"THIS TIME AROUND"
By: gb
Chapter 16
Gillian and Mateo brought the things for Ryan into his room as he watched from his place on his hospital bed. His eyes followed her around the room as she began to arrange the various items that had taken her several trips to and from Mateo's car to get. Ryan thought that she looked just like a worker bee buzzing all around, totally oblivious to almost everything around her except her task at hand. Every now and then, she looked up at him and gave him one of her warm smiles. Obviously, she had learned much about patient care as a hospital volunteer. She was going to make a hell of nurse one day!
She won't need me anymore, he suddenly thought sadly. She's come so far and she's so strong now that soon, she'll outgrow me! I'll be the one who trails after her!
He pushed the thought forcefully out of his head. Gillian would always love him, he felt sure. What did it matter that there would be somethings she could do for herself? They could still share alot together.
He decided to concentrate on all the things she was bringing into the room. Ryan didn't realize he had all this stuff! Where had Gillian found all of this and how had she managed to get it all here?! he asked himself, his face a total look of shock and confusion as he watched her.
He looked to Mateo for an answer, but the other man was now standing by the door quietly, and he looked back helplessly and shrugged his shoulders. Gillian finished her work and then, pleased with her efforts as she surveyed the room, she looked at Ryan and smiled.
"There," she said. "I know it's not much, but I think you'll be able to manage."
Not much?! Was she kidding?! Ryan asked himself in wonder. Not wanting to hurt
Gillian's feelings, he smiled and said, "I think so. Thanks, Princess."
Gillian blushed slightly and came over to him.
Mateo took that as his que and bidding Ryan and Gillian goodbye, he left the room and closed the door quietly behind him. Gillian sat down on the stool and took Ryan's hand that he eagerly gave to her. Explaining that she could still stay longer even though the hour was late, she told him again how glad she was that he was alright.
"Thanks to you, Baby," Ryan assured her. "I'm glad you found me."
"Me,too. I know we haven't talked the last few days." she said.
Their fingers laced together and they watched their hands in silence for awhile as a comfortable warmth filled the room.
"I guess you didn't have any trouble finding anything." Ryan told her.
She shook her head. "I found our photo on the nightstand." She began carefully the subject that they needed to talk about now. The time had come...Ryan still continued to look contentedly at her, not understanding yet. Taking a deep breath, she went on, looking down at their hands.
"I know your gonna be mad, Ryan, but I opened that box next to it- I thought there were some magazines and books you might like in it."
She looked right at him now as both their hearts began to beat faster! He realized with a sinking feeling what she was telling him! She's seen it, he told himself. Gilli found it right where he remembered he'd left it. Even as he prayed that he was wrong, looking at her now, he knew that he had guessed right.
"Oh," he said quietly, looking away.
God,Princess! I never wanted you to see that! I haven't thought about that box in months! I couldn't let myself! His head screamed in anguished silence!
"I meant to put it away, really, Gillian," he said to her. " I guess I just never got around to it."
"I gave everything I got to Myrtle- even my...my maternity clothes." she told him.
"That little dark brown leopard print- what did you call it?- flying trapeze dress?" he asked her, his face lighting up as he remembered. "God, you looked so cute!"
"I was fat!" she laughed with him. "An Andrassy mother trait,I assure you, Ryan."
"Your thin limbs and that stomach- nothing but Lavery baby." he agreed.
"I was still a statue." she isisted good-naturedly.
"Statuesque." Ryan corrected gently laughing.
After a moment, he said soberly. "I'm sorry you saw that today."
"I'm not," she replied. "I guess I'm glad that I know you were looking forward to Janie."
"Oh, yeah," he said. "Gillian...I never really expected to feel all of these things in my life. I had all of these emotions churning inside and they were just going like crazy and being a parent...I just felt so overwhelmed with fear... but somewhere, there was this love that just came out of nowhere and blindsided me- knocked me out!"
"It was the same way for me, " Gillian agreed. "I felt so..."
"Responsible for someone?" he offered and she nodded.
"I kept asking myself why my parents never felt like this for my brother and me," he said.
"I mean how could they not go throught that pride? Why did they see it as such a burden?! Such bad luck? Why did they hate us so much?!"
"I don't know, Baby," responded Gillian, seeing some of what Ryan must have gone through as a child. "My father didn't have any use for me, either. I've been thinking, Ryan. Maybe we weren't the problem- maybe they were. Maybe they didn't know how to deal with life much. I've been searching my whole life for love and spent most of it lonely until I met you. If you can tell my why my father never thought I deserved much of his time, then I can show you why your parents couldn't love you and Braden. But we're ok, becaue we know how to love- we love each other and we love Janie. They didn't get us, Ryan, we're ok."
"You make it sound so easy- two lost souls who found each other and saved each other just like a movie."
"I didn't say it was easy," she reminded him. "After we lost Janie...I didn't think there was anything left..." she recalled sadly, remembering.
Ryan kissed her hand. "I felt like there was this hole i me tht I was walking around with...I just never felt so LOST in my life! How could I miss something so much that I never even thought I wanted?! How did she become so much a part of me so fast?! I remember feeling so damned bad that there were days when I didn't think I was going to make it!"
"I was so ANGRY," admitted Gillian. "I wanted to blame everyone! You, Hayley- God, I think I even blamed Janie for leaving! But I think I was mostly mad at me..." There! She had finally said it out loud!
"You?" Ryan asked, confused. "Why?"
"Because I couldn't keep her. I lost her-what kind of mother does that?! I felt so quilty..." she was openly crying now.
"No, Baby,no." Ryan gave her a little tug to pull her to him. "What happened wasn't your fault. I swear! Sometimes...sometimes, things just happen."
Ryan couldn't believe she was saying these things- that she felt these things!! This is what she was suffering alone- what they both went through alone! They should have been there for each other and they weren't! Shame washed over him as he held her in his arms and stroked her back, his IV line dangling from the back of his hand.
"Sh..Sh! It's ok." he soothed.
A few minutes later, she pulled away from him and continued quietly. "I was so empty for so long! I ached for you to hold me, Ryan. I just missed you- your arms around me- I wanted just to lie in your arms so much and have you fill my life again. I just wanted to be able to feel again!"
"To fill my silence," Ryan understood. "I remember that first night- first of many. I just sat on the bed wanting to cry. I couldn't cry, Gillian. No one showed me how to cry for someone you love. I wanted you there to make it better even though I knew you weren't coming. I just sat there the whole night thinking that if I just waited, this would go away any minute, but it didn't. Just like YOU never went away. You were so much a part of what I felt for Janie. She was so much you for me. I think when she was gone, to me, so were you."
Ryan realized he had talked more tonight about what was in his heart than ever before. He had expected to feel uptight, scared to give up so much of himself to her, but he didn't somehow. Instead, he felt strangely comfortable. She had found even more space with him.
"I almost called you a few times," he confessed. "I picked up the phone alot and once I had almost your whole number dialed...but I couldn't go through with it. Princess, you creep into my mind alot- when I'm at work, and in the middle of the night and I reach out for you and all I find is empty space! It's like being run over by a truck!"
Gillian listened as he continued. "once I was at the hospital and I saw you...you must've decided to go back to volunteering and you were talking to a paitient...it was so good to see you again! You were still as beautiful as I remembered. I was coming up to you and then I saw Jake with you...and well, remember when we had that fight before when you said you didn't want to see me anymore except for the baby before you miscarried? Well, I thought it would be better if we kept it that way."
She remembered that day. She was trying to find a way to fill her days so she wouldn't have to deal with anything and she recalled someone had mentioned seeing Ryan there that day. Against her better judgement, she had kept an eye out, her hopeful heart in her throat at the thought of seeing him, but she'd gone home in complete disappointment.
"You were so wrapped up with Hayley," said Gillian. "I felt so out of touch with you- so out of control. I didn't know what else to do. I was just at the end, Ryan. You were there for Janie whenever she needed you and you showed me that you were happy about her, but I never knew why I couldn't get your attention. Then you told me you were confused about what you felt for Hayley and it was like watching all my dreams getting crushed by someone's feet! I was so hurt- so broken. You finally broke me and I had to find a way to put me back together without you. I didn't want to keep you from Janie, but you were killing me!"
"I messed up everything, Baby," Ryan told her. "I just didn't know how to make it stop. I never expected that my life would end up being so worthless without you and Janie. I remember when we talked about having kids that time at christmas. That was the first time that I had the courage to admit that I wanted a family- with you. That was my dream! I actually dream, Gillian. Can you believe it?! Ryan Lavery dreams! You showed me how!"
"Of course he dreams," Gillian told him. "He has hopes like everyone else. He just needs to know that it's ok."
"Am I too old to dream anymore?" Ryan asked tiredly.
"No, Baby. Nobody's too old."
"Gilli, I know I keep saying this, but have you thought about another child?" he asked hopefully.
"I think we have some things to work out, but we can't rule it out." she said carefully.
A smile came to Ryan's beautiful face. As Gillian got up from her stool, the silver chain around her neck with the St.Christopher's medallion that Ryan had given her caught the overhead light and flashed a brilliant spectrum of color in Ryan's eyes.
"You still wear it?" he asked, reaching up to lightly finger it.
"My most precious thing that I have," Gillian said brightly, looking down at it for a second.
"It's not expensive or anything," Ryan said casually. "It's just that...well, I wanted you to have something that meant so much to me that I never gave it to anyone before- never wanted to...until you came along."
Gillian bit her bottom lip as she looked down at him, her hands holding onto the chain.
Ryan's eyelids were feeling heavy and he moved around in his bed feeling restless and tired.
"Go to sleep, Baby," she told him. "You need rest now."
"No, you'll go away, Princess." he protested as he fought off his fatigue.
"No, I promise. I'll stay right here the whole night."
She moved to get a nearby chair and pushed it next to Ryan's bed. She sat down and reached up and took his hand in hers. Leaning over, she kissed his fingers, one at a time, as she whispered,
"Good night, Sweet Baby."
"I'm not so bad anymore,Baby?" he asked her as sleep nearly overcame him.
"No," she whispered. "Not so bad, really."
Ryan could sleep now that he knew his angel was watching over him. Gillian herself felt her head falling softly against the chair, though throughout the night, their hands remained connected to each other as the hours passed and a quiet hum filled the room. Even the nurse who came in later left them as they were, touched by the sight she saw.
They had found their soulmate in each other and from somewhere up above, Janie looked down on her parents and smiled to herself....
end of part 16
to be continued...