War Within

War Within by TC Amlin

Title: War Within
Author: TC Amlin, Codedriver@aol.com
Summary: Mac gets angry the night of the Surface Warfare Ball when Mic shows up. After that major look that passes between Mac and Harm, Mac decides to leave early, without telling Mic or anyone else for that matter. On her way home she has a horrible car accident that leaves her amnesiac.
Disclaimer: I don't own them and the use of these characters are just for fun, they are owned by DB and CBS.

This is a FF that was written as a challenge and I would like to think her for it and Lisa who beta read some of this for me.

War Within

1950 EST

How could he? I cant believe that he just did that with out calling me? The embarrassment in front of everyone with my uneasiness, how many times did Harm look my way with that look. And just what does that mean? And the looks that Harm and Mic gave each other? It is a good thing that Renee is blonde or she would be as pissed as I am.

Damn both of them. I have had enough, no woman should be put through this hell that they have. They want to fight over something then they need to pick something else.

What the...was her last thought as her car is rammed on the drivers side.

The Ballroom

Harm had given Renee the slip for the moment and was looking around for Mac when he came face to face with Mic.

"Mic."

"Rabb, have you seen Sarah?"

"No, has she given you the slip?" Harm says with a smile.

"She wanted some air and disappeared. I was just wondering if you knew where she may have gone."

"Sorry I have a date to keep up with. If Mac is too much for you then maybe you should go back under the rock you came out from under."

"Funny Rabb, funny."

"Whats wrong Harm?" Renee asked as she slid up to him glaring at Mic.

"Nothing Renee. Mic and I were finished."

"Good, I need to talk to you."

"Bye Mic." Harm says as he lead over to a private corner with Renee. "What's up."

"I just got a call from my boss in LA. I am needed for a shoot out there that is going to more than likely last the summer."

"Well we talked about this the other night. Why that surprised look?"

"I just figured that you wouldn't take this so well. Along with the fact that I need to leave on the redeye tonight."

"Then I guess this party is over. I'll take you home and get you to the airport."

The crash scene

"The two over here are dead, how about her?" The fire fighter asked the paramedic.

"She's got a bad head injury here, we need to get her out now."

"The Jaws are on their way."

"Just grab a crowbar, we don't have time for the rescue truck."

Five minutes later, the ambulance is racing towards Bethesda.

Fifteen minutes later,

"What have you got Mike?"

"30ish year old female from an MVC, two DOS. She has a few cuts and abrasions on her arms and legs from glass and she has a bad head laceration. Her pupils are equal and reactive, but sluggish. B/P of 108 over 60 and a pulse of 100, we assisted her breathing which varied from 8 to 32."

After hearing the run down from the medics the doctor ordered a battery of tests and a CT scan.

"Whose her next of kin?"

"I didn't get her purse. The DC police should be here soon. She didn't have any med tags on her."

"Well if she needs surgery we'll just go with implied consent and do what ever is necessary." He said as he looked down at the comatose form of Sarah Mackenzie.

2230 EST
Dullis Airport

"I am so sorry about tonight. But I'll make it up to you later when you come to stay the weekend with me in LA."

"I am sure you will and don't worry about anything. There is always another function to show you off."

A few minutes later and Renee was gone and Harm sighed in relief. It would make breaking up with her easier if they were apart. Deep down he knew that it was cruel and sucked but it left his way clear to finally set straight what he screwed up in Austriala.

2300 EST
The Beltway

His cell phone ringing caught him off guard as he was lost in though.

"Rabb."

"Commander Harmon Rabb?"

"Yes, you got him, what can I do for you?"

"This is doctor Craig Bowers with Bethesda ER, You are on the family list for a Sarah Mackenzie. Do you know her?"

"MY god. Whats wrong with Mac?"

"There is no easy way to tell you and as soon as you get here I will fill you in. the most I can say over the phone is that she was in a car accident tonight and she is being checked out."

"How bad?"

"Just get here Mr. Rabb."

At the Hospital

Harm sat staring at the walls, the same walls that he had been staring at since midnight, after the umpteenth look at his watch it only told him that it was 6 minutes closer to 4 am than the last time he looked.

He had arrived in time to see Mac briefly before they took her to surgery to release the pressure from her head injury and to set her arm. The doctor assured him that after a few weeks of rehab that the rods and pins could be removed. What mattered most was how serious the injury to her brain. The swelling had been slight but enough to warrant a drainage tube and a pressure monitor. The doctor had also discussed what should happen in the long run should there be any complications.

Mac had listed him as he guardian incases of emergency and that he alone had the right to make any decisions while she was incapacitated. The doctor had probably thought that he had lost it when had asked "Me?" Little did the doctor know how far they had gone from the friends who made out those orders after the incident with Hodges to the acquaintances they were today?

"Commander Rabb?" A lady in scrubs asked him.

Jumping up, "Yes, how is she?"

"She came through fine, the pressure is already going down and the arm was easily repaired after we put the parts back together. If you follow me, I let you see her briefly and then you need to get some sleep. We don't need another patient here that bad. Besides she is going to be unconscious for the rest of the day. We had sedated her so that she can rest and heal. Tomorrow we will reevaluate and see where we go from there."

"Is she going to be okay?"

"I cant tell you that. I wish I could but I cant. The brain is a very tricky organ. What might be easily seen now may go away and some things may pop up out if the blue in a day or two. We just don't know. It is primarily up to her how she does."

Harm stopped dead in his tracks as he entered the room that Mac had been placed in. All of the IV's and tubing that was connected to her in her pale lifeless state. She had on a c-collar and an oxygen mask.

"As soon as we can clear her spinal films we'll remove the cervical collar. She will also lose some of the IV's after we make sure that she is stable. She is breathing on her own so that is a good sign."

Harm half listened as he sat down beside her and took her left hand in his and squeezed it tight. "You listen here Marine. I need you to become the kick ass jarhead that I know so well and get better. I need you to get better so I can apologize and tell you that I am sorry. I am sorry about the mess I have made with our friendship. So you get better you hear me Mac."

A nurse found him asleep with his head resting on the joined hands 20 minutes later.

0530 EST
Mac ICU Room

AJ stormed down the halls in fear and anger. He was afraid of what he would find out when he entered the ICU and he was mad that Harm had failed to call him as soon as he found out. He stopped short in his tracks as his gaze fell upon the unconscious forms of his 2 best lawyers.

"Commander!"

Harm jumped to attention, as old reflexes kicked in to the tone of a superior officer, and faced AJ. "Sir."

AJ took one look at him knew that he wasn't going to like what Harm was about to tell him. "At ease Commander, how is she?"

"Stable at the moment and holding her own." A voice answered from behind. "Her ICP is holding steady at a low level. The doctor thinks that she might remove the pressure gage later today should she remain stable like this."

"Did the doctor say anything about when she might wake up?" AJ asked.

"They plan to keep her out for a day or two so she wont cause any problems with the head injury and then they plan to reevaluate. Am I right nurse?"

"That is what Dr. Messer has in mind."

"Come on Harm and lets find out what kind of food they have here."

Harm looked to Mac and then followed AJ know that she would kick his six if he didn't take of himself. The Nurse also assured them that she would have them paged if there were any changes.

After 45 minutes of exchanging what they knew about her accident, AJ left to call her uncle and let the others at the office know and told Harm to stay with her as long as needed.

3 days later
Mac's ICU bed

Harm had only left twice in the past 3 days and that was because he been ordered and carried out of the hospital by AJ.

The doctors had removed the ICP monitor and the drainage tube. Mac had begun slowly to come to. The doctors had warned Harm and the others that they had no idea what kind of effects to be looking for. Harm hated the wait and see game but got some enjoyment by tormenting Mic, who was unable to see Mac since he wasn't on her family list. Only AJ, Bud, and Harriet had been in besides Harm.

Harm was sitting there lost in thought when Mac finally opened her eyes, he felt the pressure change on his hand as she tired to change positions in bed. "Hey beautiful, about time you woke up."

She looked to the voice and tried to speak, but nothing came out.

"Just a second Mac, you have been out of it a few days, give your voice a chance to recover. Would you like some water?"

She nodded.

Harm punched the wall call button and sat back down and took her good hand in his, "Are you hurting anywhere besides you arm and head?"

"No." was whispered back along with, "where am I and who are you?"

"You are in the hospital, you had an accident. And what do you mean who am I?"

She blinked a few times and finally got out, "I have no idea who you are or who I am."

"Well I see our patient has finally decided to wake up." The doctor commented as she walked into the room.

"She doesn't remember who I am or who she is."

"Mr. Rabb, why don't you wait outside with your friends that have taken up residence in our waiting room and let me examine my patient."

"I'll be right back Mac." Harm said as he kissed her hand. He didn't want to leave but after several days of getting to know the doctor, he knew it was best.

15 minutes later
ICU Family Room

The group had been surprised when Harm had come out and told them she was awake and being seen by her physician. What he didn't tell them was soon enough revealed as Dr. McCoy came out to give them an update.

"How is she Doc?" Mic asked as he tried to push himself to the front of the group.

"Physically she is going to heal. A quick neuro exam revealed that there is no loss in motor function."

"But?" Harm asked.

"You already know that answer."

"What? What is wrong with my fiancÈ?

The doctor, who like everyone else had had enough of the Aussie, "Mr Brumby. As far as I am concerned you are just another friend of the Colonels. She had a list of people to contact and you were not among them. So please quit causing problems and let me tell those that she felt enough about include them on that list what is going on."

"If he cause anymore problems doctor, I will take care of him." AJ spoke with his meaning clear to Mic. After Mic glared at them all he finally stepped back to sulk. "Please continue."

"She has amnesia. Mainly just memories of people and history, the part of her brain where skills and general knowledge don't seem to be affected. As for how long this will last, I cant give you an answer. I know that you are getting tired of that reply, but it is the only thing I can say at this time. Along with what memories may return if any."

"So what do we do now?"

"You be there for her, don't force things to come back and just be the friends that you are. I hope to let her be released in a few days. Since she left you in charge of her well being Mr. Rabb. She will be going home with you and be under your care till she regains her memory or she is able to take care of herself with out any aide and resumes a normal life." She ended looking right at Mic. "the bad part of this is that most of her trauma to her head is where memory is stored. Therefore, the chances of her ever getting her memory back are 50 / 50. So that means Mr. Brumby, do not antagonize her to remember you. In fact, it would be best if the number of people she is around is kept to 2 or 3 for a few weeks. Give her time to accept what she has been handed."

"Thank you Doctor."

After the doctor had left along with a very steamed Australian, Harm and the Admiral stood alone by the windows.

"I am giving you sometime off to take care of her Harm. Take as much as you need, I'll just send paperwork and other backlog case logs to help keep the office from backing up. When she is well enough to stay on her own during the day we will reevaluate then."

"Thank you sir. Mac will appreciate this too."

"Just get her well."

A few hours later in Mac's ICU room

Harm once again took a vigil over her bed while she slept.

"Hello again." He said when he realized hat she was staring at him.

"I'm sorry I scared you earlier. The doctor said you had been here minus a few hours for sleep since I came in on Friday."

"You would have done the same."

"You can say that, I have no idea if I would have or not." She replied back with a wince as she tried to move in the bed.

"Here, let me help you Mac."

After a minute of rearranging,"Thanks."

"Did the doctor let you know that you will be staying with me or me with you while you recover?"

"He did mention something like that. I am sorry but what is your name again?"

"Harmon Rabb, I am a commander in the Navy. Everyone calls me Harm or Rabb."

"What did I call you?"

"Besides a few choice names, Harm."

"He said my name is Sarah Mackenzie."

"Yes, Colonel Sarah Mackenzie, one of the toughest jarheads I know."

"But you call me Mac? Why?"

"The first day we met you said after our CO introduced us was just call me Mac and I have for the most part ever since."

"How long have we been friends?"

"We have been friends and partners at work for 5 years now. We both work at JAG as lawyers."

"I'm a lawyer?"

"A very good one, almost as good as me." He said as he flashed her a grin.

"I don't know you well enough to base that statement on anything other than ego like you smile. Bet it gets you what you want most of the time."

Harm smiled within. At least the Sarah he knew was still buried deep inside. "Except for gung ho marines."

A week later the doctors finally released Mac to Harm. He decided on staying over at her place since it had two bed rooms and he could move himself and what he needed easier than moving her to his place.

He had watched her in the car as she took in the sights of DC. It was like watching a child see the world for the first time. He had occasionally given the name of a building or place as they had driven along with out getting much of a response from her.

"We're here." He told as he pulled into her parking space.

"So this is where I live huh. I must do very good work to live in a place like this. It just doesn't seem like the place I would have picked."

"Your place is in a better part of town than mine. I live up the road in the Union Station district. What makes you think that you wouldn't live in a place like this?"

"I cant explain it, just a feeling that my life was never this rosy."

"Well you have never been one do to things easy Marine."

"So I am a difficult person then," she said, as she looked to the ground, vulnerable as ever since Harm had known her. "I have heard several of you say the same thing, that I like things the hard way and that I am a fighter. I am surprised that anyone likes me then."

"That's not what we mean at all, I'm sorry if we gave you that impression. You like to fight your own battles and you usually like to do them alone. Though we help you from the sidelines. You are your own unique person Mac. That is why we all love and care for you."

She turned away from him hoping that he wouldn't see her start to cry.

"Mac?"

"I'm sorry, it is just that I feel over whelmed by how much you care for me, it is like I said I don't feel like I deserve it."

"Come and lets get settled before Bud brings over Jingo."

"That would be my dog right?"

Ten minutes later Mac had scoped out her place and couldn't find anything that she remembered. It was little strange to see pictures of her on the bookcases and above the mantle. She was happy that most of them included the handsome man that was now her protector and caregiver. She had also gotten a rush when he told her that they loved her, she hoped that his was more than just a friends like love. She had already fallen in love with him during the past week but deep inside her was a warning that he would hurt her.

A knock at the door brought her back into the living room.

"Hey Bud, and hello there Jingo." Harm said as Jingo ran to Mac. She was caught off guard for a moment and then kneeled down to pet the animal being careful of her right arm.

"Uh, I would love to stay sir but we have plans with Harriet's parents tonight so I need to rush back home."

"No problem, have fun with the inlaws."

"Ya right."

"Thanks Bud. I don't know how to repay you for keeping my dog."

"We'll bring AJ over some night and you can keep him."

"Sounds like a plan." Harm said as he patted Bud on the back as he closed the door.

Harm caught a confused expression of Mac's face. "What's wrong?"

"Isn't AJ the Admiral?"

Harm started laughing, "Big AJ is the Admiral, little AJ is our God son, Harriet and Buds 13 month old. They named him after the admiral before the knew what AJ stood for."

"And?"

"Albert Jethro."

Mac started to laugh too.

A week later
0200 EST

Harm came running into Mac's bedroom as she was screaming in her sleep again.

"Mac, Mac! Wake up its Harm, your safe and sound."

"I promise to be good. Stop please stop. No don't hit her anymore please don't hit her, I wont be bad anymore. "

"Mac wake up. Please honey its okay. No one is going to hurt you anymore."

Mac finally awoke and clutched onto Harm with a death grip and started crying. "Why Harm?"

"I don't know Mac. I don't know why."

He let her cry it out as she fell back asleep in his arms. He let out a sigh and laid down beside her holding her close. It was the only way she was able to sleep all night with out the dream. He knew that subconsciously that they were from her childhood and that gave him hope for her someday remembering everything. It was just that the waiting was slowing killing them both. Mac withdrew a little each day as she focused in on the dreams and the emotions that they seemed to draw out of her. She no longer was sure of anything and was frightened by everything.

The worst episode had been the day before when Mic had come over in vain attempt to get her to remember him.

The day before

Harm answered the door quickly because Mac was taking a nap on the couch and he didn't want her to be disturbed. The nightmares had kept them up again. In surprise, "Mic? What are you doing here?"

"I came by to see my girlfriend."

"She is asleep right now. Just let her be till she is well."

"I just want to check up on her and talk for a few minutes."

"I said she is asleep right now Mic. She hasn't been sleeping well and until we see the doctor next week I really think that you shouldn't see her."

Mac woke up to the two men who were now arguing. She could tell that Harm was doing his best not to lose his temper but the other man was getting louder and louder as Harm tried to convince him to leave.

"Get out of my way Rabb."

"Mic back off. I don't want this to get nasty but you are slowly pushing it." Harm spoke in an even tone that covered how angry he was really getting.

Mic chose at that moment to shove Harm out of the way, it wasn't till he entered the apartment heard Mac scream and found her cowering behind a chair that he realized the mistake he had made. "Its okay Sarah. Its just me Mic."

She stayed put till Harm came over and put his arms around her and moved her back to the couch. "Mac, this is Mic Brumby. He and you were close at the time of your accident. You have been friends for a couple of years." Harm said hating every word. You are close, ugh.

"He's a friend of ours?"

Harm looked to Mic and then, "Yes Mac. He is a friend of ours."

Mic took the hint, "Ya, Sarah we have been friends for a couple of years. We met when I served at JAG."

"I don't remember you. Sorry. I don't seem to remember anyone anymore." She said as she started crying and placing her head on Harms chest.

Mic's eyes let daggers burn into Harm as he watched the woman he loved take comfort with another man, and since it was Harm it burned even hotter. "Don't worry Sarah. When you remember we'll set everything straight then. I am sorry to have upset you. Maybe in a week or two you'll have lunch with me and we'll just talk."

"Okay." Came the weak response.

"Let me see him out Mac. I'll be right back and then we'll fix dinner."

She let him go and he walked Mic out the door into the hallway.

"Listen here Mate. You mess with her head and pit her against me, a broken jaw will be just part of the plan and it will be you that feels all of the pain."

"Just back off Mic and give her time to heal. That's all any of us wants. If she remembers and she wants you then I'll dance at your wedding but if she doesn't remember, you cant force a woman to love you. She may not be the Marine we knew right now but she is still the same woman deep down who is in terror right now because the world doesn't make sense right now. So let's concentrate on getting Mac back before you and I duel it out over her and whom she wants. Deal?"

Mic looked at Harms offered hand with some trepidation. Deep down he knew that Harm was right but his ego hated to admit it. "Fine, "shaking on it, "I'll give it some time but don't think that I won't be in touch and keeping an eye on you."

"Thanks Mic. Just give her some time. I need to get back in there. See you later."

Harm reentered the apartment and after some coaxing had finally gotten Mac to eat and then back to sleep after they had had a long conversation over why Mic was coming over.

Mac had been quiet ever since his revelation to her about their relationship.

Back present

Harm woke up and found himself alone in the bed. "Mac?"

"Right here."

"What time is it?"

"0524 EST"

"I didn't hear you get up?"

"I was quite this time. I know that you have been up with me every night since I came home."

"Well I just wanted to make sure you were getting your rest. Want to talk about it?"

"Yes and no. I want to understand the dream but I fear what I might find out."

"No matter what Mac, I will be here by your side to help you though just as I have in the past."

"Out of everyone that has come over to visit, I believe you more than anyone else. I feel in my heart that I can trust you but,"

"But what?"

"But that you may hurt me."

"Lets start with the dreams and work our way to us, okay?"

She caught the pain in his voice. She knew that what her heart was telling was true though she didn't understand it. She smiled and decided that it was best to get the dreams out of the way first. "I dream about a woman, a pretty woman getting hit by a man. I can't make out their faces but I know that I am there with them. I know that they both hurt me too. Who are they Harm?"

"Your parents."

"What!"

"Your father was an abusive alcoholic, he used to beat you and your mother until she just up and left you with him."

"She left me with a monster."

"I am so sorry Mac, I wish that I could go back and take away the pain from that time. You didn't tell me much, but from what I gathered your father beat you a lot. You slowly became an alcoholic yourself to lose yourself from the pain that he cause along with that of your mother up and leaving you."

He watched her as the tears started to trickle down her face.

"I wonder if I really want to recall my life before, I know that I wasn't happy. Don't ask me how I know, I just do. I don't like the person I was before, she was so distant, and I seemed to have been drawn to men like my father."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Mic, I don't even know him except by his busting in the other day and I fear him like I do the man in my dreams. I just can't see myself accepting a friendship/semi engagement ring from him." She with some distaste. She really couldn't believe that she would date anyone but Harm and hadn't gone into any more detail since the night Mic had barged in.

"You did because of me."

"Because of you? I don't see how I would accept a ring from anyone else than you." She said aloud before she had time to think. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that but since I did. I might as well admit that I have fallen in love with you Harm and I don't even know you."

Harm couldn't believe what she had just said to him. It floored him and he got up out of the bed and left the room, knowing that he was hurting her. Hurt her again he rethought. He needed space. Space so that he could get his feelings under wraps. He had had the world come down around him since that phone call the night informing him about her accident. He had sat there in the hallway of the hospital going over what an idiot he had been because he was afraid to love. Afraid to bury another woman he loved more than life. He couldn't let go of the walls that he had constructed to protect himself. And now? Now the woman he wanted couldn't remember a thing but knew that she had fallen in love with him.

Fallen in love with him and being the man he was he knew that he could never take advantage of the situation. His ethics kept him from what his heart wanted. To love the woman in that bedroom, to make love to her and claim her as his forever, to take away the pain of her past and start anew.

"Harm? I'm sorry. I never should have said that. I just hoped that you felt the same and I see now that you don't."

He stood there mulling the last thing he thought of, to take away her past and start anew. Well wasn't that what she was doing? Without a memory she was like a new person. She had no idea the hurt he had caused her down under or the way she had hurt him by not giving him time and accepting Mic's ring.

He finally turned to her and gave in to his heart, "Mac, I do love you. But as much as I want to claim you as mine, you have to understand that there is a lot of water that has passed under the proverbial bridge."

"You love me?" She couldn't believe it after he had explained Mic and her relationship the other night.

"Yes, I love you. I didn't realize how much till I sat in that waiting room wondering if I was ever going to see you again. All I knew is that I had let you slip away and that I had done nothing to stop it."

She walked over to the couch and curled up, resting her arm on a pillow. "So tell me Harm, what did you do to me that cause this riff between us that I don't have a clue about?"

Taking a seat across from her on the coffee table, "we were on a case in Australia and after a dinner date we had we took a ferry out into the bay."

"How romantic."

"Well it was till you asked me about my feelings."

"And what did you say?"

"That I wasn't ready to let go."

"Let go of what?"

"Let go of my fears and doubts."

"About what? What did you fear?"

"Losing you. Losing our friendship."

"Well it seems that you did just that. I mean you told me that I accepted Mic's ring while we were down under. What else did I challenge you on?"

"You asked me if location changed who we are?"

"I take it you didn't give me the correct answer?"

"No, and the next evening you went out with Mic and he said all of the right things. When you showed up at the airport to leave you were wearing his ring. On your right hand."

"So I didn't say yes?"

"But you didn't say no either. I kind always hoped that you were waiting for me to speak up but when we got back. That ring got in the way and we were letting it destroy our friendship. Looking back now I realize what an idiot I was that night by not speaking up."

"So what is he doing here now in DC?"

"Trying to get you to move that ring over. He showed up the night of your accident and surprised us all. You and I had probably had the best week since the you accepted the ring and he showed up."

"Had we seen each other in the mean time?"

"Yes, you took a trip down there after an incident at work that we can go over some other time."

Mac got up and wandered over to the window to peer out again. "I guess no its not location that is the problem, its me and my memory. I know just enough about you that your pride and ethics wont come between Mic and I till I figure out who I am and what I really want. Damn it. Life isn't fair."

Local Wrecking Yard
2 weeks later

Against Harms better judgment, he had finally agreed to take Mac to see what was left of her Corvette. She didn't flinch as she saw the twisted remains along with the dried blood. Harm watched with interest as the Mac he knew had slowly started coming to the surface after their talk. It was like she had finally gotten the answer she had been looking for since Australia and found peace. They had had several interviews with a psychologist who was helping her put what she remembered of her dreams to rest too along with the blanks that Harm had filled in. What Harm didn't know about was the bits and pieces of her life that she had started to remember and how those were affecting her too.

It was on their way to the hospital for a rehab session with her arm that she had wanted to see what her car looked like. Harm had seen the police photos and deemed that he had seen enough but he didn't dare let her out his sight. She was supposed to have lunch with Mic later and talk with him. They had conversed a couple of times on the phone but after her last reaction to him at her place he been on his best behavior and stayed away.

Harm knew that the day of her finally being well enough to stay on her own was coming up as she was due to get the cast off soon. The thought of not being near her to comfort her with her dreams and hold her in his arms was killing him. But what right did he have to a woman that had no idea who she was except for the stories told by others? None, even if she had declared her love for him.

"Hey! Harm? Can you reach in and see what that thing is down there that is picking up the light?"

Harm came over and saw what the object was that was pinned under the dash. After some skillful maneuvering he was able to retrieve the ring and he handed it to Mac.

She stared at it for a few minutes and then placed it in her pocket. She then turned her gaze to him. "What?"

"Nothing." He said as he started walking off.

"You were afraid that I was going to put it back on weren't you?"

"Mac," big sigh, " I am just a friend right now to you, a friend you love. Seeing that ring again just reminded me of something that I would rather forget."

"From what I gather it is your fault that I even accepted the thing in the first place."

"Nice, throw that in my face will you. Makes me feel even better that I rejected you when I should have taken you in my arms and loved you forever."

"Is it just old Mac that you love?"

"What do you mean?"

"Couldn't you love me, the person I am now?"

"Yes I could, but that wouldn't be fair to either of us because a lot of what I feel is for the old Mac."

"Did you still love some of Diane when you were loving the old Mac?"

"How could you even ask that?" He turned angrily and then stunned. "Who told you about her?"

"I found out about her that night that you were about to go after....." She stopped realizing that she was starting to remember. "Oh my God," running into his arms, "Harm I remember that night, you kissed me, or rather you kissed me thinking that I was her." She then took a step back.

"You always said I was kissing her, I never stopped you from believing that. It may have started out like that but when I finally stepped back, it was you that I wanted. I had let her go."

"Then why the big scene of eternity and all that crap on the ferry?"

"Just what are you remembering here? A few things or all of it?"

"Right now just bits and pieces, I can't put it all together. Its like a twisted picture with scenes coming and going. Some of it started when I saw the car and the ring. The other stuff has come at moments when I watch you do something or the way we banter. It's like the key to a gate of stuff I don't want to remember."

"Why don't you want to remember?"

"I don't like Mac. She just isn't what I want to be."

"Excuse me?" He asked as she started to walk off, okay different tact now. "What does the car represent?" He asked as he had heard her doctors ask.

"The pain I was feeling that night, I don't know why or what kind of pain but I know that I was hurting when the accident happened." She held up her hand as he was about to fill in the missing parts of that night. "I would rather you not tell me anything else about my past. If it doesn't come to me now on my own, it is best forgotten."

He stood there as she became lost in herself and then she turned and headed for his car, leaving him to stare at the vette one last time. Knowing that his time with Mac was about to come to an end.

1300 EST
Local Mall

Mac walked hesitantly into the restaurant and quickly found Mic sitting at the bar. He hadn't seen her yet and so she stood and stared. She had gotten all of her information about the man from Harm and Harriet. Harriet, she laughed to herself, was a great friend and had to be the number one gossip collector of JAG.

Back to Mic her mind went as she recalled the first night that she could remember meeting him and could only recall the anger in his voice and the hatred for Harm in his eyes. After hearing why she couldn't really blame the man for being upset but it was the fact the he acted on the feelings instead of trying to turn them around that frightened her that night. Of course his voice just reinforced all of fighting and beating that went on in her dreams. Every phone conversation with him since had ended with a chilled feeling inside for her. It wasn't right, it didn't feel right and somewhere deep down she knew that she was angry with the man. Why? Kept coming to the surface without and answer.

Suck it up and get this over with, she thought and headed over to meet with him.

"Mac! My dear, I was wondering what was keeping you?" he said as he started to get up and kiss her and watched as she every so slightly backed up. He stopped in his tracks and sat back down in the booth with her seated across from him.

"Relax Mic, it wasn't Harm." She answered as she read his tone.

Sighing, "I'm sorry Sarah. It's just frustrating to know that the woman you love is being taken care of by another man. And just because you listed him as next of kin."

Keeping her voice even, "Mic as I have tried to tell you before on the phone, I don't remember doing that. I have no idea of who I am or why I did what I did back then when I was the Sarah Mackenzie you knew. So if you are going to keep rehashing things that I can't explain or even understand then I am leaving." At the end of spiel she was shaking. Inside she couldn't believe that she had said that and as strongly as she had.

Mic looked away from her and shook his head. It was a minute or two before a resigned man looked back at her and began useless dialog. She looked into his eyes and could see that he had finally given up a battle to win her over.

1430 EST

The lunch went well after the shaky start and by the end they were laughing at some joke. After paying the bill he escorted her outside.

"I'm parked over there Sarah."

"I appreciate the offer but I think that I am going to walk home. Some time by myself to collect my thoughts."

"Do you really think that that's wise?"

"Yes, I'll be fine Mic. I am a big girl. And thanks again for lunch. I really needed that. I hope that we can still be friends?"

"No, we can't. It is to hard for me to see you and not have you remember what we had and could have had. I still love you Sarah and its going to take a long time to get over you."

"I wish that I could say more than I'm sorry but I cant. Oh, I found this under the dash in my car." She said pulling the ring out of her pocket. "Harm took me by there today and I saw it sparkling in the sun. I just wanted to return it."

"Keep it as a reminder of me."

"I couldn't Mic. It needs to go the woman who loves you like you love me. I don't need it to remember you. What I know of you." She said trying to be funny.

Mic let out a shout laugh and took the ring from her. "I'll be in DC for a few more weeks and then I am going home. You know how to reach me if you need me. And make sure you tell Rabb that if he ever hurts you that I'll will return to hurt him."

"I'll tell him Mic."

He gave her a peck on the cheek that took all of her resolve not to flinch from him and then he walked away. She stood there as he drove off and lost him in traffic.

For the first time she woke up she felt that she had done the right thing and headed down the sidewalk towards her apartment and the man that was waiting for her.

1900 EST
Mac's Place

Walking up her street and Mac found her apartment and noticed that the lights were off. ë Oh great, I don't have a key with me and he took off most likely to find me. Not much I can do about that now.' She muttered to herself.

What she didn't notice was the man and dog behind her that was slowly catching up.

Mic had called Harm to let him know that Mac had decided to walk back from the mall on her own and Harm decided to respect her wishes. He didn't want her out there by herself so he had grabbed Jingo's leach and gone in search of her. After finding her he had left the car and with Jingo at his side followed her from a distance. Harriet and Bud had picked up his car and returned it to her place.

He thought over the last two weeks after she had declared her feelings. They had gotten into an easy banter without the baggage that they both brought from their respective pasts. She had made him promise to not bring anything old into the apartment as she tried to remember on her own.

It had been nice and relaxing to just chat about things like his interests besides the Navy and listen to her grumble as he made her get out and exercise by walking. He had enjoyed their silent morning walks in the park. He had watched her face as she looked around the places they had walked past. Each time they came to the spot he had been ran over she looked like she was deep in thought, trying to figure out why she hated that spot. She hadn't asked and he hadn't told her.

"Come on Jingo, I think that it is safe to approach her now."

The dog woofed back and they stepped up their pace. They caught up with her, as she was just about to sit on the front stoop.

"About time Marine. We were about to send out a team for you."

"Really. I am surprised that you did come after me right away since I haven't called or anything."

"Mic called me and let me know what you had planned. I just hoped that you were doing the right thing."

Mac was scratching Jingo's ears when she clued into the fact that the dog had been out for more that a bathroom break. She smiled; he cares for me more than he knows. She decided to leave that now figured out fact alone and just revel in the knowledge that he would come after her no matter what.

"Sailor, I'm hungry, what's for dinner?"

"How about Chinese food?"

"Sounds good, just tell them to tone down the chicken this time, the last time gave me heartburn all night," and she caught herself. "You and I haven't ordered Chinese take out since the Furman case."

"It would figure the only events that you would remember would be connected to the food that you ate at the time." He said teasingly.

"If that was true then we have eaten enough pizza for me to remember you 3 times over."

"Funny Mac, real funny.

An hour later

"Harm? The doctor gave me an okay to go back to light duty at JAG. I don't want to make any mistakes with military protocol so I hope you will review them with me. I don't think that I will make that many since I have reread all of my OCS texts. But I don't want the office making excepts for me."

"Why didn't you tell me this afternoon?"

"Because I was nervous enough about meeting Mic and I needed to concentrate on one thing at a time. So now I am concentrating on work. I need to get back there before my desk becomes a disaster area."

"To late for that. It is a small wonder that this apartment is ever clean the way you keep you desk."

"Gee thanks. Another thing I cant believe I do."

"What did you think?"

"That I was this neat squared away hard core marine."

"You are a neat squared away hard core marine, it's just that you have a messy desk."

She threw a pillow at him, to which he ducked from and returned fire hitting her in the face.

The fight went on till he got close enough to start tickling her and that lead to the kiss.

2030 EST
Mac's Apartment

Harm jerked back as he realized what he had done. "I am so sorry Sarah. I didn't mean to force anything."

She lifted her hand a grazed his cheek. "Don't you think that I would have stopped you if I didn't want it to happen. Harm I know that you and I haven't mentioned anything about feelings since that night but you should know that I still love you."

"Mac I don't know...."

"Don't say anything, just let your heart do the talking."

"But is that fair to us? I don't want to hurt you again like I did in Sydney."

"Harm I have no idea what went on there except what I have been told and I am not that person any more. I mean I am Sarah Mackenzie because that is what I have been told but I have become my own person since then. The Sarah Mackenzie that you knew no long exists. The memories that I have belong to her not to me. Her life is being incorporated into mine. Who knows maybe someday everything will fall back into place and maybe it wont, but I cant wait for that. I want to live Harm and have a life. Can you respect that?"

"I guess I don't have a choice do I?"

"No you don't."

She watched as he got up and then offered her a hand off the floor. "I'm going to be honest here Sarah, I am confused as to what I am feeling. It is the same confusion I have had since the day we meet and all I could see was Diane. Now I have to deal with the feelings that I had for you and the ones I have for you. Is that making any sense?"

"I can understand that Harm. But are you going to be able to let the old Mac go"

"She's still here, buried somewhere inside you."

"Can you handle it if I never remember anything else or become that whole person again?"

"I think that I can. I can still see enough of the old you in the new. But I want to take us slowly so that we don't end up regretting this."

"What do you mean slowly?"

"I want to take you out on dates, let you get used to being Lt. Colonel Sarah Mackenzie and then when the dust has settled and we still feel the same or more then we will go from there."

"Does that mean I can kiss you anytime I want to?"

Smiling now, "Yes except at the office, the Admiral wouldn't like that."

"I know it is against regs anyway."

"Well lets get you ready for work tomorrow."

"Not before this." As she reached up to kiss again as he placed his arms around her.

6 months later
December 22nd 2000
JAG HQ
0945 EST

She had been clear physically for full duty and still saw the psychologist as memories from her youth still haunted her. She also used those times to help put into place her feelings about Harm and learned how to handle his about her.

And now Mac waited with a baited breath as the admiral read over her transfer request. Over the weeks since returning she hadn't felt like she belonged and with Harm's help and the psychologists she had decided to go with an urge that she had realized was from her childhood she wanted to teach. After much discussion, she had finally found a position open at Annapolis in the legal department and had talked with the head of the department. And now she found herself under the stare of her current CO and wondering how he was going to take this.

"Have you though this over Colonel?"

"Yes sir. I have discussed this and I think that this would be the best course of action for me. I have come to realize that as much as I was a good lawyer that as a child I wanted to be a teacher."

"You still are a great lawyer, the case you just helped Commander Rabb with shows that you still have your skills as an attorney."

"I know sir, but I don't feel like I belong here anymore. I know that everyone has gone out of his or her way to make me feel at home but the Colonel Mackenzie that they want here is gone. I just think that new start with my new life would be best. I hope that maybe when I am ready that I could back."

"Mac, if that sailor under my command has his way you won't be able to. Is that another reason you are leaving?"

She smiled, "it did cross my mind sir."

"Well then, you will be missed and I hope that during the semester breaks that we get to see you."

"I wont be far sir. Thank you."

"Dismissed Colonel."

AJ watched her leave with a mixture of emotions in his heart. He knew that as hard as she had tried that she wouldn't happy here at JAG and that losing her was going to be tough. The positive side was that she and Harm had finally gotten past the obstacles and were becoming quite serious. It was just a shame that she didn't comprehend the balance of the gains and loses in her life because of her lost memories.

Later in the day

Mac waved to Harriet as she and Bud left the office.

"Ready to go Harm?" Mac asked as walked into his office.

"Almost, just give me a minute and let me finish these notes on the Flores file." He had to smile, as he knew she was relieved when the Admiral had granted her change designator.

"Sure, did you decide on where we are going for dinner?"

"My place."

"Your place. Our 6 month anniversary since we decided to date, my approved transfer and we are having dinner at your place." She said with a smile as she thought over the past 6 months and how close they had become.

"Well, we are starting out there and then we will go on from there.

"SO where are we going from there?"

"Pleading the 5th on that one Marine, you will just have to wait."

"You know how much that aggravates me."

"Yes I do and that's why I do it and seeing that I won't get anymore work done with you here. Lets go."

1830 EST
Harm's apt.

After running by her place to get a change of clothes they had headed over to his place with Mac still asking what his plans were.

Harm had kept quite about them and turning over in his mind if he was doing the right thing. He had discussed he feeling and plans with the Admiral and had received his blessing.

"SO far I have gathered that we are not going anywhere fancy since you told me to change into jeans and a t-shirt." She complained to him as the stepped out of the elevator to his place.

"Do ye have little faith?"

"I have gotten to know you pretty well sailor,"

"I still have tricks up my sleeve." He replied back as he turned her around and kissed her walking her backwards into his apartment. When they finally drew back for air is when she noticed the flowers that were everywhere.

"Oh Harm. How pretty."

"I think that this is too." He said as he shut the door revealing an elegant blue dress. "I can't wait to see you in it as I take you for a night out on the town."

She almost knocked him over as she jumped into his arms for a hug. She wiped the tears from her eyes and sighed. "I love you Harm."

"I love you to Sarah."

2230 EST

Mac was smiling from ear to ear as they headed back to Harm's place from the evening that had been perfect. After they had changed, Harm had led her out the door and to a night she knew she wouldn't soon forget. She hoped she thought with a smirk. Dinner, dancing and all the romance that a girl could dreamed of, she just hoped that for once he would lose the chivalrous male part and take their relationship to the next part. Not that she was complaining because he had been a complete gentleman but she wanted more.

"What are you thinking over the Marine? I see the mischievous smile across your face."

"Just thinking about possibilities and the future."

"Oh really? And what thoughts do you have about the future?"

"They would make you blush commander."

Harm's Apartment

Mac leaned on Harm as he opened the door to his apartment. She had had a wonderful evening and knowing what little she did about Harm she knew that the best was yet to come.

"Tired Marine?"

"Just a little. A night of dancing will do that to you, you know."

"So should I take you home then?"

"NO! I think I can hang with whatever you have in mind."

"What makes you think that I have anymore planned besides making sure you take it easy?"

"I may not remember much but I have learned your habits and what you are thinking?"

"So," as he escorted her in the door, "what am I a planning?"

"Nope, I am not going to tell you. I want to see if I am right first."

"Well that is a sure way to make sure you are right. Would you like something to drink?"

"Yes a cup of your hot chocolate would be great."

"With marshmallows," he finished for her as she sat down on the couch and pulled off her shoes.

Harm set the water to boil and came around to join her and caught her expression, "What?"

"You tell me."

"Are we going to go back and forth like this all night?" he asked grinning on the inside. He knew that her curiosity was on overdrive.

"Depends on you sailor."

"Fine then, if you don't want any romance I'll just forget it."

"Ah, no." she said as she leaned over and kissed him. "Better?"

"Yes," grabbing the remote he turned on the CD player and got up to make their drinks. A few minutes later found him back at her side.

She took the cup and was about to take a drink when she saw the ring sitting on top of the mug filled with marshmallows. She started to tear up.

He slid down in front of her and took the ring from the mug and showed it to her. "Sarah, I know that we still have a long road ahead of us and that there is still a lot unsolved with your memory and you once even said yourself that you may never fully recall everything and I don't want to wait anymore for to see if that happens. I love you and I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of our lives making new memories. So will you please let me have the honor of being your husband?"

"Oh, Harm." She said as she started to cry, "Are you sure you can live with that? I know that we have put those feelings aside as we have dated the past few months but can you truly say that it doesn't matter?"

He gave her a knowing look and went on, "A couple of months I ago I put my feelings aside and just looked at you; I just went over and over in my head whether or not it was the new or the old Sarah I was in love with. Well I am in love with both. I admire both and wish everyday that I could take away the pain that both has endured. As I fell more and more in love with the new Sarah I realized that she and the old Sarah were one in the same except that the one I am going to marry, if she says yes, was lucky enough to be born again and get a second chance at a happy life. I will hold a place for lady I met in a rose garden in my heart forever as I do for Diane, but the right now the rest of it belongs to you."

She took the ring and read the inscription, forever together. She then looked into his eyes and knew that he would love her forever and that she would never be alone with him by her side. She felt relief wash over her as she knew that no matter what she remembered down the road that it wouldn't change the look she saw right now. She then took the ring and slid it down her left ring finger.

Letting out a sigh he didn't know he was holding he gently leaned forward and kissed her. A simple kiss turned into a deeper one and took on a life of its own.

Harms Apartment
7 months after her accident
December 2000

He slid down in front of her and took the ring from the mug and showed it to her. "Sarah, I know that we still have a long road ahead of us and that there is still a lot unsolved with your memory and you once even said yourself that you may never fully recall everything and I don't want to wait anymore for to see if that happens. I love you and I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of our lives making new memories. So will you please let me have the honor of being your husband?"

"Oh, Harm." She said as she started to cry, "Are you sure you can live with that? I know that we have put those feelings aside as we have dated the past few months but can you truly say that it doesn't matter?"

He gave her a knowing look and went on, "A couple of months I ago I put my feelings aside and just looked at you; I just went over and over in my head whether or not it was the new or the old Sarah I was in love with. Well I am in love with both. I admire both and wish everyday that I could take away the pain that both has endured. As I fell more and more in love with the new Sarah I realized that she and the old Sarah were one in the same except that the one I am going to marry, if she says yes, was lucky enough to be born again and get a second chance at a happy life. I will hold a place for lady I met in a rose garden in my heart forever as I do for Diane, but the right now the rest of it belongs to you."

She took the ring and read the inscription, forever together. She then looked into his eyes and knew that he would love her forever and that she would never be alone with him by her side. She felt relief wash over her as she knew that no matter what she remembered down the road that it wouldn't change the look she saw right now. She then took the ring and slid it down her left ring finger.

Letting out a sigh he didn't know he was holding he gently leaned forward and kissed her. A simple kiss turned into a deeper one and took on a life of its own.

La Jolla
March 2001

Mac strolled down the beach as she enjoying the chance to get away from classes over spring break at the academy, along with being on her honeymoon.

She and Harm had decided to drive down the west coast and end their week at his mothers before they headed back to JAG and Annapolis. She was just grateful that they had moved into their new home, which was about halfway for both of them prior to getting married. They had found a great fixed upper that she knew Harm would have fun with for some time puttering around the house.

"There you are, I was wondering where you had gone off to?"

"I was just losing myself in the sand and surf. I just hope the next time we are out here that the water temperature is a little warmer so we can play in it."

"Mom is expecting us back for the 4th of July if that is okay with you?"

"Tell Mom that that is fine with me."

"Good."

"I wish that we didn't have to go home just yet."

"I know what you mean." He said with a mischievous gleam in his eyes.

"Uh, Harm, I mean the chance for us to get away from out jobs and just be with each other. What you are thinking is just a bonus."

"I know what you mean Mac. I would love to spend a few more days here too but you have classes to get back to and I have a court case starting Tuesday." He watched as she got a far away look in her eyes. "What?"

She smiled at him as she fought with the self-doubt that popped up every now and then. "I just have these moments Harm where I wonder if I should be so happy. They come from deep inside like the old Sarah is trying to tell me something and she can't reach the surface."

He took her into his arms and hugged her tightly. He knew that deep inside her that the old Sarah as they called her was still buried there inside the new Sarah. The doctors had told them that it was a battle that would pass with time as they finished becoming one. The feelings of course had really been brought forward as the wedding got closer.

"Listen to me and pay attention. I married Sarah Mackenzie, the whole package. The person inside and out, I love her inside and out and plan on making sure that she knows that for the rest of her life. Now then, there is only one Sarah Mackenzie around here and she is here in my arms and she has my permission to be happy and is allowed to be happy no matter what the future holds for us."

Mac let her head rest on his chest and surrendered herself to him and sighed. "Well Flyboy, I guess I have no choice then do I?"

"No, you don't." He said as he thought over how to bring up what his mother had been hounding him over since this morning. " And I don't want to burden you with this either but mom started in on me this morning about when we plan to start a family."

Mac stepped back to look up into his face, "when do you want to start?"

"I leave that up to you Sarah. Whenever you are ready, I'll be there." He said seriously that ended up with a smile and his eyebrows wagging.

"You are terrible, "she swatting him on the arm.

"Don't tell me you that you won't like the practice of creating our baby?"

"I already do and I would like to start soon."

He took her hand and started back to his mothers. "I know you stopped taking the pill."

Looking away from him, "I hope you don't mind. I kinda wanted to surprise you."

"Well I think that a honeymoon baby would be the best wedding gift my wife could give me. Your looks and my brains, he'll be perfect."

It took a moment before somewhere deep inside, a joyous feeling sweep through her, she smiled, "how about your looks and my brains?"

"Then she would be just as perfect."

Harm looked over at her and saw the tears of happiness rolling down her face. Taking his hand he wiped them away along with the rest of her doubts as they headed off to start their new life.

Rabb Residence
2004

Mac walked in the door to rich aromas coming from the kitchen. She noticed that the house was clean and that her toddler could not be heard.

"Harm?"

"In here." Came the voice from the kitchen.

Entering the kitchen to find him dressed in jeans and t-shirt cooking what seemed to be her favorites, a smile came across her face as the date hit her. It was the anniversary of her wreck. A day that they had celebrated every year since as her new birthday, "Where is Tommy?"

"Mom has him for the weekend and we have reservations at the coast for tomorrow night."

"Really and how did you get that by me?"

"I have my ways marine, besides I know you need a break from everything since you cant seem to delegate anything." He said as he lifted a spoon for her to sample a taste.

"Good sailor still needs some salt though."

"You and your salt. Go on and change so we can eat and go out dancing."

"Wow dancing too?"

He just smiled at her and kissed her. He then turned her towards the door and pushed her out of the kitchen with a resounding swat to her butt.

She took one quick look back as she knew a secret that she would get to tell him later that would make this day complete as she patted her stomach.

Mac entered the bedroom to find a large vase of roses and a new bottle of her favorite perfume. She felt the tears well up as she smelled the roses that he had gotten for her. She thought back over the 4 years now since she woke up without her memory and how Harm had been there by her side everyday, and how he made sure that she knew he loved her. Not the just the person she was before but the person she had become since the wreck.

She then glanced over to the picture of them with their son, Thomas Joseph Rabb, 2 and half years old now and growing like a weed. She knew that she was truly blessed to have a second chance at life and knew with a certainness that no matter whether or not she fully recovered her memories besides the ones that popped in every now and then that life she had now she was worth it, that she could let the war within rest.

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