My mom dragged me home a man
from her stay in the loony bin.
"He's already half in love with you," she said.
"He carried your picture everywhere he went."
Did I mention he hears voices? A relevant note,
you might think, but you don't know my mom.
(Well, you might--she's pretty famous with certain sorts.
She was on the radio once for throwing
the Incredible Hulk out of Tee Jaye's on Halloween.
When the D.J. called, she thought it was a joke.
She hung up and went back to sleep.)
"We'll have a baby by Thanksgiving!" she whispered
conspiratorally to me (although his hearing wasn't
really the best--the voices, you know).
"Do you think it's a good idea
for me to breed with a schizophrenic?" I asked.
"Oh, what the fuck!" she laughed. "Don't you think he's cute?"
My resistance was worn down. I'd had that manic bat
in my house for a month
before she signed herself in somewhere,
and even then they only kept her a week.
During my time off, I dosed her sick and stinking cat
with antibiotics three times a day.
(They let the cat run away.)
"Why haven't you cleaned?" she demanded.
"I can see I've got my work cut out.
Why didn't you buy me a mop I can use?
Did you water my plants when I was gone?"
So, somehow, she convinced me
to let him move in. I don't know what I was thinking.
I was barring my bedroom door and sleeping
any chance I got. One crazy person, or two,
in your home? To tell the truth,
it's pretty much the same.
The family would have had fits if they'd have known.
Also to tell the truth, Shane, the schizophrenic,
didn't want any part of me. "Are you crazy?"
he asked. "My mother thinks you like me,"
I told him. "That speaks for itself," he said.
And, besides, he was too busy with his new job,
the job he got after bugging the temp agency lady
incessantly for a week (the good thing about manics
is they manage to get things DONE).
One day when they breezed in, my mom
was full of her usual:
"We ate at IHOP,
then we went to Smith's, and they had those flowers
you know I like on sale. Can we buy them
when you get your check, or on Saturday,
after you get off work? I didn't have enough money left
after I bought fifteen cans of cat food
and two loaves of bread, some taco seasoning
and a bag of potatoes for tomorrow.
Well...we need it. I'm not buying anything we don't need.
You know I wouldn't waste your money that way. Oh,
and I saw a pinata I want to take back to Ohio for Christine,
and look, here are some animals I won out of the machine.
I thought you could put them in the window. Shane got a job
as a blue crayon at Michael's and I have to take him to work...."
"How much do crayons get paid?" I interrupted.
"Eight bucks!" Shane said.
It reminds me of Chris, who said he never got enough absurdity in his life.