National Enema

All the news that will fit in the bottom of a
litter box!

© Barbarian Horde 2001

CONGRATULATIONS
TO THE ENEMA!
WINNER of the 2000

Bambi Farstucker
EXCLUSIVES!!!

The Enema's Pewlizter-Prize Winning Journalist & Roving Reporter!

She'll do anything for a scoop!

Meet the Staff of the
NATIONAL ENEMA

The National Enema's
favorite target:
Oscar-winning actor
Russell Crowe

what will the Gladiator star do next? Bambi's got her eye on him...Stay tuned!

Elmer Soundview
Picks at the Truth...

...'til he gets it right!
(or close enough!)

Frequent Contributors!

The National Enema is proud to include articles contributed by stars of the tabloid world of journalism! This month's issue: Investigator Neese!

Equina Pheecees
Read it Here!

Steps where other's
fear to tread!

THE NATIONAL ENEMA ARCHIVES
the most recent articles are listed first

Get a load of Bambi!	Elmer Let's Loose!
News of the Plot Against Crowe!	Russell Crowe's Secret Love
Crowe Threatened by Sinister Forces
Special Assignment - The TOFOG Lyrics	Investigator Neese on the Case!
From the office of the Sydney Co-Dependent	An Intercepted Email Regarding the Kidnapping of Russell Crowe
Crowe Writes Chocolate Song for Phoenix
The Sydney Co-Dependent Declares a "Crowe-Free Zone"	Equina Drops a Bomb!
	Academy Members Recieve Mysterious Memo

Bambi Farstucker EXCLUSIVE!!!
News of the Plot Against Crowe!
Bambi Farstucker
www.b.farstucker.com
1-800-BAMBI TALKS
3/18/01

After much painstaking research, conducted with immense assistance from Very Special FBI Agent Norbert Nimblehoffer, Bambi can now reveal details of the kidnapping plot against Russell Crowe.

The first indications of a plot came from a van that had been double-parked in front of a Santa Monica Starbucks for approximately 3 months before being towed off (owing over $40,000 in parking tickets) in January.

Inside the van, an inquisitive tow-truck driver found several binders full of writing about Russell Crowe. He also found a generator and several wires which the FBI later decided had been linked to video cameras with powerful zoom lenses. The cameras were never found. The tow truck driver insists that "I never saw no JVC SnoopMaster 5000 cameras with no 7000mm zoom lenses worth at least a year's pay in that van!"

When Russell Crowe's agent, George Forman, refused to pay for a look at the binders full of Crowe-related writing, the binders were tossed into a dumpster on Hollywood Blvd, where they were discovered by several FBI-wannabes, who had decided to stake out Hollywood dumpsters in advance of the Oscars, in case last year's Oscar theft was repeated. The wannabes turned the binders over to the FBI and were rewarded with several souvenir FBI baseball caps and treated to instant coffee and day-old donuts in the FBI cafeteria, once they were released from the interrogation cells.

Upon thorough examination and lots of thought, the FBI decided that the binders contained a plot to kidnap and torture Crowe. The plot was coded so that it looked like an amateur screenplay.

After a huge amount of debate and bitch-slapping among almost every single female FBI agent in the US, it was decided that Russell Crowe would be informed and interviewed by an all-male group of FBI agents.

Mr. Crowe was in Australia at the time the plot was discovered, and refused to fly to LA in order to be interviewed. The FBI considered this to be suspicious behavior, but not suspicious enough to be worth the cost of sending a squad of agents clear to Australia.

Crowe had plans to fly back to the US for an awards ceremony in LA. The FBI intercepted him at LAX and confiscated his luggage. They were shocked to find that his baggage included one bag filled entirely with underwear (Crowe claimed that he has trouble with 'disappearing underwear' when he stays in hotels) one bag filled with books and CD's (the FBI is still checking closely into some of the more suspicious CD's) and only one bag with actual clothing in it, consisting of one blue plaid flannel shirt, one pair of jeans, and one invoice for a "Young Kenmore Man's Complete Wardrobe" from the El Segundo branch of Sears. Crowe's baggage also included 24 cases of Australian beer.

The strange nature of Crowe's baggage led the FBI to decide that they needed to do an extensive interrogation. They took him to the FBI office in Los Angeles, and left him alone in an interrogation room for approximately an hour, while fighting broke out in the hallways between the more aggressive female FBI agents and an associate of Mr. Crowes, known only as Marcus, who had stationed himself outside the door of Mr. Crowe's interrogation room. Eventually, after apologizing to the embarrassed and amazed male FBI agents, Marcus was forced to spray the female agents with an unknown substance, from a can labeled "Anti-TEL." The female agents were subdued and returned to their assignments in the cafeteria.

When the agents finally entered the interrogation room, they found Crowe apparently asleep. When they were unable to rouse him, they called to his associate, Marcus. Marcus entered the room growling under his breath. He leaned over the unconscious form of Crowe, grabbed him by the shoulder and seemed to be pinching him at the base of his neck. Whatever he was doing was hidden from the FBI agents under Crowe's long and unruly hair. Suddenly, Crowe sat up straight and said, "Nice to meet ya, mate! Got any VB?" Marcus rolled his eyes and walked out of the room, muttering.

The FBI agents spent several hours attempting to question Crowe, but no matter what questions the FBI asked, Crowe kept replying with the same phrases, over and over.

"Meg is a beautiful and courageous woman," he said. "I grieve the loss of her companionship, but I haven't lost her friendship."

"The problem in the United States is that we were putting out a hostage negotiation movie at Christmas time."

"At the moment, it's just some gigantic mountain in front of me and I'm staring up at it thinking, 'Maybe they've got the wrong bloke'."

"She's a brave and beautiful woman with a brilliant mind and I grieve for her companionship. But we are still friends."

''I don't know if I'm more surprised at my nomination this year or I was more last year, but I'm very serious about that".

"Hollywood is a house of cards. You must keep paying attention to where the wind is blowing."

"She is a gorgeous creature and I grieve the loss of her companionship, but I have not lost her friendship. We talk frequently."

The agents were preparing to tie Crowe to his chair and force him to watch old newsreel footage of J. Edgar Hoover (their ultimate threat!) when Marcus knocked on the door and asked if he could come in and explain something to them.

Crowe muttered, "Idiotic, imbecilic and impolite."

The exhausted and frustrated agents agreed to listen to what Marcus had to say.

After apologizing for not revealing this sooner, Marcus told the dumb-founded agents that the Crowe they had spent nine hours interrogating was actually a clone. "A cheap Bulgarian knock-off, fueled on Victoria Bitter," is how he phrased it.

"Thirty Odd Foot of Grunts," Crowe announced, "Bastard Life or Clarity. www.gruntland.com."

Marcus sneered at the Crowe Clone. "Y'see, Mr. C. is supposed to make all these appearances all over Europe for that movie he made, "Proof of Lips." But he was having too good a time hanging with his mates and just being a cattlebloke, so when his agent called and told him that the National Enquirer had got hold of some crap about him being a target for a kidnapper, he remembered some nutzo Bulgarian fellas who talked to him one night in a bar in London while he was there researching the K&R thing. He still had their card in the pocket of his blue flanny, so he called them and asked if they were still making clones."

"I wandered wonder's wasteland alone," crooned Crowe.

"Since he was really not looking forward to getting asked the same stupid and ignorant questions over and over in Europe, not to mention making himself a kidnap target, he decided to order a clone to do the boring stuff for him, so he could stay home and serenade his dogs and his cows and stuff."

"I'm stuck at Folsom Prison and time keeps draggin' on." the Crowe Clone sang.

"Them Bulgarians ain't the best cloners, I think. This one is programmed for that tour of Italy and Spain and stuff, but Mr. C. decided to test it out on this award show, since they usually try to make him sit around for hours without smoking and if you've ever been around him in that situation, it's not a pretty thing. Anyway, this is a cheap clone, and its programming got screwed up on the plane, when some kid was playing some souped up version of Pokeman GameBoy or something...it suddenly lost all the programming for the Golden Gloves awards and started spouting the Italian tour stuff." Marcus shrugged.

"I just called Mr. C. and he told me to tell you that maybe you could let the clone check into the Hotel BelAir as a decoy so him and his mates could come to town and do this award thing and then leave as quick as possible, if you don't mind. They'll be staying at the recording studio, where no kidnappers would ever think to look and besides, its got great security. And he says if the kidnappers manage to get a hold of the clone, let them keep him. If they can't keep him in VB, he'll just go fallow anyway."

Bambi's source says that the FBI couldn't get the Crowe clone out of their offices fast enough. And that's why the FBI is publicly stating that there IS a plot, and allowing extensive coverage of their plans to stop the kidnapping and protect Crowe.

Bambi Farstucker

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Bambi Farstucker Reports Exclusive!!
Crowe Threatened by Sinister Forces
3/4/01

Bambi Farstucker
www.b.farstucker.com
1-800-BAMBI TALKS

Your faithful reporter (and future well-paid spokesmodel) has just uncovered the fact that the life and well-being of Gladiator Hunk Russell Crowe has been threatened by sinister forces.

Hunky Crowe was recently in England for the BAFTUB awards (where he was out-dueled by a kid in a tutu) and was under very heavy police protection.

According to secret Scotland Yard documents (obtained secretly from a very hunky Scotland Yard file clerk and future Chief Detective) Crowe was threatened by a global conspiracy called Beau-vine.

This shadowy organization was recently discovered, thanks to an anonymous source who forwarded suspicious emails to Scotland Yard, where they were discovered by a very alert and handsome file clerk.

The emails indicated that British members of Beau-vine were plotting with Australian members of Beau-vine to kidnap Crowe and hold him as a prisoner indefinitely.

Plans were discussed for a massive stampede of British Beau-vines at the BAFTUB awards, scattering spectators, and carrying Crowe off to an unknown location, where he would be at the mercy of the British Beau-vines and their sordid and unsavory desires.

Apparently, the Australian branch of Beau-vine was concerned that if Crowe were kidnapped, he would be infected with some kind of virus, which they referred to under the code name "Hoof and Mouth" and would never be allowed to return to Australia.

It is thought that the incriminating emails were leaked by the Australian branch of Beau-vine. The only message from the anonymous source of the leaked email reads, "The bloke can be an aggro and a wanker at times, but he keeps us in tucker."

When your reporter contacted Crowe's publicist for confirmation of this story, the publicist sputtered into the phone and must have shorted it out, so no comments were made.

Bambi Farstucker

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An Intercepted Email Regarding Russell Crowe's Kidnapping.
Sunday, 03/04/01

We have been investigating the Crowe Kidnapping and have rounded up the Usual Suspects....

Meg Ryan: jilted ex-lover
Motive: Angry that he did not curl up in a fetal position and die after tossing her out like yesterday's trash which damaged her reputation as "america's sweetheart"
Alibi: Currently, trying to woo Hugh Jackman on the set of her new movie in New York using hair products and her patented scrunching facial features in a vain attempt to show the world that "I am too desirable!" Her prevous alibi was that she was at home baking cookies for her son. But that alibi was found out to be untrue. Conclusion: We believe she could have hired someone to do the job and to take the blame because that seem to fit with her usual modus operandi. She displays Psychotic tendencies and apparent drug usage. Suspect narcotics of some kind in her lip gloss that would account for the heavy usage.

Dennis Quaid: ex-jilted lover's ex-husband
Motive: Revenge! Maybe the parade of woman he's been seen with is a cover. Could he be seething in anger? Plotting his revenge!
Alibi: We will be questioning all beautiful woman in Hollywood. Certain more than a few will vouch for his whereabouts. Or we could study the dates from all the thank you notes he's been faxing, writing, and emailing to Crowe. Conclusion: He definitely has the means, the motive is shaky, hmm...now for opportunity that's tricky...He and his brother Randy are pretty close. And quite frankly - putting it in technical terms - Randy seems one can short of a six pack. Could Randy have been in London? This must be checked out!

Femdogs: twisted, fanatic, intelligent, feminist beatches
Motive: Sex-Slave Opportunity: This organization's web stretches around the globe. This could have been an international plot which was started from the highest point in the Femdog organization--Roon!!!!
Conclusion: This group is intelligent, wily and did I mention horny!!!! Previously we were watching them during the "Succubus Scare". There were numerous references to "saving him". Crowe was especially vulnerable during the "Tonight Show" visit. We had men posted all over the place. We tried to jump start the situation and had Crowe say non-sensicial things like "moving for lurrve" to see if anyone would snap and nab him. We tried to the same thing in London when we had Crowe affectionatley stroked the poster of Ryan. We figured if that didn't make someone in that group run screaming toward him nothing would. But still nothing, however, we have not ruled them out.

Taylor Hackford (we are not sure of his real name. He also known as Hackforth, Hackword, Hack, Hackworth and Mr. Wigglesworth): Director of Proof of Life
Motive: angry Crowe has been bad mouthing the movie. Could damage director's reputation.
Opportunity: Yes! He and Crowe are on tour together for the movie. He would know his schedule. In our favor is the fact that TH's directing is so bad that it is our belief that he would do just as bad a job directing the kidnappers. Misdirected kidnappers may grab David Morse instead! Especailly if they saw the movie which is highly improbable since most people avoided it and those who did see it were distracted my Meg Ryan's lips and sinking bossom.
Conclusion: Minimal risks for Crowe! Major risks for Morse! (Note: Warn David Morse!)

Guy Pearce - Gifted but not as famous Aussie Actor
Motive: Jealousy! Pearce was in LAC just like Crowe, but yet he is not as famous. Crowe is nominated for Oscar.
Oppportunity: Of course! What else does he have to do?
Conclusion: Again Minimal risk. We believe that time will give him the opportunity to show off his skill.

Mrs. Hugh Jackman
Motive: Angry at Crowe for dumping Ryan right before her husband was to star with Ryan. Thus leaving him vulnerable to Ryan's "innocent", "lip-tugging", "please help me I'm sad" act.
Opportunity: Same as Pierce's
Conclusion: We will watch her, but I have a feeling if we need her for questioning we will know exactly where to find her-on the set of that movie watching her husband. Well that's it for the usual suspects. We'll keep you abreast of any findings.

Sincerly,
Agent Neese Investigator

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Special Newsletter from Bambi Farstucker
2/12/01

SPECIAL NEWSLETTER TO THE BAMBI FAITHFUL!

Your faithful correspondent has been assigned to check out the lyrics of songs played by Thirty Odd Grunts of Feet, Russell Crowe's band.

Bambi was originally directed to the official website, gruntland.com, which told me I needed to plug in my flashlight and asked if I wanted to be flashed or to skip into whatever … Bambi quickly realized that some perverted porn site had taken over the TOGOF name, and she immediately turned her computer off before they snuck a virus in and killed off all of her files.

Your faithful correspondent then found a website called Ultimax Russell Crowe that had all the lyrics to the "Grunts'" songs. Bambi wants to tell you, these are some strange songs, but what can one expect from a band named after flatulence and/or foot odor?

The first one listed is called "Judas Cart" and the lyrics are by Russell Crowe, but the tune seems to have been written by Si Bheag, Si Mhör, whom Bambi assumes is a foreigner of some sort, but is unsure if this Si Si person is male or female. The lyrics are about Crowe's adventures filming "Gladiator" - he mentions a man in a wig (probably that guy with the horrible curly red wig) and not being welcome in his own home, which, of course, is what happened to Maximus (Crowe's character in Gladiator.)

The next song is "Inside Her Eyes" which reveals Crowe's secret desire to be an optometrist.

The third song, "Circus" isn't even written by Russell Crowe! It's by one of the Smothers Brothers and is about the Flying Trapeze movie that Crowe was supposed to make with Jodie Foster before he 'outted' her and she broke his arm.

The next song is "You Treat Me Like Chocolate" which Crowe wrote for Joaquin Phoenix and which Crowe performed as background music in a censored scene from Gladiator (where Emperor Communist gets taken out of his earth-tone toga by his harem of dancing girls.)

Following that is "The Legend of Buried Cable," which is co-written by Crowe's long-time bandmate, Billy Dean Cockrun. In an introduction to this song on their CD, Crowe mentions that it's based on Billy Dean's work experience; Cockrun is a TV cable installer, and he has to install this cable across five lanes of heavy traffic in Sydney. It's a story of his triumph as he makes his cable flow across the street 'like a river' without once harming any of the "Rose of Australia" rosebushes or angering any of the dogs in the moonlight.

It's the next song that is a real eye-opener. Called "She's Not Impressed," it's a sad song about how Meg Ryan wouldn't have his babies in Australia because his father never had a steady job. Check out the lyrics:

You know she's gone and left me
Packed her bags and hit the trail
I'd like to get angry, but I see her point of view
If I was her, I would have left long before now
I want babies
I don't provide the safety she needs
To build her nest
She's just not impressed

Next comes a song ("David") about how many people can have the same name.

That's followed by "What Do You Want Me To Forget." which is a lament, promising the Academy of Actors that he's willing to forget them snubbing him last year (by not awarding him an Oscar for "The Insider").

The next song on this list is called "Nowhere" and was written by Crowe and Kevin Durand, a rap singer that Crowe must have taken pity on and helped out by letting him rap on the "Gas Slight" CD.

After that is a Christmas song, called "Eternity."

And then is another song about Meg Ryan, called "Wendy" - here is a sample of the lyrics:

Wendy's lost another boy
She's gotta take her time to adjust her clothes
fall in love again
Flicks through her magazines and sighs
Hey what the hell
They're only men
They're only men
Sometimes she feels a little lonely
Some days go by and all she feels is scared
Wendy's got a little boy and no one else.

That is followed by a song written by Billy Dean Cockrun, called "Kill Me" which is about his hallucinations that women (who scare him 'sh*tless') are trying to kill him with 'vicious lips.'

Next is another lament by Crowe, "Castlebuilder" where he whinges about how he built a big house in Australia for Meg Ryan and she didn't want to live in it.

But the next song is the big bombshell - titled "Danielle" it's obviously written to Nicole Kidman (notice how Danielle and Nicole are both Frenchified versions of men's names - a clever try to hide his true intention.) These are some of the red-hot lyrics:

How long was it last time
We tortured each other
To the point of cryin' when we finally touched
Too late in the day
As we so often do
You know I love you
But do you trust me?
She angles her head
Do you trust me?
I wish I had said
More than I did
Say, more than you know
If I could only trust myself
Our love could grow.

Obviously, Crowe has been tortured by his hidden love for Kidman and the song ends with the repeated line, "Danielle, Danielle, Danny I love you." This is so big, Bambi can hardly wait to turn this amazing news in to her editors at the Mutton Weakly! (She will also be forwarding the story to the Sydney Co-Dependent, who has promised a reward of $10K to anyone who can show that Russell Crowe and Nicole Kidman have been canoodling, OR that Russell Crowe and Tom Cruise have been canoodling, either one!).

Your faithful correspondent,
Bambi Farstucker
www.b.farstucker.com
1-800-BAMBI TALKS
ICQ #69696969696969

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The latest exclusive story from Bambi Farstucker !
Friday, 2/09/01

From the office of the Sydney Co-Dependent

Your faithful correspondent, Bambi Farstucker (www.b.farstucker.com 1-800 BAMBI TALKS ICQ# 6969696969) just received this secret email, smuggled out of the SC-D's offices by a mystery source, Deep Neck... A Bambi Farstucker exclusive!!

=========================================

The office of the Sydney Co-Dependent is in chaos today. Simon Degree III, the senior vice-president and executive editor in chief of SC-D denies ever having said that the S C-D would be a Crowe-Free Zone for a week. "I was maliciously misquoted out of context and never said that," he declared in an editorial. "Why the flying f*ck would I say a stupid thing like that when all tabloid hell is going to be breaking loose in Sydney any day now?" Degree demanded of his minions. "That crap musta come from one of my former Personal Assistants," he declared, 'all of whom have been fired and replaced by younger and more easily-impressed bim..I mean, women."

Degree called an unprecedented full staff meeting this morning, calling in every employee of the SC-D and screaming at them that if they did not "Find Russell Crowe and get him in bed with Nicole Kidman TODAY!" they were all [to be] fired tomorrow.

Several of the Asian cleaning women giggled loudly at Degree's livid face and sputtering spittle until their supervisor yanked them all out of the room.

Degree ranted for almost 15 minutes about how many photos he would need and how many pages they would devote to the "Kidman and Crowe Runaway Romance" until Louis Lane, daily editor, stood up and declared, "Boss, there ain't no romance!"

Lane was fired on the spot, but quickly rehired by Owner-in-chief, Simon Degree II, who had been visiting the offices in order to find out why severance pay for personal assistants had been so high.

"Sonny, shuttup! You look like Mount Saint Vesuvihelens!" croaked the elder Degree. Turning to face Lane, he demanded querulously, "What's going on here?"

"Well, sir," Lane began, "it seems that Nicole Kidman .."

"That tall redhead from that Batman movie???" asked Degree II.

"Yes, sir, that one," answered Lane. "Well, she is married to Tom Cruise …"

"That fly boy with the toothy grin in Top Gun? Same one who tied up traffic here in Sydney making some spy movie last year?" inquired Degree II.

"The very same," affirmed Lane. "But they just announced they were separating. Then right away, Tom filed for divorce, so everyone thinks something really REALLY 'horrifyingly illicit' must have happened to cause this sudden split, specially cause we just ran a whole 4-page romantic pictorial in our Sunday edition about how they repeated their wedding vows at Christmas."

"So why's my boy yacking about some crow?" asked Degree II.

"Well, sir, he seems to think that Russell Crowe may have been involved somehow …"

"Russell Crowe?" asked a perplexed Degree II. "What movies has he been in?"

"Gladiator"

"The Insider"

"The Sum of Us"

"LA Confidential"

"Romper Stomper"

Voices from all around the room called out titles of Russell Crowe movies.

"Wait just a gold-darned minute here!" demanded Degree II. "I've seen all those movies. You telling me that that same boy was in all those movies? He must have been one of the background guys or something …"

"No, sir," Lane informed him, "he was actually the star of all of them, pretty much."

Degree glared at Lane suspiciously. "That skinhead Hitler boy from Romper Stomper was the Gladiator? That fat scientist nerd from The Insider was the same guy as Jack Thompson's poncy son in The Sum of Us?"

"Yes, sir, he was." Lane told him.

Degree II scratched his head in wonder. "And now you say he stole that @#%$-eating grinner's woman?"

"Not actually, sir," Lane tried to explain. "You see, Crowe is a close friend of both Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, so your son thought maybe he may have been 'too close' to one or the other of them, if you know what I mean …"

Degree II swatted at Lane with a wrinkly liver-spotted hand, "You don't have to tell ME what you mean, laddie! I've been in the tabloid business for 50 years! I can smell a rat when I see one!"

Lane said, "Well, actually, sir, there doesn't seem to be any rat to smell. Crowe hasn't been seen with either of them since before Christmas, except for that Golden Globes knees-up in Los Angeleees, and no one then saw anything happen between any of the three of them, so it's kind of difficult to point a finger at Crowe, if you know what I mean."

Degree II glared at Lane. "Boy, let me tell you a thing or two about this business. It ain't journalism. You ain't gonna be required to prove anything…all you gotta do is say what you want! Do we have any pictures of Crowe with that redhead woman?"

"No, sir, not any recent ones, anyway," Lane told him.

"Who gives a swinging f*ck if they're recent? And with the way that Crowe boy changes his looks, we can use any old picture of that redhead with any man in the world and claim it's Crowe! Use some sense here!! Think of the money he's saving us!"

Lane looked dubious. "So you want us to try to find a story connecting them," he asked Degree II.

Degree II roared, "Screw finding a story! Show some initiative! Make something up!! What do you think I hire writers for? And why else do we pay all those geeks in the Photo Manipulation Department??" Turning back to his son, he hollered, "Sonny! Take your hands outta that girl's shirt before I have to pay more money on out-of-court settlements than you're worth! And go fix me a Vegemite sandwich, I'm feeling all frisky all of a sudden! This reminds me of the good old days, when we didn't even have to leave the office to write eye-witness accounts!"

Bambi Farstucker

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The Scoop from Equina
2/9/01

Equina Pheecees here with an EXTRA big Friday scoop. My inside sources have intercepted a series of memos sent to all the Academy voters from the imperial powers of the Hollyweird Press Association. Equina feels obligated to spill this truth-challenged, confidential, and personal information to the entire world - its just my job. Here are the mysterious memos:

Memo #1
To: All Academy Award voters
From: daFamily of Hollyweird Press (names changed to protect the guilty - EP)
Subject: Best Actor Award - 2001

You will be voting for any of the nominees except for Mr. Russell Crowe. We would appreciate your cooperation in this matter. If you ever want any good press again you will heed our suggestions. Remember, we are experts in ..ahem..character..ahem..assassinations.

We want to head off the following voter objections; but gee, you say, I felt so bad for not voting for him for last year's obviously superior performance. Last year the movie was just not popular enough. This year it's too popular?

Our response : Now see here. We have mortgages, we must eat. Most of the other nominees will give us great copy anytime we want. We don't care if what they say is sincere, or even relevant, as long as it sells, we're happy. And if Russell loses, we can also pair him with some new tart and sell lots of papers and mags. Besides, Russell Crowe is young. He's the world's best act..uh,..we mean he'll have other chances to win the Award after he learns to play our game.

Some of you voters will say, but we're women (and gay men). What can we do? Our response: We have enclosed a new product Hormguard, that taken daily for the next month will counter the effects of Crowe's elevated TEL. This product will have the additional positive effect of decreasing your incessant drooling, thereby lowering your dry cleaning bills. We're not telling you who to vote for, we're just telling you to consider your future.

Memo #2
To:Press Assn
From: Academy Voters

But why are you doing this?

Memo #3
To: Academy Voters
From: Press Assn

We need reasons?? Oh, all right.

1) We can't have him smiling, can we? That would negate the surly bad boy image we have worked so hard to manufacture.

2) He is out of control. Our control that is. We can't have that.

3) If he wins this year, you may have to give him statues two years in a row. He's gonna nail that Nash character.

4) Our CEO whined like Commodus about Crowe saying, "and now my mistress likes Russell, and not me!!". Frankly, we're tired of it. After additional consideration, we're going to require all of you to sign confidentiality agreements regarding these memos. No, not LA Confidentiality. What do you mean why? Didn't you see the Insider? Guess not. Oh, just take the pills. And remember we're watching, and listening, and photographing, and bugging and....

Memo #4
To: Press Assn
From : Academy Voters

Dear Press "people", Kiss our collective as@#es!
Love, The women voters
(and a few gay men)

So that's the scoop for today folks. Adios muchachos and keep your heels down.

Equina Pheecees

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Exclusive Report from Bambi Farstucker
Wednesday, 2/07/01

Exclusive by Bambi Farstucker
www.b.farstucker.com
1-800-BAMBI TALKS
ICQ#696969696969

This reporter has just been exclusively informed that Russell, (Gladiator, Proof of Hormones) Crowe wrote a song for Joaquin (Gladiator, Quill Yards) Phoenix.

It was revealed by a disillusioned former close friend of Crowe's that the song, "You Treat Me Like Chocolate" was dedicated to Phoenix, whom Crowe refers to as "My Sweet Chocolate Prince."

The former close friend said that "Russy wrote it for Joaqqy while they were making Gladiator in Yalta." Crowe was attempting to get Phoenix to relax and encourage him to stop whinging about the lack of earth tones in his Emperor Communist costumes.

"Joaqqy was making Russy crazy," the former friend disclosed. First he hated his blue costume, but Crowe calmed him by telling him the color was not navy blue but marine blue. When Phoenix wailed 'what difference does it make what branch of the service it is?' Crowe corrected him by showing him in a dictionary that 'marine' refers to the sea. "The sea is part of the earth, right, mate? So Marine blue is earthy, and Bob's your uncle."

Phoenix was convinced but still confused, since his uncle's name was Crag, not Bob.

Later, Phoenix was unhappy with his maroon costume, until Crowe explained, "Haven't you ever heard of the Maroon Islands, mate? Magnificent area…and you're just like one of the natives there, a Moroon! Very earthy people."

Phoenix was hoping that his final costume as Emperor Communist would be a deep earthy brown color, but director Ripley Scott demanded that the costume be white. Phoenix destroyed his original white costume, hoping to avoid having to wear it, but Crowe stepped in, offering his personal Egyptian cotton sheets to be used to make another white costume for Phoenix.

"White, mate - it's like … snow, ya know? Very very natural - snow falls to earth all the time!"

Ripley and Crowe conspired to get Phoenix to wear the white costume by promising to shoot a scene in Phoenix's preferred brown costume. The scene, in which Emperor Communist visits his harem and canoodles with various concubines, was left on the cutting room floor (but may be available soon at ebay).

Crowe sang the song as background music for the scene, crooning lyrics like:

"You treat me like chocolate
just unwrap it
You treat me like chocolate
Just have at it"

...while the actresses hired to perform as concubines slowly seduced Phoenix, who at first tried to have the words changed to "You treat me like carob" but soon abandoned that demand in a flurry of canoodles.

Both Crowe's publicist and Phoenix's publicist burst into gales of laughter when contacted to confirm this report. Neither was capable of speaking coherently, so no comments were made.

Bambi Farstucker

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National Enema Exclusive - from the desk of Elmer Soundview himself!
Russell Crowe's Secret Love
Sunday, 2/04/01

The National Enema was shocked to hear of Russell Crowe's secret passion. No, not America's Sweetheart Meg Ryan, but none other than his "Gladiator" co-star Joaquin Phoenix.

For years, there have been whispered rumours of Russ's homosexuality. He even played a gay man in the Australian film "The Sum of Us." The veil of hetersexuality was dropped when Russ talked lovingly of Joaquin at the "Critics Choice Awards." Russell lovingly called Joaquin " my beautiful, sweet, chocolate prince" and noted that he (Russ) wished Joaquin "was here because he's just gotta learn that he cannot hide anymore-everyone knows."

Insiders on the "Gladiator" set say that the homoerotic tone of the movie is to blame for the clandestine romance. The coliseum was filled with phallic shaped statues, spikes coming out of the walls and, not to mention, Maximus and Commudus impaling each other with knives. The internet's foremost Christian Betty Bowers noted this in her "Gladiator" review :

Mrs. Bowers counted 86 salacious "genital bulge" shots -- 7 of which were in a decidedly turgid state. In fact, there may well have been more, but Mrs. Bowers was so utterly overwhelmed by how the character Maximus lived up to his name, she simply lost count.

The movie is confected of two things notoriously homosexual: (a) sweaty, muscular men impaling each other within moments of meeting; and (b) an exquisite placement of period furniture.

Russell has been a recent favorite of National Enema's readers due to his relationship to Meg (is my husband around?) Ryan. Those in the know say that Russell was attracted to Meg because he thought she was in the middle of a sex change. "The adam's apple, man hands, feet and walk sure fooled Russell" noted his friend Norm Schull. Before the holidays, Russ learned that Meg really was a woman and broke the relationship off.

Other friends of Joaquin and Russell scoff at the rumours. "Russ is the most hetersexual man I've ever met" states a close friend. "Russ walks into a room and womens' panties drop and Russ takes full advantage of this power." Joaquin's agent states "Joaquin is terribly vexed by the rumours and as a life-time vegetarian has an aversion to meat in any form."

What then is the meaning behind the term "my beautiful sweet chocolate prince?" Sources close to Russ and Joaquin say it's a inside joke started while filming the final climatic fight scene in "Gladiator." Commodus has on an all white suit that, on Joaquin, reminded Russ of a giant, white chocolate easter bunny. When reached for comment , Crowe's publicist laughed and told us to "get a f!@#ing life."

Elmer Soundview

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National Enema Exclusive - (stolen clean from the Mutton Weakly)
The Sydney Co-Dependent Declares a "Crowe-Free Zone"

(Article from the Mutton Weakly)
Jan 2001

Unwilling to admit their total and complete frustration, the Sydney Co-Dependent has issued a statement declaring themselves to be a "Crowe-Free Zone" for the next week.

Inside sources tell correspondent Bambi Farstucker (www.b.farstucker.com 1-800 BAMBI TALKS ICQ# 6969696969) that the real reason behind the SC-D's decision to 'ignore' Crowe stems from the fact that they have not been able to find anything malicious to print about him.

"What the f*ck are we supposed to do, print that he loves his mum and is nice to kids? What kind of sales can we expect to get with crap like THAT on the front page?" demanded Simon Degree III, the senior vice-president and executive editor in chief of SC-D, from his palatial office in suite 264 of the Hotel Sea Air.

It fell to Louis Lane, daily editor of the SC-D to explain to Degree III why their usually extremely creative staff had not been able to come up with any suitably salacious pseudo-stories about Crowe for that week's edition.

"We've had free-lance snakes, I mean sneaks posted all around the perimeter of his NSW property, and all we can come up with is that he is seems awfully interested in the welfare of his cows," Lane sniveled.

Degree III ranted animatedly in a staff meeting as Lane continued, "We flew heli's over his property and got pictures of people in his pool."

Rumor has it that SC-D staffers came to blows regarding what caption would run below this photo of Russell Crowe; two female journalists were arrested for brawling, but were released on bond.

"We pulled every string we could find (including several hanging off the bottom of Crowe's favorite flanny, Old Blue) but we couldn't get any of our people into his annual New Year's Non-Wedding Party, nor could we convince any of the departing guests (all of whom wore new flannies and appeared to be slightly hungover, but very happy) to talk about the suspiciously non-nuptial celebration."

Degree III pounded his pudgy fists on the top of his $35,000 Roman marble desk as he vented his frustration, fueled by countless Frito-pies flown in exclusively for him from Austin, Texas.

Lane ducked under a flying bag of chili-laden Fritos and continued, "We followed him all around Sydney while he was promoting the release of a new CD by his band, Thirty Odd Grunt of Feets (aka TOGOF) but all we got were blandly philosophical statements about having to make changes in your life by yourself and holding on to dreams."

"We did consider it odd when he clutched a floor mop throughout an interview at the premiere of his new CD, Bastard's Life on Charity," Lane commented, much to the interest of Degree III, "but we were unable to obtain the mop afterwards, and thus were unable to confirm reports that the mop may have been an effigy of a former girlfriend." Degree III moaned loudly and demanded the instant firing of 20 male interns and the canceling of Christmas.

"We can't even get any pictures of him standing anywhere near any female under the age of 55 or over the age of 12! How the f*ck are we supposed to fabricate any pictures of him if he won't even get near anyone in his own age bracket?" Degree III demanded of his myriad personal assistants, (many of whom went to the same modeling school as your faithful correspondent, Bambi Farstucker -- see above for contact information).

Lane attempted to placate his irate boss by informing him that the SD-C's staff was sparing no expense in attempting to access known Internet pictures of the nefarious Crowe cavorting with farm animals. Degree III silenced him quickly by means of hitting him directly between the beady little eyes with a half-used jar of Vegemite. "I don't want to hear any more about internet pictures!" he roared. "The Sydney Harbour Slime already scooped us with those year-old pictures of Crowe with that free Love broad they found on the internet! Why didn't OUR people find those pictures?" he demanded, spittle spraying from his pouty swollen lips.

Lane quickly backed out of the room, mumbling something about perch and RCBM missiles and invisigoths, and promising to find SOMETHING salacious about Crowe for next week's issue.

Respectfully submitted,
Bambi Farstucker
Free-lance correspondent and model
frequent contributor to The Mutton Weakly
www.b.farstucker.com
1-800 BAMBI TALKS
ICQ 6969696969

Bambi Farstucker

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The National Enema's Outstanding Staff of Intrepid Tabloid Journalists

Bambi Farstucker - © Babzee / The Crowes Perch
Elmer Soundview - © Mistress Mad / Russell Crowe's Beautiful Minds
Equina Pheecees - © Secretariat 7 / The Crowes Perch
© Neese / Russell Crowe's Beautiful Minds

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