Monday - July 21, 2008

I think an intervention may be necessary. I thought we had things cleared up but I guess not. Brian is becoming a little obsessive about my safety. Today he made Neil stop swimming while I was swimming. I don't exactly know what that was going to do, but it's like I'm some kind of celebrity and he's my bodyguard. I secretly enjoyed it for a while. Who wouldn't, right? I had my lover's FULL attention and he was being so sweet when he wasn't being an overbearing bastard. Yet...when he insisted that I'm just too fragile to be outside for more than hour or so... I really had to start taking his worrying more seriously. I must have really scared the hell out of him to make him act like this.

***

Tuesday - July 22, 2008

Today I sat Brian down and told him that the worrying must stop. It's been well over a week since the incident and I feel 100% better. He tried to interrupt every chance he had, but I wouldn't let him. I just smiled (tightly) and thanked him for worrying so much. I told him that I knew he was only doing it because he loved me so much. Then, before he could say anything else, I pushed him down and had my way with him. He was tense at first. I could tell he wasn't completely convinced of my recovery. But after a few minutes...I made him see the light. Oh yeah. I think I got through to him - on many levels.

***

Wednesday - July 23, 2008

I was ‘allowed' to fish today. Of course, the fact that I aimed the spear at Brian when he tried to protest, seemed to help. For several hours I just walked around the small pools of water, waiting for a nice dinner to swim along. It's a very liberating thing to catch your own food. You feel strong, like you know you could really take care of yourself if need be. At the end of the day, I brought four fair-sized fish back to camp and Brian was so impressed that he offered to take over cooking duties. Maybe that was just an excuse to keep me from doing any more work, but he seemed sincere so I let it go.

On a side-note - I've noticed Cynthia and Rory acting extremely weird. They're acting like two really skittish, polite people in a crowded elevator. I went to ask Cynthia if she wanted to go for a walk and she jumped a foot in the air when I approached her. She laughed at herself but she looked a little guilty too. Something's off at the Pittsburgh house. Of course, I realize that something is ALWAYS off here. At least I'm not a part of it this time!

***

Thursday - July 24, 2008

It's around 6am now and the sky is finally starting to lighten up so I can see to write. I think I must have been up for the last few hours. Brian woke me up, tossing and turning. The mumbles indicated a night terror so I just rubbed his back until he settled down again. As soon as I was sure he wouldn't wake up, I decided to leave the house for an early morning run.

It's so wonderful to be outside at this time of day. The sky is such a nice shade of grey. Not a gloomy shade. Just the color that results from the natural transition from black to blue. In the distance the sky is a patchwork of orange, white, violet and blue. It reminds me of a painting I once saw, but then again...what doesn't?

There's a great breeze blowing off of the water right now. It actually chills me, which is a really nice change from the sweltering heat that will come with the sunrise. I'm glad I got up to take advantage of this.

It feels like forever since I've been able to just get away and exist in my own body. You would think that island living would leave you with few options beyond being relatively alone. Yet since we've landed here, I think this has been the longest amount of time that I've gone without being on my own. We all have a connection now and a responsibility for one another. It feels almost selfish to want to get away from the people that help to sustain your life. Whatever - I just want to enjoy this as long as I can. Pretty soon Rory will be getting up, then Brian and Cynthia, then Neil. But for now it's just me and the breeze and the few moments left before sunrise.

***

(7/24 cont)

Brian woke up around 8 or so and freaked out when he realized I wasn't there. Apparently he had several dreams about me getting hurt and/or dying last night. I assured him that I was fine but he seemed kinda shaken. I can imagine. After the bashing, nightmares were a bitch. I can appreciate the effect they can have on a person. I know first-hand just how real they can seem too. I just hope this doesn't reverse the progress we've made in the last two days.