SERIES : CRUSH
PAIRING THIS PART: Darla/Angel
RATING : NC17
SPOILERS : Buffy season 5
episode “Crush” and Angel/Buffy season 2/5.
DISCLAIMER : I do not own these
characters. Nor do I own “Physical” (Nine Inch Nails).
NOTES & WARNINGS : DIRECT
QUOTES and situations FROM ANGEL EPISODE “REPRISE”
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Chapter
5 : It Lets You Be
“I don’t even
know what you are anymore.” She says.
Neither do I,
Cordelia. No. That’s not true. For the first time ever, I know. “I’m a vampire.
Look it up.”
*~*~*~*~*
“Well, will it
get me back to the home office or wherever it came from?” I ask. I’m sick of
waiting for them to come and get me.
“It might. If
you’re insane. Do you realize what this home office is?”
“I think I have
a pretty good idea.”
“Hell! Why the
heck do you wanna go to Hell?” To be home? “You’re gonna try to go down there
and destroy the whole lotta them, aren’t ya? Well, that’d certainly make up for
the time th… not a terrific idea. Suicide really…” That’s the point. I don’t
wanna be here.
“Look, will the
ring get me there or not?”
“Ya gotta get
it first. And to get the ring, ya gotta kill the Klanack.”
“How?”
“You’re lookin’ at the one guy who can tell you how.”
“HOW?” I
demand.
“To kill the
Klanack, to get the ring, you need the glove.”
“Okay now
you’re making this up.”
“Legend says
the Klanack rose up from their demon world, raped and pillaged the villages of
man; and all who fought against them were incinerated, whether they struck with
fist or sword. But one brave and worthy knight, he had a glove, fashioned and
blessed by all the powers of light. And whoever wore this glove could kill the
Klanack just by grabbing it at the throat. Picked it up in ‘75 at a yard sale
in Kovina.” He brings it to me. It looks so familiar, of course how many gloves
have I seen? “ Been usin’ it as an oven mitt. And now I give it to you. No
charge; because the truth is, you did change my life. And I got a feeling that
this time things are gonna ge-”
What? “Better.”
He whispers as I feel the sword inside my gut.
He’s pushed
towards me. I wish I didn’t know what happened. But before I see her, before I
hear her voice, I know what happened. “That’s right, Angelus. Go towards the
bleeding mortal, because that’s smart.” I fall to the ground. “The ring is not
about vengeance, Angelus. It’s about power.” Her boot kicks my face and it
doesn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. She still has a soft spot for me.
Setting her on fire didn’t make her hate me. “We’ll get to the vengeance part
soon.”
Yes, My Love,
we will.
*~*~*~*~*
Falling. I can remember falling.
There’s nothing else like it in the world, falling, that is. Like a giant wave
is rushing over you and you can’t breathe, can’t do anything except let it
happen. I feel like that sometimes. I feel like… what does it matter how I
feel? It doesn’t.
I land on the pavement below.
Any other person would be dead, but not me. That’s because I’m not a person;
I’m not human. I’m not even a vampire. I’m not anything. I don’t matter.
I grab the ring and put it on.
“Okay, home office. Let’s finish this.” I look around for a minute, expecting
that I’ll be transported away like some freaky, starship enterprise thing, the
only bit of pop culture I know. Instead, a door opens.
“Congratulations!
Great victory.”
“You’re…”
“Holland
Manners.”
“Not alive.” I
*know* I read his name in the paper as being one of the victims.
“Oh no, I’m quite
dead. Unfortunately, my contract with Wolfram and Hart extends beyond that. Hop
on in. You certainly earned it…” I step in and look at him. He’s not
transparent. “No, not a ghost either. It’s just me. Dead me. See?” He pulls
back his collar and I see where her fangs were. But I knew that, I already
smelled her on him. “Home Office, wasn’t it? I should mention the trip is one
way. Well, if there are no objections, I suggest we get going. It’s a rather
long ride.”
I stand there,
next to someone who started all this. He was the one ordering Lindsey and Lilah
to order kills and bring back Darla. He was standing there in that room when I
cut off Lindsey’s hand. And you know what happened? I saw him there, watching
from afar, from the door. He wanted to watch. And when Lindsey’s hand fell to
the ground and I grabbed the scroll, I caught a glimpse of Holland’s face. It
wasn’t horrified, or concerned. He was proud. I thought he was proud because
Lindsey had proven himself; but now I think he was proud of me. I’d shown him
how far I could go. I wonder if he thought of me in his last moments.
“Well, this is
exciting, isn’t it? Going straight to the source. So, what’s the big plan,
Angel? Destroy the senior partners? Smash Wolfram and Hart once and for all?”
No, I want to
smash me. There’s at least the tiniest, little bit of honor in dying for a good
cause. Right? I need to believe that; because, otherwise, nothing else matters.
“Something like that.”
“Uh huh… now,
tell me: just what do you imagine that would accomplish, in the end, I mean?”
“It’ll be the
end.” I’ll end. I’ll cease.
“Well, the end
of you, certainly. But I mean in the larger sense.”
“In the larger
sense, I really don’t give a crap.”
“Now, I don’t
think that’s true. Be honest. You’ve got the tiniest bit of give a crap left;
otherwise, you wouldn’t be going on this kamikaze mission. Now, let me see.
There was something in a sacred prophecy,
some oblique reference to you, something you were supposed to prevent.
Now, what was that?”
“The
apocalypse.”
“Yes, the
apocalypse; of course, another one of those. Well, it’s true. We do have one
scheduled; and I imagine that if you stop it, you would save a great many
people. Well… you should do that then, absolutely, then. I wasn’t thinking. Of
course, all those people you saved from that apocalypse would then have the
next one to look forward to. But hey! It’s always something, isn’t it?”
He’s right.
Absolutely. There’s always another demon that humans can’t know about. There’s
always another disaster, another end of the world, another apocalypse that’s
coming. Always another vampire that rises, a dimension breach that lets in ten
demons. It’s hopeless.
“You’re not
gonna win.” Maybe if I say it enough, it’ll be true.
“Well, no. Of
course we aren’t. We have no intention of doing anything so prosaic as
winning.” He laughs, mocking me. I don’t understand. Isn’t that the point of
the fight?
“Then why?”
“I’m sorry. Why
what?”
“Why fight?”
“That’s really
a question you should be asking yourself, isn’t it? See, for us, there is no
fight; which is why winning doesn’t enter into it. We go on, no matter what.
Our firm has always been here, in one form of another… Inquisition… We were
there when the very first caveman clubbed his neighbor. See, we’re in the
hearts and minds of every, single, living being. And *that*, Friend, is what’s
making things so difficult for you. See, the world doesn’t work in spite of
evil. It works with us. It works because of us.”
NO. That can’t
be it. I can feel something inside me. It hurts. Worse than souls. Worse than
the pits of Hell. Worse than knowing the love of your life just ran you
through. It’s hopelessness.
“Welcome to the
Home Office.” He says.
“This is…” I
whisper but I know. I’ve always known. This *is* Hell. This world and everyone
in it is my Hell.
“Well, you know
it is… you know that better than anyone. The things you see, the things you’ve…
well, done. You see if there wasn’t evil in every single one of them out there,
they wouldn’t be people. They’d all be angels…” I can’t stand up. I drop the
glove from my hand. It doesn’t matter anymore. None of it matters.
I don’t matter.
I step out of the elevator; and
I know he says something, but words are lost on me. I look to my side and I see
a mother grabbing her child, screaming at her. A homeless man that people just
pass by. A starving child sitting on a bench that no one gives a second thought
to. Pain is all around them and they don’t care.
Words of hate plastered all over
buildings and cars. So much hate. Evil inside every one. That’s true. I’ve seen
it. I’ve been it. I’ve been the monster, whispering ideas into someone’s head.
I *made* Drusilla crazy. I made Spike become what I wanted. I have always
blamed myself, but it’s not me. They had it in them. Becoming a vampire doesn’t
make you evil.
It lets you be.
Chapter
6 : Destroy Me
I walk into my place and the
machine has just picked up. Cordelia’s voice echoes through the empty room,
through me. “Hi you’ve reached Angel Investigations. We help the hopeless.
Leave a message and we’ll get right back to you.”
Who could be calling anyway? Not
Cordelia asking for a raise. Not Wesley to tell me what demon I’m fighting.
They don’t matter anymore. *I* don’t matter.
“You did it didn’t you?” It’s
Kate. “You Bastard. You made me trust you. You made me believe. No. It wasn’t
you. It was me, right? Couldn’t take the heat. That’s what they’re gonna say.
And you’re gonna feel all bad, or you won’t care. But I won’t care either. I won’t
feel a thing.” I push the button to shut the thing off.
She doesn’t matter.
Nothing matters.
*I* don’t matter. I can fight a
hundred demons and they just keep coming. At least, before I got my soul, I was
on the winning side. Because I’ve tried so long to deny it. But the truth is
that good can never win, because evil already did.
Darla won when she killed me.
She won when she drank the last shred of hope that I had. Evil is inside
everyone. Even the slayer. Faith killed people. Buffy always wanted to. Their
power exists because evil exists. There had to have been evil before there was
someone to fight it.
So why bother? What’s the point?
A hundred slayers, a thousand slayers, and still demons rule the world. Whether
there are two warriors or one.
*I* don’t
matter.
I walk up to my room and freeze
just inside the doorway. “What do you want, Darla?” I knew she was here. I can
feel her. I always could. “You want this?” I drop the ring on the floor. It
doesn’t matter. There is no Home Office to go to because we’re already there.
She dives for
it but I grab her. I don’t know why. Maybe to hurt her. Maybe to damn her.
“Maybe what you really want is this.” I grab her by the hair and I can smell
her sex permeating the air. “Maybe what you really want is this…” I press my
lips to hers. God, it’s been so long since I felt this… since I lost myself in
someone. I lick her cheeks, tasting her skin and she pushes me away.
“Don’t play
games with me.” She says. On no, My Love, I’m all out of games.
“I’m not
playing. I just wanna feel something besides the cold.” It consumes and it
hurts. Hopelessness. Devoid of hope. I grab her and kiss her again. My hands
get greedy and reach for her breasts, her ass, something to hold onto.
Something to keep me in this world, to keep me of this world.
I kiss her and
we lean back onto the table. She starts laughing as I grind myself into her.
“Why are you laughing?” I grab her again and throw her through the door. Glass
shatters and she falls on the broken glass. “Don’t you feel the cold?”
“What are you
doing?” She asks as she stands. I walk over to her and she wants it. She wants
me to fuck her. *I* want to fuck her. I want to matter. I want to matter to
someone, anyone. I *need* to matter.
“Doesn’t
matter,” I whisper as I hold her face. “None of it matters.” I kiss her again;
and she relents her tongue and lets me into her mouth. She tastes like fresh
blood. A recent feed. A recent kill. Good. Get rid of the evil.
I push her back
on the bed and she pulls me on top of her. I’m practically fucking her through
our clothes. It’s been over a year since I’ve felt anything but me on my flesh.
I miss the touch. I miss lips on my skin, and whispers. I miss someone moaning
my name, or feeling another’s tongue against mine.
I miss the
power of being able to make someone come.
She starts
pulling at my pants and I feel her fingers hungrily grab my skin as she
struggles to tear them off. I unzip her dress and pull it down. I feel her
nipples against my chest and they harden. Fuck. It’s been too long.
I roll us over
and we get rid of the rest of the clothes that keep us from one another. I flip
her over again as she kisses me and touches me. She fondles me, reaches down
between our bodies and touches my cock. Shit.
She squeezes me
and guides me to her slick channel, dripping with her desire. I matter. She
needs me and it’s so good to be needed. To be wanted.
I thrust
completely inside, quick and fast. I see her eyes looking up at me, thinking
she’s won. Indeed.
I slam into her again and again.
I feel her fingers on my back, her nails gouging me, taking my flesh. Take my
skin off, my bones too, Darla. Take it away. Hate me. Fuck me. Loathe me. Kill
me. Destroy me.
And I could care less if she
comes or not, but I think she does when I do.
And as she whispers
my name, I know something.
I matter.
~El Fin~
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