Main Entry: Mike
Pronunciation: 'mIk
1: Amazingly, this (or rather Michael) means "Who is like the Lord?" in Hebrew. Well, personally, I'd say that Mike is definitely not like the Lord. Whichever Lord you're talking about. A more ignoble, unlordly creature can not be found outside North East Hants.
Main Entry: Landers
1: "One whose occupation is that of a washerwoman." Mike has taken exception to this. He says he is actually of Viking descent and that this means one who landed. He says his ancestory explains his frequant urges to rape and pillage.
His birthday is 14th July, 1973. Therefore :"With your sincerity and straightforwardness, you can not tolerate (intolerant? Mike? Surely not!) or understand anything different in others. You are optimistic, generous, confiding and idealistic, and would suffer terribly if an ideal was shattered. Your love is pure and to be happy you must have the understanding of your mate (NOT lust, you notice Mike?)." And here's the one based on his name: "The name Mike has given you a very imaginative, creative mind. You always have new ideas, but too often they are for an easy way out of a difficulty, or an easy way of making money. You do not have the inclination to apply yourself consistently to a job and to reach the fulfilment of your goals through perseverance and hard work. The influence of this name has caused you to feel unsettled emotionally and mentally. You are never satisfied with conditions, because your feelings and desires are so changeable. Hence you seek change in order to have the opportunity for travel, new experiences, and new friends and associates. There are people in your association who influence you unfavourably and mislead you; disillusionment, embarrassment, and bitter experiences then become your lot. You have a very talkative nature and because of it, you could do well in saleswork or in a position where you handle the public. However, you would find any position requiring self-confidence and aggressiveness very trying (yeah! You're so short on self-confidence....NOT!). You are subject to moods of depression and self-pity, arising in part from a lack of confidence. Nervous tension often affects your solar plexus and stomach area."
Starting life as a clump of hair and growing downwards to his present height of almost 6ft, Mike was discovered in the remote hills of Tibet. After receiving his education from reclusive monks (most of whom committed suicide during his stay), he was sent off to Britain, where he was enrolled in a Catholic school. The five years spent there in strict religious education successfully converted him to a new religion - Satanism. During his unhappy schooldays, Mike sought refuge in computers, Bill Hicks, heavy metal music and hockey. Along with sharing the same birthday with fellow megalomaniacs Julius Caesar and Napolean, this went a long way to forming the bitter, twisted individual we see today.
You are likely to meet him in a group of hockey fans. It is very probable that these fans are currently engaged in an argument. It is also very probable that Mike started this argument by winding them up. He has followed the Storm, literally from day 1, at the MK Tournament, through highs, through lows, but most recently through his hands as the Storm find a new way to lose. He has antagonised, provoked and just plain annoyed fans for six years now, with only the failed Solihull assassination attempt to show for it. Likely to be spotted on hockey nights clutching Chad the Cuddly Wolf and either a dark Magnum ice cream, or a bottle of Jim Beam and Coke. Psychiatrists have concluded that for this, poor individual, hockey is therapy.
Away from the ice, Mike relaxes by listening to music with real instruments in, watching obscure movies and cult TV, and writing. Everything he watches is rated on his personal Holy Trinity: sex, violence and humour. He has harboured a longing desire for Kirstie Alley, but will settle for Nastassja Kinski. He likes to walk up hill and down dale, which is a seen as an opportunity to commune with Nature, an inspiration for his writing and a chance to annoy local farmers with sheep-shagging taunts. Also a fan of stand-up comedy, with enough alcohol inside him, he might have a go at it one day. Research is being undertaken into which is better, Jack Daniels or Jim Beam, the final report is due sometime in 2005. He desperately wants us to believe he is a calm, well adjusted individual who cares. Close friends think otherwise.
He urgently needs the love of a good woman, but is prepared to accept the lust of a bad one.
Most likely to say:
"Bollocks"
"There are two opinions in the world. Mine. And the Wrong One."
"Oh God... oh no... oh God..."
Least likely to say:
"I agree"
"You're right"
"I think British pop culture is the best in the world."
Not to be confused with:
- Michael Landon (Bloke from Little House on the Prairie);
- Todd Landers (Bloke from Neighbours);
- Martin Landau (something about Space 1999).
