the destruction of the turned slayers."

"Did any survive? Overcome the struggles?"

"One of about thirty that the council knows of."

"Is that slayer still around today?"

"No. You see, she overcame the struggles, but after her bloody rampage, she refused to feed and died. Most of the slayers refused to feed. Has Buffy..."

"Buffy refuses, say she's not hungry, she should be." Angel's grip tightened around his girl.

"Angel, as much as I'd like to say she will get through this, we cannot allow her to kill anyone. Perhaps we should..."

"NO! We're not going to kill her. She'll be fine. If I have to take her to the most remote area of the world where there are no people for miles, I'll do that. I'm not going to let you or anyone else kill her. If that's why you came here, you can leave."

"Very well." He watched Giles go.

"Spike, don't think about this, she's going to be fine. I'm going to take her upstairs and I want you to make sure no one comes up, okay?"

"Sure mate."

She felt herself being carried and he took he into the bedroom that was now clean from her rampage earlier. "Buffy, listen to me, you have to pull through this, I can't lose you. I love you too much to give you up now. Not when we have a chance. I know it doesn't seem like it won't be okay, but I won't let anyone hurt you, including yourself. I love you." He laid her on the bed and sat next to her.

"Angel, I don't want to loose my mind. I won't hurt people."

"You won't."

"But I would have. I wanted to kill Xander."

"Everyone wants to kill Xander Buffy. How can you not? He's Xander." She cracked a smile. "That's what I want to see more of, your smiles."

"I'm so scared Angel." She began crying again.

He took her in his arms holding her, "Hush... it's going to be okay Buffy. Those other slayers didn't have Willow and Giles and Spike and they didn't have me. They didn't have our love to pull them through Buffy and I won't let anything happen to you. I promise."

//Deliver me out of my sadness

Deliver me from all of the madness//

She let go of him and took his face in her hands. She looked deep into his eyes, "I know." She pressed her lips to his and he kissed her back. She slowly opened his mouth with her tongue and their tongues dueled playfully before she deepened the kiss. Her fingers went to the buttons of his shirt and she pushed it off.

//Deliver me courage to guide me

Deliver me strength from inside me//

"Buffy... are you sure?" Her eyes locked with his and he tried to figure out what she was thinking.

"I've never been more sure of anything in my unlife." Her lips began running over his chest as he worked on her shirt. Things just may work out after all.

//All of my life

I've been in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like you//

Her shirt and bra joined his shirt on the floor rather quickly as her hungry hands ran over her lover's shoulders and down his strong arms. His hands were just as hungry and ran over her shoulders and arms to her breasts and her peaking nipples. Her scent was so much more now, it was part of him, he could smell himself in her, his blood was in her body and hers in him. It only activated his own arousal more. He could smell her, feel her arousal so much more than ever before.

His fingers played with her nipples as she tried to get his belt out of the way, but it wasn't working. She growled slightly. "Buffy? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry, I'm not used to that." She ran her fingers down his back while he plundered her nipples with his mouth, taking one and sucking on it, while his fingers toyed with the other. She moaned and he could hear a purr emanating from her body.

"Get up." She pushed him away and stood up. "Strip now."

"Don't need to tell me twice." The frenzy of clothes being strewn about the room was quick and the lovers found each other once more. He leaned her back onto the bed slowly while their lips collided.

//Now that you're here

Now that I've found you

I know you're the one to pull me through//

His mouth savagely attacked her own as his hands slid down her stomach and over her thighs to her sex. His fingers tickled the nest of hairs before slipping in between her soft skin. He kissed his way down after his fingers. She closed her eyes and just felt as he plundered her sex, as he had her mouth and breasts. She wasn't gasping for air like always before. She thrust up into his mouth, forcing his tongue deeper inside her. She was so wet, she could feel herself, she could smell so many more things. She knew one was his sex, and hers. "Angel..." she moaned. She could feel the purring coming from deep within her body, a place she hadn't known about. She heard his purring as well, in sync with her and she could feel the vibrations ripping through her body. "Angel... please..."

//Deliver me loving and caring

Deliver me giving and sharing

Deliver me the cross that I'm bearing//

He crawled up over her and she felt his tongue run the length of her body sending shivers down her spine as she thrashed around under him. He pushed her legs apart with his as he positioned himself above her. "Are you sure?"

"Uh huh..." she nodded as she closed her eyes. She felt him enter her slowly, pushing his way past the emotional barriers she'd erected. He touched her in ways no one else could. The instant he was inside her, she knew she would be okay. He began thrusting in and out of her, pushing slightly more every time but it wasn't good enough. She wrapped her legs around his waist and locked her feet around his back effectively drawing him in deeper. She squeezed him and he growled. It vibrated through her body and she answered his growl with her own.

//All of my life

I was in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like you//

Hearing her growl, feeling it resonate through his body, was something he'd only ever dreamed of. He thrust inside her faster and deeper as she continued to squeeze him and growl. She scratched at his back with her nails as they neared climax.

//Now that you're here

Now that I've found you

I know that you're the one to pull me through//

She felt something was missing, something she should do. He thrust into her body and she met his force while his mouth plundered hers. He began kissing down to her neck and she knew. Her nails continued to dig deep into his back and she was assaulted by the smell of his blood.

//Deliver me

Deliver me

I want to live my life free//

She vamped out and sank her fangs deep into his jugular and it shocked him as he thrust deeper than he'd ever been. He did likewise and they came together. She continued drinking from him as the waves of sensation came crashing into her mind. She bucked underneath him, thrashing around as the most intense orgasm she'd ever had shot through her body.

As their bodies came down she continued drinking from him and they shared each other's blood for quite some time, running it through their bodies in a vampire's kiss. He remained on top of her as they drank and some ten minutes later, she stopped and pulled out of him. He rolled over next to her and she snuggled into him.

//All of my life

I was in hiding

Wishing there was someone just like you//

"Buffy? Are you awake?"

"Yes."

"How are you?" He was afraid to ask, it was a lot to get used to and he was still trying to get over the shock of her fangs in his neck. He hadn't been expecting that since she refused to feed before.

"I'm wonderful for a change. It's a nice feeling."

"What?"

"Pleasantly numb, it's a nice feeling. But..."

"But what?"

"But I'm kind of hungry." He smiled, he was so glad she wanted something. He got up and grabbed the last bottle of blood.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm okay." She took it and put it to her mouth and drank it down. "What the hell is this anyway?"

"Cow, I think."

"It's kind of gross."

"Well, duh, but pig is better. But this has been sitting a couple days, it's better fresh." He sat down next to her. "Are you sure you're okay? Really okay?"

"I'm okay now. I think I'll be okay. I think we both will..."

"But?"

"But what?"

"You have but face Buffy, tell me."

"I'm hungry."

"Well, we'll have to go get more..." she threw him down on the bed straddling him.

"That's not the hungry I was referring to."

Now that you're here

Now that I've found you

I know that you're the one to pull me through//

TWO WEEKS LATER

The vampire turned to dust and she walked away. "Nice job honey."

"Thanks, but he was a baby."

"So are you." He kissed her gently before taking her hand as they continued their patrol. "So what were you saying?"

"Right... so Willow and I are meeting Xander tomorrow at the Bronze, you're welcome to come if you want."

"I'm so glad you've worked some things out with them."

"Me too." She looked behind him and smiled.

"What Buffy?"

"I'm just admiring how yummy your ass looks in leather."

"What is it with you and leather Buffy?"

"Oh come on, you're gorgeous you know that, and the leather duster and pants? My god, it's all I can do to restrain myself from jumping your bones right now." He smiled at her.

"You too."

"It's a new look for me, but I think I'm ready for some changes." He looked down at his beloved. She did look good in the leather pants. His sweater looked good on her too, a little big, but she was gorgeous anyway.

"Change?"

"Well, some... I mean, I've already been through a lot." She wrapped her arm around his waist and he threw his arm over her shoulder and pulled her close to him. "I love you Angel."

"I love you too Buffy." She leaned her head into him. "Buffy? You still my girl?"

"Always and forever."

For the first time ever she felt truly happy. It was an awesome feeling.

//Deliver me, oh deliver me

Won't you deliver me//

~El Fin~

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