Here is where you will find some of the poetry from the creative mind of yours truly. Criticism/questions are welcome. I will provide a little synopsys as to what the poem is supposed to be about, but also feel free to interpret things in your own way - poetry is an art and everyone views art in different ways. Also, please direct all retarded comments to my butt. Thanks!
Naked In The Moonlight (January 18, 2000)
Sometimes
it's just so sad
Like the days are so long
And without end
And I dream of a land far away
Where you and I would play...
And
I can't help but thing about how
I've never seen you standing in the sun
The light is always gone when
We fall upon each other's arms...
Our souls stripped naked to the sky
Tears of laughter we often cry
Living in the moonlight...
And
why does love often feel
so much like suicide?
We play our roles and
Complement each other's lives and
Then...when daybreak comes, again
So alone here we stand
Our bodies covered head to toe in sunlight
Dreaming of being naked in the moonlight.
This poem is definitely not what it appears to be about. At first glance, most people think this is a love poem. Well, it's not. This poem kind of has a double meaning. It's about searching for love, and it's about losing love. It's about having this dream of your ideal person, and at the same time waking up and realizing that the person you're with is not that person at all, and day by day, you become less and less in love with that person because you realize that he (or she) is wrong for you...yet you're afraid to leave because you never know what's around the corner, and it seems slightly absurd to leave someone that you're with just because of this "dream" person that might not even exist.
On The Veranda (November 5, 2000)
"So,
this is what married life is like..."
You said with a smile to me,
Sitting on the veranda.
Your hair was being tossed by the wind.
It was three in the morning,
and seeing you again after all this time,
It was as though we were never apart.
I
asked you why
But I was too lost in thought
To remember what you said.
I thought about what it would be like
To wake up next to you every day
And how my troubles seem so far away
Well,
if only the times were different...
If the situation could be right
I'd have taken your hand right then,
I'd never let go
And we'd run away...far away...
But
good things always come at the wrong time
And now I'm driving one hundred twenty miles away
Will this chance ever come again?
It's like a taste of something just around the bend...
But a taste can't carry you forever...
And
so the conversation dissipates
Yet sticks in my mind, unforgotten
And our paths divulge by the fork in the road
I'm going south...you're staying north...
I'm going with dreams of things being less distant
And I wonder...could a bridge be built?
I
will always remember
Sitting across from you on the veranda
Contemplating possibilities...
Hearing just one line
Echoing in the early morning air...
I wonder what married life would be like.
Wow...there's a lot behind this one. It's based on a true story. Last November, I was having so many problems with my life...and my best friend, David (and now ex boyfriend and ex best friend but that's another story altogether!) invited me up to UF to stay with him for a weekend to get away from everything. He had been my best friend for seven years and was like a brother to me, but he went to Gainesville to go to UF, and I stayed in Orlando, so we hadn't seen each other in a couple of years. But anyway...to make a long story short, there was definitely a connection there between us, maybe more on his part than mine. But thanks to my aversion to long-distance relationships (yeah, go ahead and laugh at me now) I told him there couldn't be anything between us. But we talked after I got back to Orlando, and decided to give it a shot anyway. And it didn't work out. Yeah, there's way more to the story than this even. But, anyway...moral of the story: never date your best friend!
Nothing Less...Nothing More (October 21, 2000)
Problem...solution
can only reach one conclusion
It's only safe to run away
when the feeling gets too harsh.
And tonight's the night...
Daytime...to
night time
Tighter grows this rope I climb
I'm getting so far away from you
It's so much safter here in the clouds
and being oblivious is bliss.
Ignorance...to
obvious
Could not see the distance between us
And so here, miles away I stand
Feeling oh-so numb to your game
and seeing how much things have changed.
Difference...to
constants
Similar to a mound of red ants
Kicked over by some children's play
My comforting world has forever changed
Run over by some chemical emotion.
Love...to
loneliness
what once was -- is nothingness
I woke up to face the cold facts
That something in my life lacks
and upward direction.
He
was just a boy
Who didn't love me anymore
Nothing less, or more in store...
This one is about realizing you're stuck in, not just a dead-end relationship, but a damaging relationship. One where there's no love, just one person controlling the other one...this is from the perspective of the person who is being controlled. And while you're in it, you don't notice all the damage that it's causing - but then, one day, you take a step back, and you see that you're being hurt more and more every day, that your self esteem is being depleted by this passive-aggressive control freak. And then you break free.
Doorways and Windowpanes (April 26, 2001)
So I
walked inside and shut the door,
secluded myself inside these four walls.
What a long day it had been,
Such is the usual, same in, same out,
same four walls, same four hours,
Excitement is overrated anyway, or so I thought
Until that knock on my door
some hours after I had resigned to monotony...
Many
times now the decision was made
leave that door closed, leave myself cut off
keep everything familiar locked in place
no change, prefent the same beginning, same ending,
same false hopes, same broken heart
loneliness is underrated anyway, or so I believed
until I changed my mind,
opened the door, and stared opportunity in the face.
So, I
let him in on a trial basis
and we talked awhile as I gazed out the window
a little nervous and unable to make eye contact
eyes are the window to the same soul, same empty stare
same blank mind, same internal scar,
openness is too complicated anyway, so I had accepted,
until I heard him speak,
with such softenss that I could not help mut use my voice...
Such
words he spoke that night that
Showed that this was someone I always knew
had been a key part missing from my life
as we shared this same moment, same feeling
same thought, same intensity
happiness was never unconditional until now,
until I saw my walls become transparent,
as he saw right through me and into my soul...
Unforgettable
was this night I knew,
as I let him take my hand in his and
walk me through the door, outside my little world
as we now shared one soul, one touch,
one heart, one love
soulmates were nonexistant to me until now,
as we began our epic story,
everlasting, never-ending, and eternal.
This is probably my favorite poem that I've written, ever. There is quite a story behind this one. As can be said by the poems I have posted above, I have had very bad luck in relationships. Every relationship I have been in, up to this point, has been damaging, hurtful, and has ended in complete failure. After the last relationship, I gave up. I didn't care if I ever found someone else. I didn't want to. I decided that men were stupid and that I would never find the one who would treat me right and make me feel warm, loved, comfortable -- like I belong, like I matter, like I make a difference, like I was important. For the entirety of my previous relationship, I was used, taken for granted, controlled, made to feel worthless and useless and stupid, and yet I gave my all to it every day, only to wake up one day and realize that I was better off alone than to be with him. And I swore that I would never, ever put myself through that again. So I decided to rely on myself, and nobody but myself. And I took time to rebuild my life, and I thought that the only way that I could do that was to be alone -- and that rebuilding my life would take a lifetime, which meant spending a lifetime alone. And just as I had relinquished myself to being alone, I met Scott. And it was unexpected, that I would change my mind, that I would feel something so strong for someone. And so, I gave it a shot again. And that has proven to be the best decision that I ever made in my life, because with him I don't feel alone, yet I still have the room to improve myself - and he gives me the encouragement I need and even on my worst day, it's not anywhere as bad as it was back then. So, moral of the story - even when you're at the bottom, always realize - it can only go up from there - and even when you think that all men are assholes, one will come along who isn't when you least expect it and surprise you!
The White Light (April 30, 2001)
Encapsulated
in darkness
Just four walls, tightly closing in
Arms are stretched but hands,
they just feel the cold air,
the cold wall,
Feeling their way through emptiness
It's all that surrounds,
nothingness and clammy air
The body stands, a frozen statue
Absent stare and vacant heart
Alienated and alone with icy breath
Abandoned in a spiral of nothing
Desecrated and full of hate
Naked feet walk down a corridor
that seems to go on infinitely
Toward nothing and losing hope
losing all faith in life
losing all faith in this chemical reaction known as love
Tears turn to crystals of frost on
cheeks that hve lost their rosy color,
blood running like antifreeze through
a purposeless muscle beating in the breast
fueling a soul meaning nothing
and seeking nobody but a dream.
Eyes, they see a white light in the distance
has appeared from nowhere, born of desire,
a desire to escape and faith becomes a
newborn child, crying for a sacred touch.
On tiny tip-toes, the legs run toward the light
cold blood flowing faster, reawakening long deceased veins
as a once nearly nonesistant heartbeat
is throbbing up in ears
full of life and full of fear...
What if this is a mirage?
It's too late to give up now,
when the light is growing, glowing, causing the
pupils to dilate
Suddenly taking flight, now soaring
toward the end of the tunnel
the end of a torturous era
and the soul then breaks free,
where the warmth of the light
and the chill of darkness meet as a tornado
The body is sucked out into something new
and falls upon warm arms,
lips smile and touch in an invited kiss
and two hearts become one,
as I discover that this body is mine,
and now understand
as I waded through the painful darkness,
it was always you that I wanted...
it was always you that I knew...
it was always you that I was destined to find...
it was always you that I'd sought for...
it was always you that was my white light...
it was always you that was my dream...
This one is along the same lines as the last one...but slightly different. It's kind of a combination of the first one and the previous one. It's about having this dream of someone...that you think you'll never find...but you know if you do, your life will never be the same. Yet at the same time, someone has left you so cold, so bitter, so alienated and alone that you don't even recognize your own body. Your heart feels foreign...your legs seem alien...the sound of your own voice sounds like someone else's. But all of a sudden...just as you're giving up and falling into this cold, frozen, desolate hell, you catch a glimpse of something that forces you to try harder, to struggle out of this hell and this depression, and you keep striving higher and running towards it, until you find it...and you find out that it's that person that you had always dreamed of. And your life is never the same.
Blur (October 19, 1998)
I
watch the second-hand
Ticks the seconds of my life away and I wonder
How did I get here and when did I decide to become
Who I am, sitting here today?
Or did I decide?
Or is it me at all
Sitting at watching the time of my life go by?
Years from now, will I think of the me of today
and wonder -- What was I thinking
as the pen scrolled across this paper of mine?
And was it really my thoughts that I poured
onto the paper, thinking of the minutes and seconds
that flew by like a robin-bird,
Blurry and red across the sky of hope?
Five minutes have passed and what have I accomplished?
Schizophrenic thoughts just dying to come out
No real order or no real plan,
Just my hand shaping the letters of my heart
And what is that boy of mine doing -
Last night, he talked in a tone of renewed love
And I missed it when he said it, but
maybe
we're both afraid of what's to come
Because we don't know, we're always
ever really into counting the days
but what is a day?
Collections of minutes and seconds and hours
And never really knowing where we'll be tomorrow
And will these wasted hours just go on and on
So confused and just gathering in a never-ending
cycle and no way to get out
My words always coming out wrong
And was that light I just crossed red or green?
Or was that person that nearly hit my car just a moron?
Or was it me?
I toil and work and stress and think
all day every day but what for?
Are any of my thoughts really absorbed
and when I speak does anyone hear me?
If I stopped singing would I start to cry?
Sitting here I can't remember, what was that
THING I always used to think?
And what the hell is my point?
I never make any sense and my words wrap
around and make contradictions because
I never really know what I believe
Until I say it and I often disagree with myself.
Ten minutes have passed and I still won't be
late for class.
I don't like my class anyway.
But confused as I am, I like my life
and all writing is, is just strings of thoughts
Who cares if they make sense?
My bag is broken again but it can be fixed,
No need to worry.
And I really must be going but I leave myself
With this --
Who needs more in life than a pen, some paper, and
some really blurry thoughts?
I know this one doesn't make sense. I wrote this on my lunch break during my first semester of college. I was going through a phase where I questioned everything in my life, every thought, every decision, every person, everything - I was trying to find where I fit in, until I realized that I don't fit in anywhere. There's not really much more that I can say about this one. It's rather self-explanatory. And no, I'm not as crazy as I seemed when I wrote this one. The point behind it is to truly see what was inside my head - all the randomness and all the questioning and doubt.
Secret Victory (?? Sometime in 1997)
The desire came from within. They destroyed you. The broken pieces are now whole and you want to put them behind you now, but that you're doing well you want to talk to them, you want to let them know - look at me now, I'm whole again. I can live without you, I'm not under your control any longer! You want to punish them and let them know that their attempts have failed. You can breathe again. And you know that as much as you would like to tell them , the contact would revert you back to your previous state, so you remain in silence, smiling to yourself in secret victory.
This is a little monologue I wrote after, yet another, sad and destructive relationship a few years ago - another time that I had resolved myself to never falling into a trap like that again (which, I unfortunately did - history always repeats itself.) But at that time in my life, things were comfortable again. And I wanted to laugh in the face of the person who told me that I was nothing without him. But, I knew better - I knew some things are better left unsaid. And at least I was proud of myself!
Fantasma (April 23, 1995)
A
teardrop in a lonely eye
Crystal blue as the sky
Filling a deep green pool of sadness
Or perhaps of a certain lacking.
I
wish love was more powerful
To the ones that it is aimed
But the ones that it is thrown to
Push it away in the blink of an eye.
This
is not meant to be a love song,
Not meant to be a tale of a happier life
More like a store of pain and anger
That can push someone to hate.
I
see the anger in your eyes
Why do you try to deny?
Throw it out into the open,
For it can kill a person inside.
Just
let it out, scream and shout,
Don't hide it all away.
I can see it in your eyes,
I can see the hurt and pain.
A
person can hurt, and hurt forever,
It can waste a life away.
Open up your mind and eyes and
Wipe those tears away.
Your
big green pools of sadness
May never go away;
But if you find the positivity in your heart
You will see the light of day.
When I was 14, I met a boy and became very good friends with him. He was sweet, and funny, and shy, and cute. Pretty much everything that a 14 year old girl can process as being a good potential boyfriend. I'll protect this boy's identity by not revealing his name. Well, anyway, we wound up dating. And very soon thereafter, it became apparant that he was emotionally troubled. He would cry and cry every single day and never tell me what was bothering him. And the more I would try and help, the worse it became. It eventually became impossible for me to deal with. He had some serious issues. Last I heard...he had fallen victim to his own problems and is no longer with us. But this is about him and was my way of coping with how frustrated I was trying to help him with his problems.
Random Thoughts (August 7, 1995)
What can I do to show you how I feel? How can I express my sorrow? Was saying "I love you" not enough? Was every moment we spent together a waste? How can I tell you that the best thing that ever happened to me just walked out that door? Would you ignore it? Would you listen? Would you care? Would you know it was you? Why did you bring me so close to happiness, only to crush me? Was it intentional? An accident? A mere coincidence? A tragedy? Did you ever really love me? Did you lie? Did you try? Do you ever miss me? Think of me? Dream of me? Are there pangs of jealousy every time I see someone new? Does it hurt? Do you cry? Do you long for me to put my arms around you? Do you smile at our memories? Do they make you sad? Happy? Angry? Is life as h ard for you without me, as mine is without you? How do you feel? Are you grinning? Smiling? Pouting? Laughing? Crying? Yelling? Whispering? Will you ever love again? Do you already? Are you as bitter as me? Lost? Estranged? Lonely? Do you regret leaving? Are you just too proud to admit that you still love me? Or is this just wishful thinking? Did you ever think that you think to much? I know I do.
I think this one explains itself. It was basically my reaction to my first boyfriend, Andy, breaking up with me. Granted, this was written a year and a half afterward. Strangely enough, he was the only ex-boyfriend that I remained friends with after we broke up. I still hear from him from time to time - not often, but about once a year or so. Moral of the story - sometimes people don't mean to hurt you, but they do, even if they do care about you (and some boys are better friends than boyfriends!).
Reflection (December 15, 1995)
Though
the pain is in the past,
I still have animosity
For those who made us grow up too fast
The long nights that tears we shed
Went hand and hand with how inside we bled.
And how we thought that we were wrong
Was confused with how we knew that we were the strong.
The days and nights we were all alone,
Rejected by whom we call a clone,
And now, the hurt we had to endure,
Has been cleansed away, our souls remain pure.
We found love inside each other's hearts,
And the wounds were healed by cupid's darts.
Together we can show them all,
Watch, and see us both stand tall.
I was never well-liked in middle school or high school. I was always the dorky kid that sat in the back of the class and played AD&D on the weekends and got good grades and was always a little taller and a little funnier looking than everyone else, and didn't buy into designer clothes and didn't listen to top-40 radio, and was the teacher's pet and always on the honor roll, so on and so forth, and therefore, was never invited to the cool parties and always picked last in gym class (except basketball because in middle school I was awkwardly tall for my age and I was good at it), and always got picked on by the cool kids. This one is about being that kid. And finding someone else just like you that you can bond with. (No, the "cupid's darts" thing doesn't necessarily mean love...)
Grandmother (January 3, 1997)
I remember -
Sunny mornings in a kitchen
That smelled like fresh-baked cookies
and coffee.
I remember -
Bins full of toys
And a record player that played
children's songs.
I remember -
Warm hugs and kisses
Which gave a feeling that only
a grandmother could give.
I remember -
Spending nights at grandma's house
And how thrilled my young mind was with
the "big bed"
I remember -
Growing up you were always near
And no matter what happened
you always loved me dear.
I remember -
Going for long walks as the sun set
You and I walking together
hand in hand.
I remember -
These past few years you fought so hard
And from that you taught me
how to be strong.
I will never forget -
The happy times you and I shared
And the love that could only exist
Between a grandmother and a granddaughter.
New Years eve, 1996, my grandmother passed away after battling cancer for over three years. I wrote this poem to be read at her funeral (even though I remember hearing it read and hating how the pastor read it!). She was a brave woman, who, even in spite of grim odds that doctors gave her (they said she would live six weeks - she lived over three years and almost beat it at one point!) had such a strong desire to live that she didn't give up. She definitely left a legacy to be remembered, and this was my tribute to her.
Hypocracy (January ??, 1997)
Touch
me
I feel myself falling asleep
Touch me, remind me that I'm awake.
I must be dreaming -
In real life, you'd not be gone from me.
Hold me
I feel myself slipping away
What was once a dream
Is now an empty void.
Love me.
Romance was made in the
Bed of our love -
And you cried each time,
Begged me never to leave.
Where are you?
Hypocracy.
Embrace me.
The cold air entered when you
Opened the door and closed it on your way out.
My blood is chilled without a
heart to stir it.
Warm me.
Another sad ex-boyfriend poem. This one is about a boy named Jeremy. (Jeremy, if you're reading this - you *still* suck, but I'm way over it so don't let it feed your ego!) Basically he promised to love me forever, and then he suddenly wanted to go back to his ex-girlfriend (who happened to be, at the time, one of my best friends) and so she started forwarding to me these love-letter emails that he was writing to her. And then he decided he wanted to go out with my other really close *guy* friend as well. Talk about not knowing what you want in life...moral of this story...don't promise a girl you'll always love her, and in the same breath tell the same thing to her two best friends. You'll get caught.
Battlefield (January 7, 1997)
My
mind is like
A battlefield.
My thoughts and feelings
Are bullets that pierce my heart.
I am in a never ceasing war -
with myself.
I am my own friend.
I am my own enemy.
I can only confide in myself,
And only I will betray me.
With every bullet wound to my chest
I rush myself to the emergency room -
But just how soom after I recover will it be
Before I am killing myself again?
Smoke from gunpowder clouds my head
Confusing my thoughts and feelings -
Pitting me against myself
Little voices screaming to end this war,
To end this misery,
Or to end this life.
Depression at it's finest. But I'm sure you already figured this one out, it basically explains itself. If you didn't, give it a little more thought.