Unca Cheeks the Toy Wonder's Silver Age Comics Web Site!
MAIL ( and
miscellany )
(... or "It's Been Quite The Cheery Little While While Since
Unca's Gone Off On One Of His Cranky And Copyrighted 'Tirades,' Hasn't It, Though...?")
(
part 1
)
My god, but your Unca's in a foul, foul mood, this A.M.
Let's all sit'n'chat for a wee little spell, shall we...?
The recent "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" experiment, on this site -- combining the format of said long-gone (and sorely missed) television series with Unca's typically snotty and smarmy "take" on one of our four-color sacrificial lambs, hereabouts -- generated a phenomenal (even for this site) amount of e-mail correspondence and opinion; with vanishingly little of it taking the middle ground, with all the reading (and toting) of same decently attended to, at day's end.
Constant (and invaluable) reader Martin L. Shoemaker, for instance, weighed in with the following vote:
"And the MST3K thing? Eh. Never saw more than 15 seconds of the show. So while I get the rather tortured premise, the jokes are COMPLETELY wasted on me. I'm glad you had fun with it, but I was utterly lost. As experiments go, I much preferred the JSA movie experiment."
Nicolas Juzda, in turn, opined as follows:
"Your impression of MST3K was generally quite good (particularly
the invention exchange and the "opening credits"), although the scene at the end with the electro-duel just didn't feel like an MST3K skit to me. I can't ever recall seeing Joel (or his replacement; whatsisname, Mark?) losing it with the 'bots like that. [...] Although, really, you doing an MST3K impression is a tad... redundant. I thought that's what this whole bloody site of yours was."
AStout, contrariwise, was decidedly more enthused over the whole operation:
"You are the man. You are the man.
"I've seen MSTings of comics before, of course, but none with pictures.
"You have got to finish that issue, and do more.
"A few questions:
"1.) Why Joel, instead of Mike? Though I can't help noticing you actually DID call him Mike a few times, near the end of Part Two..."
Damn. Unca thought he'd caught all of those.
Plain and simple while Unca likes Mike just fine, all things being equal...
... he likes the long-departed Joel just a weeeeeeee li'l bit more.
"2.) Why Dr. Forrester and Frank instead of Pearl, Bobo and Observer?"
See answer, above.
"Still, both of these are small details. I love it! Do more!"
Jeremy B., finally, opted to graze on the Yeah, Buddy! side of the reading pasture, as well:
"Just read your MST3K parody, and I have one thing to say:
"More. Now. Or I'm comin' after ya."
And here you all have probably been wondering why Unca has taken such a shine
to tar heroin since his establishment of this site, several years agone.
Unca is, at present, leaning ever-so-slightly (albeit not irrevocably)
towards mebbe prob'ly giving the "MST3K" thang another "go," one mo' once, sometime
in the very near future; just to see if the end results remain so endearingly
schizophrenic, the second go-round.
The lovely and gracious Heather Kamp (the former, I take as an article of faith, always; the latter is both demonstrable and palpable) -- who certainly knows how to set out best foot forward, conversation-wise -- shares the following, re this site's T.H.U.N.D.E.R. AGENTS retrospective.
"First off, I'd like to say that this is a great site. It is massive in its representation of the Silver age of comics."
GAWD, but Unca loves it when strange women refer to him as being "massive."
"Secondly, I'd like to say that I've just realized how much my father must have read comics when he was a kid. I was just talking to him about comics, and he pulled out that one of his favourites had been T.H.U.N.D.E.R. AGENTS. This was a comic that he had read some 30 years ago. He was able to tell me the character names, and the full acronym for T.H.U.N.D.E.R. Man, personally I feel that's very impressive.
"Anyway, I think its neat that you have a part of your site for this comic that you say had a very brief run, but at the same time seems to have been very good in its own right."
Dear Heather kindly pass along to your illustrious sire that he is (clearly; inarguably) a man of breeding, and impeccable taste.
Also tell 'im Unca thinks he must be pretty durned spiffy in the parenting
department, as well.
The aforereferenced Jeremy B. (you all remember Jeremy, right? The tall kid? The one with the tattoo of Dan Fogelberg on his... well. Never mind.) snagged Unca's aged and wandering attentions with this little missal, as well:
"So I buy this comic [the recently released SILVER AGE #1] that's obviously supposed to be just a fun little story that evokes an era when people didn't concern themselves with What Goes Where And When, and I thoroughly enjoy it, and I say to myself, '... who gives a marklar about 'continuity'? I'm having FUN. I'm enjoying this.'
"And then I get to Usenet, and I find people bitching about continuity, and whining about holes in the plot, and then whining when the holes in the plot ARE ACTUALLY ADDRESSED IN THE NEXT ISSUE.
"So, is it morally wrong of me to want to reach through that phone line in the back of my computer and give these yoyos a bitch-slapping to end all bitch-slappings?"
Your normatively peaceable (and litigation eschewing) Unca would just like to take this opportunity -- right here; right now -- to caution one and all, once again, that bloody and cathartic violence is never, ever the proper response towards the niggling, baseline imbecilities with which we all must needs contend, each and every day, as (purportedly) higher life forms, in general; and which is our peculiarly enhanced portion, in turn, as 'net-surfin' comics fans, in especial.
On the other hand, however the larger percentage of Usenet regulars are not (Unca was chatting with Margaret Mead and Jane Goodall about this very thing, just the other day) considered "higher life forms," insofar as (say) breeding and poaching laws are generally concerned, by and large; and, thus, fall well outside the conventional penumbra of protection, in matters such as these...
... so meet me on the corner in fifteen, Jeremy.
And bring the crowbar.
Seriously, though, Jeremy your odds of finding an extended subject
on any topic whatsoever, re the comics Usenet boards, which
doesn't (sooner or later) degenerate into tortured verbal triple-somersaults
over How Best To Serve The Great Fannish God, KONTINUITY, are only slightly
less than those of your striking an untapped gold ore vein in the kitty's litterbox.
And the fact that the denizens therein are (apparently) all lathered into a
frenzy over how best to connect-the-storytelling-dots betwixt a (as you so rightly
point out) a "stand-alone" F-U-N project and -- in all likelihood -- various
and sundry issues of STRANGE SPORTS STORIES don't 'zactly engender rapid, confused
blinking, 'round these here parts.
[UNCA CHEEKS' ASIDE ... and Unca would like to make it manifest and plain, at this juncture, that -- yes, yes -- he's perfectly aware that there are those loitering 'bout those selfsame boards who don't engage in such relentless, Gollum-like navel gazing, of course.
[Unca would be much remiss, however, if he did not also point out that these few rational and reasonable souls are -- at last count -- out-
numbered by a factor of approximately... ohhhhh... eighty or ninety to one,
roughly, thereabouts. Give or take.]
It is much to DC's credit, of course, that the various one-shots connected to the (presently) ongoing "Silver Age" event are NOT (as of this writing) being meticulously hem-stitched to the increasingly knotted and gnarled storytelling skein of said company's "universe" entire, from DETECTIVE COMICS #1 to the present day.
As frequent site contributor "Big" Bill Brackeen so sagaciously observed, elsewhere, a few days ago; in coolly reasoned rebuttal to one who -- when informed that the vast, sweaty, gallumphing rank and file of "mainstream" super-hero titles being published, nowadays, are too incestuously self-referential for "newbie" or "tyro" readers to plausibly interpret -- responded with a brusque "Let the kids deal with it, then":
"....there's no nice way to say this, and I don't want to be insulting, so I want to tell you up front, I don't mean this with any rancor, and I'm not pointing an angry finger or anything, but that's a really selfish attitude.
"The kids are 'dealing'.
"They've decided to just not read the damn things.
"You've, IMO, fallen into the 'clique trap.' You're (and we all suffer from this, to one extent or another) on the inside, and want the books to cater to you and your extensive knowledge of the genre and characters.
"It's TPTB's mindless kowtowing to these attitudes that have brought the industry to it's knees. Comics sell poorly now because they are somewhat dense and impenetrable (and the format sucks, but that's another argument).
"Let me give you an example. I love the current JSA title. It's probably my favorite DC offering. But I sure as hell wouldn't give it to a new reader.
"One has to be nearly immersed in DC lore, in order to follow it. You have to know the history of the JSA; Infinity Inc.; DC 1,000,000; ZERO HOUR; Dr. Fate; ad infinitum.
"Now, I can follow the book, because I've been reading comics for
seven million years. But how is, say, a six-year-old supposed to grasp
this? And why would an adult who's never read comics be interested?"
... to which artful summation, in turn, the thoughtful reader may only add
a hushed and awed "... ahhhhh-MEN, Rev'rend Bill."
The problem with the (sadly) typical fannish argument, nowadays, to the effect that "... wellllllllll... but wee li'l kids just naturally loooooove wending their respective ways, lost and forlorn, along increasingly labyrinthine bread crumb trails of decades-agone 'continuity'! They just plain ol' can't get enough of it! They positively THRIVE on it, in fact!" is that-- as any actual parent may (and will) readily attest --
... it bears absolutely NO resemblance to How Things Actually Are,
In The Real World."
Maybe -- just MAYbe, mind -- back when the average, standard funnybook cost a scant twenty-five cents (or less) maybe a reasonably inquisitive and/or intelligent grade schooler could make the sort of investment requisite (both in time and money) to follow fifteen or twenty cross-referenced titles; seek out and purchase a good-sized flotilla of back issues; AND deal with the lengthy and arduous process of re-inventing the frickin' wheel, backstory-wise.
In. The. REAL. World. However a single comic book costs between $2.50 and $2.99; Bob Overstreet and WIZARD Magazine, between the two of 'em, have conspired to render the greater portion of essential back issues so ludicrously expensive as to be beyond even the purchasing power of the average, working adult; and -- in the meantime -- successful KidsLit scribblers such aas (say) R. L. Stine are cheerfully churning out quickly accessible stand-alone works left, right, and center; to which the little crumb-snatchers, in turn, eagerly flock like so many starving and desperate scavenger birds.
... and, in the REAL world any ostensible "love affair" kids actually did have for the sort of stuff aging fanboys so ardently champion would actually be reflected in increased sales for same (as well as a greater and more manifest presence by said tyro readers, within retail comics shops the whole, wide nation over).
Neither of which, of course, is actually happening, right about now.
... and, in the meantime Marvel Comics, Inc. declares bankruptcy; limps arthritically along, for a year or two; and (just recently, as of this writing) eventually declares that its corporate focus will be shifted to pretty much everywhere else but c-o-m-i-c b-o-o-k-s, for the foreseeable future.
... but, y'see Kids Love Continuity.
Shyeah.
Just like they love spinach ICE CREAM, mebbe.
The standard, rote counter-argument to all of that, of course, is the robotic cant to the effect of:
"Okay. Okay, then. But it would be suicidal for Marvel [or DC] to shift their combined marketing and storytelling emphases towards an audience -- i.e., young readers and/or older 'newbies' -- who, plainly, aren't there right now in the first bloody place! If anything they ought to be redoubling their efforts to market even more aggressively towards ever older readers! That's the readership they have, RIGHT NOW!"
Unca just feels so tired and alone, whenever he chances across a signed
and handwritten suicide note.
People. People:
ANY (purportedly) mass market commodity which -- relentlessly; intentionally -- Balkanizes itself into virtual impenetrability, insofar as any potential "new blood" is concerned, is (by simple, brute DEFINITION) a commodity which is no longer "mass market" in the first @#$%ing place...
... and once the older, existing customers commence to drifting away and/or dying off -- as human beings have this annoying tendency to do, by and large -- there's. nobody. THERE. to. take. their. PLACE.
Unca can talk a whooooooooole lot slower, if'n it'll... y'know... help
any, here.
This is why McDonald's (f'rinstance) places so much effort and emphasis into marketing "Happy Meals," and the idiotically-beaming clown figure of Ronald McDonald. Because once you've "got" 'em, as kids... you can keep 'em, as adults.
That's why (on a far less admirable level, certainly; but no less efficacious, for all of that) there was a Joe Camel for all those years.
That's why Dolly Madison and Met Life have Charlie Brown and Snoopy shilling (smilingly) for processed snack foods and insurance policies.
That's why The Disney Corporation is so ruthlessly and relentlessly anal, in safeguarding (and promoting) the wholesome, fun-for-the-whole-
family image of such well-recognized icons as (say) Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.
That's why Pepsi and Coca-Cola and Jolt have all those way dopey "high-concept" (i.e., low-content) print and television ads, linking the consumption of carbonated sugar water with -- oh, say -- skateboarding (as opposed to... y'know... tort reform. Or corporate raiding).
... because, first and foremost YOU GOTTA HOOK "EM WHEN THEY'RE KIDS, F'CHRISSAKES!
Unca can always break out the flash cards, if'n it'll... y'know...
help any, here.
FACT DC and Marvel (along with their corporate brethren) have already wee-wee'd away the better portion of the last twenty YEARS, "redoubling their efforts to market even more aggressively towards ever older readers."
WATCHMEN. THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. RONIN. THE LONGBOW HUNTERS. GRENDEL. AMERICAN FLAGG!. OMAHA, THE CAT DANCER. HELLBLAZER. PREACHER. STUCK RUBBER BABY. MAUS. HITMAN. EARTH X. UNCLE SAM. 100 BULLETS. THE DREAMING. PLANETARY. THE AUTHORITY. TRANSMETROPOLITAN. SIN CITY. SANDMAN. SHADE, THE CHANGING MAN. BLACK KISS. HOUSE OF SECRETS. SANDMAN MYSTERY THEATRE. STRANGERS IN PARADISE. STARMAN. THE CROW. THE INHUMANS. RISING STARS. THE INVISIBLES. THE PUNISHER. XXXENOPHILE. And Unca's only stopping here because he's getting tired of holding down the CAPS key, is all.
Many of the aforementioned efforts have been written up in various and sundry of the more mainstream news magazines and "info-tainment" organs.
Many of the aforementioned have either been optioned for television or film, or else transmogrified into films or television shows.
Many of the aforementioned have even been nominated for (and/or won) such prestigious awards as the Pulitzer, and the Hugo.
In short, chill'uns the greater reading audience, at large, has long, looooonnnnnnnng since had it hammered into its communal brain that comics (as DC was ill-advisedly once wont to say) "... aren't for kids, anymore."
... and guess what...?
They still aren't interested, in any statistically and/or commercially significant numbers.
Now would any of you bright-eyed li'l scholars out there care to hazard the odd, errant guess as to why, PRECISELY, that might be...?
Oh, now let's not always see the same hands
being raised, here.
Well that's all right, then. Unca will field this one.
"They" -- the vast, amorphous and (demonstrably) unreachable "they" on whom this currently benighted industry and its shrillest, most vociferous apologists keep waiting and waiting and WAITING to arrive; all bright, shoe-button eyes and eagerly extended wallets -- KNOW something.
Let Unca repeat that they know something.
They know something about the mainstream super-hero comics genre that far, far too many of the rest of you should know, already. (... and -- in all likelihood -- probably DO know; way, way down, in your secret and innermost hearts of hearts.)
They know that there is something wonderously -- and inherently -- JUVENILE, re the mainstream super-hero comics genre.
They know that there's something faintly (and maybe even not so faintly, really) ludicrous in the notion of tarting up action sequence-
reliant tales of grown men and women who've forgotten on which side of their pants their underwear belongs as anything even remotely resembling "adult," in the commonly accepted dictionary sense of the word...
... and being adults, themselves --
... they ain't buyin' that partic'lar brand o' baloney, this season.
Just like they haven't been buying it for the past two DECADES, come
to think; judging from the sales figures, I mean.
Now Unca knows that there are considerably more
than a few of you, out there, cowering and hissing like so many vampires
in the shadow of The Cross at the very mention of the perfectly acceptable
(and non- pejorative) word "juvenile."
To you folks "juvenile" automatically parses as "cheapjack"; or "imbecilic"; or "low-rent"; or even (inexplicably, and incorrectly) "garbage."
To you good people, then Unca would simply like to suggest that you
kindly resist the urge to work your ways through the unhappier portions
of your respective childhoods, at the amassed expense of all the rest
of us out here (to say nothing of an entire, once-thriving industry,
come to think).
The infalliable WEBSTER'S defines the word juvenile, chiefly, as being "suited to or characteristic of youth."
Now, then is there anyone out there -- Anyone. Out. There. At. ALL. -- who genuinely feels that the illustration-driven adventures of (say) Superman, or Power Pack, or the Rawhide Kid inherently Are Not (or SHOULD NOT Be) "suited to [...] youth"...?
Is there anyone out there -- Anyone. Out. There. At. ALL. -- of the sincerest, most heartfelt belief that your standard, dopey, newstand copy of (again, say) WONDER WOMAN, or THOR -- structured and paced around their inevitable fight scenes; with each and every character ringingly proclaiming their innermost thoughts and beliefs via word balloons, f'chrissakes -- Is Not (or SHOULD NOT Be) "characteristic of youth"...?
Juvenile means, ultimately "... capable of being enjoyed BY a child."
Which is pretty much what such signal and enduring characters and conceptualizations as Superman; Batman; Spider-Man and the Hulk were originally conceived and crafted to do, by the by.
Hence the brightly-hued, Halloween-style costumes.
Hence the traditional emphasis on action and BATTLE, re the resolution of issues and storylines.
Hence the over-heated natures and methods of said characters' ongoing nemeses. (i.e., Big Alien Monsters; Mad Scientists; Spandexed Bank Robbers; etcetera, etcetera.)
Unca still has those finger puppets left over from last semester,
if'n it'll... y'know... help any, here.
A very nice gentleman who only identified himself as "EnjoysSF" wrote in to Unca, just last week, to advance the following:
"Just wanted to drop you a line and thank you for the monumental effort you have put into this thing. I really enjoyed it. You need to lighten up on us continuity lovers, though. Without continuity, it's just a buncha goobers, as you so often put it, running around in Imaginary Stories. Continuity is what separates the 'real' stuff from the fairy tales."
With all the respect in the world, ESF -- and Unca is wholly sincere in stating that, by the by -- Unca would suggest the following, by way of response:
A.) They are all "Imaginary Stories."
B.) There is nothing inherently "lesser" or "inferior" about "Imaginary Stories" (as the term is commonly used and accepted in fannish circles), in any event.
C.) Oddly enough, none of the comics' series which are generally
conceded as being among the medium's highwater storytelling achievements --
Will Eisner's THE SPIRIT; Carl Barks' UNCLE SCROOGE; Harvey
Kurtzman's EC war comics; Gardner Fox's JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA;
Walt Simonson's MANHUNTER; etcetera -- were "continuity"-driven (or even
"continuity"-dependent). Go figure.
D.) Thank you.
*Whew*! You all see, now, how ridiculously easy it is to get Unca all wound up and ready to rumble...?
Let's see if we can get a little more accomplished mail-wise, come
Page Two, then.
"This, That and the Other Thing" Gargantuan Combination Mailbag and CHEEKSRANT (PAGE TWO)
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