12-16-01, Sunday - ...i haven't felt the way i feel today in so long...it's hard for me to specify...
hey
hey you know they're all the same
it just takes some time
do your best
I think that's my theme song right now...
More later...
12-12-01, Wednesday - ...you don't put olympic heros through tables...you just don't!
What a boring few days it's been. Scott's been gone for a week now. Things are starting to fall back into a routine, even though I still miss him terribly, terribly much.
I go the long way to work usually in the morning these days just so that I can listen to the radio. It's a good start to the day to get to hear some kick ass tunes, chill out in the car, collect my thoughts, get over whatever bizzare dream I had the night before...
I had a bizarre dream last night. I dreamed that I was watching helplessly through a window while Cameron Manheim was puking blood. But it wasn't really Cameron Manheim. It was my cat. But it was a human manifestation of her. It was one seriously disgusting and messed up dream. I wonder what it means... (probably that I watch too much E.R.!)
Work is still going well. I'm still happy. It's a record - working a job for a month and not totally hating it. I like it more and more all the time. I'm going to see Scott for New Years! I'm leaving the 29th and I'll be there until the 6th. I'm excited...
I also get to wrestle when I get there! I'm so excited...I was so unsure about it because I hate messing up and looking retarded, but I think it will be okay...'cause I won't have to do much this time. I just need to take the next couple weeks to get in shape so I can be TUFF!!
That's enough for now. It's really been a boring week.
Retarded Rambling for the day: If you can't compare apples and oranges, can birds fly out of helicopters?
12-7-01, Friday - ...a decade ago I never thought I would be at twenty-three on the verge of spontaneous combustion...woe-is-me...but I guess that it comes with the territory; an ominous landscape of never-ending calamity...
I have a secret.
And I'm not telling you, or anyone else.
I had an epiphany today. Things really aren't how they seem. In fact, a lot of times the way you think things really are, they're the exact opposite. The people you trust most are the ones who betray you, and your most suspicious companion is the one you can put the most confidence in. The people who you think love you really don't and the ones you think hate you have the utmost regard for you. When things seem good, they really suck, and when things seem bad, they're really good. Kind of like that whole 1980's-era lingo...bad means good...yeah. You get the idea.
Damn, I need a counselor. Or therapist. Or something.
Girls brains are weird. We twist and convolute everything until nothing makes sense. Well nothing makes sense to me right now. There's an empty apartment, empty bed, empty everything and I can't feel anything. Empty feelings. Empty hopes. Empty dreams. The realization that I may never be anyone's "one-and-only" (in my sense of the words) and the accompanying realization that I will always give more love than I receive, because, if nothing else, love runs deeper in me than normal. Sometimes, it's all I feel. Kind of like in American Beauty..."there's so much beauty in the world...sometimes...I just can't take it..."...you know, that whole scene where they're watching the video of the plastic bag. I feel so much and have so much to give and up until this point I've never realized how unfair that is until now, because I will always want for something that's impossible to have. I'm so intense that I scare myself.
Then again, I've already got everything I want. As I said, girls brains are weird.
I've also come to the stunning realization that I can go anywhere and do anything and that's what I have to look forward to. University of Bridgeport is looking really good right now. So is a bowl of ramen noodle soup. I've put so many limitations on myself though, and I'm so critical of myself too. I wish I was smarter. I wish I could lose 25lbs. I wish my legs were longer. I wish I could develop some semblance of common sense. I wish for a lot of the impossible.
Yankees traded David Justice today.
I've got a lot to look forward to this weekend. Working 12 hours tomorrow. Vengeance on Sunday. Hanging out with Cara. I still think she's one of the most down-to-earth and nice people to hang out with. Both she and Rachy are awesome. And Cindi, Cara's roommate, is awesome too. I'm starting to make really good friends. It's gonna make it really hard to leave, if I decide to.
Can't wait to see how this secret develops. God, I wish I could tell someone.
Conspicuous commentary: "Hello! I have absolutely nothing to say to you!" - George Carlin
12-6-01, Thursday - ...I walk in the air between the rain, through myself and back again...where?...I don't know...
Scott left yesterday. He got home safely. He seems happy, and that makes me happy too.
I haven't written in a week. Haven't had much to say. It's been kinda busy, but uneventful at the same time. Living alone again is very awkward. I've been doing silly things to keep myself busy. I reformatted my computer's hard drive and re-installed everything last night. I hung my clothes back up in the empty half of the closet. I moved my videos from the bedroom out into the living room. It's so quiet without him there. It's like a huge "vacancy" sign hangs in the air, every where I look, every sound I hear...just screams out..."vacancy"...but it's alright...we'll make it through. As I told him in the email I sent to him yesterday...he and I have been to hell and back together and every time it just makes us stronger. Things that tear most couples to pieces just bond us even closer. We're good like that.
This is deferred gratification at it's finest. Relinquish that which you love and desire now to have something more grandiose in the future.
I'm going to have a busy evening tonight. After re-formatting the hard drive, I had to download all of my songs again. So I just started downloading hoardes of songs. So now I have to sort through them. I have close to 1,700 songs with 400 in queue to download still. And I have to go to the post office. And it's E.R./WWF Smackdown night. And I still have to find time to talk to Scott this evening...because that's what I love to do most.
I hate it when girls who are skinny say they're fat. (Random quote)
This weekend is WWF Vengeance! Woo-hoo! I'm looking forward to that. The return of HHH...maybe we won't see Vince's ass...maybe we will...tonight will be the deciding factor for several things for the PPV, even though I know that even Vince doesn't kiss the Rock's ass, the main event won't change because they've already recorded the commercials and promoted the hell out of it.
The Yankees signed Jason Giambi today. Yippee!
Alright, so that's it for today, mainly because I've run out of stuff to say, and secondly, I'm off work soon. Plus if I keep writing massive diary entries, I will have to catalog the entries on a daily basis!!
Daily pointless comment: ...one by one...the penguins steal my sanity...
Scott's leaving. And there's nothing I can do about it.
Yes, welcome to my life. Just as everything doesn't seem like it could get any worse...it does. I know why he's going. I don't even blame him. I'm not even angry at him. I'm just going to miss him.
At least I still have my job. And at least I'll still have him, even if he's a million miles away.
I looked into colleges today. I can't wait to finish my degree at Valencia. I'm very interested in University of Bridgeport right now. They seem to have an even better computer science program than UCF. It's a little more expensive. But it's also a chance for me to go see the world. I feel like I'm 17 again.
I'm out of interesting things to say today.
Useless Banter of the Day: Never put all your eggs in one basket. You never know when one might hatch.
don't write yourself off yet
it's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on
just try your best
try everything you can
and don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away
you know you're doing better on your own so don't buy in
live right now
just be yourself
it doesn't matter if that's good enough for someone else
little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
everything everything will be just fine
everything everything will be all right
do everything you can
don't you worry what their bitter hearts are going to say
11-29-01, Thursday - It's just one of those days where you don't wanna wake up...everything's fucked, everybody sucks...you don't really know why, but you wanna justify ripping someone's head off...(Limp Bizkit...I usually hate them...but that is the theme of the day...)