‘awareness’
There was a long silence, filled only by the whisper of light raindrops, and then Sakura gave a nervous laugh.
"What?"
"I know it’s impossible, crazy, but you do, Sakura. And you don’t just have magic. You have more power than anyone I’ve ever seen, more than I’ve ever even heard of. You are unstoppable."
He leaned forward to put his lips on hers, but she took a step back and pushed his hands away.
"Stop it, Li. It’s not funny. I’ve never had magic, not even a little bit. What are you talking about?"
"No. You do, you always have. You just didn’t know it. You don’t even understand the concept of it, that’s why you can’t see your own abilities." He took a plaintive step forward, but she just sidled away and backed away again. In the surreal light of the blue glo-rod, reflected in the thousands of water droplets, she looked perplexed and distrustful. Li wondered uneasily if he should have started this, but he’d come this far. She had to know the truth sometime. "How can you not have noticed? You’re faster in combat than you’ve ever been your whole life. You know things before they happen. You can hear the healers working their magic. You see things that others don’t." As he spoke he took another step, and she backed away again. "Things explode when you’re angry or frustrated. You were the one that wiped out the enemy in that village, Sakura, don’t you remember?"
She was shaking her head in denial.
"I didn’t do anything…I don’t remember anything. I blacked out. I was weak, I lost that fight. I’m no faster than I’ve ever been. I’m a pitiful fighter, Li, you said so yourself!"
A cold drop of water plonked on his nose, and he noticed that the rain was starting to come down a little harder.
"Shh, Sakura, calm down. Please don’t get upset."
"Upset? Of course I’m upset. We just…and I…" Her words faltered as she tried to describe her heady experience, and she gave it up. "And then after that, you start saying things like this. What’s wrong with you, Li?"
"There’s nothing wrong with me. But there’s something very different about you. Can’t you feel those changes in your body? Your blood flowing fast and hard and your heart beating a million times a click? The inexplicable rushes of energy and strength?"
Sakura caught her breath and hugged her arms to her chest, starting to feel cold with the increasing rainfall.
"I – maybe. But that wasn’t magic. I was in love."
"No," Li answered carefully. This was delicate territory. "No, Sakura. You weren’t in love. That was your body reacting to his touch; that was the magic waking up inside you. You didn’t know you had it and you forgot about it, but something about the captain reminded you."
He could tell by the look on her face that he wasn’t saying it in the right way.
"No," she protested. "It’s love. I’m sure of it. Nobody else makes me feel the way he does, even the memory of his eyes makes me tremble."
She winced as Li closed his eyes briefly and clenched his fists, then he opened them again.
"Sakura, listen to me. I don’t know why or how, but there is something about Avalon that stimulates your power. I was there two nights ago when he found you; I could feel your power growing in my mind. And it started after the night you were captured, when you were in his tent. I’m a sorcerer, Sakura, I know what I’m talking about!"
"What you’re talking about is poppycock," she snapped. "I can’t believe you, Li, I really can’t. Even after what we just shared, you’re so jealous of Tory that you’ll make up a story like that just to convince me that I don’t understand my own feelings! Don’t you think I know whether I love someone or not?"
Li felt as though he’d been struck across the face and retreated, wounded.
"You want me to believe that you know what you’re doing?" he asked sardonically. "Your actions certainly haven’t given any such indication. You lied about that night with him, then you kissed me, then you begged him to let you go but wouldn’t let me fight him, and now you say you love him." He swallowed and placed his fist on his chest. "What about us? What about what we just had? Wasn’t it incredible? I know you felt it. Here’s the evidence!" He threw his arms out wide, indicating the rain.
"It’s a storm, Li, I don’t have anything to do with it." She felt a couple of tears leak out and slide down her already-wet cheeks, wondering what in the name of the Resistance was making him say these things. So many things had happened in the past few days, both exquisite and painful. She didn’t think her emotions could stand another swing in either direction. "I did love it," she sobbed. "It felt so good. But now you’re making these stories up, trying to tell me I don’t love him, when I know that I do. I can feel it deep inside. I can’t explain it, and neither can you. So stop trying!" She almost screamed that last part, and the rain started to come down even harder. Standing on the floor of the ravine like they were, the splatter of raindrops against the rocks was a riotous din. Li gulped and pushed his wet hair out of his eyes. If this went on for much longer, they could have a flood.
"Stop it, Sakura! Calm down, you’re going to drown us both!"
"I’m not doing it!" she shrieked, and there was another crash of thunder overhead. "I’m not! There’s nothing special about me; I’m just an ordinary girl. I don’t have magic, and I never did. I feel so queasy because I’m confused. I’m in love with the enemy, and I can’t help myself. And you don’t even care, you’re so preoccupied with claiming me for yourself."
"That’s not true!" Li had to shout over the noise. "I do care! Why do you think I’ve been keeping you close? I’m worried about you and I didn’t want anything to happen to you! You’re brimming with magic, and you don’t even know how to control it. I didn’t want you to hurt yourself, or anybody else. Like you’re about to do now! So, please, Sakura, stop it. This is dangerous. Just take a deep breath, and try to calm down. You’re going to wash us away."
He tried to take her hands, but she jerked away from his touch.
"Keep away from me! Stop it! Stop saying that! I am not doing this! I don’t have magic. Just admit it, Li. Admit you’re jealous and that you’re making this all up."
"Okay, okay," Li said hastily. "It’s true, I am jealous. I can’t stand the thought of you with him and I do want you all to myself, because I love you, okay? I’d do anything for you!" He paused to take a breath. The rainfall was not slowing down any. "But I swear I’m not making this up. Avalon’s woken up powers inside of you. Let me help. I can teach you how to control it. We can do this together!"
"I don’t, I don’t, I don’t have it!" she cried. "Please stop! Just let me figure out my feelings on my own!"
She was starting to become a little hysterical, and Li was reaching for her again when he heard a crash. Something had shattered against the boulders behind him, and he turned to look. He couldn’t see anything at first, and then another chunk of ice struck his glo-rod on the boulder. It went flying and winked out, leaving them in darkness.
Oh, damn. She’s moved on to hail.
"Sakura, we have to get out of here! We have to get back to the base!" She didn’t seem to have heard him; her face was buried in her hands and she was sobbing loudly. Another shard of ice struck him on the forehead, and he groaned aloud as he raised his hand to inspect it. An oozing warmth met his fingertips; he was bleeding. "Come on, Sakura, we can’t stay out here anymore. We’ve got to get home."
"Don’t touch me."
"No time to argue." She was crying like a child, and it was easy to scoop her up in his arms. The darkness was absolute, there was no light anywhere now, but he closed his eyes and let his senses guide him back up the slope to his glider. He hopped on it and heard the reassuring whine of the engine activating. "Just hang on, Sakura, we’re going home. It’ll be okay."
She cried out in pain as a hailstone struck her on the arm, and he wrapped his arms around her in an effort to cover her, tucking her head underneath his chin. She was shaking hard and he clutched her tighter, gritting his teeth as ice bit into his skin again. They were speeding up now, he had to get her back to the Honeycomb as quickly as possible, but that meant that they were flying into the ice at high velocity. Every glancing blow left a burning sensation of pain in his flesh.
"Don’t worry," he murmured into her hair. "I’ll take care of you. You’re going to be all right."
*****
"I’ll take care of you. I’ll take care of you. I can – can do it. I know I can."
Tory wrapped his arms around Sakura and squeezed. She was frightened because she was his prisoner, but that was all right. She loved him, and she would overcome her fear in time. They would be happy together. Then the tent came billowing down over them, and he was there, pulling Sakura out of his grasp.
"Sakura! Come back!"
The Li boy drew his sword and held it out threateningly, wrapping a possessive arm around Sakura.
"You had your chance with her and you failed," the boy said darkly. "You lost her. She’s mine now."
"I didn’t l-lose her. I – I tried." Tory felt tears of frustration and guilt sliding down his face. "I tried to protect her but they were too strong. They took her away."
The soldier cuffed the nomad boy across the face, sending him flying. Tory gasped from the pain in his head and gripped it with his hands. This pain was unbearable. All around him was intense heat and hungry flames, devouring everything that had once meant safety and security. Sakura was gone. Where was she?
"Sa-sakura! Sakura, come back! Please!"
He could hardly hear anything, the blaster shots were so loud. Loud, echoing cracks as the soldiers continued to blast away at the house. The destruction had to be complete; it had to be total. They had to set an example.
"Sakura, please," Tory sobbed. He was so worried for her. Anything could happen to her in this mess. "I love you."
***
Blade flicked his tongue out as he watched his slave twitch on the floor, occasionally calling out in his sleep. It was amazing that the boy hadn’t woken, with all the racket of the hailstones hitting the roof of the transport. The freak storm was wreaking havoc outside in the campsite, as the men tried to keep the tents upright under the barrage, but the Reptil allowed his slave to continue to sleep. He would need his rest after that long punishment session.
The captain opened his mouth and cried out again. Blade thought it might be a name, perhaps, though it was impossible to tell. Nothing sounded but a hoarse rasp; his voice was completely gone.
Interesting. The nightmares are still plaguing him, after all these cycles.
Amused, Blade returned his attention to cleaning his sword. He remembered well the skinny and terrified boy that once slept on his floor every night, with no idea who he was or what he was doing there. Such was his fear of being lost and alone that he actually welcomed Blade’s tyrannical abuse. At least with his master he had a place to sleep. And though he remembered nothing of his past, it tormented him at nights, causing him to moan and thrash. Eventually the nightmares dropped off, as he grew older and began his struggle to rise through the ranks of the army. It had been at least six cycles since he’d even slept on Blade’s floor.
And still he tosses, tortured by something he can not remember. I wonder, will he ever?
Blade finished cleaning and held his sword aloft, admiring the way its sharp edges caught the light. It would be interesting if his slave ever recalled his past.
Very, very interesting.
*****
After what seemed forever, they left the nightmare world of flying ice and freezing rain and soared into the interior of the Honeycomb. They landed almost in a crash on the floor, and Li stumbled back to lean against the cavern walls.
"Li! Li, are you okay?" They were both soaking wet and shivering, but Sakura was already feeling better now that she was out of the weather. In contrast, Li’s face was deathly pale, his eyes unfocused. Blood trickled down the side of his face and she could see more cuts and scratches over his arms and his back. He had covered her securely for the entire trip, and taken the brunt of the storm. "Oh gods, Li, hang on, you’re going to be okay. Please be okay!"
"-t’s all r-right," he said through chattering teeth. "Accid-dent. Know you…d-didn’t m-mean to."
I didn’t do anything! she mentally wailed, but she didn’t have a chance to reply before he slid down to the floor, shaking violently.
"Li! Somebody help!" Her scream of terror rang throughout the base, and she saw Tomoyo run out of the healing caves and gasp. She knelt on the floor to be with him; he hadn’t let go of her hands once. Now he gripped them even tighter and gave her a pleading look.
"M-must stay close, Sakura. You have t-to stay close. Not safe to go far." She started crying even harder; the look of love and devotion in his eyes was too much for her to cope with. First no one had loved her. Now two men did, and she still didn’t know how to choose. But she did know that Li had given her the most intense, erotic experience of her life that evening, and she could not push him away. Not even after those things he’d said.
Tomoyo was running over, and some of the others too. She gripped his hands and brought them to her mouth, planting a light kiss on each.
"It’s going to be all right, Li, I swear. Just relax. You’re going to be fine."
"St-tay close," he slurred. "D-don’t go…" He muttered something else in his home dialect that she didn’t understand, and then they were there. Two men hoisted Li up from the ground and supported his weight, helping him to the healing cave. He tried to keep his grip on Sakura’s hands, but they were torn apart. Something fell with a clatter on the floor, and she realized that his hidden blade had fallen from his sleeve.
He can’t lose this, she thought irrationally. I have to return it to him, he’ll be angry if it’s lost. She stooped to pick it up, and then Julian was there, rubbing her arms and trying to warm her. Sakura heard his voice, very distant in all the noise, but she couldn’t reply. She could only watch as Li disappeared behind the door.
"Sakura, we’ve got to get you out of those clothes. You’re wet right through. I can’t believe you were outside; this storm is going crazy. Who knows how it even got here?"
"But I - " She tried to take a step in the direction they’d taken Li, but Julian was pulling her firmly in the opposite direction. She was so tired, and he was so strong. It was easier to just submit to him.
"No buts. You’re going to get pneumonia if you don’t dry off. Don’t worry, Sakura, you’ll be fine. I’ll take care of you."
"No…" she protested weakly, as he lifted her up in his arms and started up the metal stairs. She couldn’t believe she was actually resisting Julian, but she wanted to be by Li’s side. There were too many men that wanted to take care of her.
It was all too much for the orphaned girl of the desert. For the second time in her life, she yielded to fatigue and fell asleep in Julian’s arms.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, pain was the sensation that finally awoke Tory. This time it was concentrated in the aches of his shoulders, and running up and down the side of his body. He’d fallen asleep on the cold metal floor of Blade’s transport, something that hadn’t happened in several cycles. He felt like a little boy again, and cringed when the door slid open and Blade came striding through.
"Up at lassst," the Reptil snarled and tossed him a canteen of water. Only Tory’s fast reflexes let him catch it in time before it struck him squarely on the nose. He didn’t want to look weak, but he couldn’t help himself. He was so thirsty. Ripping off the cap, he gulped at the precious liquid like a baby, wincing as he forced his parched throat to swallow. The memories of last night were coming back to him now, reciting for so many parsecs, the appearance of the angel, and the rain. Of his dream he remembered nothing.
"Master, I - " He stopped, realizing that nothing was coming out but a hollow rasp. Blade was leaning over his console, reading some kind of message, and waved an impatient hand.
"Go. Oversee the camp’sss recovery. I have busssinesss to attend to."
Recovery?
Tory didn’t know what he meant, but he was grateful that Blade seemed to have gotten over his annoyance with Tory’s behavior. He bowed his head in subservience, then scrambled through the doorway and down the ramp. The clouds had cleared away and the sky was turning to pale blue with the approaching dawn. It was starkly serene compared to the camp’s tents. Some had collapsed, and those still standing had ragged holes in them. It was a mess.
What in the name of the sun and moon, he wondered, coughing again, happened here?
*****
"I love you," Tory whispered into her ear, his eyes full of pain. She so wanted to answer him, but she couldn’t. She was too scared. Despite his gentle words, he was holding her firmly in an iron grip, preventing her escape. She struggled a little, but it was no use. He was too strong. And in a way, she didn’t want to struggle. Deep inside she hungered for what was coming. The symbol that drifted nearer called to her; the sun and the moon were yearning for her touch. Her entire body was quivering, as if it weren’t for Tory’s restraining hold it would pull her right in.
But she also knew that this was dangerous. As much as her body pleaded for contact, she knew she had to get away. The symbol was too powerful; it would consume her whole…
***
"No!" she cried, bolting upright in bed. Downstairs, Li stirred and almost woke at the
magical noise of her dream, but Tomoyo put a hasty hand on his brow.
Sakura was panting, clutching the sheets to her chest.
That – that dream again. It was the same symbol, the same setup. It was going to eat me.
Her knuckles were white as she gripped something cold and hard in her hand. Opening up her fist, she saw a smooth metallic handle and stared at it uncomprehendingly.
I don’t want anything to do with that image. And this time it was even worse than the first dream. Then Li was here, pestering me, wanting to know what I saw. Now I’m alone.
Li! She squeezed her fist around the knife hilt again as the memories rushed back. The scintsect, making love out in the canyons, the mysterious rain – and what he had said to her. That crazy declaration that she possessed magic. And then the furious storm.
The lights within the Honeycomb were still off, it must not be dawn yet, but it was probably close. Her clothes had dried and she pulled them on, almost tying her fingers into the knot of her bootlaces in her rush to pull them on. She tucked his knife into one and tore down the stairways of the cavern to the healing cave.
Li was still asleep, his color returned and breathing evenly. Tomoyo was replacing a small bandage on his forehead, where he’d been struck.
"Tomoyo! Is he okay? Is he - "
"Shh." Her friend placed a finger to her lips and smiled. "There’s nothing to worry about, Sakura, he’s fine. He’s just exhausted, and exposure to that storm broke him down. Mother thinks he’s been pouring all of his strength into a spell for at least a couple of days now, though what that would be I can’t imagine."
Sakura could. It was the spell that he’d used to make everyone forget about her, not to mention her trance. She should be angry, but looking over his wounds only made her remember how he’d been so careful to shield her from the ice on their return trip. How could she be angry with him, after that?
"Why are you bandaging his wounds? Can’t you heal them? They’re not very deep."
"It’s the strangest thing." Tomoyo shrugged slightly. "Mother and I tried all through last night, but they just wouldn’t heal up. They’re going to have to close naturally."
Sakura frowned and looked away from Li’s sleeping form. In her experience, that only occurred for one reason.
"Doesn’t that mean…"
"Yes. It means that his gashes were inflicted by a magical force, one far more powerful than ours. Some mage called that storm up. Although why or who, I can’t imagine." Tomoyo knelt on the floor to dunk a rag in warm water, completely missing the horrified expression on Sakura’s face.
Trembling, she looked back at Li, and then down at her hands. They were shaking hard.
No…no. It can’t be. Just because it was a magical storm doesn’t mean I had anything to do with it. The enemy must have done it. But why would they do that?
The feel of Li’s hands on her skin came back. He was untying her shirt, his lips caressing her neck. Above them, her ecstasy called lightning to dance across the clouds. She remembered the sheer bliss of him inside her, how delightful it had been to beckon the rain down from the sky. Li loved the rain so much.
No. No, I’m imagining it. I just let his words go to my head; it’s all in my mind. I didn’t do it, I can’t have done it. I don’t have the power to do that!
Her quickening heartbeat argued otherwise. Sakura recalled the torrent of energy, still demanding to be released. How good it had felt to lash out in her anger and confusion, the sick joy of pelting the earth with rock-hard chunks of ice. She’d enjoyed it!
"No," she moaned. This couldn’t be happening.
"What?" Tomoyo glanced up.
This is not happening! I don’t have magic, I never have!
"Kero!" Sakura exclaimed, in a moment of inspiration. "Where’s Kero?" He could fix this. He’d tap her on the nose, and declare there was definitely no magic inside her, and that would be the end of th-
"Kero left last night."
"What?"
"Didn’t you know? He had a final goodbye meal with Julian and flew off. Said that he couldn’t hide with us forever, he had a job to do. I’m sure he’ll be back one day." Her brow creased worriedly. "I hope he found a place to hole up in during that storm last night. I’d hate to think of what might happen if he got hit with one of those hailstones. But I’m sure he made it out all right."
Sakura didn’t hear anything after ‘flew off’. The little creature that she’d rescued, back in what seemed another lifetime, was gone, and now she had no way to make sure. Only Li’s words and her own unwanted memories.
Was this my fault?
Her eyes roved over his wounds, taking in every bruise, every bandage. An image of him, shivering and clutching her hands, assuring her that he knew she didn’t mean to, came to her mind.
Did I do this? Did I hurt him? I didn’t want to! It was an accident!
Sakura backed away, slowly, so Tomoyo would know nothing. She had to get away, get away from everybody. It could happen again, she could hurt somebody else. She might hurt Li again.
Stifling a sob, she fled the healing cave and sprinted for the gliders. Julian, Tomoyo, Li…she’d put a safe distance between herself and all of them. And then, well, then she would figure everything out. And she would do it on her own.
*****
"Here. Drink this." The healer finished brewing a dried herb with boiling water and handed it to his captain, who handled it gingerly as he blew off the steam. "He’s going to kill you one of these days, you know."
Tory looked up sharply at that, and his underling flushed and looked away.
"I’m sorry, sir. I did not mean to speak out of turn."
To offer an unsolicited opinion about one commanding officer to another was a serious breach of protocol, but Tory just shrugged. There was no point in trying to discipline the man when he couldn’t even speak yet, and he had enough to do with trying to repair the campsite. Carefully he tried to take a sip of the steaming liquid.
Perhaps. Maybe one day, his master would tire of him, and then he might actually take a punishment session too far. But that was a day far off in the future, and Tory wasn’t worried about that just yet.
No…no, he likes me. He likes having me around, I’m sure. I don’t know why, but he seems to get some kind of perverse pleasure in keeping me by his side. Unless he ever gets wind of what went on between me and Sakura, he’s not going to kill me. I just have to make sure that doesn’t happen.
"Sir, did backup arrive? We’ll sorely need it if we confront the rebels again."
He realized the soldier was pulling back the tent flap, watching a transport land a little distance away from the encampment. Blade was stalking across the grounds to meet it.
Hmm. A superior officer doesn’t go to meet his troops. Whoever is in there outranks him. That would explain the tense set of his muscles. I suppose I’m the only one that would notice that.
Tory felt slightly uneasy as he watched his master disappear up the ramp and into the shadows. There was nothing at all threatening, no reason to fear, but Tory was fairly sure he didn’t like this turn of events. Something about this new transport portended danger.
*****
There was a sense of unease, of something potentially dangerous. It tugged persistently at Li’s mind, finally dragging him out of oblivion. He blinked at the soft glow of the mage lights in the cave, then tried to focus on his surroundings. He recognized the healers’ cave, tried to move, then thought better of it. His skin burned with the still-fresh gashes. And he was tired, still. The effort of keeping Sakura concealed and hidden away had taken much more out of him than he’d thought; she had too much power to easily subdue. The exposure last night must have pushed him over the edge.
Carefully he pushed himself to a more upright sitting position and began to examine his wounds. They were numerous, and they hurt, though not as much as her words that had cut into him earlier.
…you’re so jealous of Tory …you’ll make up a story like that just to convince me that I don’t understand my own feelings! Don’t you think I know whether I love someone or not?…I’m in love with the enemy, and I can’t help myself… you don’t even care, you’re so preoccupied with claiming me for yourself…
How could she? He squeezed his fists tight, ignoring the pain, and closed his eyes. How could she have said those things? Were they at all true? Had he invented the entire preposterous story just to convince himself that she might not really love Avalon as she thought she did?
What if I did? Would a Li ever stoop to such levels? But I love her so much. When I saw that scintsect on her shoulder, I almost died myself, I was so scared for her. And later, when she let me…
He indulged his memory, let the feeling of her soft skin brush under his hands once more. It had been perfect, in every detail. They had been perfect together. Li was sure he’d never been so happy in his life. But all that had been shattered the moment he told her the truth. Now she would never trust him again.
I shouldn’t have told her. But she had to know. I couldn’t keep it from her anymore; not when she needs to understand who she is.
"Sakura!" he yelped out loud, suddenly realizing the danger. She was nowhere in sight; where had she gotten off to? Julian heard him and entered the cave.
"Li, up at last. How’re you feeling?"
"Fine," Li said shortly. He was in the middle of standing up, carefully conscious of his bruises, when Julian placed a firm hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down.
"Don’t get up."
"But I - "
"I mean it, Li. Tomoyo says that she can’t heal your wounds with her magic, they’re going to have to close naturally. That means you can’t be moving around too much."
There was an odd look in Julian’s eyes, Li realized. He looked almost suspicious.
"Where’s Sakura? I have to check on her, I have to - "
"She’s upstairs, sleeping. I wouldn’t go bother her." That last part came out sounding more like a direct order rather than a suggestion, and Li watched him recline in a chair near his sleeping pad. He kept looking at Li in that same manner as he let his hand rest on his blaster.
"Is something wrong?"
"You tell me. I know I’ve been busy, but I can’t help but notice the two of you have been acting a little strange around each other lately. You seem to be watching her a lot."
Yes, Li decided, that look in Julian’s eyes was definitely suspicious. And fiercely protective.
"Well, I - "
"Li, I took on a responsibility when I rescued Sakura from that village and brought her here. I’ve taught her, looked out for her, I feel like she’s my little sister. The danger that the enemy poses to her is annoying enough, but if someone in our own base was threatening her safety, I would be very – unhappy."
"Look, Julian, I understand what you’re saying. I don’t want to see her hurt either. That’s why - "
"Last night was the third time you and Sakura have left the base together, and the third time you’ve run into trouble. I’m starting to not like this pattern."
"I know it looks bad," Li admitted. "But it’s just coincidence." It was a lie, but he couldn’t tell the Julian the truth. All the same, he had a feeling the rebel leader could sense his deception. "I would never hurt her, Julian. I swear."
Julian took in the young warrior, sitting up on the pad and fidgeting slightly. His eyes traveled down his body, examining the cuts and bruises he’d incurred the night before.
"Such peculiar weather we had last night. Any idea how a hailstorm got started out in the middle of the badlands?"
Li started as he recognized the tone in Julian’s voice.
"You think I did that?"
"We know it was magical. Who else?"
Li opened his mouth and closed it again helplessly. There was simply no way to explain.
"What’s that symbol on your arm mean?"
Li flushed when he realized Julian was staring at the yin-yang on his left arm. His shirt was gone, of course, ripped by the force of the ice last night. His lucky knife was gone too, he realized, but there was nothing that could be done about that. He tried to cover his family crest in a natural-seeming motion.
"Doesn’t mean anything," he muttered.
"I could swear I’ve seen it somewhere before."
Julian narrowed his eyes as Li shrugged and looked down. The unusual symbol did seem a little familiar. Under normal circumstances, he would have dismissed it as irrelevant, but something about Li demanded his attention. Julian would not tolerate anyone endangering Sakura.
"Who are you, Li? Where do you come from?" Li swallowed and kept his eyes on the sheets.
"My history is my own."
"Uh-huh." Julian tapped his fingers on his blaster thoughtfully. "Your silence on that subject is making me nervous, Li. I’m not going to press – not yet. But I think it would be a good idea if you stayed away from Sakura for a little while. Until you’re ready to talk about yourself. Let me know when that is."
He stood up abruptly and strode out of the healing cave at a fast pace. Li breathed a little easier at his absence, but he still didn’t like the way things were turning out. First Sakura was angry with him and keeping her distance, now the commander was growing suspicious and defensive.
His shoulders slumped in defeat. Somehow he’d managed to really screw things up this time. Her hurt and confused expression flashed through his mind again, making him groan. He hadn’t done anything right, and the thought of confronting her again and trying to explain just made him exhausted. Li gave up, and lay back down again on the sheets. It just wasn’t worth the trouble.
*****
This whole thing is ridiculous, Sakura thought crossly, and kicked a rock across the barren top of the low mesa. I don’t have any magical powers. Never have, never will. So why did I run out here instead of staying inside the base? I’m not really sure. It just felt like the right thing to do at the time. I had to get out there.
That worried her, and some more uncomfortable memories began to pester her. Times, in the past few days, when she had just been sure something was going to happen, and it had. The lag time was so short, she’d never bothered to wonder before. Was it more than just lucky guesses?
"Um, fly," she ordered timidly, pointing her finger at the rock. It remained motionless. Maybe she needed to give it a little impetus. Kneeling to pick it up, she tossed lightly into the air.
"Fly!" The small stone, as objects everywhere else did, obeyed the pull of gravity and landed with a clunk on the ground.
If I had magic, I’d be able to do this. I’ve seen Li do it. This should be easy.
But she couldn’t, and she didn’t know whether to feel relieved or just the tiniest bit disappointed.
Stupid rock. Stupid Li. Baka, as he would say.
She sat down heavily, discouraged. The sun was still climbing, the badlands growing hotter by the click. Up here, exposed, she was already sweating, but made no move to retreat down into the canyons. It was comforting to see the pure blue sky, with no trace of last night’s mysterious clouds.
"I didn’t make that storm," she called out to the silence. "I didn’t."
There was no answer, and idly she pulled out the knife hilt she’d tucked into her boots that morning. It was a smooth, silver handle, with a slit at one end for the blade to slide out. But there was no button, no switch that she could see for activation. How did it work?
She closed her eyes and pictured him, she could see him vividly. The knife dropped down from his sleeve into his hand, and then – and then nothing. He didn’t do anything at all. Just held the handle and…and what?
He pulled the little pendant out from under his shirt, and squeezed slightly. Much to her surprise, a long sharp sword materialized out of thin air. He’d called it forth using his magic.
Using his magic…now she could see him again, dropping the hilt into his hand and squeezing slightly, calling on magic in a casual and effortless manner, activating his knife before he handed it to her to slice open the prickle plant. He used his magic for his knife, and she had no magic.
Never did and never will. Oh Li, why did you say those things to me last night? Why do you insist on being jealous of Tory, trying to make up these wild stories and telling me that I don’t love him? Truthfully, I don’t know who I love. I thought it was Tory – until what happened last night.
She shivered as the memory came at her again, the feel of his hands on her skin, his lips brushing over her neck, then delicately biting. Sucking harder and harder until –
She moaned aloud, and there was a soft metallic click. Upon opening her eyes, she gave a startled gasp and dropped the knife.
It lay on the ground where it fell, the now-drawn blade reflecting the sunlight innocently. It did nothing unusual, made no sudden moves, but she squeaked and scrambled away from it as though it were suddenly dangerous.
I did it. I made it do that; Li’s knife just proved it to me.
She began to shiver in the hot midday atmosphere. Now her memories were buzzing in her mind, taunting her with her oblivious ignorance. Her angry frustration, and how good it had felt to vaporize that heating plate across the cave. Killing their attackers in that empty village, wiping them out with those explosions, indulging herself with sweet victory. Their gruesome deaths hadn’t bothered her in the slightest.
"No," she whimpered. "No, that’s not who I am. I don’t kill like that, I don’t enjoy it!"
A couple of tears began to slide down her face, but she made no effort to brush them away. She’d done enough crying the night before, she was tired of crying. She’d cried hailstones, she was so upset. And she had nearly killed her and Li doing it.
She could have hurt him, she could have hurt any of her friends these past few days. Suddenly she was very frightened of herself, her capability for destruction.
"I didn’t know," she sobbed. Now she was recalling Li’s strange behavior ever since her first rescue, the odd things he’d said, the way he insisted on staying close to her. He’d known, he’d known for a while. He had been guarding her.
"Li," she choked, "why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me?" She was on her knees and bent over until her forehead was resting against the gritty rocky surface.
Of course he didn’t tell me. Why would I believe him? And he was right to have not said anything, I didn’t know how to handle it. I lashed out, accused him of making it up out of jealousy. Oh, how could I have done that? Why did I say those horrible things to him? I – I was stupid! I didn’t know!
"I didn’t know," she whispered, raising her head to tell the knife. It was just an object, but in a way it represented him. It was fitting that she had discovered the truth with it, and now she wished she was by his side, so she could tell him. "I’m sorry, Li. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I didn’t know. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry." Her voice cracked with emotion, and she reached out to gingerly lift it from the ground. The metal handle was considerably warmer now from the sunlight, a comforting touch. "Will you forgive me?"
There was only one way to find out, and she jumped to her feet. She had to get back to the Honeycomb, she had to see him.
I’m scared. I’m scared of myself, what I might do. Li is the only one who understands what I am, and he can help me. I have to go back and find him.
He’s the one. I love him.
Chapter9