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Dixie: [to Jason] Can I get you something to drink? You know, some iced tea, maybe? Jason: What? No wine in the home of the vintner? Hey, that Chardonnay in your new ads looks choice. Tad: We're fresh out. Jason: Chablis, then. Tad: We're out of that, too. Look, I don't want to be rude or anything, but why don't you go away? I'd like to have a word alone with my wife. Jason: Sure. Dixie: What's going on? Charlie: Check you later, man. Come on, Jason. I'll walk you to the door. Jason: Sorry, Dix. Hope everything's ok. Dixie: Yeah, so do I. [to Tad] You certainly know how to clear a room. I take it there's a little problem? Tad: I'd say it's gone far beyond a problem here. I'd say that you and I have got a full-fledged emergency on our hands. Dixie: What's going on? Is it Junior or Jamie? Tad: No, it's not the boys. They're fine. I mean us. We're in trouble. Dixie: I don't understand. What are you talking about? Tad: I'm talking about our marriage. Honey, why didn't you just tell me it wasn't working for you? Dixie: Is this about the swim-meet fight? Tad: No, it's not about the swim meet. It's about you and me. It's about our marriage. It's about other men. Dixie: I don't believe this. You are threatened by my co-ed study group? Tad: Don't do that, ok? Don't be coy. I had no idea that you were so unhappy. Why could 't you just come out and tell me? Dixie: So I can't offer a friend a drink? Is that the bottom line here? I mean, you -- a friend just happens to drop by and you suddenly turn into a caveman? Tad: How long has this been going on? How long have you been so desperately lonely? Dixie: Lonely? Who says I'm lonely? Tad: This! This! This, apparently, tells me more than you have in a year. [Dixie's picture comes up on the Internet] Dixie: How'd you do that? Tad: I didn't do anything! You did. Anything! You did. This is it. This is the disk -- the photo disk that you sent to "beyond clueless," which, for your edification, turns out to be Charlie. Well, I'm so amused. Dixie: Tad! It's a mistake. Tad: I'll say it is. How could you let it go this far? Why didn't you just sit me down and say "Tad, we've got a problem --" Dixie: Tad, it's Cecily. Cecily is "clueless," our newly divorced and manless friend. I took some pictures of her, and I gave her one of my used rolls of film, asked her to develop it, and they must have mixed it up at the photo place. Tad: That means that Charlie -- I love it. Dixie: [getting mad] Now it's funny. Tad: That's great. Dixie: Now it's a big joke, isn't it? Tad: Well, I'm just relieved, honey. I thought that, you know, you were-- Dixie: What? You thought that I was traveling through cyberspace looking for a love connection. Tad: Wait a minute. It's not that illogical, you know. Lately I've been working a lot, you know, and we have the problems with scheduling and school. Dixie: So you just thought I was looking to have a love affair of some kind. Tad: Not until Charlie shoved it under my nose. Dixie: And you thought, "Oh, well, we have to get a divorce lawyer." Tad: Not a lawyer maybe a marriage counselor. Dixie: I'm moved by your faith in me. Tad: Ok, honey -- just a second, all right? What happens if Cecily showed up out of nowhere and informed you that I was "beyond clueless"? Dixie: I'd say she was absolutely right. [Dixie leaves] Tad: Dix? Dix? Honey, I -- The Next Morning
Tad: Out of coffee. Dixie: Too bad. Tad: Did you sleep? Dixie: Are you kidding? With you pacing the floor till the early hours? Tad: I'm sorry about that. I had a hard time falling off. About 4:00 A.M. In the morning, it hit me -- I've got to get my head back to the right place. I'm sorry, honey. Dixie: That's fascinating. I don't forgive you. Tad: Come on, sweetheart. What more can I say other than, "I'm sorry," ok? I made a mistake. I behaved like a fool, an idiot. When I saw your face come up on Charlie's internet, I just kind of lost it. It's not my fault you came strolling in with little Joey biceps. Dixie: Jason! Tad: Whatever -- laughing your heads off like ponies and having a great time. I just got jealous, you know? I went temporarily insane. Dixie: Insanity is no defense. Tad: How about this one? I love you madly. I can't help myself, I love you so much. Dixie: That's a little old. Tad: Come on. It's corny, but it's true. Look, I know we've been misfiring on all our cylinders lately, but nothing important has changed, has it? We're still us. Dixie: Well, I think maybe we look the same. Tad: Yeah, well, Somewhere between Napa and Pine Valley university, we lost sight of the real Tad and Dixie. I don't know how it happened or when, but we got to get those two love-crazed kids back together again. Dixie: Why don't you just get more help? Tad: Because I wouldn't know what to call them. The assistant to the assistant to the assistant vice president? The fact is, honey, it wouldn't do any good. When decision time rolls around, I'm still the answer grape, and nobody's going to want to put their butt on the line when mine's already there. I'm stuck. Look at the bright side -- maybe this year's crop will rot. Either that or our pickers will munch the profits right off the vine. Dixie: I doubt that. Tad: Listen to me. I sound like the old me -- Tad Martin, the man who single-handedly elevated the act of underachieving to an art form. Dixie: Stop. Don't you dare run over the man that I fell in love with. Tad: I can't exactly turn loving my wife into a career, now, can I? Dixie: I don't know. It just might require an awful lot of overtime. Tad: Ooh. Well, then, I'd better get busy and take an ax to the fax. Dixie: You do that, and I'll make sure that my picture gets off the internet, ok? Dixie: There's just one other thing. Tad: No, there isn't. Look, as far as I'm concerned, we are out of it, safe. That's it. Those two little computerized cupids are on their own. Dixie: Tad, that's not fair. Cecily doesn't know that Charlie is beyond clueless. Tad: [British accent] exactly. And therein lies my revenge, my sweet. Imagine old Chuckie's face when he finds the's flying down the information superhighway with none other than our own little Cecily. [Tad and Dixie are making out] Cecily: Dixie! Dixie! Oh, good -- I'm not interrupting. Dixie: No, of course not. Tad: Not at all. One of Dixie's fillings came loose. I was just fixing it. Dixie: Uh-huh. Cecily: Gross. Listen, could we please talk in private? Cecily: Yes? Dixie: Tad, you were just leaving, right? Remember? Tad: Oh! He thing, yeah. I was going to take care of that little thing. Dixie: The meeting. Tad: The meeting -- right. Tad: I'm on my way. Dixie: Right. [Tad leaves]
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