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*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Hey *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* "I don't need this shit from you Brian!" Justin yelled as he pushed the door to the loft open and stomped in, Brian following in his wake trying his best to look bored. Truthfully he was just a little bit annoyed with the younger man's reaction to his suggestion. Especially since it had simply been just that - a suggestion. Of course Brian was also cursing himself for saying anything at all. He knew how sensitive Justin was about what happened. He wouldn't talk about it unless he brought it up and waiting for that to happen was like watching water boil. It seemed as if it would never happen if you watched for it to. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Standing face to face *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Brian shrugged off his jacket and let the leather hit the floor with a soft thud as he watched the boy from doorway. Without a word, he crossed to the bedroom slowly shedding his clothing as he went. Justin jerked his shoes off and threw them across the room knocking a lamp over onto the hardwood floor. The pottery and glass shattered and Justin sank down to his knees, suddenly feeling the fight leave him. Hoping the warm spray would calm him, Brian stood in the shower absently rubbing the bar of soap in wide circles over his chest and torso. He tried desperately to keep breathing as a myriad of emotions passed through him. He was angry that Justin couldn't simply open up. Couldn't...or wouldn't let Brian take some of the burden of the memories and pain. Then came sadness. The boy that they had once called Sunshine was gone. His smile so fleeting when it came was extremely rare. Then came the fear that Justin would walk away from him if he pushed too hard. Fear that he wouldn't push hard enough and wouldn't be able to help the boy. Daphne hardly called anymore after he had told her to fuck off - that she could never understand. When she did call, Brian was the one to speak to her. Emmett had tried to cheer him up one night and left crying. Brian had never found out why but he wasn't sure he wanted to. Deb hadn't given up yet but every time she and Justin were within a hundred feet of one another they would be arguing. These episodes were getting no better. His young lover's anger and pain were building up quickly within him. It was festering and Brian felt that it wouldn't be long before Justin either exploded or pushed everyone away. His skin red from the extensive soaping, Brian shut off the water and wrapped a towel around his waist, not even bothering to dry off. When he reached the bedroom he stopped, his heart suddenly in his throat. Justin was lying on the bed, curled up in the fetal position, his body shaking with his sobs. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I might need you to hold me tonight *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Letting the towel fall to the floor, Brian crawled on the bed and attempted to pull Justin into his arms. The young man pulled away and Brian sat at the head of the bed, his head tilted back resting on the wall behind him. Closing his eyes, he counted to ten, hoping it would help him to keep his emotions in check. "Justin." He whispered. After a minute with no response he looked down to see the boy looking up with him with an unreadable expression on his face. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Hey *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* "Talk to me." Brian whispered, his voice pleading. The boy just looked away and settled back on the bed. His body was tense and he looked as if he was going to bolt at any moment. Like a spooked horse, you had to approach him with a bit of assertiveness but with enough restraint and hesitation that he thought he was in control of the situation. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Well I want to scream *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* When Brian's fingers brushed the boy's cheek his body began to shake. Before he could even blink Brian was being pulled down onto his back. Justin covered his body with his own and sighed deeply. "I'm sorry." He said so softly, Brian had to strain to hear him. Slowly he wrapped his arms around Justin and squeezed his eyes shut. He had to be strong for Justin. "For what?" *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* So tell me isn't happiness *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* "For being such a mess." The boy whispered. "For not..." "What?" Brian urged him on gently. "For not being strong enough to face it." Justin buried his head in the crook of Brian's arms as the words escaped his lips. Brian clenched his teeth together and gathered his thoughts. Justin actually believed that he wasn't strong enough. It was bullshit. He knew this. But how could he make Justin understand his own strength? His thoughts were interrupted by Justin's soft whispers. "I've let everyone down. I been trying so hard to find a way out Brian. So many times I wanted to just kill myself after all that shit with the trial. After he did that to me...yelling that I should have died." Brian's mind drifted to when almost the same words had been spoken to him by his father. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I might need you to hold me tonight *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* "That's only a better reason for you to live. You can't let a piece of shit like him get what he wants." Brian felt Justin nod against his arm at the words. His mind was just absorbing what the boy had said. ‘I wanted to just kill myself...' He wrapped his other arm around Justin's waist and let a tear fall down his cheek and onto the pillow, the dark material hiding the dampness. Guilt consumed him. How the hell could he have suggested such a thing to Justin? Was he so blind to see that the boy would only be hurt more by it? Justin was only right to be upset with him. With all of them. They had all urged him to get on with his life. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Do you remember not long ago? *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* They had all told him that things would get better. What if they had lied? They had all told him to just go back to his old life. Go back to Babylon. Go back to Woody's. Go back to all of your old habits and vices and loves and pretend that nothing had changed. It had all changed. Justin was in a whole new world and they had shoved him into it and had expected him to accept it without question. Tonight Brian had actually suggested that going to visit Chris would be a good idea. It would get rid of some of his demons. Some sort of closure. Only...he had never stopped to think that it would be HIS closure and not Justin's. Brian's tears began to mingle with Justin's and the boy looked up at his lover and his eyes pleaded for some sort of release. A release that couldn't be given sexually or physically. It would only come with Justin. In his own time. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Hey *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* "What can I do?" Brian whispered, his finger moving to wipe a tear from the boy's flushed cheek. "How can I help?" "You're doing it Brian." He didn't smile but he seemed to relax a bit as Brian slid further down the bed and pulled Justin on top of him, his legs straddling Brian's and his head on Brian's chest. His arms once again slid around the boy's slender waist and he rubbed his back as he would when Gus was having trouble sleeping. Justin fell asleep quickly and Brian followed his lead, content that tomorrow would come and it would mean a new day, a new life, a new world. For both of them. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* I might need you to hold me tonight *~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Lyrics are from "Hold Me" by Darren Hayes and Daniel Jones of Savage Garden. (c) 1999 Sony Music Entertainment Inc.
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