Mac alternated pacing her apartment and curling up on her couch. The feelings that were raging inside her were worse than any tomcat ride she had been on. "Hell I can't even make an analogy without think of something that includes him." She spoke aloud, causing Jingo to look at his master like she'd lost it.
Of course after watching her since she came home crying he thought that she was losing it. He then got up and came over to place his head in her lap.
Mac smiled for the first time that afternoon as she petted the loving dogs head. Especially since all she really wanted to do was go and kick a navy pilots six so bad till she felt better. But she knew that she needed to wait for Mic first. She knew that sooner or later he would come over and confront her on her feelings for Harm.
Just what were her feelings right now besides anger? Well embarrassment topped right up there. How dare they presume what happened on that ferry. He played her off and didn't have a second though or did he? That was the one thought that kept going over and over in her mind, were they right about Harm not being over Diane. Was he asking her for more time and did she tune him out because he didn't give her or tell her what she wanted that night? Did she feel so rejected that she missed what he was really saying that he wanted to be with her?
Mac wanted to scream, let out all of the emotions that about to erupt.
Mac leaned back against the cushions and started to review her feelings for Harm. Whenever she needed someone and Harm had been there for her, a little late when Chris was killed but even then he had stood by her in the aftermath. How many times in the past did one or the other save the other? How many times did he make her so mad that killing him seemed too nice, torture was the preferred method of revenge? How many times has he bowed out in court when he could have won and let the truth be know and lost in front of her?
And even after Sydney, you never let loose of the hope that he would come around and tell you that he wanted you. Come to think of it how many times did he give you hell over accepting the ring, why didn't you push him them for an answer? Because you watched him shut down in front of you every time you tried to push the point. He wouldn't let go you said and you didn't want to wait, wait for eternity.
"Damn you Harm, damn you. Why now when I was almost over you?"
Outside on the steps
Mic leaned against the railing, not wanting to enter but knowing that leaving was out too. A silent battle going on inside.
What could one say after today's lunch fiasco? Mac didn't deny any of it. Hell you didn't even know that they had gone out on the ferry in Sydney till today. No wonder Rabb was a bugger in court those last few days, of course whenever it came to Sarah he was always a bulldog protecting his favorite bone.
Harm would never let go completely but if he thought that was what Sarah wanted he would do it. Out of love for the woman. He would be willing to give up every hope and dream for her. Just like you did but which one is the greater sacrifice? His. Because you were going to slowly goad her into returning to Australia with you and you know it. He would never make her give up anything for him because he would rather die first.
I wonder if she would have ever moved the ring over with out me here? You know she wouldn't have, she was waiting for him, doing what he asked of her even if she didn't know it. The ring was something she took after she was rejected by the one she loves and wants, she never would have moved it over Christmas if you hadn't threatened to leave and go back home. What happened between her and Harm then? He thought back, oh ya, he was threatening to leave the navy and go and search for his brother. Again Harm rebuffed her just like he did when he left to go flying. That's when she started going out with you in the beginning because he was gone and she missed him.
The days surrounding when moved the ring was clear now, he remembered being angry after she went looking for Harm at the wall after Renee called asking for help. Then she came over looking for someone console her and you threw your leaving in her face too, that you were tired of waiting. Sarah knew she wasn't going to be able to control Harm but you she could. With Harm she didn't have anything to bargain with but you, but with you she had the ring.
She never said she loved you that night, in fact she never really has since the beginning, it has always be I do too.
She cares for you mate but not the kind that lasts forever, that is what she has for Harm. The kind of love she has for you if any is that of a friend, the man who was going to save her from being hurt again.
Mic finally climbed the stairs and went inside.
Mac knew he was out there, she'd seen his car when he parked, and she knew he was contemplating what to do next.
She let him in and took his coat. An odd silence hung in the air as they both tried to decide who would speak first and be the one to bring a dream to an end.
Mac couldn't stand it any longer and walked away to sit on the couch, "I'm sorry doesn't cover it Mic, but I am."
"I know luv, and I am too but that doesn't change things does it?" as he came to sit across from her on the coffee table.
Mac looked up to him as she remembered Harm doing the same thing after Dalton's death. She silently cursed at how that man was so in woven into her life and that realization brought out that she would never have been happy as Mrs. Brumby. No matter how hard she tried.
"No Mic, it never will after the pain that I have caused you."
He put his hand up to her face and stopped her by gently placing a finger on her lips. "I know what is coming next Sarah. I have been going over this conversation since you ran from the table."
"Mic I wish that it was different, I was that I could change things but I can't."
"I know, I was just to blind and in love with you to see that you didn't feel the same way. I think I knew from the beginning, hell I even told Harm, Bud and the Admiral that they each were a little in love with you when Harm was hell bent on saving you career after Chris. Harm was so sure that you were innocent and I think back now he would have ended his career to save yours if that's what it took." Mac looked shocked, she'd never heard this before.
He removed his hand and leaned back away from her. Taking a deep breath he went on to give a few more of his own confessionals about Harm, "I should also tell you that I asked him one day if you two were an item. I caught him off guard and could see the ire in him but he went on to say that you were not a woman to him you were a friend."
"When did you ask that?"
"Sometime right after the trial I think, I knew there was more but you two gave the impression that there was nothing so well I bought into the chance I could make you mine someday. I thought I had until today when reality showed up."
"Mic I need to know something, what did you tell Harm about our lunch today? I got mixed signals from him after you left the room and I came into talk with him."
"I told him that we were going to set a date today for our wedding. I wanted to rub into him that I had you and that it was soon going to be finalized too." He chuckled, "I guess underneath it all I was competing against him and the others for your attention."
"Mic," she started as she struggled for the words, "I want you to know that I do care about you but know what we both know now, we both know that it would never have worked out. Someday it would have exploded and we would have ended up hating each other." She said as she slipped the ring off of her left hand and held it out to him.
He swallowed hard and wiped the tear that threatened to fall, "Keep it Mac. I want you too, to remember the good times we did have, the dreams that we had and that I loved you."
"Mic I can't, how can I explain it later on."
"Just till him and any others that it was a learning experience. If I take it Sarah it will just become an object, a reminder of this and I don't think that I want to many of those. The ones I want to cherish are in my head."
Mac watched as he got up and headed to the bedroom, as she watched him leave the room she looked down to the ring in her hand. The sparkle seemed to fade away as she felt the tears rolling down her face. She stood up and walked over to her desk and took out a box where she kept a few keepsakes away from prying eyes and set it carefully in it and closed it. Like the chapter of her life she was closing with Mic, the ring was placed in a special place.
She then gathered herself and followed Mic into her bedroom, she found him gathering stuff left from previous visits and started to help him.
After about 45 minutes of no speaking and packing, Mic was sure he had all of his stuff, he waited as Mac came back from taking Jingo out. She finally left with the dog as the stress of the situation became to tense. He actually relaxed some after she left, it gave him time to finish coming to terms with the end of their relationship. Along with the few unanswered questions he wanted answered. He thought about asking her if she and Rabb ever made it between the sheets but then it was better to never know some things and that was one of them.
"Mic? I'm back."
"Hey there Jingo, have a good walk?" Mic asked the dog when Jingo came over to him. "Hmm? I'm going to miss you boy. You take good care of your master here and try not to let anymore sailors break her heart okay?"
"He will, I'll try to train him. So where are you headed from here?"
"Home first to make some decisions about my future and where it will be. I think that more than likely I will end up heading home as soon as I can clear up the few clients I have. Then I'll shut Brumby and Brumby down and head back to the outback. Re-up my commission and work on the promotions I am behind on." He saw her face as he made the last remark, part of him wishing he could take back the words, the other side, the angry side was starting to win over his emotions and wanted her to face the pain she along with Rabb caused.
Holding her head up high, "I'm sure that they will come quickly Mic, you are a good officer. The RAN is lucky to be getting you back. Sooner than later."
He went to turn but stopped, "I need to let you know that I went by and talked with Renee before coming over here. We talked for a bit and from what I gathered, Harm should be a single unattached guy by now. Renee was at a loss at first but since she has been asking questions about you two from everyone for about a month or so, the decision was made fairly easy. I think that the advice of the Harmon Rabb fan club went to heart, she plans on getting out before she loses herself for good."
"I can understand that Mic."
He saw that she totally understood, she had done the same thing after Sydney only she hadn't gotten over Harm. Harm was still as imbedded deep in her heart, "Take care Sarah."
"I will Mic, you do the same. I hope that you find the love you are looking for. You deserve it. Someday, whenever you want to, if you want to, call me. Let me know that you are okay."
"I'll try but it won't be anytime soon." He kept the fake smile plastered to his face. "I know you would like to stay friends,"
"I know it's asking too much."
The awkwardness was getting worse by the minute as all of the unsaid anger of the situation started to boil to the top. Mic grabbed the box off the table and headed to the door. Mac followed him and opened it for him with sadness in her eyes. The realization that this was really happening hitting full force, "I do love you Mic." She said as she wrapped her arms around him for a final hug good-bye.
"I love you too Sarah. Tell Harm that if I ever hear of him hurting you or letting you down again. It will be the only reason I come back here just to kick his six."
"I will. Good-bye Mic." She finished with as she untangled herself from him.
He nodded, unable to say the words and left.
Mac shut the door behind him. She walked over to the window to watch him walk to his car.
Mic stopped and took one last look and saw her staring out the window. One last flipped salute to her and he got in and drove off.
He was gone, never coming back and as much as it hurt it began to feel good. A giant weight was gone, of course it was replaced by a small one of guilt but she was free of the constant worry of was she doing the right thing.
The clock striking 7pm brought her back to the present and her next course of action. There was a flyboy across town that needed to be honest about his feelings; honest about his intentions now that the air was clear and then when all was said and done, she was going to kill him.
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