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Tad: How do you spell "Des Moines"? D-a? Dixie: D-something. Oh. Oh, do you feel that country air? It is so wonderful. Tad: Oh, yeah, I certainly do. Smells like cow manure. Dixie: It's dairy country. Tad: Gee, you think? Do me a favor -- roll the window back up. Let's use the air conditioner. Dixie: Tad, no. Oh! Look over there! There's cows! Look at the moo cows! Tad: Moo cows? Dixie: That's what Junior calls them. Those are black and whites. Those are Herefords, I think. Tad: Look like a herd of quarter-pounders to me. Dixie: Stop it. You're awful. Tad: Yeah, but you love me anyway. Dixie: How can I love a macho, meat-eating machine? Tad: I could think of a couple ways offhand, but we haven't got the time. We got to make tracks. Ryan's sentencing is today. Come on, honey, seriously, help me find a way back to the highway. Dixie: Would you just call the judge? Tad: I don't want to call the judge. Dixie: Just pickup the phone and ask for directions. Tad: No, no, no, no. I'm not going to overstep my bounds on this one. You know, it was hard enough getting the old coot to see us in the first place, and there's no guarantee he's going to unseal Ryan's records. Dixie: Know what? I'm going to call. I am going to pick up the phone and I'm going to call. Tad: You call. Maybe you'll have better luck. Dixie: I don't understand this thing with men. They just don't want to ask for directions. It's so annoying. Tad: [to Dixie's backside Dixie: What are you doing? Stop that. Tad: Just taking a moment to enjoy the view. Dixie: Cut it out. What is this, you sexist pig? Tad: Oh. That's for you, sweetie. Die: It's for me? Tad: Yeah, you can't take your heart medication on an empty stomach, so -- Dixie: You're such nice sexist pig. Oh, yummy. Tad: Yummy, I try to think of everything. Dixie: Aw. Tad: Now if I could just think a way to get us back to civilization -- Dixie: Hey, you know what? Tad: What? Dixie: I think I really like being lost with you. Tad: Hmm. I like being lost with you, too. [while they kiss, something hits their car] Next Scene Tad: What the hell was that? Dixie: I think something hit us, are you ok? Tad: Yeah, I'm fine. Did you get the license plate? Dixie: No, but I think it has horns. Tad: What horns? I didn't hear anything -- oh, my god. That's the biggest cow I've ever seen. Dixie: It's not a cow, Tad, it's a bull. Tad: How can you tell? Die: I've seen one naked once. [their car starts to shake] Tad: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa! All right, Ellie May, you know so damn much about farm animals, what is this thing doing? Dixie: What does it look like he's doing? Tad: Like he's trying to mate with our rental car. Dixie: Maybe he likes the color. Tad: That's disgusting. Dixie: Oh, stop! Tad: I'm not insured for this. Come on, get off! Dixie: Don't honk, don't honk! You'll make him mad. Tad: How can you tell the difference? [Bull moos] Dixie: Next question? Tad: Right. Dixie: Oh, I have an idea. Tad: What are you doing? Dixie: [singing] Tad: Honey, don't be ridiculous. Get in here, get in here. Roll up the window. Come here. That's dangerous. What if he bites you? Dixie: Oh no, it's good music . It soothes the savage beast. Tad: "Savage," honey, "savage." Underline savage, as in "not friendly." Dixie: Not all bulls are unfriendly, ok? Remember Ferdinand the bull? He was a very nice bull -- Tad: Ferdinand? Dixie: He was friendly, he liked roses. Tad: Ferdinand was a cartoon. Dixie: He was not a cartoon. Tad: Gives me an idea. Give me this. Dixie: What are you doing Tad: Maybe the way to a bull's heart is through his stomach. Dixie: What are you going to feed him? Tad: What does a thousand-pound bull eat, anyway? Dixie: I don't know. Anything he wants to. Tad: Anything he wants, right. Let's hope he's got a taste for roast beef and sourdough. Dixie: Please don't go outside. Please come back here, Tad. Please? Tad. Oh, Tad! Next scene Tad: You're right. He's definitely not vicious. Dixie: What happened? Tad: Slimed me. Dixie: He what? Tad: Slimed me. Backed me up against a tree and put his big, hairy, disgusting bovine lips all over me. Tad: With a mile-long tongue. That bull is a pervert. Dixie: Tad -- Tad: You haven't heard the worst of it. It's not funny. Dixie: I'm sorry. Tad: It's not funny. What if he had mad cow disease? Dixie: I'm -- I' sorry. Tad: We're engaged. What are you laughing at? This is not funny. Look, he even slimed my watch. Look at that. Dixie: Oh, let me see. Takes a licking but keeps on ticking! Tad: Don't hurt yourself, ok? Ryan Lavery owes me a new watch. Dixie: Now, I've known you to sling the bull, but French-kissing? I mean, come on, you hardly know each other. Tad: Finished yet? Well, now you know why I hate the country so much. Dixie: Aw, come on. [Southern accent] You don't hate little, innocent country girls, now, do you? Tad: No, Trixie, I don't. [Leans in to kiss but Dixie pulls away a little] Dixie: [Normal voice] ooh. Oh. Oh. Tad: All right, fine, forget it. Dixie: No. Tad: No, it's fine. Please, I'd love to stick around and show our horny friend what comes naturally to humans. Dixie: Oh, no! Ferdy's gone! He's gone! Tad: Good. Dixie: My heart is broken. Maybe he got jealous, he was jealous. Tad: Oh, hardy-har-har. What fun it is to laugh. Now, if you're quite done, we've got a judge to see. Dixie: Oh, yeah. Oh. You know, I know Ryan had a tough life as a kid, but I -- ending up at family court must've been really bad here. Tad: Well, we'll know the whole sordid story soon enough. [Engine cranks] Tad: [on the phone] Hello, judge Harper? This is Tad Martin, and I -- I apologize, sir. I know, I'm sorry, we're late, we're holding up your golf game, but we had a bit of an accident. You see, we were sort of attacked by a bull. Well, actually, no, no, we weren't attacked. Our car was attacked -- and it wasn't really an attack. It was more like he liked it a lot. No, I mean, he liked it a real lot. Yeah, the car's red. Why? Well about -- my guess is about a half a mile south of the service route. You're kidding. Well, sir, excuse me for just a second. [to Dixie] Guess who owns the bull. [on the phone again] Well, uh, the truth is, sir, no, luckily, thankfully, neither one of us are hurt. We're just very, very badly shaken up. Yeah. And I'm fairly sure the car is going to need a new paint job. Well -- certainly. I'm sure we could come to some understanding. Really? Fine. Good. Yeah, about a half a mile south. Well, thank -- thank you, sir. Good-bye. [to Dixie] Did I ever tell you why I love the country so much? Dixie: What? What is it? Why are you sitting there looking so smug? Tad: In the first place, he apologized, and it turns out that, yes, in fact, our friend the bull does like red cars -- to the tune of $40,000 in damages so far this year. Dixie: Holy smokes. Tad: So the judge is sending out his bailiff to pick us up. Now guess why I'm smiling. Dixie: Because he agreed to break open Ryan's records if we don't press charges? Tad: You can take the girl out of the country -- [they kiss] Dixie: You can lead me around by the nose any day. [They kiss]
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