... and; AND --

... He. Builds. Himself. A. Bloody. FORTRESS.

My God.

A "fortress" -- just in case anybody out there needs reminding, on this score -- is a specially configured and fortifiied place from which invading armies generally strike.

Still feelin' all warm and comfy 'bout that there "Superman" feller, right about now...?

If Unca were a card-carryin' member of the Justice League of America -- preferably, one sporting either a working power ring, or else mebbe a glowing, magickal lasso (Unca looks simply adorable in a skimpy bustier; ask around) -- we'd be doin' some way serious talkin' with ol' Mister Passing-For-A-Normal-Everyday-Human, believe you me.

I'm just sayin', is all, here.

My Fellow Melnibonean Swordsman and Boon Companion, nicolas.judza@utoronto.ca (whose falling-down-funny article on the Superman/Supergirl relationship also turns up, this week; make absolutely stone certain you all go check it out, now) -- having weaseled out of Unca the factoid that noted four-color pinhead Jimmy Olsen is slated for an upcoming turn in our ongoing Four-Color Feeb-Off -- inquires, thusly:

"My God. Jimmy Olsen is a FEEB-OFF candidate? I have a strong

hunch I know what my vote is going to be. By the way, how many FEEB-OFF candidates were you planning to have?"

Well, now: while Unca doesn't wanna go ahead and show every last ace tucked away in his sleeve, this early in the game...

... Jimmy Olsen, fer shure.

As for the remaining nominees, as of this writing:

One of 'em's a Marvel Comics "New Universe" title.

Another one -- also a Marvel-derived entry, coincidentally -- was "based upon a real hero." (It says here.)

There are a few other DC Comics hopefuls in the mix, as well; one of 'em a member of the "Batman Family" of characters, and the other(s) a "family" (of sorts), complete and unto themselves.

Don't nobody go casting any votes just yet, troopers'n'trooperettes.

It's only gonna get uglier, before it gets any prettier.

Matthew Thompson (thompsons-mpj@worldnet.att.net) takes Unca to task (albeit gently; politely) on a subject upon which more than a few of you, out there, have had a few little somethings to say, over the years:

"You've made fun of the fish-netted Zatanna and Black Canary. Zatanna's gimmick of backspeak makes an easy target. Dinah's attempts at high-heeled martial arts and sometimes screaming are nearly as hard to defend. I can only tell you that it's the sheer visual of the character designs that makes them so loved."

Unca will take this opportunity, once again, to make it manifest that -- as a heterosexual male in good (if decrepit) standing -- he readily cops to enjoying the occasional glimpse of a well-turned, fish-netted ankle every last bit as much as the next degenerate; and remains fully cognizant that the otherwise inexplicable fannish popularity of these two characters hinges mightily upon said "eye candy" aspect.

"I can't imagine a straight, male reader who would choose to mate with any other comic book character over Black Canary."

Betty. Veronica. Black Widow. Catwoman. Dolphin. Dove II. Harley Quinn. Hawkwoman. Namorita. Poison Ivy. The Scarlet Witch. Shanna the She-Devil. Triplicate Girl. Valkyrie. Wonder Girl. Wonder Woman. Wonder Tot. (I have these needs, all right? Leave me alone, dammit -- !)

Imagine it, Matt.

"Zatanna and Black Canary are not great characters. They don't belong in the Justice League, but they sure do add a bit of visual appeal here and there."

So would BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER's Charisma Carpenter. And I don't see anybody lobbying all that damned hard to induct her into the fabled ranks.

"Hawkwoman and Poison Ivy? I can understand Poison Ivy having sex appeal because of the way the character has been played in the stories, but isn't that costume atrocious?"

Matt: if Unca wanted to do the naughty with the costume

"And I admire the simplicity of Hawkwoman's costume. Its similarities to Hawkman's make it clear that these are uniforms (as if the Hawk helmet isn't enough to associate the two as partners). The best part of her outfit is the fact that she's wearing 'panties' AND tights. The white line gives it that law-enforcement look, too. Women in uniform. Wow!

"Oh, I think it was the use of the character in the stories that you liked so much. Oh, yeah, she's a smart one, too. I hear she's got a good personality and everything. ;)"

You're mocking Unca, here, aren't you, Matt...?

Kent Maly (a fine, handsome first name, that) -- known and feared throughout the internet as the dreaded kmaly@netscape.net -- initiated correspondence with the following numbered missive:

"Whilst taking my usual lunchtime jaunt through the Infinite

Abyss know as cyberspace (please forgive the hyperbole) I happened to stumble upon you little homage to the Silver Age of Comics. I must say that after reading some of the articles therein, I almost shot my usual companion iced tea out my nose and all over my workstation in laughter (as is was, I only needed the immediate services of several nearby Kleenexes and a handy roll of toilet paper).

"I used to collect comics, but haven' t bought one in years (a wife and a mortgage will do that to you sometimes). After further reading, I realized that I must have missed some great comics, having started collecting in the mid 80's, the so-called end of the Silver Age. Your tales of the great heroes of that era reminded me of that sense of wonder I has as a young child paging through my dog-eared, well-read copies of SHAZAM! and CAPTAIN AMERICA. I also must compliment you on your writing style. It mixes well the (hysterically funny) present-day vernacular, as well as literate historical references (I would be lying if I said that I understood all of them)."

Hell, Kent: I scarcely understand half of 'em.

"1) I've read some of your 'Cheeksrants,' and the tales told within them vaguely disturb me. Is the state of the comics industry really in that bad of shape? Have these 'fanboys' really 'taken over' so much as you say?"

As to your first question: read 'em and weep, Kent --

... and, as to the second one: e-mail Unca, and he'll wing ya hyperlinks to a few of the more relentlessly (and distressingly) boneheaded message boards out there, and let you gape and gawp for your own self.

"2) I collected (on-and-off) the Mike Grell issues of GREEN ARROW, and was slightly saddened when I heard a couple of years back that they killed Oliver Queen. You mentioned in one of you JLA articles that DC plans on bringing the character back. Any truth to this rumour?"

Current scuttlebut has it that noted film director (and major comics fanboy) Kevin Smith -- he of CLERKS; CHASING AMY; and DOGMA fame (or infamy, possibly; depends upon how one feels 'bout movies of that particular stripe, I s'pose) is slated to resurrect everybody's favorite Silver Age archer, sometime between today and The Last Trump of Judgment.

Based upon how long it took said gentleman to successfully conclude a simple, straightforward six- or seven-issue story arc for DAREDEVIL, earlier this year: I'm thinking maybe the year 2001. At the very earliest.
..

Bima Djaloeis at hyperspace@gmx.li had all sorts of questions for Unca; a few of which have already been answered, elsewhere; and some others which are already being covered here and now, re: responses to other correspondents.

As to the others, however:

"Don't like the SPAWN, Cheeks? Why?"

Personal preference, friend Bima. I like my comics to have nouns; verbs; adjectives; and adverbs in 'em, all at the same time.

Bonus Points awarded if they're all spelled; punctuated; and utilized properly, to boot.

"You really did this site solely on Netscape Composer, a Scanner and LOTS of spit and polish? How long did you learn and/or build that site? Any tips?"

Yeah. Don't ever, EVER listen to the traitorous little voice in your head which whispers, silkily: "Web page. Do a web page."

Seriously, though: yes, this cockeyed comics casa comes your way courtesy of a worn and dog-eared copy of NETSCAPE COMPOSER FOR DUMMIES; Unca's third in a series of wheezing and overworked scanners; and the not-inconsiderable cyber-set up expertise of generous and willing individuals such as (say) "Per'fesser" Quentin Long.

As for any helpful tips from these quarters, m'friend... the only ones Unca would feel reasonably qualified to offer up are these:

1.) Have something to say.

2.) Say it clearly; and with as much style and conviction as you have in you.

3.) Whenever possible: say mean and awful things about Rob Liefeld.

It ain't all finger sandwiches and lager, however, this smart alecking online business; as the following pointed (yet no less perfectly correct) e-mail jibe from the keyboard of David R. Potts (drpotts@black-hole.com) makes abundantly, agonizingly clear, re: the SGT. FURY installment of Unca's 50 All-Time Greatest Marvel Comics and Stories:

"And now, a couple of minor complaints: Your listing of the individual Howlers includes "former prettyboy 'B'-movie ham actor Dino Martinelli." For shame, Unca Cheeks! It's Manelli, not Martinelli! Dino's name may have been more-than-coincidentally similar to that of Dean Martin, but it wasn't quite that similar!"

Okay. Okay. Unca Cheeks is a big ol' dummyhead. I think we've pretty much established that much beyond any reasonable doubt, thankyouverymuch.

That would be -- what? -- the fourth or fifth easily-checked error to creep up in the course of the 50 Greatest Marvel series of articles, as of this writing?

Unca is beginning to feel very much like unto the Bill Buckner of online comics criticism, at this juncture.

"I've got one more bone to pick (Awright, wipe that smirk off your face! I didn't mean it that way!) with your otherwise thoroughly entertaining analysis of this pulse-pounding Marvel masterpiece. In your discussion of the Nazis' 'secret invasion tunnel to Britain,' you wrote:

"[UNCA CHEEKS' ASIDE: For those of you who've never actually seen a working map of Europe -- which (Unca Cheeks dares to presume) includes one Mister Stanley Lieber, Esq. -- be advised that both Belgium and the freakin' ENGLISH CHANNEL lie betwixt Germany and the United Kingdom; and that the odds of Hitler's Nazi War Machine being capable of decently mounting a project as elephantine as this one, all unobserved, are roughly analogous to those of Unca Cheeks being able to convincingly pass himself off as Jennifer Lopez. Maybe less, even.]

"Unca, Unca, Unca -- just where did you get the idea that they were in Germany? Note that the caption at the top of page nine (numbered '12' in the SPECIAL MARVEL EDITION reprint, from the days when Marvel's page numbering counted all of the ad pages, and the original page numbers were removed from reprinted stories (which came in mighty handy when they decided to cut pages out of the reprints to make room for additional ads!) says: 'Meanwhile, just across the Channel' -- in other words, in occupied France! You do remember France, don't you? It's that country (prominently depicted, I believe, on most working maps of Europe) just across the English Channel from England, to which it is now connected by [pause for dramatic effect] a sub-Channel tunnel!"

The 50 Greatest Marvel series is freakin' cursed, I'm tellin' you.

The lovely and talented (I'm quite certain) Sal Just@aol.com -- a new, fresh-scrubbed face, amongst the more sallow and dissipated ones of you, my regulars -- chimes in with an appreciative "thank you" (you're welcome), re: the LUKE CAGE pages; and inquires, sweetly --

"My GOD! You have a whole LOT of articles and stories here! Tell me which ones are your favorites of all, please, so I'll know where to START!"

Well, now, ma'am: the pages and articles which have consistently garnered Unca the most enthusiastic plaudits and praise, over the years, have been the following, in order:

1.) "God Save the King" -- easily the most popular (and oft-commented upon) article ever composed for this site; and (perhaps not coincidentally) the one which Unca is proudest of having written.

2.) "The 12 Silliest DC Comics Ever Published" -- the pages which most of the reg'lars, hereabouts, sem to feel are most emblematic and/or representative of the whole "Unca Cheeks" outlook, overall.

3.) "When Bad Comics Happen To Good People" -- Unca's cheerfully horrified backwards glance at the ARCHIE Comics "Mighty Crusaders" characters of the 1960s.

4.) "Political Dissent In the Comics of the Silver Age" -- another one of those series' of articles which Unca is particularly pleased to have penned, on a personal level; and is grossly gratified to have found so well-received, in turn.

5.) "What's More Pathetic Than a Sackful of Fanboys. . . ? (Page Two)" -- the page with the (by now) infamous and much-discussed JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA satire. [UNCA CHEEKS' ASIDE: fans of the J. M. DeMatteis JLA era often find this page anything but to their likings, by and large. Caveat emptor, and all of that, then.]

6.) "When In Doubt: Tell the Truth" -- the stone cold facts behind the H.E.A.T. [Hal's Emerald Advancement Team] online controversy; in which various trolls and other squalid cyber-lifeforms are placed on revolting, revealing display.
7.) "The MGM/JSA Files" -- Unca's delirious exercise in shameful self-

indulgance; combining his lifelong and inveterate loves for both comics and the cinema, in one much-researched read.

Finally: a good eighteen or twenty of you (no lie) have inquired as to Unca's opinion, re: comics scribe Warren Ellis' recent "manifesto" on The State of the Comics Industry Today, and How Best To Set About Remedying Same.

Short, Fast Answer: boneheaded in the extreme.

Longer, More Detailed Answer: comin' right up.

The following excerpts are all taken verbatim, from Senor Ellis' COME IN ALONE column; published weekly (I believe) at www.comicbookresoures.com.

Said articles and expressions are prefaced by the exculpatory: "Ideological freeware: distribute at will"; and Unca is (therefore) taking said phrasing at face value.

"Pop culture is darkening again. Accept it and stop whining, or stay at home and continue to attempt to convince your aged mother that you're really not sitting in your stained, crunchy bed fantasising about Betty and Veronica. People refuse to see what time it is are surplus to requirements.

"Stop whining about what we're telling you long enough to

listen who to what we're telling you. Be an adult."

Unca is not altogether certain where Herr Ellis has been shopping for his comic books, lately...

... but: the biggest, most noticeable sales "successes" (that word requiring ameliorative quotation marks, given the deplorable fiscal state of today's comics market) of the past several years have been:

*** Grant Morrison's giddy, breathless evocation of the Silver Age, in the pages of JLA;

*** the charming (and unabashedly retro) brace of Alan Moore-penned titles, such as TOM STRONG; TOMORROW STORIES; and THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN;

*** Kurt Busiek's mindful mining of the four-color past, re: his brave tenure (along with penciler George Perez) on Marvel Comics' AVENGERS;

*** DC's remarkably potent (sales-wise) JSA revival;

*** Mark Waid's JLA: YEAR ONE and THE BRAVE AND THE BOLD;

... and... well: you get the picture, I'm certain.

Perhaps "pop culture is darkening" where Mister Ellis is, nowadays.

Perhaps.

And this would be a good thing, pray tell, because...?

This next bit is just ridiculous enough to merit careful mocking and derision, throughout:

"Too much of the industry's energy is focussed on creating comics for children that children either won't read or won't find."

Here, Squire Ellis is (doubtless) referring to such accessible, kids-

friendly material as (say) SPAWN; KISS: THE PSYCHO-CIRCUS; SIN CITY; CEREBUS; STRANGERS IN PARADISE; Christopher Priest's labyrinthine BLACK PANTHER; the multi-titled, interconnected, out-of-the-economic- reach-of- any-kid-NOT-named-"Richie Rich" phalanx of "Super," "Spider" and "X" titles; PUNISHER; HITMAN; KUBUKI; EARTH X; SAVAGE DRAGON; WITCHBLADE; PREACHER; TRANSMETROPOLITAN; 100 BULLETS; (and all the rest of the VERTIGO stable, entire); and (of course) his own PLANETARY and THE AUTHORITY. Just to name the first thirty or so kiddie komix to spring readily to mind, I mean.

Oh, yeah. It's pre-adolescent paradise out there, nowadays. Yoooouuuuu betcha.

Has this guy ever actually... y'know... met anyone under four feet of height, and/or less than (say) ten years of age...?

"So give up. Quit it. Work on making comics stores places that adults will go into. Adults are good. Many of them have jobs, and therefore have money to spend. Give them adult works to buy, the equivalent of novels and cinema."

Spoken like a man who gets all of his comics, nowadays, via company "comp list"; and hasn't so much as set foot within any existing comics retail shop at any point within the past ten years, unless it was for a signing.

Had The Right Honorable Cap'n Ellis actually any modern-day, first-

hand experience with the retail side of the current comics scene whatsobloodyever: he'd realize (of course) that said shops are already completely given over to the blind, insistent pursuit of the increasingly chimerical "adult dollar." (Indeed: were it not for the existence of the truly "kids-friendly" POKEMON line of products, one could -- and, doubtless, would -- go long MONTHS without seeing anyone of either pre- shaving or pre-menstrual age amble their sneakered way through the doors of same.)

Virtually E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G offered for sale within said establishments is conceived of; written; edited; produced; and marketed with the high school-and-above demographic firmly and uppermost in mind.

And just take a gander at what a smashing sales "success" that stratagem has proven, over the past decade or so.

Intellectual consistency is scarcely the name of the game being played here, however; as Sergeant Ellis adroitly double-somersaults and proves Unca Cheeks' point for him, immediately thereafter:

"Understand that when you write CAPE GIRL or ZAP BOY, you are not writing for your fondly imagined child audience. It doesn't exist. You are writing for a forty-five-year-old unmarried man living in a one-room apartment who listens to Madonna and is probably masturbating over your work. I want you to hold that image in your head the next time you sit down to create one of these works. Your worst convention-nightmare fan, glopping away as he peers through thick glasses at your drawing of Zoom Woman."

In other words, then: we already HAVE that oh-so-desirable "adult audience"; right here, right now. (Unless, of course, it is said gentleman's contention that it's brace upon brace of mutated seven- and eight-year- olds who are merrily, merrily "glopping away" over all those comic books, out there.)

This isn't even decently challenging enough a line of argument to properly debate, in all pained honesty.

What it is, is: a shamelessly self-serving paean in praise of the very sort of comic books Warren Ellis prefers to write, given his auctorial druthers.

That's it.

That's ALL.

"And who knows? In a few years, when we've reached the point where the majority of work in a comics store is suitable for readers over 10 -- "

Oh, dear merciful Christ. The man really does believe it's a bunch of pre-pubescent tots'n'toddlers who're spanking their tiny and ineffectual monkeys over (say) the latest issue of PROMETHEA.

" -- then perhaps we might move to set up children's sections, as seen in bookstores the world over. Makes sense. Children's material is one of the most lucrative sectors in publishing."

So: let's just completely ignore that "most lucrative sector," for the time being. I want to be able to type the word "bollocks" more often than I'm already doing, for the time being.

Yessireebob. That'll pull in all that vast, uncommitted "adult comics audience" out there, who've been cooling their well-heeled heels with the latest Robert B. Parker novel; waiting and waiting and waiting for the day they can finally swarm into comics shops, nation-wide, and pick up the latest issue of (oh, say) BIRDS OF PREY, or THOR; sculpted and tailored explicitly to their rarefied sensibilities.

(This all dovetails quite neatly, by the by -- as Unca was just mentioning, earlier, re: Kent's and Jest's missives -- with the backwards, effect-equals-cause mindset of the modern fanboy; who gleefully jabs a fat, triumphant finger in the direction of the vanished kiddie audience, and stoutly declares: "See? SEE? The little rugrats are all out there blowing their cash money wads on video games, f'chrissakes! They've all abandoned the medium! They don't WANT to read comics no mo', no mo'!"

(Even though the books in question -- SUPERMAN; BATMAN; HULK; etcetera -- are no longer scripted for the average, typical second- or third grader. Even though they're no longer distributed in places frequented by the average, typical second- or third-grader. Even though they're all so mind-numbingly interconnected and previous issues-driven, the average, typical second- or third-grader could more easily read and interpret a hospital EKG than they could a simple, four-color funnybook, nowadays.

(Oh. Yeah. They abandoned US.

(Bleeding Christ.)

"Once you've created a space that non-hobbyist adults are happy to enter, maybe they'll bring their kids in one day. And then we can begin again."

... in another medium. Because this one will finally be stone cold dead.

... but: at least the precious, all-important fanboy demographic won't have been forced to yield so much as a single, storytelling inch, in the process.

And that's what's truly important, after all.

"This is the perfect opportunity to begin building an adult medium. The industry is in flux, the direct market is in trouble. We seize on times of change and bend things to our mighty will. Make the change."

"Change," he says.

"Change."

Unca supposes that -- in the strictest, most technical of terms -- "more of the same, please" might conceivably parse as: "change."

"It begins."

Let's all devoutly hope not.

Unca wouldn't much mind seeing the mainstream comics industry bellycrawl its way past the year 2010, in all honesty.

The comics displayed on this page all share one thing in common:

They are -- one and all; lock, stock and spandex -- comic books suitable for (and purchased by; in quantities and at frequencies demonstrably placing those of their modern-day counterparts to hangdog shame) several economic leagues into the sales shade. (As the accompanying sales figures -- also posted, above -- render plainly beyond all rational argument.)

Just in case anybody out there working in the industry actually holds any interest whatsoever in reversing the ongoing freefall, I mean.

I'm just sayin'. That's all.