Yes, girls and boys....it's the holiday season yet again, and time for our 2nd annual

(1959 Cinematografica/ K. Gordon Murray Prod.) Director: Rene Cardona

True or False:  Santy Claus lives at the North Pole at his toy workshop.....

False?!?

He lives in a castle atop a magic space cloud (right next door to Merlin the Wizard, to beat all...small world, eh?).  Santy also appears to have a white slavery gig goin' on, having several children of various ethnic stereotypes imprisoned whom he rules with an iron fist (and a pipe organ) whom he makes sing and dance for his perverse pleasure... True or False:  Santy Claus has waged a centuries long war with Satan, the Fallen Angel and Prince of Lies.  True?!?!  WTF?!?! Waitaminnit.....that actually sounds pretty kick-ass.  Welcome to the wonderful world of the 1959 Mexican Santa Claus flick, and too bad it's not nearly as half as cool as the above T or F question sounds...

The Plot:  Yes, from the land of luchadore films and Tin-Tan comes the amazing story of Santa Claus...or at least their really screwed up perspective of it.  Our story revolves around how Santy and his little helpers,the aforementioned terribly stereotypical multiethnic children...I actually cringed when the so-called African kids (complete with bone through the nose) had their little bit of screentime,  reward good little children and try and sway kids from the temptations of Satan and his minions.  Satan is represented by a huge gas flame with some offscreen voice-over, while hell and it's denizens seem to be a Vegas stage act with slightly effeminate Latino male actors in cliched red devil Halloween costumes.  Satan sends Pitch  (his top henchman) to Earth to cause children to turn to evil....

Santa vs. Satan: The Quickening

At this point, we are introduced to Lupita and her mother.  Lupita is a poor little girl who just wants a dolly for Christmas, but her parents being poverty row doesn't help that matter much.  Lupita also recieves more visits from Satanic forces than Linda Blair it seems, whom are constantly trying to tempt her into stealing said doll.  They do so through incredibly trippy dreams of gigantic talking dolls that is far too disturbing for words.  We also meet the Three Little Bad Boys, whom are constantly in Lucifer's power.  If one takes this film as the gospel, throwing rocks through windows is an Old Testament style sin, because Pitch talks 'em into it, which angers Santa, who decides to bring down his swift and just wrath upon them once he gets to Earth....but he's only allowed to travel to Earth one night a year (Christmas Eve), so his hands are tied at the moment.

Mama and Lupita

Then, we are treated to Santa reading his annual batch of X-Mas letters.  Santy is way too happy to recieve mail, it seems, openning a huge laundry shoot and dumping about 200 pounds of it on top of him, as he laughs maniacally...some people have extremely odd fetishes.  One letter asks St. Nick to bring him a little brother, which he promptly reroutes to his buddy, the Stork...our Satan-hating Santa seems to Catholic, and is all about procreation furthering the numbers of the church through this little manuever.  Santa then visits Merlin, his illegal narcotics hook-up...for "magic sleep dust".  Merlin seems to be hip to crystal meth himself, because he moves about in much the same manner that the hopping vampires from Hong Kong kung-fu horror films do....constantly singing to himself.  If that ain't dusthead, I don't know what is...

Hell IS for children, it seems....

Then there's the Master Keymaker, who provides Kris Kringle with his universal skeleton key that helps him get into houses without chimneys.  This guy seems to have escaped from a Stan Lee/Jack Kirby Thor comic book, and had spent a little time making Italian peplum flicks....I have a feeling this dude is currently making the rounds at local Ren fests selling turkey legs.  True or False: Santa has 8 magic reindeer that pull his sleigh.  False.  he has cybernetic abominations of some sort of animatronic type yard displays that he refers to as "spootniks".  Children sing along with St Nick the most disorganized and annoying Christmas carol EVER while loading his sleigh as he proceeds to wind up his mechanical deer.

The close-up scenes of the reindeer heads laughing a cold mechanical laugh is quite possibly the most disturbing scene in cinematic history. Then it's of Earth to deliver toys and fight demons.  How much more Christmas-y can ya get, eh?  Santa encounters Pitch and shoots him in the ass with a toy missle.  Santa makes a personal appearence at the rich kid's house and leaves him the most stuff (ain't it always the way...Santa always loves the rich kids more).  Will Lupita ever get her doll without resorting to small time theft?  Will Santa defeat the Devil? Will this film make more sense to you than this poor reviewer?  Treat yourself this holiday season and find a copy....sometimes tough love is the best kind when giving gifts to yourself during the Yuletide....

AUUUGH!!!  Evil Cyborg Reindeer!