11/21/2001, Wednesday I've learned three lessons this week. Things I probably should have learned before by this ripe old age (...haha...) I want to share those lessons with everyone.
......So I'm driving home from work. And I see this poor desperate soul stuck in the breakdown lane who wants to get in. He had an Ohio license plate so I knew he was out of state and maybe he was lost. So, being the nice person that I am, I slowed down and let him get in front of me. So I'm driving down Alafaya Trail, and FINALLY, after 45 minutes in my car, and waiting and waiting to get into the teeny tiny turn lane that I needed to get into to get home...I finally get there. And this guy is still in front of me, and he gets in the turn lane in front of me. So, FINALLY, my turn left light turns green! And I'm like...all excited because finally, I'll be off of this narrow, over crowded two lane road that's not getting me anywhere, and about five minutes from home. I'm three cars back from the light...there's a white Nissan Sentra at the front, followed by a green Toyota Camry, then this grey Chevrolet from Ohio in front of me...then, right as the light turns green, this out-of-state moron that I was nice to decides that he wants to go straight instead of turning! And he blocks the whole turn lane because he can't switch lanes! And so I miss my light, and have to wait like, another 10 minutes because left turn lights are few and far between, and I'm just livid at this point. Thus, proving my point...being nice...got me nowhere fast.
.......I just got a new job. I love it. I've been working here for two weeks now, and it's about the coolest thing I've ever done in my whole life. I work for Full Sail, a private technical college in Winter Park. All I do all day is sit in a room that's painted black and work as a chat room adminstrator, answering questions for prospective and current students. Although my schedule is rotational, however, the only thing that's not cool about it is working 9-5, and having to fight rush hour traffic. I think something happens to a person's mentality between 4:59pm and 5:00pm. Once they get in their car, it's like they won't let anything get between them and home. That point is clearly demonstrated by my previous rant. I think there should be a new law passed, that should give companies a numbering system, and anyone who plans to let their employees out at 5:00 should let them out at different five minute increments. Or something like that. Like companies A-H let their people out at 5:00, I-O at 5:05, P-V at 5:10, and W-Z at 5:15. The result would be the same, people would still get home around the same time anyway! But then there would be less traffic, less frustration, fewer accidents, and fewer incidents of road rage!
........So this year, I was out of work for three months. I worked a really low paying job for the first two and a half months of the year. I moved. I had a lot of stuff happen. So it finally gets to the Christmas season, and I'm broke. And it's almost Thanksgiving and all you hear everywhere is Christmas music and commercials suggesting Christmas gifts. I'm BROKE! How am I supposed to be happy when I can't buy stuff for my friends and family, especially knowing the disspointment that it's going to bring to them? I mean, sure my friends and family aren't superficial nor are they materialistic but it is the #1 gift giving season of the year. And, damnit, I'm a very giving person. Yeah, so money may not buy happiness, but when you don't have any money, especially a going into the holidays when you need it the most, the world sure doesn't seem as bright as it should.
Comment for the day/week/until I decide to write another entry:
Here's going to be a whole entry of just crazy rambling thoughts. And for some reason, I have a lot of them tonight.
First and foremost, I guess this is kind of an extention of yesterday's entry, since it's 2am and I haven't been to sleep yet. It doesn't even feel like a new day. But technically, it is. And I wrote that last entry at work, yesterday! Bear with my not making sense...I am going on 20 hours without sleep now.
Cara is one of the nicest people I know. Seriously. I'll miss her if she moves to Boston, even though I will be happy for her. She deserves all the best.
I woke up with a terrible headache. And just as terrible headaches come and go, as soon as they go, my mood seems to change dramatically. I spent days, and days, and days and days and days and days and days sitting around feeling really depressed and hopeless. And mad at the world, because everywhere I go I see people who are successful, and I am stuck in a rut. Not that I haven't had any success, because I certainly have. I just landed this awesome job at Full Sail, as I mentioned above. After six months of wasted time at Sprint. *shivering quivering fear of memories* Six months preceded by countless years spent at shit-paying jobs, and six months followed buy three months of unemployment. I got paid today. That was a good thing. Now me and Scott can have a roof over our heads. And maybe I can pay a few bills. Anyway, back to the topic. Headache. Yeah, so I fell asleep in the same old doledrums that I had been in for weeks, woke up, headache and all, took some asprin, went to work, and felt like a new person by the time I got home...
Damn, I feel hyper tonight.
Now that's not necessarily a good thing either. I need to be tied down. I am seriously going insane with things I want to get done before my mood shifts again. I wanna write Scottie's wrestling game for him. (yeah, computer nerdism. I rule.) I want to make the CD that he asked me to make for him. I want to make the Christmas surprise I thought of earlier. I want to write a novel. I want to write 100 poems. I want to write a letter to *HIM* (not Scottie) which will state where I think he should go, and a detailed map of how to get there. ....more on that later... I sat down today and I started to do all of the above, except for the letter because I'm just too damn nice to tell anyone off... and then I couldn't get anything done. I couldn't even begin to get anywhere because my brain just can't handle it all.
The chain of command to the devil, starting from the top: Satan -> Osama Bin Ladin -> Credit card companies -> Sprint -> ex boy-friends named Brian.
About *HIM*. I hate him. I have never hated anyone, because hate is a strong word, but for some reason, I hate him more and more every day. I get sick at the very thought of him. He, of course, not being Scottie, but being my royal asshole ex boyfriend who is the whole reason why I feel conflicted most of the time, because he kept me from expressing myself truly for so long that I don't even know how to anymore, even though I think last night I had a breakthrough because I said a lot of stuff to Scottie that I didn't think I could and it didn't hurt and I wasn't scared...I was proud because I just started talking and it all just kept kind of coming out and I was proud of myself for that because certainly that must mean that I'm getting better about being able to express myself. I never used to be bad at communicating. Not until HE (not Scottie, again! If I had just put his name in here, making these random edits would be easier because I wouldn't have to re-emphasize that point. Just remember from here on out...Scottie is God, Brian is first in command to Satan.) told me that my feelings weren't worth anything. I hate the fact that he made me feel so low and worthless and insignificant for so long that, even though in most senses I am human again, and I have my self esteem back, I still have trouble talking about emotions. I'm afraid feelings, whether good or bad, will make Scottie mad at me, or embarass him, or annoy him, like I always made jerkface angry. I am so damn emotional, but I don't know if anyone but me ever sees it or can tell. Everything goes straight to the heart with me, good or bad. I think my mom said it best one time when she told me...where most people get attached to things, posessions, a piece of clothing, something tangible, I get attached to people and memories instead, the intangible and less superficial. More on this later as well. Anyway, back to the topic. For the longest time, expressing emotions has frightened me so much. Well, nevermind. I take that back. I'm not afraid anymore, at least not to the extent that I was. I told Scott how I felt last night, and those were negative emotions. And today, even though I didn't say it face to face, I told him how I felt again, and they were good feelings. I really can beat this, I think. For the most part, Scottie is patient with me, which is good, even though I know I frustrate him to death sometimes with my inability to communicate. I don't know where I'm going with this paragraph! I guess I will wrap it up like this. I hate ex-boyfriends who use you, take everything from you, leave you emotionally traumatized, and then still expect you to be friends with them. Oh, and if YOU are reading this, and I doubt that you are since you never cared enough to read this webpage before I converted from what it used to be into my own personal site...I will never be able to listen to the Queers in the same way again. And I hate you. And I won't let you ruin anything else for me, especially not THE ONE...which you were not.
Wow. If only I could be mean enough to say some of that to him...but I guess vengeance is pointless.
The only things I have sentimental attachments to are those that remind me of people who were important to me but are now gone from my life, and I don't hate them. Like my little tiny purple teddy bear from Adam, who was my best friend during a time when I needed someone the most, even if he did live a thousand miles away, and made me believe that I was worth being loved when the one I thought I loved dissapeared. (More on that later too, sort of...) And the tape that Greye made for me to help me kill time during the worst summer of my life. And the ceramic angel that Annette gave to me before she moved to New York. And the New Found Glory t-shirt that Scott gave to me so we could both wear NFG shirts to the show last summer and be the world's cutest and most lovey-dovey couple (okay, he's going to be the one person in this list who ISN'T gone, because, of course, everyone in my life leaves eventually, except for him - he's here for the long run). And the best-friend certificate that Melanie made for me in the seventh grade when I didn't make the principal's honor roll that semester and I was sad. And the letters that Ginny and I wrote to each other from sixth grade until our senior year. And all of the letters that Leslie has sent to me since she moved to St. Petersburg in 1994. And my Green Day CDs, because even if I hate David now for being a typical male jerk, he was like a brother to me for almost seven years and, even though I hate to admit it, probably still knows me better than anyone except for Scottie does.
I talked to Rachy tonight. It felt good.
Love is one weird and seriously messed up emotion. It's a good thing that only humans experience it on such a tremendous level as we do, because I think if the lesser species experienced it, their heads would explode. And I would hate to scrape frog brain off my shoes every ten feet. Right now, love is good. I am in love. I am head over heels in love. In fact, I will say right now - this is the only time I have ever been in love. Truly. Honestly. I have never been in love before. Not before March. Not before Scott. It's funny, how love works. For years and years, it teases you. Love says to you...you're in love....wait wait wait...no you're not, it's just puppy love, it's just kiddie love...it's not the real thing. So on and so forth. Those feelings fade. They turn out to be empty and founded on nothing except trying to find out what it is that you want for yourself in life, not even romantically...but just life in general. Throughout your youth, you define yourself through who your friends are, and you try to assemble semblances of relationships with people just to try it out. And that's all that love is. But man, you think it's the real thing, until one day....BAAAAAMMMMMM...it hits you, the earth moves, the mountains fall, the rain falls at the same time the sun is shining with no clouds in the sky and there's a rainbow and that person is your pot of gold at the bottom. And, man, you are never the same, ever ever ever again.
As an elaboration on the previous topic, I believe in soulmates. I have one. I found him. Or did he find me...
I think I have rambled on senselessly here for long enough. It's almost 3:30 now. I should get some sleep. I don't sleep much anymore. When I'm depressed, I toss and turn while I panic over problems that I have no control over, such as terrorists and the Taliban, and money, and being stuck in a rut, and wanting to go back to school, and my endless dreams, and realizing that I am one hell of a smart person stuck in a stupid person's brain...then when I'm manic, I stay up until all hours of the night working on silly stuff such as this.
Scottie went to his grandma and grandpa's house for Thanksgiving tonight after dinner. I miss him.
I can't wait for Friday.
My thought for tonight: Round Here by the Counting Crows is one hell of a kick ass song. I think it may be one of the best ever.
To ammend yesterday's comment about chain of command to Satan, throw the IRS in there somewhere. Doesn't matter where. They're everywhere. Thanks to my co-worker, Andy, for saying that the other day, because it makes perfect sense.
Thanksgiving was today....er....yesterday. It's 3:03 AM. I'm still awake, again, and I still need to go watch WWF Smackdown from earlier tonight, when I was having Thanksgiving dinner at my mommy and daddy's house.
This year, Thanksgiving was good. Better than I had expected. We ate off of the china that my grandma gave to my parents, and I drank ginger ale out of the crystal that my mom bought to match the china a few weeks ago. And I came home with a full tummy, lots of food, and a head full of worry.
See, money is tight. I mentioned that in my entry two days ago. And it's just like a constant numbers game. I can't even believe how messed up everything has gotten, and it's all because of money. Everything in this world is about money. It's omnipresent. You can't do anything that doesn't cost money. You can't even breathe. I figure it this way - to breathe, you have to be alive. To be alive, you have to eat. To eat, you have to buy food. Just the basics like that, you wind up having to spend money just to have a heartbeat and air in your lungs.
By the way, Eeyore really freaking rules.
Anyway, I'm not going to worry about that anymore tonight. I've spent way too much time today thinking about it. I want to talk about another interesting and happier realization that I made today. I missed Scott today, and it was a good thing, even though it made me kind of sad. I love him so much when he's around. He's the first person that I can honestly say I could be locked in a car with for eighteen hours and never get annoyed. But, as I said yesterday, he went to his grandparents' house for Thanksgiving. And I was glad that he got time to spend with his family. But I was shocked at how much I missed him. And it's not the "Oh my god he's gonna be gone for so long" desperate kind of missing him, like it used to be when he was living in Connecticut and I was stuck here in Florida. It was kind of my chance to see just how wonderful it is to have him here. Even when things suck as horribly as they have lately, with money, and struggling, and the possibility of not having a Christmas, having him around brings me immense comfort. If I have nothing else in the whole world, if I lost everything I've worked for my whole life, if the sun never came out again, if the stars never shined in the night sky, it would be okay as long as I could hold his hand or see him smile. He's more important to me than any of those things. I hope he knows all of this...I'm sure he does. I'm sure he knows I'm crazy in love with him. And having a chance to miss him really shocked me back into knowing just how deep that love goes, even though I already knew I was consumed by it. But damn, I missed him today. I wish I had more to say about it. I'm so tired and feeling lethargic that I just can't express myself, even though last night I said I was getting better about that, too. In fact, I am. I think Scott's healing me of not being able to communicate. And maybe him not being here is having an effect on the healing process. Oh, no, it's Scottie withdrawl. Okay now I'm just being goofy.
Call it forever...knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love...
Alright so today I am going to cut it short. Maybe I will append it later on, after I've slept and everything. I need sleep.
Tonight's foggy headed thought: "Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly." - Baz Luhrman.
To keep things interesting, I didn't write anything down for a few days. Mainly because I was busy. And lazy as well.
My job still rules. I'm at work right now. I'm off in just about 50 minutes. I'm just chillin, listening to music, I've been playing games and looking into scholarships all day. I want to go back to school so very badly. I just need that last accounting class...if only I hadn't missed that day of the final exam, I wouldn't have to take it over again, and I'd have my degree and life wouldn't be so confusing.
Still have no money. Still have lots of people who want money from me. Does it ever get any better than this?
I wish I could do a lot of things that I can't right now. I wish I could be worry free. I wish I could be 21, and be in college, and have lots of friends, and wrestle with Scott on the weekends. I read some old letters that my friends and I wrote back and forth to each other in middle and high school. It felt good. It reminded me of when the world was at my fingertips and all I had were dreams ahead of me. Now all I have are chewed off fingernails on my fingertips and dreams behind me that I just kind of jumped over or forgot about.
I'll say this again...does it ever get any better than this?
On that same note, life is really driving me up a wall right now. It's almost the first of December. This year has gone by really, really, really fast. It seems like I blinked and it was over. I'm already starting to reflect on everything that has gone down in the span of the past twelve months. Twelve months ago being last November right now, anyway. All that's happened...the whole Drew/David fiasco...the culmination of all of my frustrations with Brian...finally walking out on a life and a person I knew were wrong for me and causing me more harm than good...meeting Scott...falling in love for the first time...visiting Scott up north, having him visit me here...working at Sprint...hating it and quitting...Scott moving in...getting this awesome job...I'm trying to focus on the positive here. I've left out a lot of the negative things that have happened, aside from the Drew/David fiasco, which in itself, wasn't necessarily a bad thing since I learned a whole lot about myself in the span of three weeks, even if it wasn't all good stuff...
I'm listening to the Misfits right now. I can't believe it's been almost ten years since I bought my first Misfits album. I'm starting to feel old.
"Should I stay or should I go?" - That quote from the Clash pretty well summarizes my life right now. I feel so indecisive. I've got pretty much nowhere to go where I am now. But I have opportunities if I could just give up and go up north with Scott, even if it wasn't forever, even if we just stayed there for a few years, and went to school. We'd both have jobs, and money, and I wouldn't have to see him looking sad every day when I come home from work. We wouldn't have to struggle. But I still have that accounting class...and I can't afford school right now, even though I've been looking into scholarships. I could get mine reinstated probably, but it only covers Florida schools. And my parents would be really upset if I left. By reading this, it looks like going has more pros than cons, and staying has more cons than pros. But I'm stubborn, and I like doing things the hard way sometimes I think. Or maybe all the time. *sigh* Who knows? I told Scott last night that I wanted to stay here for my parents, and he made a good point...yes I have to do what's right for my family, but I also have to do what's right for our family, even if we're not married...we will be someday. And I also have to do what's right for me. Doing what's right for someone else and what's wrong for me is how I got myself into these terribly worn out shoes. I'm not happy with anything anymore, and that scares me. I'm only 21 years old - 22 in just over six months. I'm not old, and yet I live like I'm 50 years old. And worse, I live like I'm a grumpy 50 year old man. Even though I'm a girl. I just hope my sadness and frustration doesn't show as much on the outside as I feel it on the inside. And another thing - what about my lease? I already burned my bridges once with Boardwalk, and my credit stinks right now. How would I ever find another place to live if I broke my lease now? And I've worked so hard to establish myself and my residence here...oh, man...so confusing...
I love Alien Ant Farm. I wonder if Dryden still loves me too...
I think that's enough whining from me for now. Nobody ever reads this stuff anyway. I think it's all just good therapy. Maybe next time I add onto this webpage, there will be something happy to say. I hope.
Whine of the day:"I wish I could know of the direction that I take...and the choices that I make...will all be for nothing...show me what it's for...make me understand it...I've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answers...is there something more than what I've been handed...I've been crawling in the dark, looking for the answers...will i ever get to see the ending to my story?" -paraphrased from "Crawling in the Dark" by Hoobastank, might not be word for word because I deciphered it myself.
WWF Smackdown: Just Bring It! for Playstation 2 rules. Too bad I suck at video games.
11-22-01 - Thursday (HAPPY THANKSGIVING!) - Sheer Madness!
See, here's how I figure this. I thought I was in love once. When I was 16, I had a best friend named Eric. We were best friends for like...a pretty good amount of time...like 6 months...that's a long time in terms of friendship for me since most of my friends have gotten up and moved right about the time I start to get close to them. Anyway, we "fell in love" so to speak. And we were together for almost three years! And then he dissapeared for about six months, and I ran into him on the street one day after those six months, and we broke up, and it was kind of odd because it didn't even hurt. (YES - I waited six months and never heard from him, and still remained 99.9% faithful, and it's only 99.9% faithful because while he was missing I told a boy I thought he was cute.) It was a shock, yes, but hurt...? Well, maybe it hurt a little. Okay well it hurt a lot. And yeah I cried. And I felt sorry for myself for a really, really long time, probably up until January of this year. (And this all ended in November of 1999!) But not because the person I loved was gone. It hurt that I lost my best friend.
Why? Because I never really loved him. See, I "loved" him because I WANTED to be loved. Not because I wanted to love someone. I wanted to know if I was worth being loved. That's not real love! That's greedy self pity stupidity. And a waste of time. That's my point, exactly. People always say...wow, three years, there must have been something to the relationship. Nope. Nothing except me trying to figure out what love was. And nothing but me wanting to be loved. And me trying to figure out what I want in a person. See, he's so far out of my life now, I can't even begin to explain. He lives in Brooklyn now! And I don't care! I don't hate him but I just don't feel anything at all for him either. And that's what proves my point as well. It wasn't love, because if it was, I would still feel something.
Love is God's most confusing creation. I've watched my male friends chasing love. It's like..."Me see hot girl. Hot girl talk to me. Me in love with hot girl. Me can't live without hot girl." then "Hot girl leaves me. Cry. Cry. Cry. Ooh. New hot girl. Hot girl talk to me. Hot girl like me! Me in love with hot girl!" Boys fall in love so easy. Sooooo easy. If any girl is reading this and wants a boy to fall in love with her, here's the secret. Make sure he's single. Plan a date. Wear your CUTEST outfit that's slightly sexy but not revealing. Put on just a LITTLE makeup, not enough to notice. Comb your hair. Touch his arm. Laugh at his jokes. Talk, a lot, about things that seem like they're really deep, but they're really not. Say something like "Ahh, how bright the stars seem tonight." BOY WILL MELT. Instant boy soup recepie. You know, you could probably take out the cute clothes, makeup, combed hair, and just touch his arm, laugh, and say the stars thing, and he'll still melt.
Girls are MUCH different when it comes to love. A boy has to knock our socks off, literally, for us to fall in love. We need to be CHERISHED. We need to feel IMPORTANT. We need to feel like we are above everything else. And most of all, we need a boy to seem tortured. Admit it, girls. The more tortured a boy seems, the more it pulls on our motherly instincts. He needs to be tortured, but strong at the same time, so that we can cry over the petty things that we do once a month when the moon is right, and they can say all the right things.
Okay, I am being stereotypical now, and rambling, and getting off topic. Summary. LOVE. IS WEIRD. As I said before, I thought once that I was in love. I WAS WRONG. I WAS SO VERY WRONG. I know, because I am really in love this time. It's not the "I want to be loved" kind of love. It's the selfless "I want to give my love to someone and share my life and all of my worldly posessions with him" love. But not just someone. HIM. The ONE. For me, that just happens to be Scottie. We have been together for almost 8 months now. ALMOST EIGHT MONTHS! It's crazy. And every day I wake up, see him next to me, and I fall even MORE in love. I see our future, not just mine. I see our house and our children and our grandchildren. I see us sitting on a swing on a patio at 90 years old and being together and happy, even if we are 90 and have to wear Depends. (The opinions expressed on this website are, in no way, affiliated with Depends, inc. and should be regarded as intellectual property of the owner of this website.) He's the first person I've ever seen a future with. He's the only person I've ever wanted to give everything to so much that it makes me cry when there's something that I can't. I truly feel all of that. The moment I met him, that's when the earth moved for me and the mountains fell and the rain fell from a cloudless sunny sky and I found my pot of gold at the end of my rainbow (paraphrased from earlier!). So, Scott, if you ever do read through all this endless rambling...I LOVE you. And in the real sense of the word. And if all the shit I had to go through, with Eric, with Brian, with anyone else, was what I had to go through to get to you and be able to appreciate you for everything that you are, and you are EVERYTHING, I wouldn't trade it for anything. Until now, I never loved someone so much that it made me cry. But now I do.
11-23-2001, Friday - Absence does, in fact, make the heart grow fonder!
11-28-01, Wednesday - What do you do when life is really confusing??
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