"THIS TIME AROUND"
By: gb
Chapter 5
The first drops of rain began falling as Ryan and Gillian approached the street of the boardinghouse. By the time they made it to the front door, it was coming down in sheets around them along with thunder and lightning.
While there had been silence between them as they walked home from the restaurant, now getting soaked to the skin was bringing about shouts and Gilli’s shrieks as they urged each other to get inside as fast as possible.
“Gilli, hurry up!” yelled Ryan.
“I don’t want to ruin my shoes!”
“Like you don’t have a million others!”
"Stop yelling at me!”
“Any century, Princess before we end up in a puddle and the lead story on the local news!”
“You’re such an egomaniac- the lead story, really!” she shot back.
“Knowing you, Gilli, you wouldn’t want to drown because you’re not dressed right!”
“What’s wrong with my clothes?” she wanted to know.
“God, I’m sorry I even brought this up- you’re fine! ‘From our lovely Summer Thunderstorm Collection, ladies and gentlemen…’”
Gillian tried to smack his arm and lost her footing. Ryan winced as Gillian almost fell off of her high heels so he picked her up and carried her to the door despite her initial protests. Ryan opened the front door and the two scrambled in and shut it behind them. Their noises died down as they surveyed each other’s conditions and they both burst out laughing!
“Do we look like a couple of drowned cats or what?!” Ryan exclaimed smoothing back his hair with his hand. “Are you ok?”
She nodded. Her wet hair hung straight down the sides of her face with water dripping from it and her clothes, like his, was plastered to her skin. “I think I need a hot shower before I catch my death!”
“Me, too,” Ryan agreed. “I guess I’ll go home now if you’re sure you’re ok.”
“Ryan, you can’t go out there now,” Gillian told him. “You’ll drown before you reach the sidewalk!”
“Gotta get home,” he said.
“In this? No way,” she stated. “Stay the night here.”
“Myrtle’s got a good heart, but I don’t think she’s going to appreciate my soaking up her couch.” Ryan looked over at the sofa.
“No, Ryan,” Gillian explained. “I meant upstairs with me. Stay over and you can leave in the morning. Your clothes will be a lot drier and the storm will be over.”
“I don’t think that’s such a hot idea, Princess,” he said quietly. “You and I never handled close quarters well since the split.”
“Ryan,” she answered. “We’re both drenched and if we don’t dry off, we’ll end up in the hospital so I only have time to say this once, so pay attention, please. We may not be married anymore, but we care about each other and have some really deep feelings that are never gonna go away. I love you- I don’t want you out in this wet weather where you could get seriously sick or hurt. Please stay with me until the morning.”
Ryan looked at her and saw the truth of her words in her eyes. There was a maturity there now that had been nonexistent when they were first married and he suspected that Dimitri’s death had something to do with it, but he knew that mostly it had been losing Janie…
He tried to smile into her eyes to show her that he returned her feelings. “I guess if it’s so important to you, I’ll stay- I really appreciate it, Gilli,” he finished, rather embarrassed.
Gillian led the way upstairs to her room. The two walked inside and softly closed the door behind them.
Gillian offered Ryan the shower first. “Now that I think about it, there are a couple pairs of your shorts that you left behind in the back of the bottom drawer.”
Ryan knew this. He had taken everything with him, but had in fact left just a few things here and decided he would do without them so he could somehow feel a part of him was still here, sharing this room with her.
He nodded and asked in his slicker than silk way, “ Sure there’s still enough room on that bed for us both?”
“Oh, there’s enough room,” Gillian assured him matter of factly. “You can take the floor. I’ll make up your bed for you while you shower.”
Ryan looked sheepish and tried hard not to show his disappointment. Even doing nothing but sleeping, the thought of lying next to her again made the blood in his veins race harder! She, however, did not miss his look.
“What’s wrong, Ryan? Did you think I asked you up here to share my bed with me?”
Before he could answer her back, she continued in a tight voice, “If that’s what you wanted, maybe you should’ve taken Hayley home.”
She hadn’t been able to stop her biting remark and was sorry the moment the words were out of her mouth- and she just couldn’t apologize anymore. Maybe she wasn’t as over this as she thought.
“Princess, there’s nothing between Hayley and me. I know I can’t make you believe me, but that is the truth. You’re the first and only woman I’ve ever loved.” Ryan told her quietly.
“The first woman you say it to and mean it,” she said, almost to herself.
“When I didn’t mean it, I could easily say it to get what I wanted. And then you came around and I meant it and I couldn’t say it. That’s when I realized it was true.”
“Then how could you break my heart?” she wanted to know.
She looked so lost, so childlike and innocent, that he wanted to cry.
MY BED WAS TOO BIG AND TOO EMPTY WITHOUT YOU…
“Gilli, “ he began.
“Oh, forget it, Ryan,” she said in a quiet tiredness. “Let’s just put our ghost to rest and get ready for bed.”
Ryan had wanted to talk, try to make her understand that he wasn’t such a jerk, but in the split second that he had failed to answer her, the moment had passed and now she wasn’t interested. He vowed that he would not let another one slip away. For now, he just nodded and headed for the shower. He returned a few minutes later feeling warm and comfortable, a long, fluffy bathtowel wrapped around his narrow waist. Gillian, who had made a nice, comfortable makeshift bed for him on the floor had been slowly pacing the floor, her arms wrapped around herself, waiting for her turn in the bath. She was anxious since she knew Ryan might want to talk further. When she stopped and looked up as he came back into the main room, what she saw told her her uneasiness was do to something else as well: From the tip of his head to the soles of his feet, Ryan Lavery was just the most good looking man she had ever seen anywhere!
YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL, RYAN…
His intelligence was a given, but his looks were the goods! His athletic build, complete with the requisite broad shoulders and chest, well developed and muscled arms also included a stomach that was so flat, it looked like it was lying down even when he was standing up. Gillian had heard his abdomen referred to as ‘washboard’ and her own nickname for him had been ‘six pack’- a phrase she had learned on tv. His trim waist and hips gave way to muscled, powerful thighs and long legs evened out on top with his movie star face- Harrison Ford had nothing on her man!
TALL, TONED, AND TAN- LIKE A TV STAR…
In short, Ryan was 6’2” of pure handsome! When they had been married and used to go to the gym, the women there would fall over themselves staring and whenever they were out together, the ladies would look at Gillian with a combination of envy and outright hostile jealousy. She couldn’t blame them- she now saw that while she truly was in love with him the way a wife should be with her husband, there was also a healthy dose of hero worship involved. She had a crush on him! Oh, God, she thought! This now on top of everything else! She was surprised that she didn’t have posters of him plastered all over her walls in here like all the other lovestruck groupies did with their idols! She couldn’t let him know- couldn’t give him that to have over her! She’d die of humiliation!!
I’M ON TO YOU, PRINCESS. YOU MARRIED ME FOR MY MONEY, BUT ON OUR HONEYMOON, YOU FELL FOR ME- DENIED IT LIKE CRAZY, BUT I KNEW BETTER. I SAW STARS IN YOU EYES INSTEAD OF DOLLAR BILLS…
Ryan seemed oblivious to her thoughts as he once again went back into the bathroom and came back in a pair of lose boxer shorts.
“Your turn.” He smiled at her.
She was about to go in when he asked her, “Do you still have that dark blue blanket of ours?”
“Oh, gosh, yes. I’m sorry. I forgot the blanket.”
She went over to the bureau and opening the large bottom drawer, started to take out the blanket, but something jangled underneath it, hitting against the bottom panel.
“Ryan, can you help me?” she called.
He came over and the two of them pulled out the blanket and Ryan felt underneath to see what was catching on its threads. Pulling it away, he opened his hand and the two stared in shocked silence as they saw a tiny gold linked bracelet with the inscription, ‘Jane’. Neither of them could look at the other as they both looked down and watched the blanket fall, the bracelet still in Ryan’s hand.
WELL…HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT…CHILDREN?…
Gillian shivered from a cold that she knew was not because of her wet clothes, but still, she said nothing. How could she not remember where she had kept that id bracelet?!
Finally, Ryan spoke quietly. “Should I just leave this in here?”
She nodded.
He couldn’t look at her yet. So he just kept looking at that blanket, counting each of its threads in his head.
“Thanks for the blanket.”
Again, a nod.
Ryan’s legs were feeling like lead and threatening to give way, and he felt like he’d been punched in the gut, but he couldn’t move.
“You want to take that shower now before you catch a cold?”
Gillian found her legs and automatically walked towards the bathroom.
“You gonna be ok?” he called to her, finally raising his head but not quite looking at her.
“Yeah…”
“Gillian,…” he now looked at her.
“I’m fine, Ryan. Just let it be. We’ll both be fine.”
“I’m not fine. I’ll never be fine and neither will you.”
The urge to lash out and scream, ‘And whose fault is that?!’ was so strong, Gillian gritted her teeth to fight it! Besides, somewhere in her heart, she knew she could not really blame him, could she? She didn’t think so…and she didn’t want to, totally. After all, Hayley was there…Hayley was there with her bit for the death of Gillian’s daughter!!
“Maybe we should talk about it,” suggested Ryan slowly, his voice unsteady.
“I don’t WANT to talk about it,” she said. “I want to forget it.”
“You think you can do that?”
“I can try,” she replied. “And I was almost doing that until…”
“Well, maybe we can both try,” Ryan said testily. “We can try to bury it- bury it so deep and get it so lost that sometimes we can actually make ourselves believe that we’re over it. But you know what, Gilli? We’ll never be over it, because she was ours we created her one magical time when everything was right in this world for us for a moment. And then she was taken from us- snatched right out of our hands and that moment will be with us forever. Remember the morning we made her?”
She did and nodded. After her drunken introduction to margaritas at the opening of Hayley’s and Mateo’s nightclub SOS when she had told him she had filed for divorce and he hadn’t tried to stop her and her whole world crashed around her. Ryan had taken her home. Even through a boozy haze, she could feel the attraction between them and she had desperately wanted him to make love with her. But he hadn’t and she knew he wouldn’t because she had believed he hadn’t wanted her. Early next morning, before the sun had even come up, she woke up to find he had stayed the night and slept in the chair next to her.
Glancing at each other, a part of them both had told them to stop, but a greater part of them had wanted this for so long that neither had the power to deny the other anything and so they hadn’t spoken a word, but molded together in each other’s arms and shared a passion that had been meant to be from the moment they had met.
Afterwards, they spoke nothing about their time together and each had gone their own way and their divorce went through as planned. When it was finalized, Gilli had been sick and soon learned that she was about to become a mother for Ryan’s child! Her initial shock and confusion gave way to euphoric joy and a secret hope locked away in her heart for her and Ryan to join together again. Ryan met the news with apprehension and fright, but Gillian saw the real happiness in the corners of his eyes when he looked at her and there had been no mistaking h is true feelings as h e kneeled before her, wrapped his arms around her waist and placed a soft, tender kiss on her stomach as she lovingly held his head. They hadn’t gotten back together, but Ryan had been as devoted as he could be to the baby and for that she had been glad. They were still awkward and distant with each other, but at least Janie hadn’t suffered.
Janie. Ryan had picked the name as soon as they knew they were having a daughter. Gillian had offered Gail for Ryan’s mother, but he had been completely against it, not wanting any more reminders of his emotionally destructive childhood. So, “Lady” Jane it was with either Eugenia or Claudia (Gillian’s mom) for a second name.
But her pregnancy had never gone well and her damaged kidney had always loomed and there had been whatever it was between Ryan and Hayley. The kiss… then the fallout, and the anger, tears, and her shattered dreams and her beloved Dimitri’s death and finally that last confrontation with Hayley herself and the deep pains in her middle after she had thrown the other woman out.
When they wouldn’t go away, she had collapsed and Myrtle had found her and she and Jake rushed her to the ER, all while she had kept crying out Ryan’s name and begging for him to come to her and Janie. Someone had finally found him (at Hayley’s no less!), but he had been too late. By the time he was at Gillian’s side, Janie was gone and a part of her parents had gone with her.
Neither had known what to say, but Ryan had somehow taken his dazed ex-wife in his arms and whispered over and over, “We’ll try again, Princess. Right away, as soon as you’re able. We’ll try again.”
But she had said nothing and had let him talk all he wanted while Edmund had insisted Gillian get better while living back at Wildwind.
She didn’t argue she didn’t care where she was now. She went into full emotional shutdown which had taken months to go away and she eventually moved back to Myrtle’s. She and Ryan never spoke of what happened and slowly drifted apart over the loss of their precious baby girl until they barely saw each other at all alone and she leaned more and more on Jake to help cope. Until Ryan started fighting back for her. Until this afternoon and this evening. Until now and this moment between them.
“Well, I remember that morning, too, Gillian,” Ryan told her. “And the night we lost her and every moment in between. You’ll never know how sorry I am that I never held her in my arms, but even now, I’m holding her in my heart. She was mine too, Princess.”
“What heart, Ryan?” she demanded, wrapping a towel around herself to keep warm. “If you had one, the only person who would have a place in it would be Hayley!”
He knew she was looking for an argument and against his better judgement, found himself giving her one.
“This isn’t about Hayley.”
“It’s ALWAYS about Hayley! Her and her life and her stupid problems. Saving precious ‘Princess Hayley’! Does it ever occur to either one of you that the world doesn’t revolve around your little darling Mrs. Santos!”
“Well, you used to think it revolved around you, Gillian.” He shot back.
Momentarily, the deathly quiet of the room filled her senses.
“I’m sorry.” Ryan came to her. He wanted to warm her up- she was shaking now. But she moved away.
“No, why should you be?” she asked. “You’re right- I was spoiled and selfish. But, I’m better now and getting better every day.”
“Yes, you are.” He smiled quietly.
“But, that’s not enough, is it?” she continued. “ ‘Cause I’ll never measure up to Hayley. I’ll always be a poor, distant second choice to her for you- the one you take because you can’t have the one you want.”
“That’s not true, Gilli,” he tried to stop her words. They were like blows to his hear!
“Even that night, when I needed you most- when Janie needed you- you were with her.”
“I went over there looking for you, I swear. Myrtle had told me she had seen you two together earlier.”
“And you stayed. Just like you always do. I needed you, Ryan. I was losing our baby and I wanted you there! Why couldn’t you once, just once, put me first?!”
What could he say? He wanted to keep his friendship with Hayley- she was the only real one he had and they were so similar. But, Gillian was the love of his life and what he had done to her that night weighed so heavily in his heart, the guilt threatened to eat him alive!
“Why couldn’t she leave you alone?” she was almost whispering. “She has so much. All I had was you- you were all I wanted- you and Janie. How envious I was of her. The way you kept her on a pedestal- your kindness and warmth to her. I kept asking myself what I was missing.”
GOD, PRINCESS. I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND. I’M SORRY- I’M SO SORRY…
He was silent as he really listened to her now.
As she looked at him, he asked, “Was someone there for you? A friend you could turn to to talk and stuff- you know, when you were back at Wildwind?”
“Jake helped me. Thank God for him.” She nodded.
Ribbons of white, hot jealousy weaved through his whole body, his temper barely restrained. He kept silent.
Gillian knew better. “Angry now, Ryan?” she asked pointedly. “Because he was there and you weren’t? Well, I needed someone and you were too busy with you're “best friend”.
“I wasn’t with Hayley- not really. I just…I just didn’t know what to say… what to do…and I was hurting, too. I was just totally messed up in the head. I couldn’t make the pain go away.” Ryan finished, looking down.
“I needed you. I needed you to mourn with me- I needed you to share our pain. She was ours together. Why couldn’t you, just once, look at me the way you do, Hayley?” She asked painfully. “Why did you hate being my white knight so much? Why was I such a bother?!”
YOU WANT TO BE AN HONORABLE MAN…YOU JUST DIDN’T WANT TO BE THOSE THINGS FOR ME…
“Oh, Baby, you were never a bother,” he tried to reassure her. Again, he reached out for her and she continued to move out of his grasp.
“Am I ugly because I’m not blond or is my face and body that bad?!”
OH, BABY, NEVER…
“Gillian, you couldn’t be ugly if your life depended on it.”
“Do I not please you? Are you just not attracted to me, then? Is that it? Maybe you don’t want me- it happens. I just don’t turn suit you.”
“Don’t want you?” he repeated her. “Are you crazy?! Princess, get it straight: Since I’ve known you, there have been times I’ve been so angry with you, I think I’m going to strangle the both of us, but from the second I met you, there hasn’t been a moment- I repeat a moment- when I didn’t think you where the most gorgeous woman I ever saw and when I didn’t want you so bad, my teeth ached!”
I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL…I ALWAYS WANTED YOU…
“Then what is it? What does Hayley have that I don’t have?” she pleaded with him. “Or maybe it’s just because I’m not her.”
BECAUSE I’M NOT HAYLEY…WHY COULDN’T IT BE ME AND NOT HAYLEY?!
“No, that’s not it, Baby.” He answered her softly, looking into her eyes.
“Then what is it, Ryan? If you don’t, you don’t. Just say, ‘ I don’t like you, Gillian. Just please go away!’”
“I could never say that- neither one of us could. We could never say goodbye and really mean it, you know that.”
She nodded.
Ryan sat down on the edge of the bed and looked up at her and spoke again.
“You are everything I always wanted, Princess. Growing up and wanting a woman- you were my every desire, but I never thought I’d ever be this lucky. And then when I got you, I just didn’t think I’d be able to keep you- I just thought you’d get taken away. And when that happened, I wouldn’t survive. Where I come from, a guy like me would’ve been arrested for even looking at someone like you. I have no right to want you, to love you. You were always too good for me, Gillian Andrassy and when I saw that I was falling in love, it scared me to death!”
I’M PETRIFIED OF…WHATEVER IT IS THAT’S HAPPENING BETWEEN US…
“I only wanted to love you, Ryan- to hold you and care for you and love you, but at least be with you, if nothing else. I adore you, darling man, mein leibling.”
“What does that mean?” he wondered.
“In German, my beloved, my darling.”
Ryan’s heart went balistic!
“The man you that you love is the type that’s always getting kicked to the curb at any time. The type that used to wait on you back in Hungary. During your days at the palace, with your princes and kings, I’ll bet you never thought you’d have to deal with anything so common like me. You’re my dream, Gilli…and I just don’t want anything bad to happen to my dream.”
“Then why are you back?” she asked, fighting back her tears. Oh, how could he hurt her as he had and then touch her to her to her soul with nothing but his words?!
“I told you…I could never say good-bye and really mean it. I kept turning you away over and over. I hurt you and living with that is killing me. I want to stay away, but I just can’t…I can’t make myself anymore.”
“But you don’t have any problem being with Hayley,” she pointed out. “Taking care of her, being her savior…kissing her all the time. You’re not afraid of hurting her.”
“Don’t you get it, Baby? She’s my best friend- we’re a lot alike and I love her that way. But I couldn’t ever hurt her…not in a million years…because I’m not in love with her. Only you…always only you…you’re the one, my beautiful, sweet Princess.”
YOU’RE THE ONLY WOMAN I’VE EVER LOVED…I COULDN’T EVEN SAY THE WORDS UNTIL I MET YOU…
“Do you normally run around kissing women you don’t love?” she countered.
“A mistake, Gillian. A really big, shameful mistake. I have no excuse.” He tried not to flinch under her gaze. “We were wrong and we know that. Nothing made sense about me except you.”
LOVING YOU AND BEING LOVED BY YOU MADE MY WHOLE WORLD MAKE SENSE…
Gillian was tired- they’d never agree about Hayley, but she felt they understood each other a little more today than yesterday. And Janie. They finally talked about Janie- for the first time since that night.
“I want to sleep now, Ryan.” She said wearily.
He nodded and she went to the bathroom to shower and dry off as Ryan switched off the light and got in the bed that she had made for him. She came out a few minutes later and he watched her silhouette in the darkness bathed only by streetlights coming in through the windows. An angel that had found her way into his life and his heart.
BUT, RYAN, YOU’VE GOT AN ANGEL ON YOUR SHOULDERS…
Each drifted slowly off to sleep or tried to as best as they could after the emotion from their talk took its toll…
The bed’s too big again, Gillian thought as she tried to force sleep to come to her. For months, since Ryan had left her, she’d been forcing herself every night to not notice that she slept alone like before she married him. Tonight, it was unbearable and she hated this bed where they once made love. Devastated, she got out of it and took herself over to the chair by the window and curled herself in it, but now she felt even this was too big for all her loneliness. She didn’t know that Ryan was watching her, his heart aching at her misery. He wanted to go to her, but knew that she would only push him away. Gillian stared at the window, but that elusive sleep she so desperately craved would not be hers tonight and she knew what she wanted.
YOU’RE ALL I EVER WANTED IN THIS WHOLE WORLD…
Gillian carefully made her way to where Ryan lay sleeping. Please, God, just let me have this one night, she thought. I know I let him go, and I promised. But, I need him and for the life of me, I’ll never get through this night without sleeping next to him. She tried not to wake him as she slipped next to him on the floor. She didn’t touch him- it was enough that she knew he was there. Ryan’s body stiffened as he had watched her come over to him.
He turned over and they glanced at each other. Gillian reached for his hand and guided it to her stomach which was bare below the short top of her pajamas.
He lowered his face to her lips and after barely brushing them with his own, he whispered, “Did you heal ok…afterwards?”
“Yes,” she whispered back. “I think so.”
“I can’t make it better, Baby,” he said. “Not this one, but I am sorry. Sorry for us.”
He bent his head to her stomach and brushed at it back and forth with his lips.
I’LL KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER…
At her sharp intake of breath, he raised his head and gathered her to him.
“Oh, Ryan. Our baby, our sweet gift!” she could no longer hold back her anguish.
“Our angel.” Ryan agreed helplessly.
Tears streamed down their faces together as they mourned Janie as only grieving parents would. Neither one had allowed even a single tear to fall since that night for fear that once they started, they wouldn’t be able to stop. Now, the sorrow over their daughter flowed freely down their faces, mingling with each other’s.
“I wanted her so much,” Gillian openly sobbed. “She was you here inside of me.” She pointed to herself.
“No, she was you,” Ryan answered. “A reminder for me of my Princess who gave her to me.”
“We’ll never know her laughter or her joys and watch her play and learn and one day fall in love like we did.”
“We never watch her grow up with your eyes, Ryan.”
“Or your smile, Gilli or look at her and see the love we shared together- a love strong enough to have her.”
“I want her back .” Gillian cried. “Right here in our arms where she belongs.”
“We can, Baby,” he told her. “Her soul. We can try again. Just say the word. I’d really like to if you’re willing.”
“You’re not afraid?”
“No. I’m afraid that if I don’t, I’ll never know that sweet joy you gave me when you told me you were having my child. You made me happy, Gillian. I was scared and we weren’t together, but we were happy, weren’t we?”
“Oh, yes, my darling Ryan. We were.”
He buried his face into her chest and she rested her hers on top of his head and they cried themselves to sleep together as the rain poured down throughout the night…
End of chapter 5
To be continued….
NEXT CHAPTER