| Transcript 2 EDNA MOSELEY, LESLIE RAPPAPORT, JENNIFER WOODS and MARLENE WEIMARAMER enter the staff lounge. Edna is showing off the charms on her braclette. EDNA And this one Howard gave to me in honor of our first kiss. LESLIE What is that, a gold hickey? EDNA No, Leslie, it’s lips! JENNIFER Oh, Mr. Bannister sure is romantic. EDNA Oh yes. Evey year on the anniversary of our first date, Howard buys me a little gold charm to commemorate our relationship. LESLIE Aww, and what is that heart with the little arrow through it? EDNA Oh, uh, Howard said he got chest pains when I dated somebody else. JENNIFER The little gold slipper? EDNA The first time we went dancing. MARLENE Ooh, I’m afraid to ask what the candle means. EDNA Yeah. I wonder what he’s going to get me this year. ALF SCULLY enters the room with his hands cupped. ALF Hey, Edna… Edna, close your eyes! EDNA What? ALF Mr. B. sent me out shopping for him, and you’re gonna just love what I got for you. EDNA Howard sent you to buy my present? ALF Yes. Don’t worry, he gave me specific instructions on what to get. Now hold your hand out, close your eyes… there you go… here you go… there you go… EDNA (screams) A rat!!! Howard gave me a rat??!?! ALF No, it’s not a rat, it’s a hamster. There, there, there, there, now Charlton, take it easy. LESLIE Charlton hamster? Cute! EDNA Alf, why on earth would Howard get me a rodent to hang on my braclette? MARLENE Yeah, and now, why didn’t he get her something practical… like a possum? ALF Well, you see, I was on my way to the jewellers, and I had to pass by the Furry Friends Pet Shop, and there was this little fellow in the front of the store just kinda clawing at the window… I couldn’t leave him there all alone, look at that… EDNA Why not? His parents did. MARLENE Why don’t you get him bronzed? He still might fit on your bracelette. JENNIFER Oh, that’s cruel. MARLENE I know. ALF You know, I used to have a little guy just like this. My God, he might be some kind of a relative, huh? MARLENE (Standing up) Well, I’d love to listen to this thrilling chapter of rodent roots, but I may ralph my lunch. Excuse me. (Leaves) EDNA Well, he is kinda cute and gentle. Maybe I-I could get used to petting him… in about f-f-five or ten years. ALF (Pointing to book) Well I think it’s sooner than that, because the instruction book says hamsters are a lot more fun while they’re still alive. HOWARD BANNISTER,is heard off-camera. BANNISTER Gack! Get that thing away from me! Bannister storms into the lounge. BANNISTER (To Alf) A rat? You bought Edna a rat?? ALF Well, you told me to get her something small and cute and golden. BANNISTER I don’t believe this. ALF Hey, it’s a good thing I didn’t get him engraved, huh? At least this way you can always take him back! BANNISTER Get out Alf. Alf leaves the lounge. MURRAY AMHERST enters the lounge. MURRAY Mr. Bannister, c-can I have a talk with you? Man to man? JENNIFER Well, I guess that leaves me out. Jennifer walks out of the lounge. LESLIE Me too. Leslie follows behind Jennifer. BANNISTER Well, what is it, Murray? This hasn’t been the greatest day of my life. Sit down and tell me all about it. MURRAY Can I have an advance in my pay? BANNISTER Again? Murray, do you realize at the rate that you’re going, that you’ll have used up your pension plan by the time you’re out of high school? MURRAY Look, this is really important, Mr. Bannister… it’s my senior prom tonight, and I have to rent a tuxedo. BANNISTER Oh, well, if that’s all it is, forget about the money, I’ll lend you my tuxedo. MURRAY Oh great, thanks. Can I borrow your car too? BANNISTER My car? Why my car? What’s the matter with your father’s car? MURRAY Are you crazy? I might smash it up. BANNISTER Yes, well of course. (sarcastically) I wouldn’t want you to walk your date to the bus stop. MURRAY Oh, thanks, Mr. Bannister. Can you help me with my date, too? BANNISTER I’m sorry, Murray, but my prom dress is at the cleaners. MURRAY This is serious, Mr. Bannister. I-I can’t show up alone. BANNISTER Do you mean to tell me that this is the night of the prom, and you don’t have a date yet? MURRAY Not really, no. Guess my problem is I’m just too picky. BANNISTER Well, I’m afraid Murray that you’re going to have to lower your standards. Who’s your next choice besides Bo Derek? MURRAY Well, there is somebody… but she’d never go out with me. If I asked her, she’d probably just laugh in my face. BANNISTER Aww, that’s a very negative attitude, Murray! Try to have a positive attitude. Just go up to the girl that you choose and say, “I’m going to take you to the prom tonight, and you’re going to have the time of your life!” MURRAY What if she says no? BANNISTER Well, then you just do what I did when I was your age. MURRAY What’s that? BANNISTER Go to your room and suck on an oreo cookie for six months. INT. - DAY - STORE Marlene is counting out money from her till. MURRAY Marlene, do you have a minute? MARLENE I’ve got the rest of my life, but I can see the next sixty seconds aren’t gonna be much fun. Murray takes a deep breath. MURRAY Would you please go to the senior prom with me? I’ll be the answer to all your dreams and you’ll have the best time of your life? MARLENE Huhuhuhuhuhsnnorthhuhuh…huhuhuh… huhuhuh… yeah right. INT. - DAY - STORE Alf and JACK CHRISTIAN, Assistant Manager, are talking. ALF What do you mean we don’t sell hamster food here? CHRISTIAN A surprisingly small number of hamsters actually shop here, Alf. Bannister enters. CHRISTIAN Ah, sir. This is something that’s very important -- I think you should look at it. BANNISTER I hope it’s your deportation papers. CHRISTIAN (laughs) I love it when you whip me with your words, sir, huhuh. But, intimacy aside… this is a notice from the head office. Apparently they’re sending around a health inspector to do surprise spot-checks on all the local markets. BANNISTER Well, I wouldn’t worry about it, Christian, you’ve had your shots… but, just to be on the safe side, try not to bite anyone this week. Murray approaches. BANNISTER Ah, Murray! All set for the dance tonight? Murray holds up a bag of oreo cookies. He looks dejected. BANNISTER She said no? MURRAY She laughed in my face. BANNISTER She laughed in your face? That’s terrible, that’s horrible. What kind of a cruel, vicious girl… you asked Marlene?? Murray nods dejectedly. BANNISTER Why didn’t you tell me you were going hunting in animal territory? I would have given you a tranquilizer dart. Don’t worry. Everything is going to be alright, Murray. Just let me take care of this. Bannister approaches Marlene at the check-out counter. BANNISTER Marlene, you’ve done a lot of rotten, vicious things in your life, but this takes the cake. MARLENE Is this about the three weight lifters and the can of Day-Glo paint? BANNISTER No, this is about the way you just turned Murray down. Do you realize how long it took that kid to get up the nerve to even ask you to go to the prom tonight? MARLENE Oh come on, Bannister, the kid’s seventeen, what am I, training wheels? I am woman, Bannister – I have dated entire floors of buildings. BANNISTER Marlene, Murray likes you. Don’t punish him for that. God has punished him enough for liking you in the—entire floors of buildings?? My God. Bannister walks away in disgust. MARLENE Oh, what am I supposed to do, go out with the geek? JENNIFER Oh come on, it’ll be fun. Remember the crepe paper streamers, the colored lights… LESLIE The slow dances… MARLENE No I don’t, I had better things to do. JENNIFER Oh, like what? MARLENE Like dropping out. JENNIFER You didn’t finish high school? MARLENE (sarcastically) Oh geez, I’m sorry, I should have confessed sooner. LESLIE Marlene, you just have to go to this dance. You take it from me – the senior prom can be the most magical night in a young girl’s life. MARLENE Come on. LESLIE I’m serious. INT. - DAY - LOUNGE Edna and Christian are sitting at the table. Charlton the hamster is in the middle of the table. EDNA Oh, isn’t that cute? He stuffs each side of his face with food and he chews it later… just like Howard. Oh come on, Jack, can’t you take him? CHRISTIAN Me? No, come on Edna, I’ve got I can handle with Fritzy. You know, schnausers can be very jealous creatures. I strongly suspect her in the brutal late night slaying at my stuffed koala bear. EDNA Jack, haven’t you ever had a little pet, like a teensy weensy one like this guy? CHRISTIAN Well, once when I was a little kid, I wanted a turtle. My mother came home with this rock and she painted it all over. It took me two years to figure out why it wouldn’t eat. God, I loved that rock. Murray enters and sees the hamster on the table. MURRAY Hey, you’re cute. You wanna go out tonight? EDNA Murray, this is Chartlon. Charlton, Murray. I hope you two will be very happy together. Edna exits. CHRISTIAN Murray, sit down, I gotta talk to you. You know, I’ve known a lot of women in my time. God, I’ve lived! Anyway, I’ve found that the best way to get them to do what you want is one thing. MURRAY What’s that? CHRISTIAN You stuff twenty bucks in their drink. But you don’t use quarters, they splash! Marlene comes to the staff room door. MARLENE Murray? Could you come over here for a minute? Murray walks over to her. MARLENE Remember what I said before when you asked me to the prom? MURRAY Yeah. You said, (mockingly) “Heeeehehehee”. MARLENE Yeah, uh, that was actually my little way of saying I’d-I’d like to go. I’m… I’m sure we’ll have a radical time together. MURRAY Really? Are you serious? MARLENE Sure. If any of my friends see me… I’ll just tell them I’m babysitting. MURRAY (Ecstatic) Oh, thanks Marlene, this is great, this is wonderful, this is fantastic, haha! (Trying to sound cool) I’ll pick you up around eight, and you won’t regret it. MARLENE Well, I’ll just go home after work, change, and I’ll meet you back here. MURRAY Yeah, catch you later, babe. Marlene exits. MURRAY I did it! I can’t believe it, she’s going out with me, hahaha! CHRISTIAN Congratulations my boy, you’re about to chart a course out of virgin seas. MURRAY No, no, we’re just going to a dance, aren’t we? CHRISTIAN Murray, Murray, Murray! Marlene is more likely to kiss you good morning than goodnight. You know, most women are listed in little black books. Marlene has a toll-free number! MURRAY Oh my God. CHRISTIAN Well, you’ll do fine, kid, don’t worry about it. It’s like driving a car. Except with Marlene, you won’t hit any red lights. (laughs) MURRAY Hey, where’s Charlton? The microwave dings. Murray and Christian both look at the microwave. MURRAY You didn’t. CHRISTIAN Of course not. C’mon Murray, what do you take me for? Now go on, get ready for your prom. Murray leaves. Christian opens the microwave door in a panic and peers in. CHRISTIAN Charlton? Oh, thank God. (Looking around the room) Charlton? Charlton? INT. - DAY - STORE Bannister and handyman VIKER are in the store. VIKER So you say you gotta hamster loose in the store? BANNISTER Shhh, keep your voice down – we sell food here! VIKER You do? Well, I guess that lowers your chances of starving him out. BANNISTER Viker, this is serious. Do you realize that the health department shut down a Cobb’s store – the one on McGuire Street – for sanitary reasons? VIKER Why – somebody go crazy? BANNISTER Not sanity – sanitary! Now look, I want you to find that hamster before the guy from the health department gets here. Got it? VIKER Got it? I haven’t even started looking for it. Bah, we’ll catch the little vermin. But first we have to fill out a form. BANNISTER Go ahead, read it to me. Viker licks his pencil. He licks it again. He frowns and licks it again. VIKER You know, I can’t believe how bad this tastes. BANNISTER I haven’t got all week, Viker! VIKER Gee, that’s too bad. My doctor gives me another thirty years. Forty if I give up these things. BANNISTER Get on with it, Viker. VIKER OK, first we need a description. Height, weight, color of eyes. BANNISTER We’re looking for a hamster, not Bugsy Malone. VIKER You’ve got bugs, too? That’s a whole different form. BANNISTER What’s the next question? VIKER Where did you last see the rodent? BANNISTER In Edna’s hand. VIKER Gee, those things like to crawl up your legs. I’d better get my wife in to frisk her. BANNISTER Look, I want you to find that hamster, and I want you to find him now… and I want him alive. Do you understand, Viker? Alive. VIKER Well, I suppose we could dig a little pit here and cover it over with twigs. INT. - NIGHT - LOUNGE Alf is trying to straighten Murray’s bowtie. ALF Hold still, will ya? It’s tough enough to— there. You handsome devil, you. MURRAY I feel like a head waiter. CHRISTIAN Aw, c’mon Murray, are you kidding me? You look great. That’s a Lou Miles original. If I know Marlene, she probably won’t even make it to the dance. (laughs) ALF She’s a hot number, alright. Don’t you wish that tux had an aesbestos lining? (laughs) Edna enters. EDNA Murray, this is your big moment. Your Cinderella awaits. Marlene enters. She is wearing a pink dress and a blue wig. MARLENE Well, Murray, you think I’ll fit in with your friends? Murray stares at her. He looks frightened. BANNISTER Well, Charlton isn’t in the cellar. I did see some weird thing with little beady eyes, but I was looking in the mirror. LESLIE Let’s get a picture of the happy couple before you go. MARLENE OK, Murray, everything goes when the whistle blows! She leaps into his arms. Murray gasps and lets go of her. MURRAY Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Murray runs out of the room. Bannister grabs Marlene. COMMERCIAL BREAK INT. - NIGHT - LOUNGE BANNISTER Christian, get Leslie and Alf, and try to find Murray. CHRISTIAN Yes, sir. (Leaves) BANNISTER Edna, call Murray and see if he’s hiding out in his house. EDNA Yes, sir. (Leaves) BANNISTER Where is Viker? VIKER Right here. BANNISTER Oh, there you are, Viker. Uh, do you think you need a big basket like that for a little hamster? VIKER Nah. But it’s just right for the gopher snake. BANNISTER Yes, I know it’s right for the… gopher snake? What gopher snake? VIKER The one I brought in to catch the hamster. BANNISTER Where is it?? VIKER You’re asking me? I thought you might have seen it. It’s about this high, eight feet long, and it’s really hungry. BANNISTER You mean you put that big snake out in our store? Alf enters. ALF Mr. B! Mr. B! Murray’s gone, I can’t find him anywhere! BANNISTER Oh God, I hope the snake didn’t get him. VIKER Well, if it did, I won’t have to feed it for a year! BANNISTER Alf, look some more. ALF Yes, sir. (Leaving) Edna enters. EDNA Murray’s not at home, either, Howard. BANNISTER Oh great, that is just great. Viker, go out in the store and get that snake outta there! VIKER Right. Bannister sighs. Viker hasn’t moved yet. Bannister and Edna look over at Viker. VIKER (pause) You mean now? BANNISTER No, I mean a week from Tuesday. Of course now! VIKER Here, Lorraine… here, Lorraine… (Leaves) BANNISTER Lorraine? Lorraine? A snake called Lorraine? A hamster called Charlton? What have we got here, pet stores on parade? Edna, go see if you can find Charlton, and pray that he’s not in the arms of Lorraine. Oh God, what a day this has been. Bannister goes to sit on the couch, next to Marlene. She looks depressed. BANNISTER Hello, Marlene. What’s the matter, feeling a little blue? Marlene remains silent. BANNISTER I can’t believe this. This is the first time I’ve ever said anything to you and you haven’t snapped back right away with an insult. Something really is wrong. MARLENE Mr. Bannister, this isn’t the first time I’ve been stood up. What is it about me that scares men away? BANNISTER Yes, well, you’re not scary, Marlene, I mean you’re a little strange, a little weird, maybe a little kooky… but you’re certainly not scary. CHRISTIAN Alf found him. He was hiding in Produce. BANNISTER (To Marlene) Now you see, that’s what I’m trying to t— Bannister jumps up off the couch. BANNISTER (To Christian) Murray was hiding in Produce? MARLENE No, he means the snake. CHRISTIAN No, no, I mean the hamster. MARLENE Well, where’s the snake? CHRISTIAN I don’t know, maybe he’s with Murray. MARLENE Well, where’s Murray? CHRISTIAN I found the hamster, Marlene! BANNISTER Stop!! Let’s not do this, kids. Alf appears from the storage room. ALF (With cupped hands) There you are, you little devil. He don’t look so good, though. They crowd around him to take a look. BANNISTER (Pointing) Alf, that isn’t Charlton. That is a kiwi fruit. ALF Oh, thank God… there are hundreds of them out there. INT. - NIGHT - BANNISTER'S OFFICE Bannister flicks on the lights and spots Murray. BANNISTER Murray, what the hell are you doing here? MURRAY I’m escaping. BANNISTER I thought Leslie checked out this office. MURRAY I hid under the desk. Hey, did you know somebody stuffed all these dirty magazines in this long tube— BANNISTER Ehh, yes, well, uh, thank you Murray. Uh… where have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you! MURRAY I just can’t go through with it, Mr. Bannister. Marlene’s too much. I know if I go out with her she’s gonna ask me to… I’m just not sure I’m ready for that. BANNISTER I see. So instead, you’re gonna let her just sit out there in the lounge, all messed up, and nowhere to go. I think you owe a certain lady an apology… before she naypoms your house. MURRAY C-can’t I just send her a postcard or something? Bannister gives him a stern look. MURRAY OK, I’ll talk to her. BANNISTER I want you to go there and I want you to say something very nice and very sweet to her, and if you’re lucky, she’ll go to the prom with you tonight. MURRAY Oh, thanks Mr. Bannister! Murray looks like he wants to hug Bannister, but is holding back. BANNISTER Go ahead, Murray. Murray hugs Bannister. BANNISTER (Immediately) That’s enough. BANNISTER Now, there’s one more question I’d like to ask you before you leave. The thing that is crawling up my leg… is that short and fury, or long and slimey? MURRAY (Looks down) Long and slimey. BANNISTER Ah, OK. I’m going to faint now, Murray, and while I’m lying here, you go find Viker. Bannister faints, face first. INT. - NIGHT - LOUNGE Edna and Marlene sit at the table. Marlene is picking at her blue wig, which she has removed from her head. EDNA I remember my senior prom. I wore a peach taffeta party dress, and my mother did my hair all in ringlets. MARLENE Aww, sounds really nifty, bordering on keen… did you go with a guy named Biff? EDNA No, I went with a guy named Wally. Wally Rasputen. No relation to the monk. And you know, we nearly got arrested after the prom for making out in the backseat? MARLENE Oooh. Musta been a hot car. EDNA Motorcycle, actually. Murray enters. MURRAY Hi, Marlene. MARLENE What’s up Murray? Forget to kick me in the head before you left? MURRAY OK, I acted like a jerk. I’m just trying to say I’m sorry. Hey, I-I got you this. He holds out a corsage. MARLENE Do you honestly think I’d still consider going out with you after the way you dumped on me? MURRAY I guess older people don’t bounce back so fast, huh? He puts the corsage on the table. MURRAY Here… t-take it anyway. MARLENE Well, what do you expect? MURRAY Well, it’s not like I didn’t want you to come with me or anything. I just didn’t think you’d have a very good time. Not like with all those other guys. MARLENE Murray, what do you think I am? I like to have a good time, not be a good time. I’m not some thrill-ride at an amusement park. MURRAY You mean, you just wanted to dance? MARLENE Yeah! MURRAY Well, I can handle that! MARLENE Well, alright, let’s get going before it’s past your bedtime! Marlene slaps him on the arm with gusto. MURRAY Oww! Great, let’s go! MARLENE Great! They hold hands and start to leave. MURRAY What about your wig? MARLENE Ah, forget it. I’ve got an orange one in the car. Marlene and Murray run out of the lounge MARLENE (jumping) We’re going to the prom!!!!! Woooo!!! Bannister and Edna come in. BANNISTER (yelling) Have fun, kids! And be careful with that tuxedo, Marlene, it’s mine. EDNA Ohh, isn’t it romantic, Howard? Do you remember your senior prom? BANNISTER Ah, yes, De Witt Clinton High School, Class of Forty—eh, Forty—ehhh… there must have been forty students in that class. EDNA Well, I wish we’d gone there together, we could have been steadies. I could have worn your class ring or your school pin. BANNISTER Well, you would have had it taken away from Irene Belinsky. EDNA Ah, was she your girlfriend? BANNISTER No, she was the school bully. She took my ring, she took my watch, she took my wallet… and she took my lunch. Viker enters. VIKER Well, Charlton ran his little legs off, but I got him. One pest to go. BANNISTER Well thank you anyway, Viker, but we found Murray. VIKER Of course, I’ll have to charge you for the mongoose I lost. BANNISTER Well, that’s reasonable, a mongoose is… mongoose? What mongoose? VIKER To look for the snake. It answers to Billy-Bob. BANNISTER There is a mongoose called Billy-Bob out in our store?? VIKER Right. Boy, I’m glad I don’t shop here. (Turns and leaves) EDNA Howard, now don’t you wish you’d just given me a small, gold charm? BANNISTER Well, Edna, what makes you think that I didn’t think of that? Bannister presents a little gold charm. EDNA Awww… BANNISTER Remember what happened to my car on our first date? EDNA Oh, Howard, a flat tire. I love it… thank you… They kiss. Their kiss is abruptly interrupted by the sight and sound of a table moving on its own… or is it…? BANNISTER Viker!! COMMERICAL BREAK INT. - DAY - STORE EDNA [Kid] eats head off family pooch… I don’t believe it, do you? CHRISTIAN Sure. Kids are picky eaters. Murray enters. CHRISTIAN Hey, morning, Murray! How was the dance? MURRAY Cut it out. JENNIFER Hey, Murray. You look remarkably rested for a guy that just dated Marlene. MURRAY Well, I think I have post-datal depression. I hardly spent two minutes with her. She danced with everybody in the school, my principal, my teachers and the entire janitorial staff. LESLIE (Entering) Good morning, one and all. And speaking of one and all, where’s Marlene? MURRAY Probably at home resting her feet. LESLIE Well, I got those pictures she hired me to take last night. MURRAY That was you behind the band? LESLIE Yes, it was. I love being near men in uniform. Now don’t forget, Marlene waited ten years to go to a senior prom. I guess she just wanted to remember it. MURRAY She could always ask one of the one hundred and sixty guys who were a part of it. CHRISTIAN A hundred and sixty guys? LESLIE She’s so outgoing. (Opens his photo album) Here she is going out the window. And here she is table hopping. Oh, and here, hopping off the table into the punch bowl. (To Edna) She looks lovely in orange peels, don’t you think? Marlene enters. She is wearing big pink fuzzy slippers on her feet. MARLENE Hey Murray? Thank you for the best seventeen hours of my entire life. MURRAY It wasn’t that long. MARLENE Oh sure, for you -- you went home early at 4a.m.! Ah, by the way, Murr – you’ll be getting an “A” in Latin and Physics. Marlene leaves. Christian chases behind her. CHRISTIAN Wait a minute, Marlene, you got him an “A”? Listen, I’m trying to get this bank loan, do you think you could take in an application for me? Marlene punches him square in the gut. He doubles over. CHRISTIAN (Still doubled over) Well, would ya?? |