"This Time Around"
By: gb
Chapter 31
Ryan and Gillian entered their room at Wildwind and Ryan closed the door.
"Ryan-" Gillian began, but she never finished.
At that moment, Ryan exploded and in quick strides, his long legs crossed to her. Taking her face in his hands, he caught her completely off guard as his mouth came down on hers! Gillian had known he was upset this whole evening because she had had to go with Jake to SOS, but amazingly, he had remained calm until now.
He now kissed her hungrily in a desperate attempt to make her forget anyone else but him! Gillian tried to get her arms around him and soothe his emotions but Ryan, himself, broke apart from her. Releasing her, his breath, like hers, ragged and labored, he looked at her and Gillian thought she saw what looked like...guilt?!
"I can't do this to you!" he exclaimed, furious at himself for losing control like that! " I can't hurt you like this!"
"Hurt me?" she asked, confused.
"I was so angry tonight, Princess!" he said. "Seeing you with Jake...I know it's not your fault- it's mine! I was an idiot to let you go! Now you've found Jake and he's so much more than I ever could be-no one would blame you if you wanted him and not me!"
She didn't try to deny his words...exactly.
"Jake was a very good friend when I desperately needed one." she said quietly.
"I know. Mateo is a good friend, but Gilli, I know you had real feelings for Jake Martin." Ryan told her.
"Yes," she agreed. "I did- I do and maybe if I had met him some other time in my life, who knows? He's a great man and has a generous heart that's so rare with people these days. There hasn't been a moment when he hasn't done something for me just to make me comfortable. Jake loves me and he wants to show it. I won't pretend he doesn't have a special place in my heart, Ryan."
Ryan swallowed. Jake must've busted a gut when Gillian had called it off between them! Given enough time, it may have been Ryan whom Gilli had left. Ryan may have had all the slick moves,but obviously Jake hadn't stepped out of line even once!
"Why didn't you choose Jake?" he asked softly, really wanting to know. "I'm not complaining- it's his big loss! But, Baby, what swung it my way?"
Gillian looked at him a moment and sighed. She was going to be totally up front to him about this. Let him deal with it however he wanted.
"My heart, Ryan." she said simply. "I already gave it to you and no matter how much I think of Jake, I just can't bear to give it away to anyone else because since you came around, it just wasn't mine to give away anymore."
Ryan stood humbled and didn't say a word.
"I'm sorry this is so much for you to deal with- my love and all." Gillian apologized. "But
I'm not sorry about it and I won't take it back. You deal with it."
"I never meant to take what you so lovingly gave to me and push it aside- I never meant to hurt you like that, Baby."
She shrugged. "You did."
"I'm so ashamed at how much I almost threw away, Gillian." Ryan was finding it damned difficult to face her now, but he didn't look away.
Gillian told him the rest since she had nothing left to lose now as far as she was concerned.
"I told you our marriage was a lonely place for me- it was. There were times when I couln't stand to be around you- somehow you just had a way of making me feel really bad about myself. I was so worthless to you! I wanted to not to care about you so much! Every day I told myself that that day, you woulnn't matter anymore and I would be glad when we could end our marriage and I'd be free. Then every night, I'd lie in this bed and you would haunt me. I'd wait thinking just maybe you might show up after all."
Ryan spoke quietly now and freed his heart to her mercy.
"I wanted to think you were shallow and spoiled and nothing anyone would want. I wanted you to be that worthless person, Baby," he admitted. "Because then I could hide behind that and not have to admit how I really felt about you."
He went over to their bed and sat down and she followed him there, but remained standing.
"I was scared because I think I've always somehow known that you were alot more and it scared the hell out of me that I knew I would never be able to walk away from you and have any peace left in my life."
Once he started drop this burden of thoughts and feelings from himself, he didn't seem to be able to stop.
"I didn't ever want to want and need someone so much that I couldn't do without- you were everything I was terrified that I needed and just craved! I forced myself to stay away at night, Baby- you don't know how hard that was! You're right- I didn't understand your lonliness. I wish I could go back and change that. I wish somene had taught me how to care and love."
She put her and hand under his chin and tilting his face up to hers, said, "No one bothered to teach either of us- they left us alone and scared...but I think you know how anyway, " she was whispering to him now. "I think you love just fine... when you let yourself."
"You just always surprised me and my heart just wouln't take no for an answer anymore." he smiled.
"After christmas, whenever we made love, I would..." she started to make a confession of her own, but stopped.
"Would what?" Ryan asked.
"Nothing." she finished, changing her mind. He wouldn't understand her state of mind then and anyway she was over it now, she thought.
Ryan rose from the the bed and followed her as she dropped her shoes on the floor after slipping them off her feet. He came to her and held her face in his hands.
"I'm sorry for what I did- for everything."
She placed her hands over his.
"I hurt you again tonight and embarrassed you too. God, Gillian, will you forgive me?"
She didn't speak, but nodded while holding onto his hands.
She leaned to kiss him, but he pulled back.
"No, Gilli. I don't think I can- not like this. I don't want it to be in anger- I don't ever want it to be like that."
He held her to him then and for a few moments, neither moved; each lost in the moment.
Ryan then began to brush his lips over hers ever so softly.
Gillian returned his affections and placed small kisses on his face.
When the simple gestures had actually escalated into more, neither one could quite recall later. Ryan lingered more and more on her lips and cheeks and then began carressing her shoulder blades. Gillianmoaned softly as she stroked his forearms. She reached behind her and guided his hands to the zipper in the back of her dress and he lowered it and slipped the red gown to the floor while she began to unbutton his shirt.
"God, I want you, Ryan!" she cried out to him.
"Have me whenever you want, Princess!" he told her, laughing softly.
She freed the last button and practically tore the shirt off of him in her hurry, but neither paid attention as she was already at work on his pants.
When she was done, he slowly kissed her again, teasing her gently and agonizingly slow.
He then helped her with her strapless, red bodysuit which soon joined her dress and shoes in a heap on the ground nearby. Gillian felt on fire as instead of going over to the bed, Ryan lowered her to the plush, thick carpet that covered the floor of their room and laid her there and joined her. Sheets of white heat ran through her as he kissed her body awake, murmuring the sweetest words of love and affection to her! Gillian's body arched towards him, wanting his touches and guiding his hands for him. The yarns of the carpet felt like the finest silk against her back, but came in second to his hands and fingers as he followed them with his lips.
"Ryan, please let me..." she pleaded to him.
She sat up and carefully urged him to sit as she was on the floor opposite him and then she began to kiss him!
"Sweet Baby," he said, completely in her trance and surendering to her desire. Gillian was always generous and selfless in her loving for him and her affectionate nature touched him as always.
"Lie back." she whispered to him a few moments later and when he did so, she continued her exploration of his body while he held her head in his hands.
He then guided her back up to his face and he nibbled on her chin and neck. His mouth seemed to enjoy her shoulders and the base of her throat and lingered there forever as she tilted her head back to allow him more access. He slowly reached up and took the jeweled clip holding up her hair and released it, letting her dark, soft locks cascade down and he ran his hands through it.
"Promise you'll wear it down like this for me whenever we're together?" he asked.
"I promise." she smiled as her hair brushed her shoulders.
When neither of them could hold back any longer, he had her lie down again and they came together in a flame that engulfed them in its fury as it continually seared their skin and they both burned out of control over and over together and came apart in each other's arms!
"Ryan...I feel so good!" Gillian closed her eyes and called to him as they slowly came back to earth.
Ryan didn't speak, but held firmly to her hand.
Every time they were together, she managed to break through all of his defenses and leave them shattered around him, he realized. Every time, he willingly gave up more and more control. He should've been scared to death, but instead, he wanted to loose more and more of himself to her each time! The two lay there entwined on the carpet together...
Ryan got up and walked over to the bed when his breathing returned to normal. Gillian watched him return with with the bedcover to wrap around them. Gillian sighed as she looked at him, totally comfortable to be seen in his naked form as she was to see him.
She grabbed at his shirt that had been discarded earlier and put it on, its too long sleeves dangling from the end of her fingers. He, however, teased her by playing with the buttons and released them so that the shirt hung open. She sat opposite him on the floor, her legs going over his thighs and around his waist and they talked.
"You said something earlier about what used to happen after we made love," Ryan reminded her gently. "Tell me, please."
"I used to cry alot." she said after hesitating a moment.
"Why?" he asked, thoroughly confused.
"Because I was so ashamed! I wanted you SO much and kept throwing myself at you all the time. I was like a love-starved puppy and I'd remember how much I used to beg you to make love to me and how desperate I sounded! I was so starving-like and yet it would be the same next time! I couldn't get enough of loving you!"
"I hope you never do." he leaned over and nibbled on her throat and earlobes.
He remembered now that after they had reunited at christmas, Gillian would sometimes get moody and even slowly turn away from him. Her back to him, she would clasp his hand in hers and not speak for awhile. He had sometimes thought he'd heard her sobbing during those times she pulled apart from him after they had made love and he would gather her back. He had asked, but she had claimed that the cold weather was giving her sniffles. He now saw that it was also her pride that he'd crushed along with her heart, but her love for him had somehow kept her going. I don't even deserve to look at her!, he thought, discusted with himself. I'm just a user that she had the bad luck to meet!
Ryan leaned his head down into her breasts and overcome with emotion, cried; his arms around her waist. She could hear the slightest of sobs and she felt his tears on her skin and rocked him back and forth for a long time.
When his tears stopped, he kept placing feather light kisses on each breast and barely whispered, "Sorry..."
Much later, Ryan was still leaning against Gillian.
"I'm sorry I was such a jerk tonight." he told her.
Gillian knew Ryan had seen Jake try and kiss her. She knew Jake was not usually like that and made a mental note to talk to him and make sure he knows that it couldn't happen again. Ryan was no pushover and eventually, might come to blows with Jake over it!
"I'm a jealous idiot," he was now cradling her lower back.
She nodded teasingly now, but smiled as she then leaned into him.
Ryan wanted to get something to eat. He had been so busy going crazy over Gillian and Jake that he didn't bother with dinner.
Gillian giggled as she remembered a chocolate candybar in her purse.
"Sounds good to me." Ryan said and she got up and soon returned with it.
She took particular delight in how they each broke off little pieces and fed them to each other as they talked, slowly and sensuously, completelty enjoying the experience.
Eventually, Ryan got up, picked her up, still wrapped in the blanket, and carried her carefully over to the bed. He treated as if she were a fragile porcelain doll that might break if he held her too tight or drop her if he moved too fast.
The two cuddled up warmly next to each other with Ryan reaching under the shirt to hold onto her and ever so slightly carressing her bellybutton with his fingers and brushing occasional kisses on her head as they listened to the quiet of the night and fell asleep to the silence...
end of part 31
( To be continued...)
Next time: Gillian sets things straight with Jake and Hayley adds some hard words of truth to him about Ryan and Gillian...Mateo does the same to Ryan about his future behavior with the princess....