2-5-02, Tuesday - ...once again...it doesn't get any better than this...and this time, I'm not being sarcastic...
It's been almost a month since I last wrote. Such a long, busy month it has been. Wow.
Scott moved back in. I'm so thrilled. Everything is beautiful when he's there. He just got a job, working with Full Sail, as well...lucky, lucky, lucky us. I don't think my life has been this wonderful in years.
I've made a lot of progress toward my new years resolutions so far. I've had a few set-backs but I really feel like I've made that first big step forward. I don't know how or when it happened, but somehow, somewhere in the past month I've made that step, where I am now able to, when confronted with a familiar situation, take that step over reflecting on the past and just look at the situation in the present context. I mean, of course my old habits peek through, every now and then...but I have good ways of dealing with them now. And I also think I'm getting better at controlling my temper.
The only thing I'm really, truly having trouble dealing with is learning how to open up to people, especially with Scottie...I was getting so good at it before when he was here, then he left, and I guess everything went back to the way it was. I've been working on that, however...I've been trying to force myself to talk, even if I don't want to. And it's not even all bad...I mean...about a week and a half ago...maybe less than that...I was having all these insecurities...about how I was worried that he was unhappy or that he felt like I was holding him back, so on and so forth and it was killing me...and finally I just had to say something, and I talked with him...and I found out that I was just turning my own insecurities into personal truths, if that makes sense...like I was making myself believe it was true, making the assumption, without even talking to him about it. Truth was, as he said, that he's happier than ever. God, it felt so good to hear that...I felt like I had a twenty-ton bag of lead lifted off my shoulders. So I learned from that, when in doubt... I need to talk about it with him...my perception of things is often quite off.
Well, I think that's everything I have to talk about today!
Today's Tidbit of Truth: Is it just me, or did you feel REALLY bad for Triple H that Stephanie McMahon is carrying his baby?
This is going to be me rambling about my current philosophy on life.
Life, especially mine, if it were a person, would be the most deceptive, cruel, and overbearing dictator that ever existed.
Let's see, where shall I begin?
Let's start in 1998. May 1998. I graduated high school, May 25, 1998. I had my diploma, a scholarship that paid 75% of my college education, and the whole world at my fingertips. 17 years old...bright...could have done anything, gone anywhere...etc....
What did I do?
Enrolled at Valencia Community College, working toward an A.S. in computer science. Classes started in August, 1998.
Things were great for the first year and a half. I did well in college, loved it as a matter of fact...challenging, yet fun...
October 1999. Eric breaks up with me. Rearranges all of my goals in life, teaches me to always have a "Plan B"...i.e....never put all your eggs in one basket...
April 2000...move out of my parents home and semi-in with new(now long-since-ex) boyfriend. Life begins to go down the shitter. Start doing poorly in school because I have to work full time to support myself. Fail a class. Lose my scholarship. All the money I had saved up for school is now gone. I am supposed to have graduated by now...no such luck.
May-August, 2000 - Basically, I say "The hell with school" during this period because I can't even afford to eat. Work 40-45 hours a week, while taking care of (now ex) boyfriend who had just had surgery.
September 2000 - Go back to school, again, paid for it on (now maxed-out) credit cards. Ex boyfriend breaks up with me. Frustrated with bills, lack of self esteem, and having no social life, I become depressed. I do very poorly this semester and have to drop several classes. I get sick a lot because I'm stressed out.
December 2000 - Me and dumb ex boyfriend get back together. I get a new job, closer to my new home, but work same amount of hours.
January 2001 - New semester of school. I do well this semester, but fail one class, which keeps me from graduation in April of 2001.
February 2001 - Break up with ex-boyfriend, this time for good.
March 2001 - Meet Scottie...fall in love...happier than I've ever been. Find new, well-paying job that sucks ass.
April 2001 - Find out I'm not graduating. Credit cards are now overly maxed out, no money to go back to school to take class needed to graduate.
May 2001 - Can't stand living near ex-boyfriend, move out, into new apartment.
August 2001 - Quit job at Sprint because it sucked.
October 2001 - Scott moves in with me...yay!
November 2001 - Get job at Full Sail.
December 2001 - Scott moves out. Boo.
Well, that's basically the history that got me to where I am now. As you can see, I'm screwed.
I wasted three years working toward a degree that is basically equivalent to being expensive toilet paper. I haven't even finished it yet. I have no money to go back. I have no more scholarship. I work and barely have enough to pay the bills. I have close to 6k in debt from paying for college. I have no hope of going anywhere. I am stuck in this horrible, horrible position for ever...I have no way to take my 145-give-or-take-a-few-points gifted IQ and make something of my life because of my $10,000 toilet paper degree, and the fact that I'll never have the money to go to a university and get something better. I've never wanted something so bad in my whole life.
I hate my life. If it wasn't for Scott, I don't think I could find one single shred of goodness in it to make it worthwhile. And that pisses me off, too, because I really have nothing to offer him...I'm smart, and I have so much potential but I can't see a way to feasably get there. I'm gonna be stuck working 20k jobs and struggling for my entire life. He's brilliant and has the world at his fingertips...he's going to go places that I'll never get. I sometimes wonder what he sees in me.
I won't question it. I'm glad I have him. I don't know what I would do if I didn't...
And that's it for today. My philosophy on life, truly is...life sucks, and then you die. And right now, that doesn't scare me anymore.
Quotable Quote: "I'm never as good as when you're there, and I can see your eyes and the way you see me..." -Russell Hammond in "Almost Famous"
I just got back from Connecticut last night. Ahh, I had such a wonderful time being there. I never wanted to leave. I wanted to see snow. It snowed half an hour after I left. Go figure. I also wanted to bring Scottie with me, but I couldn't. I can't ever seem to get what I want in life. (This is me whining.)
We never got to wrestle while I was there, it was so cold that the camera and the stereo didn't work. It was really pretty out though, very, very cold, and we got a pretty nice snow flurry. Nothing major, most of it melted before it hit the ground, but it was still pretty cool to see since I had never experienced that before. It just didn't snow really hard, like where I could build snowmen and snowballs and go roll around in the white fluffy stuff and get all wet and snow covered.
I had a great time while I was there. On Saturday night, the 29th, Scott and his family gave me Christmas presents, so it was like Christmas all over again. They're all too good to me! Scott gave me this gorgeous necklace that I absolutly adore, I think it's the prettiest thing in the world. And a really cool Incubus T-Shirt. And a NY Yankees hat and Bernie Williams Jersey! And a gigantic talking Eeyore that is just absolutely darling. And the new Rob Zombie CD, which rocks, and Final Fantasy X for PS2, which I played a whole bunch of while I was there. And a really cute photo frame that says "you are my everything", that I just need a picture of us to put in, and he got me cute and sexy underwear...hehe...and a Spongebob doll, and some really great smelling stuff from Bath and Body Works, and a little Eeyore in a tigger suit. I swear, FFX is the greatest video game ever created. And his parents got me a CD-R drive, which I've been wanting, and that was really nice. And his parents and sisters got me some cute candles, and a kitty cat windchime, and a calendar, and some pretty angels, and a little angel book and cat book, and a new Charming Tails figurine. They are all way too good to me.
This New Year's Eve/Day was much better than last year. Scottie and I stayed up and watched the WWF Top Ten matches of 2001 and then watched the ball drop with his family. I've been racking my brain trying to think of resolutions, and I think I finally came up with a few...after much deliberation, of course.
Resolutions:
I figure I'm doing pretty good to leave it at ten. I made three resolutions last year and accomplished two. I think that was doing pretty good!
I haven't worked on my story since I got back. I need to re-do chapter three and start on chapter four.
That's it for today! Triple H comes back tonight on WWF Raw!! Woo-hoo!
Oh jeez, am I still talking?: ...a decade ago, I never thought I would be at 23 on the verge of spontaneous combustion...
So, another boring Saturday at work.
Thank goodness, I finally did my Christmas shopping last night. What a task it was, but I was so glad to actually be able to do it. It made me feel very happy to buy gifts for everyone, which was something I didn't think I would be able to do this year. All of the gifts are small, little things, but things I think that my friends and family would like.
It's been hard to get into the Christmas spirit this year. So much has gone wrong in the past few months that I'm still in the "bounce-back" process. I still can't believe Scottie is gone. Well not really gone, but so far away. I can't wait to see him in a week.
I heard a song I really like..."Mourning" by Tantric. You've gotta read these lyrics...
Is there something that you're trying to say?
In the mourning I can see the sights
Wishing all the best for you
In the mourning I can see the sights
Then you conned me into thinking that
In the mourning I can see the sights
I get to wrestle as Miss Angelica at BWF next weekend. It's going to be SO very cold. It got down to 47 here last night and I thought that was cold, I can't imagine a day with highs in the 30s! Silly me, to think I could ever leave Florida and the gorgeous weather...which, by the way, was still in the 80s until last week. Four days ago I was wearing a tank top and shorts. In the middle of December.
My new diet is working well, by the way. Ten pounds go, twenty to go.
I'm trying to decide still, what to do as far as college goes. I already know that going back to finish my associate of science degree this semester is out of the question, financially, and the timing is all off anyway. I sat down and gave it some serious thought last night. I don't think I'll ever be able to do what I want to do. I want to get my bachelor's degree in computer programming, and possibly go on to a master's degree that focuses on game programming or management of information systems (a.k.a. website management/database management). But all of that will take so much time and money, neither of which I have. I live on my own. I have to work full time to pay rent. There's simply no way I can afford tuition, books, rent, utilities, etc., work full time, and go to school all at once. It would kill me, probably, unless I found a job as cool as this where I could go to school and work at the same time. But I don't think I could go to school and work full-time here, because of the varying schedule. Where else could I though? A friend of mine suggested to me the other day that I could just finish my associates degree and then get my Java, A+ and MCSE certifications, because that will get my foot in the door, but what good will that do? It's been almost three years since I had a programming class. I've forgotten everything. And I want more for myself than that anyway. I'm so smart, and I feel like parts of my brain are dying because I'm not feeding them with knowledge, kind of like how your muscles lose their strength and volume if you don't use them. Sometimes when I talk, I sound stupid to myself. It has never been this way before. The one thing I used to pride myself on was being intellegent. Taking out student loans is not an option, I decided. I've been in debt way too long as it is now and I hate the feeling of owing money. I don't know about scholarships, either. I guess it will all eventually come together.
I did a lot of philosophical thinking about life. I imagined, for a moment, what I would think, should I come down with a terminal illness. What would I want to do before I die? And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there's nothing that I would want to do. I haven't done anything as of yet in my 21-and-a-half years of existence, and I really have no driving passion to accomplish anything else that would matter in the last few months of my boring existence. I have dreams, of course - I want to go to school again, as I mentioned before, and I want to get married, to Scott, of course, and I want to have children one day, and retire, and travel to exotic places. But I'm sure if I was going to only have six months left, all of those things wouldn't matter. It kind of made me realize that there's really nothing in life that is important, except to be happy and enjoy it. As long as I can look back, in my last few hours, and reflect on happiness, that's all I would care about. I hate thinking about these things. They're frightening and depressing, and nobody really knows the answer.
I guess that's it for today. I'm brain-dead, at work, and bored. And I need a nap. And I wish Scottie was here, or at least on line, because I miss him so much and I want to talk to him.
Quote me on THIS one: If something is NEW and IMPROVED, which is it? If it's NEW, it never existed before, and therefore could not be improved, but if it's IMPROVED, it can't be new because, by definition, it existed before and has only been modified!
1-10-02, Thursday - ...you look amazing, there, stuck between me and the moon...
1-7-02, Monday - It'll never snow in Florida.
12-22-01, Saturday - What's the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale? A Northern fairy tale starts out with "Once Upon A Time...", a Southern fairy tale starts out with "Y'all won't believe this shit..."
Don't hold back now...
It's been a long time since I felt this way,
so don't hold back now...
I purposely forgot about loving anyone,
'cause I'm the only one who has been stepped upon
Is there something that you're trying to say?
'cause I can take it,
'cause I grew up a man this way,
and if I'm hurt I'll shake it...
I'll crawl back into my cave,
that's how I'll make it...
'cause out of all this hurt we have beauty...
thus become...beauty thus become...
No wonder I could never keep you satisfied
In the morning I can see inside
myself and all the things that you were trying to hide...
And now I will say goodbye
'cause all the lies that we've been through
Put wisdom in my eyes
So walk way, don't turn around
'cause I won't be standing here,
'cause all the lies that I've been living through
are becoming very clear...
and beauty thus become...beauty thus become...
No wonder I could never keep you satisfied
In the morning I can see inside
myself and all the things that you were trying to hide...
All I had was you...
The small insinuations were cutting me through...
Cutting me through...
And now I stand alone here,
Stronger than before,
And I'll never go back...never go back...never go...
No wonder I could never keep you satisfied
In the morning I can see inside
myself and all the things that you were trying to hide...
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