April 29, 2008 (TUESDAY)

I hate sand. Sand is EVIL!

After Brian and I made love on the beach yesterday, I've begun to locate sand in crevices of my body that I really wasn't aware even existed! And it itches like HELL!

Oh...and yes - you read that right. Brian and I are together again. Physically anyway. Not that it needs a label. Nope. No need for labels. I mean - what would be the point right? What's a lover/boyfriend/partner/husband anyway? Someone you make a life with? Someone you spend time with? Someone you can see yourself loving endlessly? We already have all of that. We're making a life here. Maybe we didn't choose it - but those are the cards we were dealt. We enjoy spending time together. He rarely goes off by himself except on Sundays and no one, not even me, can begrudge him that! And...I know now - have always known - that I love him. Endlessly everlasting love. And, one way or another, Brian feels the same for me. So there - we're all of those things...and none of those things. We're...here. And I'm okay with that.

He told me that if he had to be here - he was glad it was with me. I can honestly say that I feel exactly the same way. Who would have thought? We went into this trip, dreading having to be in such close proximity. Now, if our proximity were any closer, the others would need a scalpel to separate us. Funny how things can turn out.

LOL! Brian is actually sitting across the room mocking my every movement. He even has my sappy grin down pat. Jackass. If this is his entertainment, he must seriously be bored - and I think this is my cue to alleviate that boredom. Until next time...

***

Thursday - May 1, 2008

Wow...guess I have been neglecting my journal here. But it's definitely with goooooood reason. Brian and I have been - how can I put this? - fucking like rabbits on speed. I mean, we were in a "relationship" for around two years or so, depending on when you started counting. So it's not as if we're new to each other. But...wow! He's wearing ME out now! We've spent a lot of time in our room lately. And yesterday we went and showered again. Together of course. I'm still hesitant about beach sex though, after the two day itch-fest I had last time.

It's wonderful to be with Brian again in every way. Really, it isn't all sex all the time. We do talk between sessions. He has even started talking about his childhood. I guess being here is about as far away as you can get from things like that, so I'm happy he feels safe enough to open up to me.

The girls are just foaming at the mouth to say something. I can just see it in their eyes when they look at us. Afternoons are absolutely excruciating - or hilarious, depending on which side of the camp you're on. They sit there watching us talk by the fire, as though we were some television show. At least now we're more like Friends and less like the Real World.

I had to start putting the days of the week on my entries. Days are going by surprisingly quickly. One seems to drift into the next and I find myself constantly forgetting what day it is. Somehow knowing that it is indeed Thursday, comforts me in some way. As if I'm still a part of the world.

***

Friday - May 2, 2008

It's a bit like being in prison, isn't it. Being completely closed off and unable to move. This afternoon, Brian and I were sitting by the fire and I just...looked out at the water and wanted to cry. Before I knew it, I was crying so hard that I couldn't even breathe let alone blame it on allergies. Brian just pulled me into his arms and let me get it all out. I think it was the only thing he knew to do.

What really gets to me is...Brian was right. All along, he's known and I've been living off the high that we've actually survived this far. I looked out...into the night, the ocean surrounding us, like a guard keeping prisoners at bay. Trapping us. And we have no way of knowing how close we are to the mainland. No tangible hopes of escape, no rescue on the horizon. Just a flat edge where the ocean meets the sky in the distance. He tried to tell me...

***

Sunday - May 4, 2008

I've been moping around since Friday and I swear this mood is starting to annoy even me. The others have let me keep to myself and surprisingly, Brian hasn't been the asshole I was expecting him to be. He's held me each night and ignored me each day. (Believe me - I would have ignored me too. I've sounded like friggin Eyore or something.) This morning he woke me up slowly, kissing me all over. He made love to me. Not sex. Just slow, tender lovemaking. And I desperately needed it too. But it kinda nudged me into a slightly better mood.

So while he's gone off to...wherever he goes off to on Sunday's and Rory takes her own walk down the beach and Cynthia goes to find more of her seashells and Neil sleeps in...I'm just sitting here writing and trying to come to terms with the ocean. We're becoming friends again, I think. :) I went for a swim about an hour ago so I feel refreshed and tired at the same time.

Well, since I've been a bitch the last few days, I'm going to go scare up some grub for dinner. They've been kind enough to put up with me so the least everyone deserves is a little feast. Now...where to find a little feast on an island...

_________________

(5/4 cont)

Note to self: Black berries good - Red berries baaaaaad (learned THAT one the hard way)

***

Tuesday - May 6, 2008

Yes alright. I made everyone sick. They tasted really good, so how were we to know that those berries were poisonous? Well we know now. There were only a few sprinkled over the other fruit, so luckily no one ate enough to do any major harm. But I'm sure when the nausea lets up, and Cynthia stops puking...the fingers are going to start pointing in this direction.

What can I say? Live and learn.

***

Thursday - May 8, 2008

Everyone is back to normal now. At least as normal as it gets. They weren't quite as angry with me as I was afraid they would be. Although Cynthia did bring me a handful of the devil berries as a "present" to show her appreciation for her pulled stomach muscle and sore chest. I didn't find the gift quite as humorous as the others, but at least she didn't try to force feed them to me. :)

So while we're recovering, we're catching up on all the sun we missed out on while we were inside, bedridden. Even Neil joined us today. The sun is so warm, I think it's actually seeped into my bones.

Contemplating a nap. Yeah. Nap sounds good right about now. And I can do it too. Lounge about on the beach, in the middle of a workday. Because I'm stuck on an island.

See...there IS a silver lining to every cloud.

***

Friday - May 9, 2008

The movies always portray castaways in a four or five minute montage, showing their adjustment to island living. I can tell you now, with ABSOLUTE certainty - It's complete and utter bullshit! And if...WHEN we get off the island, I'm going to write very VERY nasty letters to all of the evil writers/directors - hell, even ACTORS - of those movies and tell them just were they can stuff those montages. Misleading dickheads!

Okay here's the NEW problem. We ran out of food again. Don't ask me how it happened. I guess we all thought the others were keeping an eye on it. No one even noticed it was low until we realized we were gonna go hungry last night. So we got up at the asscrack of dawn and went in search of more food.

So we start to head out when we realize that Neil is still asleep. Injured ankle or not, Brian seemed completely put off that Neil wasn't planning on doing his share. Here it's do it or die and formalities have completely flown out the window at this point. He marched into the man's room and dragged him out by his good leg. When Neil was finally awake enough to comprehend what was happening, Brian drew a line in the sand. Not literally of course, but close enough. He told Neil in no uncertain terms that he wasn't going to be partaking in any more meals unless he got off of his ass and started helping out. Starting right that second.

So with Neil hobbling along after us, we began the trek towards the fresh water. Because fresh water = food. After we had found enough fruit to last at least a week, we headed straight back, all of us too tired from not eating the day before to even bother with showering.

It has come to my attention though, that we definitely need meat. While you can, and we have been, surviving off of fruit, it would be beneficial if we had a good source of protein too. I brought the subject up with Brian and he said we would work on that tomorrow. One day at a time, he said. So tomorrow - we fish.

***

Saturday - May 10, 2008

Here I am, happy and, for once, full after our scrumptious meal of blackened fish.

Today we all received our first lesson in fishing from our lord and master, Brian. He rushed into the house this morning, calling everyone to get up. Today...we would learn to fish with a spear, he said. Now, he has steadily been working on spears in his spare time, (and let's face it...it's all spare time around here.) so he has about ten finished that actually meet his high standards. He instructed us to take a spear and stand on the beach while he showed us how it was done.

Shall I paint the picture for you?

Imagine if you will, a tall, lean, powerful man. The slightly too-large pair of red jockeys, clinging to him like a second skin in the water. His skin darkened by so many hours in the sun so that it's a light shade of cinnamon. His face is illuminated by the light bouncing off of the ocean, making him look electric and like some strange otherworldly seraph. He's larger than life and the picture of a perfect male specimen.

Now...imagine this same man, hopping around in knee deep water (with all the grace of a dead chicken, I might add) waiving a slightly crooked hand-made spear over his head and screaming at the top of his lungs, damning all the little fish to perdition.

Yes, that's right. We spent well over an hour watching this scene. It would seem that our fearless leader was getting nibbled on by the mean little guppies. Though entire schools of the little fish were surrounding him, he managed to catch nothing. And of course he was furious when Cynthia waded into the water, stood still for all of two minutes and speared a rather large...something or other. It tasted pretty good whatever it was.

And poor Brian. I had to nurse his injured pride all afternoon. And...again about an hour ago. And...yeah. His pride will probably need a little more TLC in about ten more minutes. I figured I'd let him take a nap to recharge first. I'm just that kind of guy. Always thinking of others. *LOL*

***

Sunday - May 11, 2008

By my watch, which I now suspect is about an hour slower than it was, it's around noon. I know that Sundays are supposed to be for us. We do individual things and just have that quiet time. I totally appreciate the idea. I do. But I'm about to go out of my mind. I'm writing this out of desperation for something to do, since I really don't have anything TO write. Well...except that I'm bored.

Brian, of course, disappeared with the dawn. I woke up and he was gone. No morning nookie. Nothing. Man, have I gotten spoiled with that wake up call!

***

Monday - May 12, 2008

Last night was...wow!

When Brian came back, around dusk, he immediately noticed my homicidal look. Yeah, my boredom got a little out of hand. I was actually making sand angels and singing "Wig in a Box" in a thick German accent when he walked up. I think I sorta scared him.

Anyway, to give us all something to do, Brian - yes BRIAN KINNEY - initiated our first game night! Since we didn't have cards or board games or anything, we first played word games and things like that. We even played one round of spin the bottle (at Cynth's insistence). It ended quickly though, after Brian had to kiss Neil. Brian, as usual, milked the moment. Neil isn't a troll by a long shot so I doubt it was a hardship to kiss him, but still. He actually dipped him backwards and I swear he slipped him tongue! It was great though, watching Neil's eyes go all buggy like that. Heh. He so blushed! Wonder if he's secretly bi or something. Just curiosity, mind you. Wouldn't go there either way.

I was way grateful to Brian for coming up with the idea. And he actually told me that he was happy that I had fun. I was so amazed. Just before I fell asleep, I realized that for the first time, it really felt like a home. And I really genuinely felt happy and at peace, laying there in Brian's arms.

TBC in part 8...