Dear Kovacsgirl

Author: Kovacsgirl

E-mail: kovacsgirl@yahoo.com

URL: http://www.geocities.com/chicago_kewlkat

Category:  Cast Humor

Rating: PG for innuendoes

Spoilers: Seasons 6/7 

Archive: E-mail me if you want this on your site

Disclaimer: Though I tried to steal the rights for ER last week, I don’t own it.  

Author’s notes: This is funny to me, I don’t know why.  

Summary: The ER cast writes to Kovacsgirl for an answer to their greatest problems.

 

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Dear Kovacsgirl,

          I am a thirty-one year old guy, with a major problem. I have been described as a pretty moral person with a heart of gold. The only thing is, I haven’t been very moral recently.

          A while ago, one of my co-works caught me pilfering drugs, and I was sent to a rehab center. I returned, but I wasn’t cured. I still really want those drugs, and I’ll do anything to get them.

          This has been controlling my life, and I want it to stop! I need help, but I don’t know where to go. Please, please K-girl, help me become normal again. I can’t take it anymore.

---Addicted

 

Dear Addicted:

          Ah, quite a problem. It seems to me that you are using drugs to help your subconscious feeling of guilt, pain, ect. I would suggest that you bath ten times in the River Styx and you’ll be cured. Don’t complain that the trip will cost too much, I know you have the money. Good Luck! Oh, and also, go on a Monday. It’s not as crowded then, and get a permit. The law enforcement of the Underworld is strict about these things!

 

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Dear Kovacsgirl,

          I’ll come right out. I’m dead. I hate it. A schizophrenic man ripped me from the prime of life with a knife. I left behind the man that I truly loved, and whom loved me.

          Is there any way that I might be able to be restored to life? I understand if there is no way, but I really hope that you’ll be able to help me. I love this man so much, I would have easily traded places with him if he were the one to die.

          Please help!

---Dead and hating it

 

Dear Dead:

          Actually, there is a way to reverse the effects of death. You need to go to the top floor of the Angel Office Building. There, three doors down, from the left of the elevator is the Reversal Office. All you have to do is chose someone to die instead of you and you’ll be back in moments. It is important to tell the staff that you don’t want to return as that person, or else you will.

 

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Dear Kovacsgirl,

          I work on a television series about the emergency room. I really love my job, and the pay is great too, but there is one problem. I hardly have any airtime! It’s true! All the time they concentrate on the boring characters like “Mark” and “Benton.” Many people want me to have more airtime, but it just ain’t happening.

          I have tried talking to the producers “Mike” and “Jack” but they don’t listen. That say I don’t have an interesting plot line! Ha! They know very well that the reason behind that is themselves. I could be interesting, if they gave me the chance. But noooooooooo!

          Please convince them that they are wrong. I really need the airtime, since I already have the fans! Oh, and if you got me more time, can you convince them to give me a chance with the cute Chinese girl “Deb”?

---Davie

 

Dear Davie:

          Start a petition and send it to me first. I’ll sign it and all my buddies will too. We’ll get you more airtime!!! Unfortunately, I don’t know about the date with “Deb.” 

 

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Dear Kovacsgirl,

          I don’t believe I am being firm enough with my staff. I am the head of a hos—er, business and I don’t get the respect I deserve. One person helped a patient I told her not to, another gave needles to druggies. The love of my life is marrying an idiot too!!!

          I need a way to get them to listen. I know you can come up with one!

---Taking no crap

 

Dear Taking:

          I’m surprised you were even nice to me in your letter! I don’t believe that any of your “charges” are in the wrong. You are. You need a crash course in manners. Maybe I’ll send you a copy of Emily Post with this reply!

 

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Dear Kovacsgirl,

          I fear for my job. A little while ago, I came out and told my boss about my sexual “preference.” He is a homophobic, chauvinistic, little prick. He is firing my partner already, and I hope that I will not be next. What should I do?

---Fearful

 

Dear Fearful:

          Is your boss by any chance “Taking?” File a lawsuit if you loose you job. In the mean time, read on:

 

Dear Kovacsgirl,

          I am writing this in order to warn others. I have lost many jobs because I’m lesbian. When I lost those jobs, I didn’t fight. Now, I’m telling all the lesbians out there to fight! Fight for those jobs! Expose those homophobic morons who don’t know any better! Fight girls Fight!!!

---Maggie Doyle

 

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Dear Kovacsgirl,

          Recently, all the people I care for have been pushing me away. My mother “Maria”, who for my entire life has needed me, is now going out on her own. My boyfriend “Larry” is talking of seeing other women. My good friend “James” has put a damper on our friendship! What is wrong with me???

---Feeling Hurt

 

Dear Feeling:

          Might it be possible that Maria, Larry, and James are all being pushed away by you? You might have an attitude towards them that they don’t like and don’t feel like dealing with. I think your best bet is to sit down with them and discuss your feelings. Maybe they’ll find out that you can actually be nice!!

 

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Dear Kovacsgirl,

          Why is my last name part of your name?

---Just wondering

 

Dear Wondering:

          Because I want it to be.

 

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Dear Kovacsgirl,

          My ex-wife is fighting with my girlfriend. I love “Cath” so much, but “Candice” is the mother of my son and I don’t want anything too traumatic to happen to him. What should I do?

---Desperate

 

Dear Desperate:

          Well, keep the cats out of the alley. En otre palabras (in other words) don’t let the two get near each other. You’re kinda thick aren’t you?

 

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Dear Kovacsgirl,

          My girlfriend from a while ago is coming back to my town. This would be wonderful, except that I am now happily married with a darling daughter. Before he left I told him that I loved her. I need help!!!

---Married and Scared

 

Dear Married:

          You’re right. You do need help, but not in the romance department. You keep on messing up your pronouns! You aren’t that guy who wrote in about a half a year ago with the brain tumor, are you? If you are, How much of your brain did they take out!?!?!

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“Dear Kovacsgirl” is written by Sarah. If you have a burning question, and need an answer, e-mail her at kovacsgirl@yahoo.com. This column appears in the Two Dot Times.