Bitch Ballads and Other Compositions

Some Barbarians don't care what Our Leader, Russell Crowe, does in his personal life. He could become a woman and call himself Russia Crowe, for all they care, just as long as he keeps making movies. But many do care, care very much, because they want him to be the very best he can be in all aspects of his life. So far, this Ms. Ryan crisis has our man looking a little on the subpar side of the ledger, so these Barbarians feel. Whether they have the right to think so or to comment on it is beside the point; they think they do, and they will comment. And because they are vociferous by nature, they do more than comment; they bitch. Loudly. And they write down how they feel about it, too. Repeatedly. Here are just some of the droppings from their Bitchy quills.

Contents

Songs by the underground band 30 Odd Groans of Disgust

Nowhere	The Bad Aussie Blues Song
Meggie	It Wasn't Me!
I'll Never Be A Bitch Again	I Got Integrity!
The Meg Ryan / Russell Crowe Song

Poems by the underground poets Bitches R Us

Zen Cabbage

The Dance

Russ Dr. Seuss

Musings by the writers of the underground Bitch Press The Bitch Herald-Gazette

The Gift of the sMegi

How The Unholy Alliance Really Ended

Versions of Proof of Life We're Glad We Didn't See

Tabloid Stories You May Have Missed

Movie Odz & Enz

Artwork by the underground artist formerly known as "B"

A Haka Chorus Line

A Starbucks Fairy Tale

The Bitch Creed

I'm a Bitch

Songs by the underground band
30 Odd Groans of Disgust

Nowhere

What's in LA for an Aussie boy like you?
What can you get that you can't find here,
'cept bad cabbage....

Your macho charm's not a currency round there,
So you buy a beamer, shag a skank, end a marriage...

You know the one...
All hair and bones and bad acting...
When she finds you, God help you boy....

Tabloids follow on, follow on, follow on....

Meggie

Meggie's got a little boy
Someone to keep in mind but she doesn't
She had a husband who cared,
But she found a man down in the jungle.

Now don't you put her down
She tried to do her hair
Sometimes things don't come out
Quite Quite Quite the way we styled them
Quite the way we styled them, oh no.

Meggie needs a little sex
Dress her toy up
Take him out on parade
All those photogs they stop and stare
Hey Look Meggie's playing slutty again

Sometimes she feels a little h----
Some days go by and all she wants is more
Meggie's got a little boy and a new toy
Sometimes sex is just too much for her

Meggie's lost her little boy
She's gotta take her time to adjust her clothes, find a new lawyer.
Shakes out her cabbage hair and sighs
Hey what the hell
It's only a kid
A trophy kid

Sometimes she feels a little h----
Some days go by and all she wants is sex
Meggie's got a new boy toy and no one else....

I'll Never Be A Bitch Again (to the tune of "Never Be Alone Again")
I'll never be a bitch again
That you boinked Meg makes me weeeeak
But I'll always be your fan
Come tabloid rags and Casablancas
Tepid riffs and more cole-slaw snacks
You'll never be alone, 'cause I love your fine ass...

I Got Integrity! (to the tune of "She's Not Impressed")

I know they've gone and left me
Packed their bags and hit the trail
I'd like to get angry, but I'm just not smart enough
If I was them, I would keep on the rose colored glasses
I GOT INTEGRITY!
I don't know why they can't see it
Can't see me like I do
They're just not impressed

There's a banner up in the crowd
The date of Aug. 18th
I really wish I could have taken it down
When I don't deserve it
I hope I won't be punished
For this praise just ain't just
I'm destined to be attracted to those I cannot equal
I don't know why they can't see it
Can't see me like I do
They're just not impressed

I can feel this inadequacy burning in me
You look at me and wish it away

My friends have got integrity
so I thought I did too
So I'm shouting at the fans
Looking for that one with my personal view
I panic when I see myself
I am not half the man my daddy was
In his life, one wife, two very troubled kids
And 57 jobs
I GOT INTEGRITY!
Just not right now
I GOT INTEGRITY!
Just not right now
Just not right now
No, just not right now
I can feel this inadequacy burning in me
You look at me and wish it away...

The Bad Aussie Blues Song
Oh yeah.
Ever' thing, ever'thing, ever'thing gonna be all right this mornin'
Now when I was a lad
About the age of five
My mamma said
Gonna be the greatest thang alive
Now I'm a man-leastways,
I play one onscreen.
I'm the Aussie cocksmith
Make girlies & gay guys scream.
Chorus:
I'm A MAN!
It's spelled M, A, (chile),N
No B, O, chile, Y
I'm a nat'chal born lover man
I got a sword
I got a smile
I'll stab ya baby
For the longest while.
Flex my upper arm
Hold in my gut
Won't bring ya harm
Just look at my bodacious butt!
Repeat chorus
When I take off my shoes
I lose an inch or two
I'm light in the armor,
And my hair's full of goo
Pick up my gun,
Clack go the bolt
Focus my wooky eye
I'm comin' straight at you.
Chorus & live fade (what bands do when they can't write an ending)

"It Wasn't Me!"

SHAGGY, “It wasn’t me” was just remixed by Russell Crowe and the Reverend Billy Dean Cochran

Russell: Hey Mate! (hearing knocking in the background)
Dean: Hey
Russell:Open up mate
Dean: What do you want mate?
Russell: My slag just caught me
Dean: You let her catch you?
Russell: I don't know how I let this happen
Dean: With who?
Russell: That Peta girl next door, you know? Mate...
Russell:I don't know what to do
Dean: Say it wasn't you
Russell: (Alright)

*** SONG STARTS ***

Meggie came in and she caught me red-handed
boinking with that blonde next door
Picture this we were both butt-naked
Banging on the caravan floor
How could I forget
That I had given her an extra key
All this time she was standing there
Her big lips flapping in the breeze

(dean starts a rap)

How you can grant the succubus access to your villa
Trespasser and a witness while you cling on your pillow
You better watch your back before she turn into a killer
Best for you and the situation better put back the wiener
To be a true c*cksmith you have to know how to play
If she say you are, convince her- say you’ll never stray
Never admit to a word when she say makes a claim
And you tell her not my baby no way

But her career was sinking lower
(no excuse)
The Quaid wound up on a mower
(no excuse)
Sale of POL couldn’t have been slower
(no excuse)
I think this grand friendship is over

(Dean with another rap)

Make sure she knows it's not you and lead her on
Take her shopping, strolling and this is what will happen next
As funny as it be by you, it not that complex
Seein' is believin', I know from the Santa Monica pics
You know she’s gonna be worrying bout things from the past
Always recollecting and then she'll want to kick you’re a**
Your answer: go over there but if she packs a gun You know you better run fast

But she heard rumors about me and Dani
(It wasn't me)
I am as careful as I can be
(It wasn't me)
She knew about the New Year’s Eve Partee
(It wasn't me)
Shite, I think sMeg is stalking me
(It wasn't me)
I said she was a “great actress”
(it wasn’t me)
No one got I was being a smart ass
(it wasn’t me)
Meg mistook me for serious
(it wasn’t me)
Mate, her bony a** is rather hideous

RUSSY IN A SING-SONGIE VOICE:

Tell the people that I am sorry for all the antiques I bought
I was listening to her Swami
He made no sense at all

Felipe (lyric doctor) - Russell Crowe's Beautiful Minds (Femdog)

* * *

"The Meg Ryan / Russell Crowe Song"

Though widely heard on the internet, no one has been able to identify the lyricists or performers of this song. If anyone knows, please email us so that the writer can be credited (if you go to the Nation Divided page, and wait 6 months for the file to download, you can hear it in its entirety).

From the first time I saw your face
on the set of Innerspace
thought it would always be like this
Just like Kurt and Goldie
or Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker
a picture of Hollywood wedded bliss

But it was not to be
you left me for that dirty stinking RC
that skinheaded, Gladiating fool
Ten Thousand Odd Foot of Tool

Now I'm mowing lawns on a ride-on lawnmower
while you ride on Russell Crowe
Meg Ryan, I'm cryin over you

You built an empire out of romantic comedies
Sleepless In Seattle, Courage Under Fire
and When Harry Met Sally
You got famous in that restaurant scene
but I didn't see you coming
but tell me baby
were you faking it with me?

Now I'm mowing lawns on a ride-on lawnmower
Meg, 'cause you ride on Russell Crowe
Meg Ryan, I'm cryin over you

What was it baby?
Was it 'cause he was in Virtuosity?
That shouldn't be a selling point!
You can take it from me, take it from me
How is he baby
when he gets you in the bed?
All reports are he's Quick and the Dead

Now I'm mowing lawns on a ride-on lawnmower
'cause you ride on Russell Crowe

I'd like to bury him up to his head
in the grass then make him dead
teach him a lesson that he'll never forget
I'm gonna get him w/ a triton and a net

I'm crying over you....

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Poems by the underground poets
Bitches R Us

Zen Cabbage (A Haiku)

I want the macho man,
A toss of my cabbage head;
He is whipped.
They say I was dumped,
There must be public kissing.
He grovels; I am smug.
Oh Cabbage Head!
Beware the angry bitch Horde!
They kill for Russ.
We must ravish him;
The Horde rides to save you,
Beautiful man!

The Dance (?)

Brain addled by lust;
The world got a glimpse of
The Fat Boy Dancing

Russ Dr. Seuss

I love my cows.
I love my mum.
I hate the pooploids --
They are dumb!
My cows make poop,
But it's organic!
Pooploid poop
Is more gigantic!
Pooploids claiming to talk to my mates,
Pooploid creepsters at my gates,
Pooploids flying in the air,
Pooploids here and pooploids there!
I think I'll stay under the marquee
Until the pooploids shrivel.
I'll toast my mates and have a partee
While pooploids dream up drivel.
So raise a glass and toast your friends
As year 2000 finally ends.
It's been a year of dark and light
We pray the next year will be bright!
We hope for a beautiful mind
And a film that's worthy of praise.
We wish for a year that will find
Us watching beloved cows as they graze.

Babzee / The Crowe's Perch / Beautiful Minds

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Musings by the writers of the underground Bitch Press
The Bitch Gazette

The Gift of the sMegi
(with sincere apologies to O. Henry)

FADE IN
Exterior: Late Afternoon. Shops on Rodeo Drive. Two figures slowly make their way onscreen. The man is heavyset, bearded, and of an age no longer to be called young. The woman, obviously malnourished, has two-tone hair, and moves in an awkward loping manner. The dress of both excites pity. He wears a threadbare, faded, blue-plaid flannel shirt and jeans. His blunnies are lined with newspaper. She, like street people everywhere, is dressed in whatever pitiful shreds of mismatched clothing she could scavenge from dumpsters. They pause in front of an especially extravagant window displaying antiques and jewelry.

Meg: Oh Russy, look at that beautiful platinum and diamond hair clip! It would shine so brightly in my trendily mussed, blonde curls!

Russ: Meg, look at that wonderful antique cow collar! It's real distressed leather, and dates from a cattle drive in the 1870s!

She lights a cigarette and waves it around dangerously in one of her little white claws. He thoughtfully runs his fingers through his greasy hair, and remakes his spitcurl. Without another glance in the window, they shuffle slowly to the next window.

FADE OUT

FADE IN

Christmas Eve, around dinnertime. Interior, Large House furnished with three of everything. A door slams in the distance and Meg hurries into the living room, still wearing a baggy white coat and a scarf wrapped around her head. She places a small, badly-wrapped package under the tree and leaves the room.

A moment later, another door opens and Russ walks in with an even tinier package. (LOL) He places it under the tree and steps back. Meg re-enters, now wearing scarves.

Russ: Hello luv, supper ready? I could fair murder some tucker right now!

Meg. Vegetable Stew. I only had an onion, but Laura Dern brought me a carrot, and then Hilary Swank stopped by with a potato.

Russ: How IS her husband?

Meg: no, no, a real potato. From Ireland. But let's open our gifts first!

Russ: righty-ho luv.

He reaches under the tree and hands her a small gift. She RIPS it open with her small, unnaturally sharp teeth and finds a small velvet box.

Meg: Russ! The ring…

Russ: er, no……

Meg: (opens it) THE HAIR CLIP! Oh sweetie, it's lovely. (She turns and looks under the tree.) Is that it?

Russ: Shite, isn't that enough.

Meg (a little hysterical, lower lip wobbling): It's never enough….(She masterfully controls her quivering voice) Here, honey. Your gift.

Russ: Thanks…(he opens it slowly. As he takes off the lid of the box, he swallows hard and looks at her…His eyes are wet with unshed tears) Aw, geez, meggums, the antique cow collar!

He reaches to embrace her, but smashes his nose into her collarbone, protruding like a chicken wing from her layers of clothes…Ouch!

Meg: oh sorry.

They smile at each other, then avert their gazes. They speak at once:

Russ: Meg…

Meg: Russ...

Russ: You go first.

Meg: It's just that….I sold my hair to a Flannel factory so I could buy you this cow collar! She pulls off her scarves to reveal a totally shaved head!

Russ: JESUS CHRIST, you look like Sinead fuckin O'Connor! (He calms down) No, on second thought, you look like Telly Savalas…or maybe Mini-me. Well, that's allright luv, it'll grow back, more, er, beautiful than before.

We hear his thoughts: I got a good chance of that statement being right!

Russ: (out loud) It's ok, 'cos I sold me cows to a collagen factory so I could buy you the hair clip!

They rush to embrace, but Meg trips over her scarves and falls headlong into the Christmas tree, knocking it over…

Meg: (sitting up) It attacked me! Why does everyone attack me!

FADE OUT…...

THE END

Miranda © Copyright 2000
Russell Crowe's Beautiful Minds Message Board
Thanks to QT for the great picture of Russ!

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It was a dark and stormy night...

From sMegzilla's trailer came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. She caught his eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. Russell's thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. He grabbed her hand and ran as the hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. They stood on the roof of the church in the middle of the town. "We are like Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor". He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. But fate was not on their side; sMegzilla fell from the roof, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

Donna-Babe / Russell Crowe's Beautiful Minds Message Board

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From the Cutting Room Floor
Versions of POL We're Thankful We Didn't See

A POLobotomy Screenplay in Several Acts:
[Screenplay by] The Eternally Snippy Ms. Ryan

Alice: Janice! Where did you come from? Why aren't you in Denver? Why are you crying?

WAITAMINIT, WAITAMINIT, don't anyone move. . . . . where did my car keys go?

(Rummaging through orange sheets) where did I put them?

You.. . . . .what's your name? Thorne? Have YOU seen my car keys?

Would anyone like a saltine?

Janice. . . . .why on earth are you crying so much?

Maybe I left them in the pantry. Jeezus, where are they? Now I'M gonna start crying. . .

Did I leave them at church this morning? Darn it, I'm going to report this to the American embassy, that'll show those damn brown people who live in my neighbourhood. Mr. Thorne, could you give me a drive downtown to check the church and stop in at the embassy? What do you mean, you have to ask me some questions about my husband?

I don't know if he has any allergies, ask Janice.

Bomb threat? We can't make a report? HOW COME NO ONE ELSE CARES ABOUT MY CAR KEYS?

Mr. Thorne, why do you keep looking at me that way? And why do you spend so much time in front of that radio? All we can get down here in this godforsaken place are Spanish language stations.

Now, look: Cinta's crying too. Janice, look what you've done.

Where'd Janice go?

Cinta, what do you mean, your mother does Marco's laundry? Who's Marco, and what does this have to do with my car keys?

What do you mean, you need me to take out a loan for money to hire a helicopter? What does a helicopter have to do with my missing car keys?

Who are all these people, standing in MY kitchen?

God, that Thorne guy, who does he think he is, kissing me like that? Phh. . . . . .some men . . . You let them swim in your pool and they act like they want you for something.

PETER! Where did you come from?

WAITAMINIT. . . . .Has anyone seen my doll?

Tricia / Russell Crowe's Beautiful Minds Message Board

Another Version of Proof of Life We'll Never See

Scene: Exterior, produce market

Friend:
Alice, Peter's been kidnapped...

Alice (looking dismayed - scrunches nose and furrows forehead):
Oh no..... they're out of apples....

Friend:
Alice, did you hear me? Peter's been kidnapped. This is Terry Thorne. He's going to help you.

Alice (looking somewhat relieved - just scrunches nose):
You're going to help me? Oh thank God.... please help me find the apples. They were right here last week.

Terry:
Um, ma'm, I'm here to look for your husband...

Alice (throwing ciggy about madly):
Oh, why do we need him? He never does the shopping. He has no idea where the apples are. He never helps me at all. He just wants me to learn to speak Spanish.

Dino (aside to Terry):
Forget it. We'll never find this guy. He's probably in the Caymans by now.

Alice:
Oh, I was going to bake a streudel. My apple streudel is WONDERFUL. It's how I caught... I mean how Peter fell in love with me. (*tosses hair as punctuation mark for this statement)

Terry (glint of interest in his eyes):
Streudel, you say?

Dino:
oh f*ck....

Krissy / The Crowe's Perch (Edited by Babzee / Perch)

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Next Week's Headlines! Get Your Poop Scoop Here Before It Hits the Litter Box!

The National Enema

What Inquiring Minds Want to Know...

National Enema Exclusive - Meg Ryan Joins Australian "Survivor" Cast!
Friday, January 12, 2001

Miss Ryan states that she joined to further stretch her acting skills (no more romantic comedies). Insiders have another story to tell. Insiders say that she joined so she could be close to her former love, Russell Crowe, without looking like a stalker.

The breakup of the supercouple has broken Meg's heart. One Survivor contestant notes that at night, when all are around the campfire, Miss Ryan, looking disheveled, walks around alone and aimlessly, ciggie in hand, calling out"Russell, Russell, you've besmirched me" into the cold Australian night.

An insider in the "Survivor " crew states that the breakup is not the cause for the strange behavior. "Meg hair has always looked a mess" says the insider, "and she's always been a bit looney." "Russell Crowe should note be blamed for Meg's oddities."

Another contestant is happy that Miss Ryan is onboard. She states "I love having her here, when she wears that yak jacket all the crocs go in her general direction - as long as I stay away from her I'll survive."

Miss Ryan's long-time PR person Annette Wolf could not be reached to confirm or deny this story - she is currently on her honeymoon with Billy-Bob Thorton.

story contributed by Fleur of Russell Crowe's Beautiful Minds message board

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Movie Odz & Enz

Movie Remakes Meg Ryan Could Never Be Cast In

A Woman of Substance
Pretty Woman
Honor Bound
The Right Stuff
The Virgin Queen
The Age of Innocence
A Family Affair
The Good Wife
Parenthood
Do the Right Thing
Angel Heart
She's All That

Movie Remakes Most Likely to Star Meg Ryan

She's Gotta Have It
Nothing But Trouble
Divorce American Style
Cheaper By the Dozen
The Big Easy
Something Wicked This Way Comes
Munster, Go Home
All Or Nothing
The Awful Truth
Cold Comfort Farm
The Dictator
The Mean Season
Hair
Fast, Cheap & Out of Control
Games
Back Street
ALF
Devil in a Blue Dress
Mask
The Scarlet Letter
Dangerous Liaisons
Jezebel
Ravenous
Cheerleader Ninjas*
Manhunter
The World is Not Enough
The Shaggy Dog

Movie Remakes for Russell Crowe

An Affair to Remember
Of Mice and Men
Much Ado About Nothing
Moonstruck
Sneakers
Fallen
Fatty and the Heiress*
What's Lost Got to Do With It?
Risky Business
Eyes Wide Shut
Dumb & Dumber

* actual titles

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Artwork by the underground artist formerly known as
"B"

Unless mistaken, this photo was taken in Quito, Ecuador during the filming of "Proof of Life" (first published by People Mag). No disrespect was intended towards the Maori people (whose Haka dance was being demonstrated in said photo), to Russell, nor to the crew of POL. However...

The following was submitted by a Barbarian Tribal Leader who chose to remain anonymous:

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The Bitch Creed
(otherwise known as "I'm A Bitch" - author unknown)

I'm a Bitch
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs,
they call me a bitch.
When I stand up for those I love,
they call me a bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts,
or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
Being a bitch means that I am free to be the wonderfull creathure that I am,
with all my own intricacies,
contradictions, quirks and beauty.
Being a bitch means I won't compromise
what'sin my heart. It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak up against it, I am defined as a bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for myself
instead of being everyone's maid, or whe I act a little selfish.
I am proud to be a bitch. It means I have the courage and strength
to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea
of what they think I "should" be.
I am outspoken, opinionated, and determined.
By God, I want what I want,
and there is nothing wrong with that.
So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
I embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

"author unknown"

DISCLAIMER: Well, this page just cries out for a disclaimer, so here it is. We hope and pray that no fan of Russell Crowe's wishes Meg Ryan any real ill will, either physically, mentally, or emotionally (ESPECIALLY not her family, specifically Dennis and Jack Quaid). Some of us just don't like her. Don't like her A LOT. That is not against the law. However, stalking and harassment SHOULD be against the law, and no one dislikes her enough to go anywhere near her. And honestly, who would want to? Any fan's dislike for said Ms. Ryan is directly in proportion to how many Russell Crowe-bashing tabloid pieces of feces are released on a weekly basis. When the tabloids have stopped slinging their shit and printing their lies, when the leaks from Ms. Ryan's PR camp peter out, when the whiny spin that "I dumped him!" ceases and desists, and when said Ms. Ryan stops saying really pithy things like "it's all about soul, isn't it?" then this page will sink quietly into the archives of the Barbarian Horde and disappear, ever to be referred to as Ancient History. We await the day.

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