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Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site! |
"So... You Want To Be a Silver
Age Comics Writer, Do You...?" ... or: "... you want
I should come up with ![]() What... you think Gardner Fox and John Broome and Li'l Bobby Kanigher had it stone easy, back in the four-color day, huh...? ![]() Turning an honest (or whatever) dollar as a working professional comics scrivener, back during the Silver Age of Comics, required a whole, heapin' passle o' auctorial skills which have -- sadly; seemingly -- fallen pretty much by the storytelling wayside, over the past twenty, thirty years or so. [QUICK CONCILIATORY SIDE NOTE: ... albeit not altogether,
mind, He Added, Hasily. There are still a bare-bones few out there,
nowadays, who remember; honor; and practice the traditional storytelling verities
of the comics catechism, to be sure. Kurt (ASTRO CITY) Busiek
is one of these, obviously; Mark (JLA) Waid is another; as are
Tom (HOURMAN) Peyer and Karl (SUPERBOY) Kesel.
And Evanier and Englehart and Isabella, God love 'em, still
run as fast as any dogs within the pack, without even breathing
hard. So there.] You had to be able to tell a complete, commercial and fully satisfying tale within the confines of a scant twenty or twenty-two pages... tops. (... and -- oftentimes -- eight, ten or twelve pages, if you'd been assigned one of the multitudinous "back-up" features so prevalent, back in the day.) Each and every major and/or ongoing character within any given series had to be painlessly and seamlessly re-introduced, issue in and issue out -- identity, abilities, motivations; thhe works -- for the benefit of however many new readers might happen to have chanced upon said effort; the better to ensure that said readers might willingly come back next month, dimes and pennies in eager hand. Most eyebrow-raising of all, however: often (particularly when working for certain DC Comics editors of -- oh, say -- the mid-1950s to the mid-1960s), they had to construct their best storytelling efforts around already commissioned; penciled; and inked covers, cunningly crafted by said editors and various and sundry "house" artists. In other words: if you were one of the writers in harness for (then-) SUPERMAN editor Mort Weisinger, say... you might wander into the offices one fine day, hungry for your next assignment... ... only to find yourself, stunned and reeling, stumbling out into the bright
daylight once more, five minutes later, with a photostatted cover of (say) the
upcoming ACTION COMICS #267; The Man of Steel, tarted up in a Girl Scout uniform
and struggling desperately versus a glowing, overlarge cherry cobbler; with
explicit orders to make good and darned certain that "The Twelve Kryptonian
Merit Badges of Doom" be turned in no later than the following Wednesday,
if you entertained even the briefest, most illusory hopes of seeing that much-needed
muscatel money anytime within this millennium. Now, obviously: a great many memorable and worthwhile comics stories -- as incredible as it may well seem -- were churned out, utilizing this precise method of auctorial "Mother, May I?" (... as even the most cursory scanning of, say, the recent SUPERMAN IN THE SIXTIES, or BATMAN IN THE SIXTIES, makes inarguably manifest.) Said method, certainly, carries an inherent dramatic drawback or three, for the exceptional (or experimental) writer; readily granted, no argument here... ... but, often as not: It. Worked.
Unca has it in mind to stage himself a little contest, here, for all
you relentlessly bright and enthusiastic campers'n'camperettes. Below are no fewer than sixteen, count 'em, sixteen DC Comics titles of the Silver Age, in alphabetical order: ADVENTURE COMICS, DETECTIVE COMICS, FLASH, GREEN LANTERN, HOUSE OF MYSTERY, JIMMY OLSEN, JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA, LOIS LANE, METAL MEN, MYSTERY IN SPACE, OUR ARMY AT WAR, STAR-SPANGLED WAR STORIES, SUPERBOY, TEEN TITANS, WONDER WOMAN and WORLD'S FINEST. For each of the aforementioned, Unca is gonna describe, in detail, the (non-existent) cover of the assigned comic in question; as well as provide the title requisite for said issue's editorially mandated effort(s). Your assignment, one and all: Pick at least one of the sixteen, below... ... and send Unca your very best, cleverest attempt(s) at making said story actually, honest-to-Julius Schwartz work. Now: Unca's (admittedly) gonna make this'un tough on you, people.
The sixteen covers (and their accompanying descriptions) are just as tasteless and deranged as Unca, in his increasingly dotty dotage, could possibly make 'em... ... and: your effort(s) have to Exercise Every Pain and Scruple Possible to render said obscenities into a plotted story (with or sans dialogue) which could actually have been PUBLISHED, back in the glory days of the Silver Age. In other words: this is your big, splashy shot at finding out what it
must have been like to be a young Cary Bates, back in the day.
There are three ways to "win" this contest, ultimately. (Yeah, yeah: "... four, if you count not actually playing, Unca!" Yes.
You're very clever. Go squat on a SnoCone.) Unca will (honest to Allah) be awarding gloriously cheap geegaws and gimcracks to those lucky entrants scoring highest in both of the following categories: "Most Funniest"; "Most Publishable" [by Silver Age standards]; and "Most Creative." All entries judged worthwhile in any of these particulars, by Unca, will be afforded everlasting fame (or notoriety, one supposes) by being posted right here, on this very site. Enter as many times as you like. Fans and pros alike, eligible. Deadline is... oh, say... 9/23/00. Periodically, throughout the following, Unca will be including some of his favorite Silver Age covers and come-ons. Just to get you all in the proper mood, is all. Ready... steady... go! 1.)
ADVENTURE COMICS ("... starring THE LEGION OF SUPER-
Title: "Meet the Legion of Substitute Super-Pets!" Cover: Four animals -- all sporting li'l, bitty red capes with the distinctive shielded "S" of SUPERMAN fame -- are in the foreground: "Winky, the Super-Gerbil"; "Butch, the Super-Manatee"; "Louise, the Super-Osprey"; and "Adolphus Q. Paddywhacker, the Super-Cockroach." Winky is off to one side, being noisily and violently sick; Butch is mooning, lovesick, over a photograph of a smiling Bouncing Boy, held in one massive flipper; and a grimly determined Louise is scurrying after a shrilly shrieking and blubbering Adolphous, clearly hellbent upon gobbling him up, whole. In the background, Superboy, Saturn Girl, Cosmic Boy and Lightning Lad are watching all of this transpire; frowns of consternation creasing their handsome, teenaged features. "Great Krypton!" a (plainly) incredulous Superboy is exclaiming. "Four more creatures surviving the destruction of my homeworld... and each one possessing all the incredible same super-powers as I!" "... and if we can't get them to work together, somehow," an equally astonished Saturn Girl adds; "... then the entire 30th Century is DOOMED!" 2.) DETECTIVE COMICS ("... starring BATMAN and ROBIN, THE BOY WONDER!") Title: "The Sinister Secrets of Cap's Hobby House!" Cover: Batman is crouched in the foreground of what is (clearly) an otherwise featureless locked room, feverishly wielding a slender "Bat-Paintbrush" to an already-assembled model racing car and sweating. "If I can't finish applying rad racing stripes and headers to this model racing car in time," the Darknight Detective is thinking; "... then this locked room remains sealed... and Robin succumbs to the deadly fumes of The Hobby Master's deathtrap!" In the background, also in said room, a barely conscious Robin is manacled to an eye-poppingly mammoth tube of airplane glue; with a hose and gasmask attached to same feeding glue fumes directly to his upturned face. Above -- looking down, below, through an airtight skylight -- The Hobby Master and two of his gunsels are pointing and jeering. "HA HA HA!" the plump and balding Hobby Master mocks, cruelly. "The second you and the Boy Wonder entered Cap's Hobby House, Batman... was the second you were both DOOMED!" 3.) FLASH Title: "The Flash-Bride of Gorilla City!" Cover: A shapely (well... considering, I mean) female gorilla -- tricked out in a white wedding veil, and looking just as glum and despondent as all get-out -- is shmbling reluctantly down the carpeted aisle arm-in-arm with a leering Gorilla Grodd; hooting and cheering gorillas lined up along both sides, tossing rice and bananas over the "lucky" twosome. "*Gulp*!" the female gorilla is thinking, desperately. "How ironic that I -- the Flash -- have had my consciousness transplanted into this powerless female gorilla's body by my old enemy, Grodd... and now he's forcing me to marry him!" "MMMMmmmmMMMMM!" Grodd is thinking, eyes raking over "the Flash's" form with plainly perverted intent. "Gonna get me summa dat TONIGHT! Yaaaassssss, lawd!" 4.) GREEN LANTERN Title: "The Destructive Doomsday Digit!" Cover: Green Lantern is standing in the foreground, staring with fixed concentration at a Gil Kane-ish alien; the latter whose arm-like appendage is extended towards the Emerald Gladiator, with one "finger" sticking out invitingly. Green Lantern is reaching towards said proffered pseudopod, preparatory to tugging on it. "My telepathic powers," the alien exults, inwardly, "have convinced Gren Lantern that the secret to defeating me lies in yanking on my outstretched finger! But, when he does... I WIN! HA HA HA!" In the background, longtime GREEN LANTERN sidekick Thomas "Pieface" Kalmuku is running towards his spandexed pal, shrilling frantically: "NO, Green Lantern! If you pull on that alien's finger... then the planet Earth is DOOMED!" 5.) HOUSE OF MYSTERY Title: "The Haunted Tank!" Cover: In the foreground, a man strolling down the aisle of a seemingly ordinary pet shop is startled by an overlarge goldfish in a nearby fish tank, shrieking at him accusingly. "That's him!" the aquatic accuser shrills. "That's the man who murdered me... back when I was still a normal human being! Somebody stop him! POLICE -- !" "*Choke*!" the flabbergasted pet shop patron whimpers, inwardly. "Mother! NO -- !" 6.) JIMMY OLSEN Title: "The Sensational Return of the Nightwing/Flamebird Team!" Cover: Left Foreground: a bruised and battered Superman -- tricked out in the distinctive Kryptonian garb of the Kandorian hero, "Nightwing" -- rising unsteadily from the ground, on one elbow; facing the mocking, triumphant double-team of super-criminals Brainiac and Lex Luthor, both holding leathal-looking hand weaponry. "HA HA HA!" Luthor chortles. "Luring our old enemy, Superman, to this place where he has no super-powers whatsoever was a stroke of genius, Brainiac! Let's take him out together, shall we? One... two -- !" Swinging in on a rope, from Right Foreground, is none other than Superman's Pal, Jimmy Olsen: tarted up as "Flamebird." More specifically: as the modern-day, scarlet-skirted, distaff version of "Flamebird." "Hang on, Superman!" Jimmy is shouting, helpfully. "I'll keep those two super-criminals from killing you -- !" "... because if I don't," he continues, via thought balloon; "... the planet Earth is DOOMED!" 7.) JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA Title: "The Deadly Double-Deals of Despero!" Cover: Despero is seated, Left Foreground, at one end of a long table, holding a fanned handful of of playing cards in front of his smugly self- satisfied alien features. Flash is at Right Forground, staring in open- mouthed dismay at his own assortment of cards. Seated at various other points around the table, blank and rigidly immobile, are Green Lantern; Wonder Woman; Superman; and a glowing Aquaman; the last of these who is being transformed, involuntarily, into... Something Else. "HA HA HA!" Despero cackles, inwardly. "I've got this game rigged so that every time Flash plays one of his cards... a member of the Justice League disappears from the face of the earth, transformed by alien super-science into a creature wholly subservient to me!" "AHHHHHH!" a horrified Flash wails, staring at his traitorous cards. "Despero got my Squirtle with his Charizzard! AQUAMAN! Speak to me, buddy!" Aquaman -- skin yellowing; ears pointing and leengthening -- mewls, by way of response, a meek and servile: "Piiiiiiiiiiiii-kaaa-CHUUUUUUUU... !" 8.) LOIS LANE Title: "Lois Lane's Great Secret Identity Super-Swindle!" Cover: Sprawled out, snoring, on a rumpled hotel room bed which has(obviously) just been the scene of some prolonged and athletic physical activity, lies Superman -- sans pajama top -- in the Left Background. In the Right Foreground, meanwhile: a smirking, self-congratulatory Lois Lane, in pink "teddy" nightdress and matching fluffy slippers, is stealthily creeping her way towards said motel room's bathroom; a large, bulbed turkey baster plainly evident in one elegantly manicured hand. "HA HA HA!" the Nervy News Hen exults, inwardly. "Once I've extracted the necessary super-"sample," and had it scientifically analyzed... I'll finally have the unshakable proof I've been searching for, all these years, that Superman and Clark Kent are one and the same!" 9.) METAL MEN Title" "Metallic Mystery of the Mixed-Up Responsometers!" Cover: From Left to Right, across the cover (except for Center Foreground): Gold, looking uncharacteristically dull-witted, is seated on the floor, laboriously attempting to spell out the word "G-O-L-D" with children's alphabet blocks; Tin is stamping his feat and spluttering, in the throes of what is (clearly) a near-apoplectic rage; and Iron is standing in a reluctant and painfully self-conscious posture. "D-U-H-H-H!" Gold drawls, in obvious concentration. "I can't even spell out my own name, without getting a major headache!" "You clanking, clattering chowderhead!" an enraged Tin splutters. "That's because some unseen, alien force has switched our responsometers around... and these are the ridiculous results!" "G-G-G-Gee, fellahs!" a blushing and bashful Iron responds. "I w-w-wish you two w-w-wouldn't k-k-keep arguing all the t-t-time!" In the Center Foreground, meanwhile: an amorous and insistent Lead is gripping a squirming and panicky Doc Magnus in his massive, metallic arms, and is attempting to plant a big, sloppy wet one on the struggling super-scientist. "OOOOooooooh, Doc!" the burly 'bot moans, seductively. "When will you realize that it's our destiny... that we were meant to be together? Just the two of us! FOREVER!" "You crazy, mixed-up robot, you!" the thrashing Doc snarls. "Let go of me! If I can't switch your personalities back into their proper bodies... then the planet Earth is DOOMED!" 10.) MYSTERY IN SPACE ("... starring ADAM STRANGE!") Title: "Cosmic Conundrum of the Behemoth Babies!" Cover: Adam Strange hovering high above the skyline of the super- scientific Rann, via his trademarked "jet pack"; clutching his ray pistol in one nerveless, white-knuckled hand at the sight of two massive, multi- stories tall babies, clumsily stumping their joint way amidst (and unintentionally demolishing, for the most part) the delicate spires and minarets. "GLXX GTTLL SPAA!" one of the elephantine enfants terrible (the blonde, ponytailed one) burbles, monstrously, whilst accidentally crushing a rocket-bus packed with vacationing tourists. "BLRJ?" the other Jumbo'd Junior (a redheaded kid in a bright blue jumper) cheerfully agrees, his sneaker'd left foot flattening the local nun's orphanage. "FLMJ BRXX BJQT!" "Great Scott!" the Earthborn adventurer gulps, staring at the towering toddlers, approaching. "Unless I can find some way to stop those twin terror-tykes from unintentionally destroying everything in their path... the planet Rann is DOOMED!" 11.) OUR ARMY AT WAR Title: "Make War No More!" Cover: Background, Left to Right: Bulldozer, Ice Cream Soldier and Sure Shot are all firing their rifles -- over and over again -- into the twitching, pain-wracked body jittering its way across the Foreground, Center. " 'Take the next hill,' my @#$%!" Bulldozer screams, spittle flying out from between his bearded lips. " 'You dogfaces wanna live forever?' Ice Cream Soldier shrieks. "Hell, yeah, actually! What's it to ya -- ?!?" "Frag the sergeant!" Sure Shot shrills. "FRAG THE @#$%ing SERGEANT -- !!" Cover Caption: "PLUS: Mademoiselle Marie In An All-New WWII Backup Feature: 'Nylons, Chocolate Bars... and Blood!" 12.) STAR-SPANGLED WAR STORIES Title: "The War That Time Ignored!" Cover: In the Center Foreground, a cowboy -- riding astride a bearded and helmeted Viking -- is in full, galloping pursuit of a quasi-humanoid dinosaur; the latter, clad in full leather Nazi regalia. Left Foreground, a Valkyrie warrior woman -- mowhawked; her battle armor festooned with buttons reading Rock'N'Roll High School and The CLASH Lives! -- is swinging her boombox directly towards the skull of a bubble-helmeted Apache warrior; with said brave firing a complex, lethal-looking ray gun blast at her feet. In the background: two American soldiers stand on a slight rise, gesturing towards the multi-era melee taking place before them. "I... I can't figure which ones to blow the @#$% out of, Sergeant!" the first one wails. "... but we've got to, soldier!" the second one grits, determined. "Or else... the planet Earth is DOOMED!" 13.) SUPERBOY Title: "Pa Kent's Super-Secret Nazi War Criminal Past!" Cover: In the Left Foreground, an anguished and tear-stricken Superboy -- peering out from his hiding place, behind a mountainous pile of emaciated dead bodies -- stares, incredulous at the sight of his beloved "Pa" Kent, in full Nazi mufti; the latter laughing cruelly and emptying his service revolver into the heads of several kneeling and blindfolded death camp prisoners, whilst several other Nazis watch on, admiringly. "HA HA HA!" Kent cackles, maniacally. "That one will make a particularly nice lampshade for my office, ja? Now, let's play skeet shooting with real, live babies!" "*Choke*!" the Boy of Steel gulps. "My journey into the past has revealed that my adoptive father has a secret Nazi past Now I know why 'Ma' Kent serves weiner schnitzel for dinner three times a week! And why 'Pa' insists upon wearing lederhosen, while working out in the field! *Sob*!" Cover Caption: "PLUS: Lana Lang IS... "The Incest Queen of Smallville!" 14.) TEEN TITANS Title: "Mr. IQ's Malevolent Monkees Mix-Up!" Cover: In the Left Foreground, perennial DC fifth-rate baddie Mr. IQ is aiming some sort of purplish "ray beam" at what appears to be the writhing and agonized forms of Michael Nesmith; Davey Jones; Mickey Dolenz; and Peter Tork -- the quartet of TV musicians making up the (Pre-)Fab Foursome of the '60s: The Monkees. "MWAH-ha-ha-ha!" the Mean-Assed MENSA Reject cackles. "Now that I've transplanted their brains into the bodies of the helpless Monkees... murdering the Teen Titans is as easy as E=MC2!" In the Right Background -- crashing in through a window -- are Robin; Kid Flash; Wonder Girl; and Aqualad. "Come on, Monkees!" the "Robin" character exclaims. "We've got to use these super-powered bodies to rescue the real Teen Titans -- !" "... or the planet Earth is DOOMED!" the "Wonder Girl" character concludes. 15.) WONDER WOMAN Title: "They Say I'll Get a Pony, But They Don't Say When" Cover: Left Background: Wonder Girl is gesturing towards a sallow, vacant-eyed figure taking up the greater portion of the Center Foreground. Right Background: Wonder Woman, reacting in dramatic, Neal Adams-style shock and horror. "Well, Wonder Woman," the smugly contemptuous Wonder Girl drawls. "You always have all the answers... what do you say to that?" "Great Hera!" Wonder Woman exclaims, ashen. "My ward Wonder Tot... is a JUNKIE!" Center Foreground: Wonder Tot is half-slumped in drug-induced delirium, a rubber tube tied inexpertly around one forearm. A just- emptied syringe is still plainly visible in her other hand. "OOOooooooh," the Juvie Junkie murmurs, uncomprehending. "... Care Bears... alllll ovver the waaaaallllllllllllllssssssssssss..." 16.) WORLD'S FINEST COMICS Title: "The Half-Shell Hero!" Cover: Left Foreground, the Batman is staring pointedly at Superman (in the Center Midground); at Right Foreground, Green Arrow is, likewise, favoring the Man of Steel with an equally disbelieving look. "Superman!" the Darknight Detective exclaims. "You've lost your powers! I guarantee if you begin a new crime-fighting career in that costume, you'll be clobbered!" "You're jealous, Batman," Superman heatedly retorts, holding a large, jade suit of body armor alongside, defensively. (The armor is shaped in the form of a quasi-humanoid turtle, with a red "Superman" cape knotted around the metallic neck piece.) "Because you know I can make it bald and pantsless... the way Julius Schwartz did!" "... but if Superman does," a grim Green Arrow soberly concludes, via thought ballonon; "... then the planet Earth is DOOMED!"
All right, troopers. The prizes awarded for your best bestest efforts, here, are real (albeit a good deal dinkier than one might hope for, all things being equal). More importantly, however: it's a golden (or, rather, silver) opportunity for you all to demonstrate which ones amongst you, out there, genuinely have the Fox/Broome/Kanigher-style stuff, storytelling- wise. Make Unca proud, all right...? |
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