When it came time for Tristan’s funeral I again had no idea what to do. I did however figure that Misty or her husband Chris did not know anything or very little about SIDS. Since I was in the medical field I knew a little. So the night before Tristan’s funeral I searched the Internet and printed out information about SIDS for them to read when they got a chance. The devastation on their faces at the funeral I will never forget. Since I was 8 1/2 months pregnant at the time I was trying very hard to keep it cool inside. (I was in the hospital the day he died with a blood pressure of 180/130). I felt so incredibly guilty at the funeral though. My son was alive and healthy and kicking during the entire funeral. It was so unfair. Part of me was being selfish; this was my best friend of 13+ years. We had planed for her to be at the hospital when I had my son. I could not dream of asking her to do this now. I didn’t want to even bring it up. Honestly I wished I wasn’t pregnant at this time, it would be easier for her I thought.
Anyway my point in all this is that even though I had no idea what to do, Misty led me to the answers. I figured if she could talk about Tristan, I could. Even though it was hard for me to talk about him or think about him not being here, if it made Misty feel better to talk about him, could it really be that hard for me to talk about him? The answer is no. If you are the friend or family member of someone who has lost a child to SIDS the best thing you can do for him or her is to listen. Listen when the cry, listen when the talk and listen when they tell you they need something. Since Tristan’s death Misty joined the online support group SIDS families. By doing this she had someone that could relate to how she feels on a daily basis. At first I thought she was doing pretty well with his death. I began to realize she wasn’t. I have also joined the support group to support Misty. I have realized more than I had planned by doing so. I did not realize that SIDS parents deal with their loss on a daily basis. They have made me realize things I never thought of when it comes to Misty and her life and feelings. For instance I never thought how Misty is going to feel when she watches my son grow up. How is she going to feel when my son surpasses the age Tristan was when he died? I don’t know. But I will be there for her if she needs me. If it hurts her to see my son for a while then I won’t bring him around.
The best thing for a friend to do is to educate them about SIDS. As well as others. Don’t try and think you know how they feel, lets face it you don’t. No one can even BEGIN to imagine how a SIDS mom or dad feels. You just can’t do it. Your friend or family member may appear to be dealing with things well, but don’t assume that they are. Ask questions, “Are you doing ok today?” The way they feel on the inside and how the APPEAR to be on the inside are two different things. Trust me, I know Misty better than almost anyone, and I could not tell she was in agony on the inside. Another thing the group has taught me is to remember. Let them know you remember the day their child was born, the day they died, the day they should have turned another month or year older. They need to know that other people remember their child also. I am not an expert. I am simply going by what my best friend has taught me. So please if you are a friend and family member of someone who has lost a child to SIDS do not turn and run from them. They need you now more than ever. Don’t give them the loss of a friendship to mourn too. |
