"THIS TIME AROUND"
by: gb
Chapter 7
Gillian and Hayley stood and stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity, but then the mask was back in place and they both turned to go in their own directions as they gave each other little uncomfortable smiles of recognition.
Gillian forced herself to remain civil and was about to walk past her, when Hayley called out.
"Gillian, don't go," she said. "Do you have a minute to talk?"
"I have to start work in just a little while and I really wanted to take a break first." she answered.
"Well, why don't you take it with me?"
"What for, Hayley?" she wanted to know. "We've done really well keeping to stupid small talk in small doses always in a crowd. Why ruin a good thing?"
"Comon, Gillian, you don't mean that," cajoled Hayley, shaking her pixie blond hair. "We used to be really good friends before..."
Too late, she realized she'd worked her way into a corner and she looked at Gillian nervously.
"Before you decided to help yourself to my husband for your own needs?" she supplied for her.
"That's not true- it wasn't like that. Can we go sit in the sunroom?" she asked, hopefully.
"What was it like, then, 'best bud'?" she asked sarcastically, following the petite girl to Pine Valley Hospital's large,airy solarium.
Maybe Ryan just liked Hayley's type instead of her own, Gillian thought worriedly. Hayley was thin and willowy, small-the kind that men automatically felt protective over. She was cute in an urchin kind of way and looked like someone for whom you wanted to care. Compared with that, Gillian's own features were in sharp contrast.
Her hair and eyes were dark. Us dark haired girls just don't stand a chance against the blond Barbies, she thought sadly. She was thin,too with creamy fair skin,but she was much taller. Men didn't always think tall girls needed protection and it didn't give them pleasure to protect the way shorter women did. They were intimidated by them.
The only good thing we're good for is posing in magazines, she kept thinking. Ryan had called her "statuesque", but he probabally meant too tall, like an ugly tree, she was convinced.
I WANTED YOU TO THINK I WAS BEAUTIFUL FOR SO LONG...FOR YOU TO WANT ME
Gillian's thoughts only succeeded in raising her irritation at Hayley. By the time they sat down facing each other in the sunroom, there was no mistaking the animosity in her eyes.
Hayley had not mistaken that 'best buds' remark. She had referred to Gillian as her great friend and then had gone and kissed Ryan! Gillian had been devastated by what she felt was a double betrayal and though initially, she had tried to be understanding, she wasn't convinced that Hayley wasn't after Ryan- who Gillian still considered as her spouce. He thought of her that way,too. Then there had been the day that Hayley had gone to her and tried to explain that the attraction he and Hayley had felt was nothing compared to his genuine love for Gillian- but she wasn't listening and had actually thrown Hayley out and then she had lost her baby while Ryan had been at Hayley's-ironically looking for Gillian! Nothing had been the same after that!
Gillian had blamed Hayley and had not really spoken to her since. Ryan had been miserable and Hayley had known that no woman could take Gillian's place in his heart-not even her.
Most people saw the couple's sqabbles and arguments as incompatibility and on the surface, that was how it looked. Until you saw their eyes- the fire that always flashed between them; how they came alive for each other- only for each other! Combustable and volatile with passion simmering just below the surface threatening to explode, there were times when it had been embarrassing to be in the same room with them! Every thing was about each other to them. In a billion years, Ryan could never sustain that with Hayley or anyone else- just his Princess Gillian.
And God was he possessive! She had seen the bloodlust that changed his eyes from laughing blue to the deepest indigo(which he tried to control) whenever he had watched Jake or any other man with Gillian at SOS- dangerous this addiction he felt for her!
Gillian was no better- she had put her heart on Ryan long before she had admitted her lover for him! When they had all lived together at Wildwind(Ryan and Gillian and Hayley and her husband, Mateo), there had been no limit to the hell she had given Hayley and even Ryan for her jealousy. She would continually watch them out of the corner of her her eye in suspision and those baby browns would cloud so quickly and become so story that Hayley had thought that a bolt of lightning was going to strike her down any minute!
Only when they had all moved out and had places and lives of their own and Ryan and Gillian had admitted their love and were secure in it, did Gillian actually make friends with Hayley and they actually liked each other for awhile.
Hayley thought communication issues and a lack of foundation were what capsized their union. They hadn't married for the right reason and they NEVER talked to each other throughout- just alot of head games and one upsmanship.
Though they always stood by each other when the chips were down, somehow they lost their way somewhere down the line and their pride just wouldn't let them open up and admit anything.
Then things got complicated with Hayley's own marriage and got even more complicated with her and Ryan and Gillian hated her again.
Now that she had Mrs. Lavery before her, she seemed at a loss for words...
How dare she sit there and act like nothing's wrong and nothing's happened?! Gillian pursed her lips together waiting for Hayley to continue.
"Gillian," she began. "I'm glad we saw each other. I've been wondering how you are."
"We see each other all the time."
"But we never talk."
"I really didn't think you wanted to spare the time- you've been otherwise occupied with Mateo...and Ryan. You know what? Maybe you want both of them fighting over you. That would be great because then you wouldn't have to go through the strain of choosing and you wouldn't be tempted to drink. But that would leave me with none and I don't believe I'll make that easy for you, ma cherie."
"Gillian, Ryan and I are friends-"
"You both keep saying that; why is it I always find it hard to believe?" Gillian sure wasn't going to make this any easier for her!
Hayley sighed. "Ok, look. I'm not saying there wasn't an attraction on some level. And we kissed, but we never acted on it more than that."
"Mighty big of you." Gillian's face remained placid, a tribute to Ryan's tutoring. Inside, she was crushed! She had always suspected this even as she had hoped it was just a crazy notion on her part. The thought of her Ryan wanting somone else besides her was like a knife stabbing little deep cuts all over her heart! She didn't trust herself to speak yet!
"Gillian, we were confused," Hayley insisted. "We know that. I'm crazy for Mateo. And Ryan? gillian, no other woman in the WORLD holds a candle anywhere near you for him, I swear! He's crazy in love with you!"
I CAN'T MAKE YOU CRAZY, CAN I? NO- ONLY MARRIED LITTLE BLONDS CAN DO THAT.
"Why did you kiss him- and he obviously kissed you back. That's what you wanted. Why can't you leave my husband alone-you have one of your own."
"I turned to him as a friend. I was going through hell while Mateo was too busy with his ex-wife and son. We had to wait to start the family we wanted. I needed someone. God, Gillian- I was so close to drinking again and Ryan was there!" Hayley pleaded for understanding. She wasn't going to get it here!
"I see. You're having problems with your husband and his past life, you were having difficulty waiting to start you own, liquor was looking better and better and so was Ryan, so you thought, 'What the hell- my friend Gillian still loves him and he loves her, but I can just have him as my crutch for awhile and see what happens- Gilli will get over it.' Do I have it right, Hayley?"
"No." Hayley was almost in tears as she saw the pain in Gillian's eyes. "I didn't think- we didn't think. It just happened a few times, that's all. He was my sobriety. I wish I could take it back because it was a mistake. Mateo was so hurt and it was almost the end for us. We're in councelling now still and it's working. Can't you believe me- I'm so sorry, Gillian."
"Ryan and no one else is responsible for keeping you sober, Hayley. You have to do that. Ryan wasn't yours to borrow. Can't you see how you hurt Mateo? I agree he's not blameless, but do you plan on going with some man every time there's a problem and you want a drink? Take it from me,it doesn't work. You should be honest with h im instead of playing nice for him only to hurt yourself. I realize you have a serious problem with alcohol, but I don't have to give you my man and be understaning about it just because it's you."
"You and Ryan were already divorced..." she began.
"Not in our hearts and you knew how we felt- you KNEW! And you kept going to him, thinking you were entitled. You were selfish, Hayley. I heard alcoholism makes the sufferer oblivious to everything and everyone except their own next drink. Oh, I know you weren't alone. Ryan was right there with you He was making damned sure he was becoming the jerk he always told me he was. He hurt me more than anything and he'll never even know how much. I wasn't even in the equation- Mateo, yes- but not poor, dumb Gillian! She's just some obligation that rears her ugly head every now and then- deal with now and forget it for awhile."
"He loves you, Gillian."
"So he says. He wants to try again, but how can I ever trust what he says? How do I know he's not telling you the same thing? How can I believe him when he tells me he's never loved anyone but me? Do you know how much that meant to me to hear Ryan say that? And you took that away- both of you! You took away the trust I had in my heart for him. I know I was unfaithful to Ryan and I had to earn his trust back and it was hard as hell for him so maybe I have no right to talk." she finally conceded this point.
"You had your reasons." Hayley said quietly.
I'M ABOUT TO LOSE MY HUSBAND BECAUSE HE WOULD RATHER CHASE AFTER YOUR SHADOW THAN BE WITH ME!
"Oh, yes I did," assured Gillian. "And it's funny, but you always seem to be creeping around there among those reasons all the time and as much as I blame you and would like to continue to do so, I really can't give you all the credit..."
Hayley was surprised at this comment. She waited anxiously for her to continue.
"Ryan has the fundamental problem. Obviously, I'm not the one for him or he wouldn't go looking for you. You didn't exactly hold a gun to his head, did you. He just doesn't want to be mine. Oh, I blame you for always wanting his attention. You always seem to want and need someone's attention you just can't seem to function. I used to be like you and I never saw how awful I must've been to deal with until now."
Hayley looked down guiltily. "He loves you, Gillian with all his heart. He's just so afraid of loving you honestly and having you taken away. Don't give up on him- he's just lost his way."
"I'm not in the lost and found business. He's burned me. He made me believe I was special to him. I don't know if I can recover from that. He never, ever had time left for me and I don't think he cared-he was too busy worshipping at your feet; his ideal woman. I had to hunt around and ask him for moments together, Hayley. How humilliating is that- having to look over my shoulder for you?!"
"Is that it, Gillian?" Hayley asked pointedly. "You want to be Ryan's reason for living- be his life's blood? Is that the problem? Because he wants a friend to talk to and share with, sometimes- now who's being selfish?"
"Well, why not?" Gillian asked, her anger boiling again. " As his wife, I was entitled to that when he said he loved me. I wanted him to turn to me, to talk to me, not you. But you just loved that you had that part of him instead of me. Don't deny it- it goes just fine with your image of having it over me. I wanted him to share his life with me- all of it. And there was a time when he was starting to do that, but you came right back into it. I had a right to expect the father of my child to be there with me when I lost our daughter- maybe his 'best friend' could've just handled herself that night for once- what do you think, Hayley? she finished, sarcastically.
"You'll never know how sorry I am about your little girl, Gillian," Hayley told her. "Ryan was thrilled about having her- he was totally devastated after that. I've only seen him that unhappy after you divorced him. He lost both of you and that killed him."
"You don't have to tell me how my husband feels," Gillian said defensively. "And I don't want to talk about my baby with you- I don't feel like sharing her."
"Ok." she agreed.
"Hayley, I want to ask you to do something for me. Remember when Mateo first told you he loved you and only you? Remember how you felt?"
Hayley smiled at the memory as images only she could see went through her thoughts.
"Now imagine you see him with Raquel or some other woman and they were lost in each other's embrace and they didn't even know you were there."
The smile slowly vanished from the other girl's face and her eyes turned dark.
"Now, how do you feel?" asked Gillian.
What could Hayley say? The realization of the whole situation was written across her face and she knew Gillian felt she had made her point.
"Don't ever forget what you're feeling right now and thank God every day that Mateo isn't putting you through what you and Ryan did to me. I live with this- and Lord help me- I still love him. I'm still so in love with him, I'm ashamed of myself- there isn't anything I wouldn't do for him, even now. And every day, I have to find a way to live with that."
Gillian was depressed now and got up out of the chair. She looked only briefly at Hayley before she got her things and walked away to continue her work. Hayley stared after her and for a brief moment, wanted to go after her and beg forgiveness- she understood now and she wanted to tell her that and to fight for Ryan, but Gillian wasn't going to forgive her and she knew it. She suddenly didn't even know if she could forgive herself...
Gillian's room at Myrtle's was littered with dozens of dresses and outfits from her closet and she stood in the middle of it all and looked around in a combination of worry and amazement. She had wanted to work off her frustrations with Hayley and find something to wear to SOS tonight, but this was too much! Labels such as xoxo, Christian Dior, and Trio mingled with Bisou Bisou, Donna Karan, Calvin Klein and Valentino.
"How did I make this mess?!" She asked herself out loud as a pile of shoes that she made by the bed tumbled to her feet.
"I have nothing to wear," she decided. "And all this stuff is threatening to bury me alive!"
She knew she shouldn't be making this much fuss over just seeing Ryan at SOS (though she was unsuccessfully trying to convince herself that she was happy to be seeing Jake there, too). She just couldn't help the shivers of anticipation that coursed through her body at the thought that she might have a dance with her ex-husband and feel his warm, soft skin against hers!
"I want to be a little bare." she decided.
Looing at the clock on her desk, she grabbed her purse and left the room as another pile of her clothes slid off of a chair from their weight and crashed to the floor...
Gillian was back with a large shopping bag an hour later and made her way around all her wardrobe items ( somewhat like going through a minefield, Ryan had told her) and headed for the bathroom as she dropped the bag at the door. Stripping clothes and shoes as she went, she made it to the shower and afterwards, threw her towel on the floor and went to her make-up table which was so cluttered, she thought maybe it was in danger of being condemned!
IT LOOKS LIKE A COSMETICS FACTORY EXPLODED!
Soon, her make-up done, hair in an easy upsweep, she in a black, strapless, lacy bustier and undies went over to the shopping bag and pulled out her dress. Gillian held up and admired the deep wine colored above-the-knee slipdress that was made up of two thin layers. A filmy underslip peeked through a crocheted layer and thin, tiny shoestring straps were all that held up the silky garnment which molded to her body, but was not tight. Simple and seductive, she had fallen in love with it at first sight and looked no further.
She slipped on high-heeled, strappy, black sandles and took her small, black evening purse and after ckecking herself in the mirror, left her room and the boardinghouse.
Getting into the car that Edmund had given her for her use when she had been at Wildwind, she drove to Hayley and Mateo's latin nightclub, Sounds of Salsa.
As she stepped inside, she made her way over to the bar and sat down.
After a few minutes of looking around and letting the soft, rhythmic salsa music flow through her, she heard that familliar voice.
"Hello, Princess." Ryan said quietly and she turned to see him staring at her as if in a trance and smile softly.
"Hello, Ryan." she answered back nervously as the music engulfed them in its pulsating power...
to be continued...
(end of part 7)
Disclaimer: all the capitalized lines are directly from the show.