![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
![]() |
Chelle | |||||
I stood on AJ's doorstep, fidgeting. Nick had left a note on the fridge, next to Jana's, telling us where he could be found if anyone wanted to know or even cared. He'd gone into Orlando to stay with AJ for a while. The door opened and there stood the infamous AJ, who I'd heard so much about, but had never had the pleasure of meeting. "Hi, I'm..." "Chelle, right?" he asked before I could finish. "Uh, yeah." Alright, what had Nick told him about me? "I'm AJ, good to meet you." he said, holding his hand out to me to shake. I took his hand, "Hey AJ, nice to meet you, too." "I guess you're here to see Nick..." He stepped aside and opened the door wider. "Yeah." "Come on in, he's upstairs- let me get him." AJ said, smiling and charging off up the steps. I slowly walked into the house, trying to take in everything around me. I wished Jana were there, only because I'd never be able to accurately describe the things I was seeing. I heard footsteps approaching, and looked up to see AJ and Nick coming into the room. "I'll be out back if y'all need me." AJ said, turning to walk into what I guessed was the kitchen. Nick and I just stared at each other from across the room, like we were both afraid to get any closer. I didn't know it was possible to feel so many things at once- especially when they all seemed to contradict each other- pain, happiness at seeing him again, anger at what he'd done, and what seemed like a hundred other things I couldn't quite identify. I finally walked to him, stopping directly in front of him. Out of gut-reaction-reflex, I reached up and slapped him, leaving a handprint on his cheek, and a stunned expression on his face. "THAT is for breaking my heart." He just looked back at me, too caught off guard to respond. He blinked and I watched as little tears spilled down over his reddened cheek. As he looked at me, a thought suddenly hit me, what if he wasn't who I thought I'd fallen in love with? "How could..." I knew I shouldn't even start that question. "Who are you Nick? My friend? Lover? Or just a player that fucked me over?" My question seemed to make him cry harder, he almost collapsed onto the couch- just falling back from where he had been standing. "Chelle... no. That's not...how it is..." he said, choking up. "What's not? You were fucking her, weren't you??" He cringed, "I'm sorry that .. I hurt you... " he whispered, the pain he was in becoming visible. I had to feel bad for him- he looked miserable. The pity was still overshadowed by my anger, but there was something inside me that wouldn't let me lash out at him again. "What's up with us? Me and you. Am I getting in the way of something? Do you want Jana? Just keep me on the side- use me when you need me?" I bit my lip, I was going to start bawling in a second. I was afraid of what his answer would be. He still looked pained, and said, "I don't know.. I mean I knew, or well, I thought, that we had something special.. but I didn't know how you felt. Like if I was just sex to you, or what..: 'ARGH!' I wanted to slap myself. 'I should have fucking told him!' I took a deep breath, "Actually, I was going to tell you that I love you... I was going to do it that afternoon.. when I walked in on you and her." Nick's eyes widened and his jaw dropped a little. I didn't know if it was my confession or the suckiness of my timing that had him so surprised. After what seemed like an eternity of waiting for a response from him, I prompted him, "Nick... please say something." "I don't.. think... that I could feel any worse..." he said softly. Well hell. That didn't help me any. He continued though. "I was just curious about her... what she'd be like.. I guess it's just a guy thing.. since you two are such good friends.. but you're so different, I was wondering... if sex would be that way too... really different with each of you.." I held my hand up, "That's enough. I love Jana and I know damn near everything about her- but I draw the line at wanting to know opinions on how good she is in bed." "Sorry. I was just saying it was curiosity.. and I'm sorry. I had no idea you felt that way." "But would it have changed anything?" He looked like he was really thinking about it and then said, "Probably." "Why? Would it have been out of feeling responsible? Like 'oh, she's in love with me, I should be nice so I don't look like a complete bastard' or 'hey, I kind of like her so I don't need to fuck around'?" I asked, realizing that however he answered was going to tell me a lot about what I meant to him, and whether I had any chance of having some sort of significant relationship with him. "Chelle, I like you. If I didn't I wouldn't have even slept with you in the first place." he said, making eye contact with me from across the room. Okay, he "liked" me. This didn't help me any- I could say I "liked" the pugs. "Are you sure about that? Most guys would have a hard time resisting a girl who's throwing herself at him- whether he 'likes' her or not." I said. "Girls throw themselves at me everyday- I have no problems resisting them." he replied. Alright, he sort of had me on that one. "And.. I wouldn't have freaked out about you finding out about me and Jana- if I didn’t like you.. didn't like what we have.. or had..." "What were you going to do? Just keep sneaking around with her until you were satisfied you knew how different we were- or until I found out? And what do we have Nick? We have sex.. is that all?" "I don't know what I was going to do.. it's not like I was exactly planning this all out. And no.. I don't think we just.. had sex.. you're special to me.. and I don't want.. " he stopped talking and looked from me to the floor and back to me. "I don't want to lose you. We can stop having sex if you want.. and just try.. dating or something.. if you've got any interest in me any more..." Now I was making progress.. he'd at least just told me I meant something to him... and that I wasn't just sex... "Nick, I love you. You hurt me but that doesn't change how I feel. Yes, I would like to try.. dating or something.. but I don't want you to do that because you feel like you have to." "I don't do things out of pity.. or feeling that I owe someone something. I love spending time with you, I love being with you... sex and otherwise..." his voice dropped off as he was speaking, like he was trying to think and talk at the same time, as if he'd just realized something and couldn't speak and figure it out at all at once. I had my head in my hands.. I didn't know what to do with this. I couldn't figure out what he was telling me, and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing now- did I just forgive him and try to pick up where we left off? And what was I supposed to do about Jana? "Nick.. will you come back home with me? I think... we all need to talk... I want you to know that I want to be with you...but I don't know that I can right now." He still looked like he was lost in thought, but he nodded. "But that was why I came over here... I was wondering what was going on.. I had to talk to you." He gave me a small smile, "I'm glad you did. I wanted to talk to you, but didn't know if you would or not." "I can't stand tension, like unresolved issues... and if I really care about them, I'll try to fix them myself. I don't want to go to sleep again tonight not knowing what's up with us." "What's up is- I'm sorry for hurting you. And I'd like to... have some sort of relationship with you... whatever you want.. if you still want... something like that. And I'll be staying away from Jana.. other than just being friendly, like we were before." He stopped talking and took a deep breath. "I guess what it comes down to is... I'm yours, if you want me." My heart stopped for at least a full minute.. and I had no idea what to say to him. I stood up, and looked at him for a moment, then said, "I can't answer that.. right now. I know what I want to do, but I don't know what I should do." "That's fine. I understand." he paused, "Should I go home now, you think?" I nodded. "We need to get this all cleared up- like now." "Yeah. I'm gonna tell AJ I'm leaving, then I'll head back out there." "I'm going to go now.. go talk to Jana." I watched him stand up and he appeared to be having the same thoughts I was- to touch or not to touch? The aching part of me that missed the way he felt won out. I walked to him, slipped my arms around him and hugged him tightly. He responded immediately, his strong arms embracing me in a crushing hug and he kissed the top of my head. Apparently he needed that as much, if not more, than I did. When I pulled away from him, he looked sad again. I stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek, then headed for the door. "I'll see you in a little while." He nodded and gave me a little wave. I let myself out and hopped into my PT Cruiser and opened the sunroof. As I drove back to Tampa, I tried to figure out everything that had happened today. I'd made my confession and had gotten a small one in return- and what I'd wanted all along. He'd offered himself- mine for the taking... which would have been an offer I couldn't refuse a few days ago... but a lot had changed since then. To me, cheating had always been the ultimate sin- completely unforgivable. But then again, I'd never been in love and been cheated on before. Being on the other side of the situation made things look very different. Even if I did excuse the cheating- there was still the Jana issue. By law of being a female- my loyalty lay with my best friend, but she'd been the one he'd cheated with. Okay, what the hell do I do about this one? ~~~~ I found myself standing anxiously at the second door I didn't want to have to be knocking on as I waited for Jana to drag her ass over to open it. It was still fairly early in the day, considering everything that had happened already. I'd been shocked that Nick was up already, though like me, he may not have slept well, if at all. Jana finally opened the door, wearing her purple robe, obviously having just rolled out of bed. Normally I would have razzed her about bed-head or something, but I just didn't have it in me then. I wasn't entirely sure why I was there. I knew I had to talk to her... I couldn't see going from the best of friends to bitter enemies in just one day. If I would have understood the situation better I might have been able to sort my feelings a little. But there was so much I still didn't know- who started it? Who's idea had it been it? Was there more to it than sex? Jana ordered coffee and bagels from room service and I sat thinking, wanting to wallow in my pain. Pity, party of one, your table is ready. The bagels and coffee came and I grabbed a bagel, smothered in it cream cheese and got some coffee- which I cannot stand, but couldn't even taste it. I was barely aware of anything- half lost in thoughts of Nick and half wondering what I was supposed to do now that I'd come to see her. She finally broke the awkward silence and asked what had happened with Nick and I. She got the extremely condensed version, and she tried to sympathize with my bemoaning how emotional my day had been. That was when I got defensive. And possessive. Not only did he become MINE, as if he was something to be solely owned, but he became my "boyfriend". I don't know if Jana even noticed.. but when I said it, I almost couldn't believe I'd just let that slip. I knew I wanted him, but obviously my mind had taken it at least a step further. And that probably had just as much to do with my crying as Jana did. But that was before I'd heard they'd done it more than once. That took my pissiness to a whole new level. I jumped out of the seat I'd been slouched in and started tearing around the room, grabbing and throwing whatever I could get hold of. When I get mad, I get REALLY mad, and a little dramatic. I went off on her- accusing, blaming, asking questions that I didn't want answers to. I had her in tears, which somewhat eased my pain, knowing that at least she felt some, too. But I still lost it and crumbled to the floor. I felt Jana's arms come around me, and I let her hug me- I didn't feel like I had the energy to protest if I had to. She apologized again, saying she couldn't take thinking that I hated her and that Nick wasn't even that great of a fuck to fight over. I didn't hate her- I didn't hate him either- I was just hurt. The two people that I wanted to trust the most were the ones that had broken my heart. And I didn't agree with her- he was that good. I started to say it takes more than twice to really figure someone out, especially him, and learn what makes sex with them amazing- but I didn't want to encourage a repeat performance from them. And since Jana and I are apparently different in every way, maybe what made him rock my world just didn't work for her. I calmed down after a while, and just sniffled as her pleas for forgiveness continued. Being that I have the inability to really stay mad at anyone, the more I snivveled, I began to realize something and the thought made me laugh. Jana looked at me like I was crazy and asked what my deal was. "We're fighting over a guy… blonde hair, blue eyes, a few ticklish spots, a killer smile and a cock… Doesn't really seem like grounds for the third world war." I paused, and reconsidered, "Well, his dick may be worth a small civil war." Jana cracked up, just as I knew she would, and pretty much with those giggles, everything was okay. I was still hurt, but love is like that, or so I've been told. I guess I'm just learning firsthand now. I helped her clean up the room and pack and then we headed back home- where we found Nick waiting for us. ~~ He was sitting on the couch, surprisingly pugless, looking wary of Jana and I walking in together, giggling- like he was afraid we were going to gang up on him. Jana took her stuff upstairs, while I went into the kitchen to make us all drinks- I figured this conversation may well require alcohol. I brought Nick his drink and set Jana's on the end table. I kissed his cheek and sat down in the chair across from the couch. "You look worried." "I am." he replied and took a quick sip of his drink. "I've never done this.. had to wait.. I'm used to immediate reactions, especially in relationships.. I've never let someone else call the shots before." He stopped talking for a second and looked at me. "I have no idea what you're thinking now.. but I know how I feel.." He looked up as Jana walked into the room and he never did finish his sentence. I tossed back the rest of my drink and went to make another one. What the fuck had he started to say??? I said to hell with mixing another drink and I grabbed the bottle of wine I'd started on last night while crying in bed. I took a sip straight out of the bottle as I shuffled back into the living room. Jana and Nick were sitting about as far away from each other as possible and looking in completely opposite directions, both scowling. Okay, what did I miss and how did I end up being the mediator here? I took another gulp from the bottle and settled back down in my chair. For at least five minutes, no one said anything. I looked back and forth between the two of them, hoping one of them would pick up on the telepathic vibes I was trying to send them to start a conversation. When I realized I was getting nowhere, I said, "I'm not mad at either of you. I'm getting over it and moving on." They both turned to look at me, like they were waiting for the punch line- there had to be more to what I was saying. If they wanted more, I may as well keep going. "I love you both, in completely different ways, of course, and I think, that basically- this sucks. I don't know what to do with this situation." Jana glanced at Nick and then looked back at me, "What do you want to do?" I sighed, "I want to just be your best friend, like we were before.. try to forget about...what happened.." Jana nodded and waited for the rest of what I was going to say. Nick was looking expectantly at me, he knew he was next. "And.. I can't help it.. but.. I want..." I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, partly because of my uncertainty on his feelings and not knowing what this would do to the general situation in our house. I looked down at my hands, knowing they were both watching me. I didn't want to say anything else though. I got up out of the chair and ran up to my room, locking the door behind me. Mikey had been curled up on my pillow and jumped when the door slammed. I collapsed onto the bed, tears sliding down my cheeks for what seemed like the thousandth time in two days. Mikey plopped down beside me and gave me doggie kisses on my hand. I began stroking the soft fur on his head, trying to think, further contemplate things, and that was how I fell asleep. I woke up around 2 AM to Mikey scratching at my door and whimpering to be let out. I unlocked the door and he went charging out into the dark hall. Obviously Nick and Jana had called it a night, tired of waiting on me, no doubt. As I changed into my favorite pajamas, a shirt I'd stolen from Nick and a pair of silky pajama pants, I wondered what I'd missed. Had Nick and Jana talked? Had they talked about me? I stumbled through the house in the pitch black- not wanting to turn lights on and wake them up- and cursing everything I tripped over, until I came into the kitchen and flipped on the light. I opened the fridge, after discarding the notes from Jana and Nick and pulled out the carton of Mint chip ice cream. I hopped up on the counter and stuck my spoon in the carton, shoveling out a massive scoop. I'd forgotten how much I loved this stuff, until Nick was around. It was his favorite and he'd gotten me hooked on it again. Although, the fact that I'd been licking it off his chest may have had a little to do with my fondness for it, too. Three bites into my pig out I heard "ahem" and looked up to see Jana a few feet in front of me. My immediate reaction was to expect a lecture on sitting on the counter and eating out of the carton. Instead she gave me a smile and grabbed a spoon, scooping out some ice cream for herself. After she swallowed, she said, "I know you want to be with him, so do it. I promise, he's all yours." I didn't know whether to squeal and hug her, or ask if she was lying. I was glad for her approval at the situation- her willingness to try to make things work, but at the same time I was thinking- what does it matter? She's okay with it, I want it- but what the hell did Nick want? It's not like I couldn't find out- all I had to do was ask- I was just too chicken to do it. I put the ice cream away and Jana and I headed upstairs. I hugged her and thanked her and we both retreated to our bedrooms- Nicky scurrying after her and me alone. My solitude didn't last long. Shortly after I'd drifted off to sleep I was awakened by a soft knock on my door. I sat up and told whomever it was to come in. I could see his blue eyes glinting in the faint moonlight spilling through my room. He sat on the edge of my bed, and asked if I was okay. I guess that would depend on how we defined "okay". If it was a matter of simply being able to breathe, I was "okay". If it went beyond that, I was pretty sure I wasn't "okay." My heart hurt, I was still completely confused... and that was about all I knew at that point. I answered him, though, "Yeah.. I guess I'm alright." "You don't sound to sure of that." he said, quietly. "I'm not." "What can I do?" He moved closer to me, and reached out to pull me into a hug. I needed to feel that, just to be close to him, if nothing else. "Were you serious this morning?" "About what?" I took a deep breath, "Nick, you hurt me.. Jana did, too... but I'm so in love with you I can't think of anything else... I just want to be with you... " He pulled me into his lap, and wrapped his arms tightly around me. "That was all I needed to hear." He kissed my neck softly, and whispered, "I'm so sorry that I hurt you... I'll do anything I can to make it up to you... thank you for giving me another chance." I practically melted right there. I moved to lay down, and pulled him down with me, so that he was spooning me, arms still around me- I had to feel him right then, I needed that assurance... just knowing he was there, wanted to be there, and wasn't going anywhere any time soon. |
|||||
to part nine |