I carefully wiggled out from underneath Nick, immediately being replaced with Nicky and Houston scampering onto the bed and snuggling against him. I grabbed my clothes from where they'd been scattered in the floor as Nick and I had hurriedly undressed earlier, in various places between the living room and his bedroom.
I paused by the door, looking at what I was walking out on- Nick still asleep, lying on his stomach, completely undisturbed by my absence. I left the door partially open, knowing the dogs would get restless during the night and want to be able to roam the house.
I went back to my room, slipping into my pajamas and then into bed, alone. My sheets were cold from the bed being unoccupied... I curled into a ball with goosebumps and let all my thoughts tumble around.
I'd left Nick's room because I felt like I was almost suffocating under my own emotions. Things were out in the open, but they weren't. Jana knew we were having sex, but neither of them knew how I felt about him. I should have known before I got myself into this- I'd just end up a mess. Was it just sex? Could I leave it at that? He'd never said anything that should have led me to believe that he felt anything more for me than just a good friend to fuck.
The mere thought made me shudder. I didn't want to be just a way for him to get off that was more pleasurable than doing it himself. I wanted him to feel the way I felt... or thought I felt. I'd come to the point I just didn't know anymore.
At six a.m. I gave up on trying to sleep and finally rolled out of bed to get ready for work. When I was finished I peeped in Jana's doorway, needing some human interaction before I headed off to the land of 'ice' and snobbery...and I definitely wasn't going to talk to Nick.
Jana was the right choice anyway- an easy target for teasing in her scrub wear, "granny glasses" and hair going in at least 80 million directions. I razzed her until it was time to leave, not without promising a dish session when I got home. She said she'd be waiting and shooed me out the door.
~~~~
Despite the fact that I was completely out of it due to lack of sleep and under the influence of mass confusion- I had a great day at work. I managed to sell four anniversary bands, three engagement rings, two pairs of earrings- one emerald, one sapphire, and a platinum Jacob's ladder necklace (and practically a partridge in a pear tree)- which more than made up for my "sick" days the week before.
My manager, Cynthia, pulled me aside in the afternoon- telling me I had the magic touch, and wanted to know what my secret was.
"I think I'm in love", I sighed.
She laughed, "I shoulda known! You walking around here all starry-eyed and convincing everyone who walks in here to walk out with a surprise for their honey. I don't know who this guy is- but I hope you hang onto him!"
That would be when I took my afternoon break and went to cry in the bathroom.
~~~~
When I got home, Jana was almost too perky to tolerate. I was guessing she'd had a really good nap with both Nick and I gone.
I changed out of my work clothes, and wiggled the feeling back into my toes after being squished in high heels and day and joined Jana at the kitchen table for a snack of pizza rolls and chocolate chip cookies.
"How were things in the world of compressed carbon and snotty socialites today?" she asked, using one of my favorite phrases in reference to my job.
"Very profitable, amazingly.. considering I was practically talking in my sleep and I have no idea what I told anyone."
She laughed, a giddy sort of giggle that wasn't really appropriate for what I'd just said, but I was too tired to care.
I excused myself to nap, and slept the entire rest of the evening and night, which allowed me to avoid Nick... for a while.
I awoke the next morning to the feeling of my bed suddenly sinking behind me and strong arms pulling me back into an embrace.
"I missed you last night" Nick whispered in my ear, his warm breath tickling my neck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I did not need this now. "I'm sure the dogs warm the bed just as well as I do." I remarked.
He moved over a little, and turned me over to look at him. "But I can't kiss them" he replied, placing tiny light kisses all over my cheeks and forehead.
"Mikey's got a pretty good kiss goin' on, actually..."
"Smartass." he said, smiling. "You know what I mean."
Yeah, I probably did, but I intended to get as much out of this moment as possible, "Maybe I don't know."
"Well then, lemme tell you... I can kiss you...I love the feel of your body against mine... make you whimper, moan...feel you all around me.." his voice dropped lower and softer as he spoke, positioning himself over me and covering my body with his.
God, I wanted to cry again. I couldn't take this. My auto-pilot reactions came on though- my arms wound around him, my fingers slipping through his hair and down his back.
"Hey Chelle!!!" came echoing down the hall, followed by footsteps and the sound of my door opening, then "Why aren't you... whoa.. nevermind". The door closed and Jana padded back down the hall.
"Argh." I groaned. "I do have to get going."
Nick nipped at my earlobe and moved off me, promising we'd pick up where we left off later.
~~~~~
It was almost a week before we got around to even really seeing each other again, let alone have time to be together. Which was fine, I'd had sufficient time to think things over and come to a decision. After not being with him at all, I realized it wasn't the physical intimacy I missed, it was him. Sex was just a bonus. I was in love.
Jana finally went back to work, and I actually had a day off. Luckily, so did Nick. I decided to wait, though.. to see if he'd come to me. I got up, showered and had breakfast, all before the pugs even had to be let out. I retreated back to my room, closing the curtains, lighting candles all around, spinning NIN's "The Fragile" in my cd player and getting lost among my collection of pillows with one of my favorite books, "Beauty's Punishment".
I was just getting to one of the good parts- where Tristan's master pays Beauty's mistress to allow him to see her, when a soft knock echoed through my room. I didn't bother to look up; unless the dogs had learned to knock, I knew who it was. "Come in" I called, trying to find my bookmark without actually taking my eyes of the pages of the book.
"You busy?"
I glanced towards the door, and there was Nick, clad only in flannel pajama pants and that little boy grin I couldn't resist if my life depended on it. I shook my head 'no' and laid my book on the nightstand, giving him my undivided attention.
"Mind if I join you?" he asked, already crossing the room.
"I was hoping you would." I replied quietly, immediately anticipating his touch, the warmth of his body...
He smiled, "You know, I aim to please." He grabbed a few pillows and threw the off the bed and lay down, pulling me over onto him.
I looked at his face, the expectant smile, his eyes that caught and reflected the candlelight in a way that seemed to give them an almost neon glow. I brushed my fingertips across his cheeks and he closed his eyes, sighing softly.
He looked so innocent, vulnerable- I felt protective of him, like, this is mine, and I don't want to let go...
His hand slipped up my back to my shoulders, and brought me gently down, pressing my lips against his in a slow passionate kiss. When I pulled away to catch my breath, he gave me a sexy grin, "We've got all day..."
I moved off him, slipping out of my clothing, then lying back down. I held my arms open to him, "So let's start enjoying it now."
It took him no time to get his red plaid flannels off and crawl over to me again, a smile I couldn't quite decode playing on his lips.
We just looked at each other for a moment, trying to see what secrets we could discover in each other’s eyes. I wondered what he could see in mine, if it was the things I wanted to tell him. I didn't dare say anything, for fear I'd lose whatever it was we were sharing right then.
He must have been reading my mind, just as I was wondering what bizarre position we were going to end up tangled together in, he whispered, "Nothing fancy, I just wanted.. needed to be with you."
I sighed and nuzzled my cheek against his hand as his palm brushed slowly over the side of my face. I wrapped my arms around him, feeling him lightly rub his body over mine, and his hand slip down over my breast and between my thighs.
He entered me slowly, teasing me with every inch of his cock, making me whimper with need for him. His hands slid to my legs, wrapping them around his waist while his teeth nipped lightly at my lips before kissing me deeply.
He began rocking against me, thrusting in deep, pulling back and making me wait, to make me quietly plead with him before he'd slide back inside me.
My nails skidded lightly across his shoulders and down his back, as I fought with myself, do I tell him or not? "I love you" was desperately trying to escape my lips.
Nick's head dropped, biting gently and sucking along my collarbone, the speed of his thrusting beginning to pick up.
Even over my moans and his adorable grunts, I could still hear the song playing on my stereo, "This is how it begins, push it away but it all comes back again, all the flesh, all the sin. Breathe, echoing the sound, time starts slowing down... Please, I don't ever want to make it stop. Will you please complete me? Fill me up. Now everything is clear.. Please, I don't ever want to make it stop. You can never leave me, will you please complete me? Fill me up..." ("Please", NIN)
~~~~
'I should have done it', I mumbled again to myself, glancing at my reflection in the rearview mirror. I'd been kicking myself in the ass since yesterday, when lying in Nick's arms I'd passed up the perfect opportunity to confess my feelings.
I decided I'd tell him tonight. I had to. I didn't know how he'd react, but I had to say something, before I spontaneously combusted due to entirely too much pent up emotion. Or I could tell him now. Jana shouldn't be home yet, and that would give us enough time to talk or.. whatever it was we'd have to do once I told him.
I stopped at the grocery store on the way home, picking up Swiss Cake Rolls- not a personal favorite of mine, but Nick loves them- so I could tempt him with a snack before trying to have probably the most serious discussion I'd ever tried to attempt before. Love was a big issue for me… I’d never said it first before.. and I don’t know that I’d really meant it when it was a reply.
I pulled into the driveway, surprised to see the garage door open- both Nick and Jana's cars already parked inside. I immediately worried- why would she be home already? Was someone sick? Had someone gotten bad news? I went inside, dropped my bags on the table, surprised at the near silence the house carried. Houston came charging into the room, nipping at my heels as I checked the living room to see where everyone was, and then following me upstairs. Nick's door was wide open, but Jana's was closed, leading me to believe, if there was a problem, it was probably Jana and I should check on her first. Houston darted into Nick's room and I flung Jana's door open.
I gasped, in both surprise and horror, when I saw what was going on- Nick's body rising and falling above Jana as he thrust in and out of her, her hands on his ass like she was trying to pull him closer, deeper into her.
I slammed the door shut and ran downstairs, out onto the deck, my heart racing, breath coming in shaky gasps. That could not have happened. I did not just see that. I sunk into one of the lounge chairs, little pieces of my now-broken heart stabbing me repeatedly in the chest. How long had that been going on? Had he been with her first? Why hadn't she told me? Didn't she know, couldn't she see how I felt about him? She was supposed to be my best friend!!!
I was bawling with my head in my hands when I head the sliding door open behind me. I didn't care who it was, I didn't want to see either of them.
"Chelle? Oh god.. please.. don't cry.." Nick said, closing the door, coming closer to me.
"Why shouldn't I be crying?!?" I shouted, looking up to see him standing in front of me, one of the sheets from Jana's bed wrapped around his waist.
"Because I don't want to see you cry. Please, Chelle.." he said softly, reaching out to touch my arm.
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU WANT!" I pulled away from him, jumping up and crossing to the other side of the pool.
He watched me, staying on the other side, obviously a little shocked by my behavior. I don't get mad very often, but when I do, watch out. Jana was familiar with "hell hath no fury like Chelle when she's pissed" but I was so far beyond pissed it nearly registered on the Richter Scale.