Warnings : Angst, Twisted ppl with twisted ideas (no I am not talking about me! *glare*), Harsh language and the first chapter is lemonish while the last chapter is Lemon *goes red* Ah almost forgot there's probably some OOC in there too *nods*
I'll let you get on with the fic but first I just have to say that I'm swedish which means that english is not my first language so please have that in mind when you weep from the bad spelling and the grama-errors…
TELL ME TO STOP
Chapter 5 - Slipping Away
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Here I am
And within the reach of my hands
She's sound asleep and she's sweeter now
Than the wildest dream could have seen her
And I watch her slipping away
But I know I'll be hunting high and low
High
There's no end to the lengths I'll go to
Hunting high and low
-AHA, Hunting High And Low-
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Zelgadis sighed and looked at Amelia's back. For almost a week they had been walking towards Seyruun and in another two or three days they would be there. Amelia would be home and he would be, alone again. There was no reason for him to stay there, no reason to keep him by her side anymore. Since she had gotten her memory back she hadn't been close to him once and that pained the chimera more than he was willing to admitt. He missed her innocent hand in his, missed how she leaned against him when she was tired. If he just could tell her how he felt. But he couldn't, didn't dare to. What if she laughed at him? Of course she wouldn't do that, Amelia would never do that but what if? Inside he was so shattered with feelings and fears. His heart told him to pull her into his arms and never let go while his brain told him not to be so foolish to think she would ever want someone like him. He sighed again and looked at the Princess who had stopped infront of him.
"Zelgadis-san," she said softly. She had even gone back to using his fullname with the polite ending.
"Yeah," Zel mumbled and stopped beside her.
"Will you stay in Seyruun for a while?" Wilde horses couldn't drag me away from you, he sighed inside.
"If you want me to," he answered out loud trying to get his voice to sound as calm and indifference as it used to.
"Good," Amelia smiled and touched his arm. Even that friendly touch was enough to make him long even more for her. She started walking again and the chimera followed, like a dog following a person teasing it with a piece of food. It had started to get dark but Amelia didn't seem to have noticed that.
"I think we should find a place to camp," Zel suggested after a while. The Princess looked at the sinking sun and nodded.
"You're right Zelgadis-san. I didn't notice how late it is." With a smile she left the road and checked out a little clearing. "How about here?"
"Perfect," he mumbled and unhooked his sword. "I'll go and get some wood for the fire." He had to get away from her before he went nuts. The hurt inside that came from being so close yet so very far away was killing him. With a sigh he gathered sticks and twigs for the fire and then returned to his prison. Zelgadis couldn't help but thinking of his love for the young Princess as a prison. She had his heart chained to her and didn't even know it. Wherever she might go he'd be sure to follow, unable to help himself. He wanted to cry but his inside felt hollow of everything except the love, need and longing he carried for Amelia. Nights were there worst times for him. It meant that he would lie next to her on the hard ground without being able to touch her or protect her from the nightmares she had every single night. The chimera wanted to ask her about them but something stopped him. If Amelia wanted to talk about them she would come to him, right?
The stars spread across the black sky twinkled as Zel stared at them. Beside the sounds of the night he could hear Amelia breathing calmly. Now he was just waiting, waiting for the first signs that she was having nightmares again. And when they started he would press his eyes shut and share her pain and fears without being able to do anything about it. She was breathing faster now. It had started again. The chimera gave the sleeping woman a pained look and reached out his hand towards her, but without touching her. He would give anything to be able to just pull her into his arms and keep her save. With a whimper of fright Amelia sat up and stared infront of her through closed eyes.
"ZELGADIS!" she suddenly screamed. The chimera pressed his hands over his ears to block it out. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. Carefully he opened his eyes and removed his hands. Amelia was sitting next to him with her eyes closed. She was mumbling something.
"Amelia?" he asked confused and uncertain if she was really sleeping.
"Don't leave me Zel, please don't leave me," she whispered and hugged his shoulder tighter.
"Sch, sch Amelia," he mumbled and stroke her hand. "I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here." His answer seemed to calm her down but didn't awake her. Slowly the Princess laid down beside him. In complete amazament Zel wrapped his arm around her and felt how she nuzzled her face to his neck. The feeling of her delicate body pressed against his and her breaths against his skin made his heart pound so hard. Her warm body adjusted to his and so did her breathing. With a sigh of satisfaction she found his other hand and intangled their fingers. This was insane, he screamed inside. How could this not be proof enough that she cared for him? Why was he still scared? If he didn't reach out and show her that he wanted her near him forever she would just slip away. Tormented the chimera leaned his cheek against Amelia's hair and fell asleep.
Amelia woke up but didn't open her eyes. A part of her brain was still asleep and by the feel of it she was still dreaming. Strong arms held her and she could hear heartbeats that weren't her own. Slowly and scared it would disappear she opened her eyes. Her head was resting against Zelgadis chest. The Princess smiled and felt so calm inside. This was the way she always wanted to wake up, with the chimera close to her. If he could grant her and himself this closeness in his sleep why was it so impossible for him to do it when he was awake? Amelia sighed. She didn't know what was going on inside Zel and she didn't understand the way he acted towards her. Everything that had happened since that day she had been rescued told her that he did indeed care for her and still he didn't show it now that she had her memories back. All she wanted was to save this lost man and love him the way that he deserved to be loved. He was a man like no other she had ever met. Under the hardness he insisted on putting up he was so sweet, caring and tender. But she knew Zelgadis didn't see it like that. All he could see was his skin and the stone it was made of. Carefully she moved her face up and kissed his cheek.
"Don't slip away from me Zel," she sighed and again placed her head on his chest. He would wake up soon, his breathing told her that. If he knew she was awake he would run just like a scared animal. The fear and uncertainty she caused him pained her so much. Amelia closed her eyes again and sunk deeper into her troubling thoughts. There had to be a way for her to show him that she loved him and that she in no way cared about the fact that he was a chimera. She loved the man he was chimera or not. A movement underneth her told her that he was awake now. She could feel how he tried to pull away from her but then he sighed and laid still.
"Zelgadis," she said quietly and felt him twitch at the sound of her voice. He tried to pull away again but she stopped him by taking his hand in hers. "Please, don't leave." Amelia heard how he drew a sharp breath of air.
"Amelia," he mumbled. She felt like crying. The way he had said her name was so filled with pain and something else she couldn't read. With a sigh she let go of his hand and rolled away from him. The cold morning air caused her to shiver when her body lost the warmth that had been between them.
"I'm sorry," she said with a trembling voice and tried to push back the tears. "I know you don't want me that close to you…"
Zelgadis shuddered when the Princess turned away from him. The loss of her warm and secure body made his heart scream in protest and her words pained him even more. I'm nothing more than a coward lier, he sighed inside. All he wanted was her but now he had made her sad by rejecting her. His body pushed aside his fears for a moment and he pulled her into his arms. Carefully not to hurt her he wiped away the tears on her face and met her eyes.
"Amelia I…" he studdered and felt her shiver against him. "Amelia I want…" he tried again.
"Tell me what you want Zelgadis," she pleaded and pressed her face against his chest. I want you close to me, I want to love you, he screamed inside.
"I want you to be safe," he answered instead. "You had a nightmare last night."
"I have that nightmare every night," Amelia sighed.
"What is it about?" the chimera slowly asked. He could hear her swallowing and felt her pressing her body closer to his like she was scared of something.
"I dream that that man who bought me comes back and takes me away from…" She licked her lips and Zel got the strangest feeling that she changed what she said. "Takes me away from everything," she added after a moment. "He beats me and, and…" Her voice broke when she started to cry. The chimera wrapped his arms tighter around her.
"Amelia no one will take you anywhere or do anything to you against your will. I'll make sure of that," he mumbled and pressed his face into her raven hair. To his surprise the Princess shook her head and moved away from him.
"How can you say that?" she asked with sorrow. "You're not going to be around forever so you can't make such promises." Zel moaned inside. She was right and that hurt him so much. He wanted to be close to her for the rest of his life, wanted to protect and love her always. But he was pushing her away and the more time that passed the further away she slipped. When he turned his head to look at her she had left.
The following night they stayed at an Inn. Zelgadis had spent hours staring at the wall seperating him from Amelia. He had gotten so used to having her beside him at night that their seperate bedrooms seemed unnatural. A knock on the door pulled his eyes away from the wall infront of him.
"Yes?" The door opened and Amelia walked in. Her face looked strange and so did her eyes.
"Zelgadis-san," the young woman mumbled and closed the door behind her. "I'm having nightmares again." The chimera reach out his hand to her without thinking. Slowly she came over to him and took it. She was shaking slightly and he could see that she had been crying.
"You can sleep here if you want to," Zel offered and almost bit his tongue off. Slick move Zel, he muttered to himself.
"You sure that's okay with you?" Amelia wondered and sat down beside him.
"I'm not tired anyways so you take the bed okay?" he nodded and stood up. "I'll be right here if you need me." She watched him as he took a seat on a chair under the window.
"Thanks Zelgadis-san," she smiled at him and crawled into his bed, wrapped her cloak around her and closed her eyes. The chimera looked at her with longing and sighed deeply. In two days they would reach Seyruun and even though Amelia had asked him to stay there he knew he couldn't stick around forever. One day sooner or later he would have to leave her and the dry voice in his head informed him that when he did she would be lost to him. A sudden whimper from the Princess forced him to go to her. Her face was pale and her eyes rushed back and forth under her eyelids. Carefully he took her hand in his and stroke her hair.
"Sch, sch Amelia," he whispered softly. "No one is going to hurt you." She calmed down and he left her alone again. Only a few minutes passed by before she sat up and screamed his name. He hurried to her and pulled her into his arms. Slowly he rocked her trying to calm her down again.
"No, no, no," she whimpered in her sleep. "Don't go away, please Zelgadis don't leave me all alone again." The chimera hugged her tighter and kissed her cheek.
"I'm not going anywhere Amelia, not now not ever. I love you." He froze at his words. Never before had he said those three words to anyone. But it was true he did love her and he wanted her to know. He needed her to know just as he needed her beside him.
Amelia gave the pouring rain out side a disliking glare. It had been like that since morning and now the roads were nothing more than rivers of mud. Zel had been in his room the whole day troubled by something he didn't share with her. Something was changing with the chimera and it annoyed her that she couldn't put her finger on exactly what it was. Her fear was that he was trying to come up with a reason not to stay in Seyruun. With a sigh she left the window and walked down the corridore. She stopped outside Zel's room and knocked on the door.
"What?" he barked and opened the door. He looked horrible. His eyes shadowed by what she only could interpret as despair and his face distorted with doubts and pain.
"Are you okay Zelgadis-san?" Amelia asked with concern. Never before had she seen him like this. The chimera lowered his eyes and corrected his clothes.
"I'm just… just hm a little off track today," he mumbled and turned around. That's an understatement, Amelia frowned to herself.
"Not so strange you didn't get any sleep at all last night. Sorry about that," she said and closed the door.
"Oh it's not that." He turned around again and looked at her. "I'm just… trying to…" Zel sighed and ran his fingers trough his hair.
"Can I ask you a question Zelgadis-san?" Amelia asked after a moment.
"Sure, sure ask away," Zel nodded and crossed the room. For a while the Princess looked at his back as he stood by the window. It was getting dark outside.
"The other night I asked you what you wanted and you started to say something but then you changed your mind. Why?" The question caused the chimera to twitch. Very slowly he turned towards her and nervously licked his lips.
"I did?" It was very obvious he was stalling now.
"Why!?" This time her voice was almost demanding.
"Amelia do we have to do this?" he sighed and stared at the floor.
"Zelgadis Greywords tell me what it is you want!" she demanded. "I can see that something is troubling you and that you want something. If you just tell me what it is maybe I can help you?? I want to help you because I love you!"
Chapter6