Sunday - May 18, 2008

What a WONDERFUL day! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, waves are crashing, the sky is a beautiful azure - not a cloud in sight. All that's missing is a heavy musical score in the background.

Yesterday we remembered that it was Brian's birthday. I felt horrible for not remembering right away, but I think he has managed to brainwash the date out of my and Cynth's heads. But we DID remember and there was just no question about it - we HAD to have a party. I distracted Bri easily enough while the others set up and when we came back it was to a surprise party. Brian took it well I think. Didn't do any permanent bodily harm to anyone so I would say it was, more or less, a huge success. He must be getting soft in his old age.

Wow. Weird to think...Brian is now thirty-eight! In a few more years he'll be the big four-zero! Yikes! Still, he's as beautiful now as he was at twenty nine and, though my opinion might be slightly biased, it's still damn valid. Because Brian Kinney will never grow old. He is Peter Pan. Guess that makes me his Lost Boy.

Hmmm nap time.

***

Sunday - June 1, 2008

Things have been relatively quiet around here since Brian's birthday. No real excitement, I guess. Weirdness - yes. Excitement - no. It's like some cruel cosmic joke, my life. I swear I'm living in some sort of sitcom sometimes.

So let me explain. On the night of Brian's 38th birthday, as soon as we got to our room, we were all over each other. He had promised earlier in the day to let me top him and he seemed content to let me take lead. And take lead I did. I had him splayed out before me like a fucking banquet and it was a beautiful sight, I must say. He was spread eagle on the mat and I rimmed his gorgeous tight golden ass until he screamed and begged me to fuck him. And the feeling...OH FUCK - the feeling of taking him raw! Dammit! It's the stuff wet dreams are made of. So hot. And TIGHT! Vice-like even...

But to the story... The next day was Sunday and Brian was up and off on his own little excursion well before I was even able to crack my eyes open. (I just hope nothing ever happens to him while he is off only he knows where. Because it would be damn-near impossible to find him in this jungle.) It was around dusk when he came back and I swear he couldn't take his eyes off of me. From the moment he came into view, it felt like he was struggling with something. Something in his expression. So guarded and at the same time he looked as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Yet, for all the time he had spent alone that day, his disposition suggested that he could have used a few more hours of quiet time. He was short and surly with everyone and eventually we all just left him alone and talked amongst ourselves.

I figured it might be asking too much to actually get any that night, what with my lover's pissy attitude. I figured he would be all hands-off. But no. The second I stretched out beside him on the mat, he rolled over towards me and went to work. It was a half-hearted attempt at best on Brian's part, more like work than pleasure. After half an hour or so, he just couldn't seem to get things going. It was the first failure I had ever witnessed by Brian in the bedroom. He never said a word. Just finished me off, rolled over and went to sleep. That was about two weeks ago and ever since, Brian has hardly said five civil words to me.

I just don't get it. It's like sex is no longer an option. We're only allowed the jobs o' hand and/or blow and even then it's all very quick and almost impersonal. Might as well be in the backroom of fuckin Babylon! To be honest, it's about like having someone show you a fabulous studio filled with a lifetime supply of oils and canvas and paper and pencils and charcoals and... And then the next day you're shoved into a closet with nothing but a box of crayons. Limited would be a nice way of putting how I feel. I've taken to going off by myself A LOT more, just so I don't have to be around him. Just can't stand feeling like every minute I'm with him is another minute that he's pulling away from me.

I can't help but wonder if it had something to do with my topping him. Something I did? Didn't do? I don't know what it could've been...but at this point I guess I'll never know.

***

Tuesday - June 3, 2008

Fucking Brian! He can go to hell and rot for all I care!

Okay... So maybe that's a little harsh. Though not by much! He was a total and utter prick and I wish I had never gotten on that plane! I wish I hadn't been so naive as to believe that we could be adults and handle a business trip together. I wish I had never even agreed to work with the asshole in the first place!

So I was about to go swimming with Cynthia, this afternoon. Rory was inside taking a nap and Brian and Neil were both just kinda lounging around on the beach. I still had my shorts on and started to strip when I heard Neil say something to Brian. I couldn't hear what. Don't really care. For once, I'm not blaming a damn thing on Neil. It's obviously in his personality to be a dickhead and a fuckin instigator, so if we even bother letting him get to us then it's our own fault.

The next thing I know,. Brian snaps and sneers this evil little sneer. And then...he said "That's not love, that's a lack of options". He was looking at the water when he said it, but as soon as it left his mouth, his eyes shot up to mine with a guilty look and I just turned and walked away. Went into the house and grabbed a few necessities, stuffed them in my back pack and told Cynthia I'd be back tomorrow. Believe me, I know I was being a total drama queen, but a the same time, it's been building up. It's not as if my feelings have been hurt and I'm running away from the mean man that said bad things. No. He's said a lot lately - though none of it ever directly to me - that would make me think that he'd rather I wasn't here. Or...rather...HE wasn't here. And that's cool. But, I just needed some time away. Extended time away. I dunno. Maybe I should see about rooming with Neil for a while. God help me, has it really come to this?

So now...here I am. Sitting in our old cave. A small fire doing little to keep me warm in the prick's stead and our blanket over me too. Wonder if he'll be cold tonight. Doesn't matter. He's used to it. Cold-hearted motherfucker!

***

Wednesday - June 4, 2008

I can't believe it. I can't fucking believe it. Brian... SHIT! Amazing! I just can't believe it! It's...it's unbelievable is what it is!

I guess...you just had to be there...

TBC in part 9...