CHAPTER TWO

Angela gave up on love. She wanted nothing to do with it. She wrote love off as being just a conglomeration of chemical and electrical impulses in the brain, and she was glad that she was able to turn off her sensitivity to them, kind of the same way you can dull a pain by focusing on something distant and painless.

She and Derrick had tried the friendship thing, for a few weeks, but it wasn’t working out. She was over him, over being friends with him. She had thought he would make a better friend than boyfriend, but she was wrong. It didn’t hurt her to see him. She truly felt nothing for him, except bitterness and anger. Even as friends, he still tried to control her, make her into his slave, even as he was dating other girls. She didn’t care that he was moving on, she was glad. She had moved on, but refused to allow herself to become close with anyone.

That wasn’t entirely true. She had made a few friends since she had left Derrick, which further proved her point that being alone was much better than hanging onto him. Matt had thrown her a congratulation party a few days after the breakup. She and Matt had become close friends, but, despite his advances, she had no intention of becoming involved with him. She had made friends with a wonderful girl named Rebecca, whom she had met through Matt at the party. She and Matt were spending a lot of time together so that she wouldn’t have to be home, downstairs from him, being spied on and feeling uncomfortable.

One Sunday night, when she didn’t have to work the next morning, she and Rebecca, along with their friends Jake and his girlfriend, Tracy, stayed over at Matt’s house for a pretty nice party. After everyone had fallen asleep, she and Jake were still awake. Jake called her out onto the front patio.

“I know you know how Matt feels about you, and I also know that you don’t feel the same for him. I also know you’re not ready for a relationship yet, and Matt was coming on pretty strong tonight. I took him aside and tried to explain it to him…I mean, of course he’s going to be attracted to a beautiful girl like you, both you and Rebecca have got to be the most beautiful girls I’ve ever met, next to Tracy of course. But he’s got to relax and everything, I mean…I know you’ll never want to be with him, but have you told him that?” Jake asked, finally getting to the point. It was late, and neither of them were thinking very clearly.

“I haven’t told him, but I haven’t given him any indication that I would be interested.” She said.

“Well, like I said, I talked with him about it…maybe he’ll cut back on it.” Jake said.

They both went back inside, and fell asleep on the floor. Plagued by sickness and her emotions and dreading returning to her own home, where she felt like an alien, she stayed at Matt’s until well into the next evening, well after Jake, Tracy and Rebecca had gone home. She laid on Matt’s black leather sofa with a blanket, and he cooked dinner for her. They sat and watched a few movies, and about 7:00 that evening, they went outside, because Matt wanted to talk to her.

“You still seem troubled, Angela.” Matt said.

“Well, I have reason to be. I’m going to be twenty-one in a few months, and I haven’t gotten anywhere in my life. I’ve gave up everything for a boy who I didn’t love, never loved, never could have loved, who treated me poorly and took it all and left me standing here alone. Prior to that, I gave everything I had, emotionally, to a boy who disappeared, who didn’t even respect me enough to give me a dignified break up, or any closure on the three years I spent on him. I don’t think after this, I can ever open my heart again. It’s always been me giving and giving until I have nothing left, and then being left to try and salvage the wreckage of my heart.” Angela replied, hoping, although all the words were true, Matt would understand that she wasn’t interested in starting anything with him.

“I know you feel that way now. And then one day, a boy will come along and sweep you off your feet. And it’ll be the same endless circle once again. You’ll wind up alone. And I’ll still be standing here, because there’s no way that I could ever turn away. I’ll watch this happen, again and again. You’ve got to be the one to break the cycle.” He said, not making much sense to her at all.

They went back and forth, about how she’d never let herself be that vulnerable again, and Matt trying to make himself look appealing to her. Eventually, they went back inside, watched another movie, and then she helped him clean up the mess from the party the night before, and, about midnight, she went home. When she got there, sure enough, Derrick was waiting outside.

“Derrick, go back inside!” She said harshly, walking past the stairs to go inside. He ran down the stairs and grabbed her arm.

“Where have you been for the past forty-eight hours?” He asked, angrily.

“It’s none of your business, this is my life! We’re over! I don’t ask you where you go!” She replied, sick of his constant stalking and interrogation.

“You were at Matt’s house.” He said, giving her his disapproving look, shaking his head, and turning to walk away. She hated that disapproving look; it felt like a knife cutting right through her. She’d already spent so much time dealing with his disapproving looks, that, instead of walking away, she reacted very suddenly.

“So what if I was!” she shouted after him. He turned around, violently.

“You know I don’t want you to be friends with him! You’ll tell him things about me. He’ll come after me and slash the tires on my car or something, the little psychopath…both of you…psychopaths!” Derrick said, unveiling his typical paranoid attitude.

“You’re so…so…typically you! And I hate it, Derrick, and I hate you!” She shouted, and grabbed for the door handle. He started after her, grabbed the door, and followed her inside.

“Don’t ever, ever yell at me like that again in public!” He said, quietly, but harshly.

“Get out of my apartment! Now!” She yelled, disregarding his previous comment.

“No! I’m not leaving until you tell me where you were, and what you were doing!” He yelled back. She became infuriated. He not only was invading her home, but now he was invading her personal space as well. He was grabbing on to her arm, holding it tightly and causing her pain. She winced.

“I’m going to tell you one more time, leave, or I will find someone authorized to remove you from the premises in a white car with blue and red lights on top.” She said, this time in a quieter voice. He slapped her across the face, hard, leaving her cheek red and burning.

“Don’t ever threaten me like that, Angela.” He said, angry at her threat.