| INT. DAY - STORE The sounds of construction drilling fill the store. LESLIE RAPPAPORT and MURRAY AMHERST are sitting in lounge chairs near the cash registers. LESLIE Oh, I don’t think I can take this kind of pressure much longer. MURRAY Grueling, isn’t it? Of course, you know that construction out front could end at any minute, and we’d all have to go back to work. LESLIE I don’t know why they let a little thing like giant craters full of mud and vats of boiling tar keep the customers away. MURRAY Absolutely. LESLIE They should think of our parking lot as a kind of tourist attraction… something akin to Mount Saint Cobbs. MURRAY Hahahahaha! HOWARD BANNISTER enters. His suit and face are covered with mud. BANNISTER (Yelling) Christian! Leslie and Murray hop up from their lounge chairs and scatter. BANNISTER Christian! JACK CHRISTIAN appears. BANNISTER Just look at this! CHRISTIAN It’s not a pretty sight, sir. Did you fall in the excavation again? BANNISTER No, I was mud-wrestling one of the customers for the last parking spot. CHRISTIAN Sir, if you’re going to do that, you might as well wear your old suit. BANNISTER Christian, would you mind telling me why it is taking two months to fix a broken water main? CHRISTIAN Look, sir I’m as upset about this as you are. I can’t understand why our regular customers would desert us because of a temporary inconvenience. BANNISTER A temporary inconvenience… do you call this a temporary inconvenience? These clowns are putting us out of business. That’s why I got that ultimatim from Mrs. Cobb this morning. CHRISTIAN What? The one about us having to wash our hands? BANNISTER No. The one about my having to lay off two employees. CHRISTIAN Oh yeah, that. Hey, did you catch that game last night? BANNISTER Christian, don’t you have any heart? I’m talking about living, breathing human beings. CHRISTIAN Oh. Well you must have been watching another game. I thought they were awful. That one guy struck out three times standing at the plate, whipping at air. I couldn’t believe it. He belonged in the min— what? BANNISTER Christian. I want you to listen very carefully to what I am about to say. CHRISTIAN OK. BANNISTER I want you to go out there and find out which one of those gorillas is the head ape. Then I want you to go out and tell that big ugly ape that if this mess is not cleaned up by the time this store closes tonight, I personally am going to kick him right in the asphalt. A huge man, JIM, has been standing behind Bannister through most of his speech. He is wearing a hard hat and eating donuts straight from the package. JIM You Bannister? BANNISTER Who wants to know? JIM The big ugly head ape. BANNISTER (To Christian) Ah, it’s the big ugly head ape. Cover me. Bannister stands behind Christian. CHRISTIAN Uhh, Mr. Bannister and I would just like to tell you how proud we are to be living in a city that has the good sense to hire workers such as yourself. How are the donuts? JIM Expensive. BANNISTER Eh, expensive. Uhh, Marlene, this uh gentleman is to have, eh-uh, free donuts. Free donuts for the rest of his life… ehh, or longer… whichever comes first. INT. DAY - BANNISTER'S OFFICE VIKER knocks on the door. BANNISTER Come in. Viker doesn't move. VIKER (Pauses) You mean me? BANNISTER No, I mean the entire touring company of Guys And Dolls. VIKER Well, can I have a word with you before they arrive? BANNISTER What is it, Viker? VIKER You know that construction out front? BANNISTER Yes. VIKER Well, I figured out a way of getting the customers over the construction and into the store. I made a diagram – you wanna to see it? BANNISTER No. VIKER OK. Viker pulls out an envelope from his tool box. He opens it up and pulls out a smaller envelope. Meanwhile, Bannister takes out a jar of pills and separates a few out. Viker opens the smaller envelope and pulls out a small piece of paper. He starts turning it around different ways. Bannister takes the jar of pills and shakes them into his mouth. He takes a hard swallow. Viker takes a measuring tape and starts measuring the piece of paper. Bannister grabs his arm in frustration. BANNISTER Viker!! VIKER Alright, alright! Now you build a ramp here, see. Simple physics. Shopper—A, pushes cart—B, up ramp—C, over pit—D, through air—E, and into store—F. BANNISTER I’d like to ask you one question, Viker. How fast does Customer “A” have to be moving at the time? VIKER Oh, about sixty-five, seventy miles an hour. BANNISTER I’d like to ask you one more question, Viker. How fast would you have to be moving to get out of this office before I got my hands around your throat and strangled ya? VIKER Gee, that’s a tough one, you got a pencil? BANNISTER Get out of here, Viker!! VIKER I’ll come back when you’re in a better mood. BANNISTER Try the year 2000! EDNA Howard, you want to know something really interesting about that conversation you just had? BANNISTER Please -- I think I missed it! EDNA Not once did you call Mr. Viker by his first name. BANNISTER What is his first name? EDNA I dunno. What do you write on his paychecks? BANNISTER Dopey. EDNA Howard, I really think it was time you got to know your employees. Edna walks out of the office and bumps into Jim coming around the corner. She is clearly a bit intimidated by him. BANNISTER Ah! Jimbo, Big Jimbo! How nice of you to come and see me on your break. Is there anything that I can get for you? A banana? Some raw meat? JIM Water. BANNISTER Water. Bottle, glass, lake? JIM We have to hook into your main water supply to operate our new hydralic stone pulverizer. BANNISTER Ah, well, I’ll get Viker on that right away. We’ve gotta keep things moving, right Big Jim? Ha! (Punches Jim in a buddy-like manner on the shoulder) Ehhh. (Realizes that might not have been a wise move, and kisses Jim on the shoulder where he punched him) JIM Whatever you say. BANNISTER Uh, Jim, before you go… uh, maybe you could help me out… if you had to lay off two of your employees, how would you go about doing that? JIM Well, first I’d obtain a profile of each one of the employees. Next, I would talk to them personally to determine their financial situations. Then, I would let go those that could most afford it. BANNISTER (Under his breath) Out of the mouths of apes. JIM Say what? BANNISTER Say what? Say… great, that’s what say what. JIM Course, you’re lucky… upset one of your employees, they don’t throw you into a stone pulverizer. BANNISTER You don’t know Marlene. INT. DAY - LOUNGE Marlene, Edna, Leslie and Murray are sitting around the table playing cards and chatting. Christian enters. CHRISTIAN Does the expression “Who’s minding the store?” mean anything to you people? Nobody pays attention to Christian. CHRISTIAN Can you tell me why you’re sitting around playing poker? MARLENE We lost the Chinese checker set. LESLIE Besides, it’s not poker, it’s Golden Gate bridge. CHRISTIAN Oh? What’s that? LESLIE The same as regular bridge… but all the queens are wild. CHRISTIAN That’s very funny, Leslie. You know, you people don’t know how lucky you are. If I was running this store- MARLENE Oh, we know how lucky we are, Christian. BANNISTER Oh, hi, gang. So this is where you all are. Everyone immediately starts to get up from their chair. BANNISTER No, no, no, no sit down, sit down, enjoy yourself, play your cards. Can I get you a cup of coffee? MARLENE I don’t like the sounds of this. EDNA Howard, you’re in an awfully good mood. BANNISTER Well, why not, Edna? Every cloud has a silver lining. Every dark stormy night has a bright new door. MURRAY And that’s it for the weather tonight, folks. Now sports. BANNISTER (Sarcastically) That’s cute, Murray, very cute… just like you. BANNISTER Uh, look, while you’ve been shuffling and dealing, I wonder if you’ve noticed that we don’t have any customers. MARLENE Are you kidding? Forest Lawn has more action than we do! CHRISTIAN Look, sir, I want you to know that I’ve been thinking about his problem, and I have a plan. I say we call the City and file a complaint -- that way they can’t work here anymore. BANNISTER That’s terrific, Christian, terrific. In the meantime, who’s going to fill that big hole out there, the Dirt Fairy? CHRISTIAN (Pauses) You see, Murray, I told you it wouldn’t work! Murray looks puzzled – it wasn’t his idea. CHRISTIAN Kids! Takes time for their brain to develop. BANNISTER Listen gang, I’ve been walking around lately watching the store rot, and it’s given me a chance to do a lot of thinking. The four card players are holding all new cards, ready for a new game. MARLENE Ooh, this could be dangerous. One club. BANNISTER So I’d like to talk to you. EDNA So talk. One diamond. BANNISTER Eh, well, I don’t want to talk to you as a group. MURRAY One heart. BANNISTER I’d like to talk to you, uh, individually. LESLIE Spade. BANNISTER One on one. MARLENE Two clubs. BANNISTER One at a time. EDNA Two diamonds. BANNISTER Eh, that’s why I’d like you all to come to my office this afternoon. MURRAY Two hearts. BANNISTER Ehh… for a cup of coffee maybe. LESLIE Two no. BANNISTER Eh, no pressure? MARLENE Three clubs. BANNISTER No hassle? EDNA Three diamonds. BANNISTER No shop talk. MURRAY Three hearts. BANNISTER Ehh, just fun. LESLIE Three no trum. BANNISTER Double. Everybody looks up from the card game at Bannister. BANNISTER Well, who’s the first one who would like to have fun with me? MARLENE (Throwing cards down) Pass. EDNA (Throwing cards down) Pass. MURRAY (Throwing cards down) Pass. LESLIE (Throwing cards down) Pass. INT. DAY - BANNISTER'S OFFICE Bannister is consoling an employee. BANNISTER Now don’t worry about a thing. I’m sure your wife will be feel a lot better once the cast comes off her head. And I can’t promise you a silver casket for your grandmother, but I will promise you that she will not be put in Potter’s Field. Now the raise should come through any day, so don’t worry about a thing. The employee leaves and Bannister shuts the door behind him. BANNISTER That is the most depressing story I have ever heard since Old Yeller. (Grabbing a tissue) Next! Next is Viker. BANNISTER Oh, Viker, come in, I want to talk to you. Now look, Viker. I think it’s time we were on a first name basis. You can call me Howard. VIKER Jake. BANNISTER Jake! (Extending his hand) Nice to meet you, Jake. VIKER No, I mean that’s Jake with me. BANNISTER Ah. Well, uh, that means that I can call you by your first name? VIKER Roger. BANNISTER Ah! (Extending his hand) Roger! VIKER Roger, Dodger! (Winking) BANNISTER What can I call you, Viker? VIKER Viker’s fine with me. Nice talking to ya. BANNISTER Wait a minute, Viker, uh there’s something I want to ask you. Uh, how would you feel about taking a month off without pay? VIKER A month? Sure, no problem. I think I’ve earned a month off without pay. BANNISTER I don’t think you quite understood what I said, Viker. I mean a month off with no money, no salary, nothing. VIKER Of course, I’d have to call my wife first to see if she can get a month off without pay too. BANNISTER Oh, you think they’ll give it to her? VIKER They always do. It’s not easy to say no to Mrs. Maxwell Viker. BANNISTER Maxwell! That’s your name! VIKER No, that’s my brother’s name. She was married to him first. BANNISTER (Under his breath) A month may be too short. VIKER Hey, by the way, you know those construction guys needed some uh water to hook up to their equipment? BANNISTER Yeah? VIKER Well, yours truly spliced into the line below the ladies washroom. BANNISTER Viker, Viker, Viker, Viker... I don’t think that that is a good idea. We have had trouble with those pipes before. I think we should get a plumber. VIKER Nah, no need to -- works like a charm. A clang sound is followed by the sound of water spraying. MARLENE Aaah!!! Marlene storms into the office, hair and uniform soaking wet. MARLENE Bannister! VIKER I’ll take another shot at it. (Exits) MARLENE I hope you have lifejackets in the ladies room! BANNISTER Ehh, how bad is it? MARLENE Have you seen The Poesiden Adventure? BANNISTER Yes. MARLENE Would you like to see it again? BANNISTER Oh my God, Marlene. Get ahold of the gang, have them get some buckets, some pails and some mops, and try to keep the store from sinking! MARLENE Aye-aye, Captain. Shall I tell the band to keep playing? (Exits) EDNA (Entering) Howard, there’s a huge flood out there! Everyone up on the desks! BANNISTER Edna, it’s not the Mississippi, it’s just a broken pipe. EDNA I nearly drowned. JIM (Entering) Hey, where’s our water? BANNISTER Help yourself -- it’s all over the store. JIM Geez, I hope it doesn’t reach the donuts! BANNISTER Oh, don’t worry about the donuts – I have them in the safe. JIM By the way, how are the talks going with your staff? BANNISTER Uh, the talks. Ehh…what talks? EDNA How did you know about that? JIM Are you kidding? It was my idea. He tells me he’s gotta lay off a couple of people. So I says talk to the poor slobs… find out their soft spots… then pow, drop the axe! EDNA Pow, drop the axe?!?! JIM Yeah. He loved the idea! BANNISTER Well, perhaps love is a strong word. EDNA Howard, how could you? BANNISTER Eh, how could I? Because I have problems, that’s how could I, Edna! I don’t have any customers, I don’t have any business, and I don’t have a plumber. EDNA (Upset) Mmmhmm! (Exits) BANNISTER I don’t have a girlfriend, either. COMMERCIAL BREAK INT. DAY - STORE Bannister is mopping the floor. Edna brings out another bag of kitty litter to add to the barricade they've made to try to control the flood. EDNA Howard, how could you? BANNISTER It’s really quite easy, Edna. All you do is put on a pair of boots, get a mop, and start swabbing. EDNA I’m talking about those little chats with the staff. I thought you wanted to be their friend. BANNISTER I do want to be their friends. But at this particular moment, I can’t be too friendly with two of them. EDNA What happened to the Howard I used to know? The Howard that had such strength of character, courage, fortitude… loyalty to his fellow man? BANNISTER That Howard is in a breadline down the street. This Howard has a good job and intends to keep it. EDNA Just once, I wish you’d given me a ring so I could throw it back in your face! (Exits) Viker enters. VIKER Yep, that’s water alright. Water, water everywhere. Which is where it’s going to be if this kitty litter dam gives way. MARLENE (Entering) Bannister! I have got to go potty. BANNISTER Marlene, I can’t help you do everything. I can’t potty for you. You’ll have to potty for yourself. Go to the men’s room. MARLENE I can’t do that! Men are built a certain way, women are built a certain other way. VIKER And then there’s ducks. BANNISTER Viker, don’t help. MARLENE You wanted to speak to everyone in your office, fine, I’ll take my turn now. BANNISTER Uh, wait a minute, Marlene, don’t you think— MARLENE Bannister -- now! Marlene exits and Bannister follows behind her. INT. DAY - BANNISTER'S OFFICE Marlene is waiting at Bannister's desk with one hand on her hip. BANNISTER Alright, Marlene. Tell me what’s on your mind. Spit it out. MARLENE I’ve n-n-n-ever been so miserable in my entire life! Waaaahaaa! (Runs over to the couch) BANNISTER (follows her) Marlene, Marlene, it’s only a bathroom. MARLENE No it’s not. It’s everything. It’s my whole life (sobbing). BANNISTER Aww, poor baby. Look, just calm down, and try to get ahold of yourself, and tell me in your own way what it is that’s bothering you. Marlene is 'sobbing' so hard that it is hard to make out what she is saying. MARLENE (Takes a loud breath) I-I med thiz reeally nice guyy, an I thought h-hee liked metooo… BANNISTER You met this guy, you thought he was cute, and you went out on a date with him. MARLENE Yeaa. So, I go aawwmymon ana hee go and give aahhahhaa... BANNISTER You gave him all your money, he bought a big diamond ring, and gave it to another guy. MARLENE Naaahw!! BANNISTER Uh, another girl. MARLENE Erraaah, era! (sob) BANNISTER Now you have no money… MARLENE Orrr raah! BANNISTER You have no guy… MARLENE (Sniff)—ah! BANNISTER And you can’t pay your landlord the money you owe him for a very, very long time. MARLENE (Looks up at Bannister) Ah, geez (sobbing into his shoulder). BANNISTER Aww, Marlene. Take it easy, sweetheart. Pussycat, I’ll take care of him. MARLENE Thank you. Just don’t kill him. BANNISTER Ehh, yes. Well, I meant I would take care of your landlord. I would give him money to pay your rent. MARLENE (Surprised) You will? BANNISTER Yes, of course. Come with me, sweetheart, and I will give you some money. Now, here we go – this should take care of your rent, and get yourself a new outfit. And, uh, get your hair fixed up. (Gives her a lot more bills for that) MARLENE Bannister? Is your malaria flaring up? BANNISTER Look, Marlene, I want you kids to think of me as more than just a boss. I want you to think of me as a friend. Someone that you can come to in times of need. Someone who will be there. I want you to think of me as kind of a… kindly father. MARLENE Daddy? Did I tell you about the car insurance? BANNISTER Get out, Marlene. MARLENE Ha. My transmission’s gone. My breaks don’t work. I gotta use my feet! BANNISTER I don’t believe it, I just don’t believe it. Six-hundred and fifty dollars of my hard-earned cash to try to save this store money. There is a knock at the door. MURRAY (Off-camera) Mr. Bannister? It’s me, Murray. BANNISTER Murray. Of course, Murray. He’s perfect. He’s just a kid. He doesn’t need that kind of money. Come in, Murray! Murray enters. MURRAY Hi, Mr. Bannister. BANNISTER Hi, how are ya? I’ve been thinking a lot about ya lately. MURRAY Oh-ho, pretty wet out there! BANNISTER Yeah. BANNISTER Well you must get hate working at that job you’ve got being a box-boy all day long dropping those cans into those bags. MURRAY Oh no. It’s the best thing that’s happened to me in my entire life. I love this place. BANNISTER He loves this place. Yes, well you’ve got to get bored with your job. I mean, the same thing day after day, day after day… I mean, there must be times when you think to yourself, oh, would I love to get away from here for just… a month? MURRAY No, no. In fact, I was going to ask you if I could start an hour earlier every day. I could really use the extra buck. BANNISTER The extra buck. Yes, well, I don’t understand that, Murray. Why would you need an extra buck? I mean, a kid like you doesn’t need a lot of money. MURRAY My mother’s just been laid off. BANNISTER Aww. What about your father? MURRAY He works for my mother. INT. DAY - BANNISTER'S OFFICE Bannister and Leslie are sitting in Bannister's office. BANNISTER So, you see, Leslie, the reason that I asked you to come to my office was that I’ve been watching your work. Well, what I mean is, that I’ve been noticing your work. And I know that you have been noticing me noticing you working. Eh, what I mean is… LESLIE Mr. Bannister, let me save you the trouble. I think I know what’s behind these interviews. BANNISTER Ah. You do? LESLIE Mrs. Cobb, am I right? BANNISTER Well, yes. LESLIE She wants you to lay people off until things picks up, am I close? BANNISTER Mm-hmm. I don’t want to fire anyone, Leslie. LESLIE I volunteer. BANNISTER What I’d like to do is hire a bunch of people and fire them, because that—you volunteer? LESLIE Yes. You see, Mr. Bannister, those people out there are my friends, and— BANNISTER Hold it, Leslie. Bannister grabs his box of tissues, pulls one out, and motions to Leslie to continue. LESLIE (Emotionally) Each one of them needs the money a lot more than I do. So you just say the word – I’ll leave. Bannister blows his nose. Edna bursts into the office. EDNA Howard, this is ridiculous. Enough is enough. You’re not laying anyone off… e-especially Leslie! BANNISTER (Choked up) How could I, after that speech? What a guy. LESLIE (Standing up) That is the nicest thing anyone has ever called me. Bannister motions to him again with the tissue. Leslie exits. BANNISTER Edna, I’ve gotta call Mrs. Cobb and tell her that I can’t go through with this. I can’t fire these people. They’re all so nice. EDNA Oh, Howard, that’s wonderful. They’ll all be so relieved to hear that. All except Christian. He’ll be disappointed. BANNISTER Yes, well, that’s Christian’s problem. I can’t care—Christian! Of course, Christian! He’s perfect. I could lay him off for two months… Off-screen: MARLENE Woo! Let go of him, you big palooka! CHRISTIAN C’mon, you guys aren’t so tough, haha. That’ll be the day you stuff me in a garbage can. Ahhh, Marlene, help… ahhh… Bannister and Edna get up and run out to the store to see what all the commotion is about. BANNISTER Oh my God! Jim carries in a big round garbage can. Two legs are sticking out of the top of it. One foot is missing a shoe. JIM (Plunking garbage can down) I think this is yours! (Leaves) BANNISTER Christian, speak to me! My God (grabbing his feet) -- what have they done to his head? EDNA Oh, Howard. MARLENE Help the poor thing out now. Christian is covered in black. His clothes are in tatters. CHRISTIAN You want some more? EDNA What happened? CHRISTIAN Oh, sir. Somebody had to teach those hard-hatted gumballs a lesson. BANNISTER Why were they punching you? CHRISTIAN Well, sir, they were making derogatory remarks about Marlene. MARLENE You should have seen him, Bannister. He really stood up for me. There were fat lips, bloody noses, donuts flying everywhere… wooo, they really took a beating! LESLIE Christian did that? MARLENE No, I did – but he started it. CHRISTIAN (Beaming) Yeah, I started it. BANNISTER Gosh, I don’t know what to say. VIKER Hey, Boss – Mrs. Cobb’s on the phone. She wants the names of the two people who are being laid off, and she wants them now. BANNISTER OK, I’m going to give her those two names right now. EDNA Howard… BANNISTER No – “Edna”. “Edna” is the first name. “Howard” is the second name. EDNA I don’t understand. BANNISTER It’s really quite simple, Edna. I have spent a whole day learning to know my little family here. And now I’m gonna take four weeks to forget them. You and I are going on vacation – and I feel great. Bannister and Edna link arms and walk towards the exit doors.. MARLENE Congratulations Edna, you’ll have fun. EDNA (To Bannister) Honey, where are we going? BANNISTER Oh, Hamilton. Not downtown Hamilton, but… CHRISTIAN Have a good time! MARLENE Hope you have nice weather! MURRAY Mr. Bannister, watch out for the… BANNISTER (Off-camera) Yaaaaaaaa! A tremendous thud follows. COMMERCIAL BREAK INT. DAY - STORE Leslie is coaching Murray by doing a 'practice run' of what it's like to be a door-to-door salesman. LESLIE (To Murray) Try it again. Ding-dong. MARLENE (ditzy voice) Just a minute. Open. Yes? LESLIE Talk. Here. MURRAY (Reading) Good morning, madam. I represent the Mega-Vac Vacuum Cleaner co-… MARLENE Oh, stuff it! Slam! MURRAY C’mon, look what she did! She won’t even-- LESLIE Murray, Murray… if you are going to sell vacuums you got to have a little confidence. We’ll try it again. I’ll be the lady of the house. MURRAY OK. Knock, knock, knock. LESLIE Hi. MURRAY Good morning, madam. I represent the Mega-Vac Vacuum Cleaner-- LESLIE Isn’t that a Mega-Vac Vacuum Cleaner? They are marvelous. MURRAY Well, that’s right! I-It’s our new top-- LESLIE It’s a mark-seven dirt grabber. That can inhale a bowling ball from thirty feet away. MURRAY It can clean-- LESLIE It can clean your drapes, it can blow leaves off your driveway. That can even blow-dry your schnauser after a shampoo. MURRAY Absolutely! Would you like to buy it? LESLIE No thanks, I already have one. Leslie and Marlene share a laugh at Murray's expense. Christian enters carrying some sort of coconut. CHRISTIAN Hi, guys. Anybody want to see this? MARLENE Oh, you finally got your mail-order head. CHRISTIAN It happens to be a coco-gram from Bannister and Edna. MARLENE From Hoboken? LESLIE Oooh, let me see that. (Reading) “Dear gang, having a wonderful time, Love, Edna and Howard.” MARLENE That’s it? MURRAY How much can you say on a coconut? LESLIE No, no, no, no, no, here’s some more. “Tell Christian to lay off the slave-driver tactics and to close the store an hour early on Friday.” (Looks at his watch) Well, that’s a wrap. Let’s go home, everybody. CHRISTIAN Wait-a-wait-a-wait -- let me see that! LESLIE Well, well, y-you just have to read between the little tiny coco-hairs. CHRISTIAN Come on, it doesn’t say that. Give it to me! Leslie, Marlene, and Murray toss the coconut around to keep it away from Christian. |