For J. as always, you are in my heart. 

• LILACS NEVER BLOOM IN JANUARY
• Lasting Impressions

Kate, 
I know that you don't understand and right now there is no
way to explain these things to you. I have decided that this 
is to be yours and perhaps then you will accept my choices and
forgive me. Remember, I love you! I could have never ever asked
for a better friend.  Happy Hunting.
Randi

April 17
  Today is sunny and bright, warm for April, almost eighty! 
I got up and decided to take a walk to watch the sunrise 
over the water. I really can't recall ever seeing such beauty. 
  Now, when I look around I swear that I can see the grass growing!
When I see the children in the neighborhood playing, their laughter 
is so sweet and carefree, not haunted like the adults. Inviting, 
perhaps is a better word. They seem so innocent and they 
love so unconditionally. 
  I sit and watch, wonder what life and society is 
going to do to them. Who will slip through the cracks? Who will be 
true to self and those surrounding? Any of them? I am so jealous,
they take their lives for granted. I can't. Whatever happened to me? 
I was lost I suppose.

  While I was walking home the sun was beating down on me, it was 
warming from the inside out. There is way too much merit to be ignored
in nature. I love the smell of spring. Soon the lilacs will be 
blooming and the roses will bring their vivid colors into our lives.
The air will begin to smell like  floral perfume. Refreshing. 
  There are things that I know I will miss. I decided that 
when my time comes, I want my ashes scattered in a field of
wild flowers or planted with a lilac bush so that I can grow 
and be surrounded by wonderful scents instead of stale air and decay 
in a box.

April 20

  I quit my job today. There are too many things to accomplish. 
You can't really live your life if you constantly have to worry 
about pleasing others. Life goes too quickly to just let things 
pass you by. Reminds me of that old cliche about grabbing the 
brass ring when it is upon you.                 
  I miss having people around to talk to and laugh with.
Loneliness is a terrible thing, it can knock the breath right of you.

April 25

  It is raining today. The rain is beating down so hard 
on the windows it almost feels like they are going to break. 
I can't help but sit at the window and remember the times that 
I used to sit out in the rain and pretend that I was in the shower. 
Life was so simple then. How does the sky know when to rain? 
Does it know if the plants are thirsty? Is there some type of signal? 
How does the sun know when to warm us?  The snow must be aware of when the earth needs a blanket.  
  Those were the only thoughts then. The question of why in the world. 
If I had only known then that those questions never are answered,
perhaps I wouldn't have wasted my time.  I probably still would have.

may 1

  I went to the doctors today. I am not going to get any better,
I accept it, more than that, I choose it. I wish that everyone 
could accept my decisions about the treatments. I understand that
everyday there are great strides made in research, but in the mean time,
I suffer? I am kept alive by tubes and drugs just so the people 
around me don't have to deal with my disease? 
I don't LIKE being twenty-five and dying! 
I don't LIKE having cancer, I don't want to never have the chance
to look into the eyes of a husband or my child, but I accept it,
I wasn't given a choice about having this disease, but I refuse to 
let it have me before I live a bit. 

  Do you know what today is? A holiday, one called Beltane. 
I read about it at the library. The Pagans celebrate the 
coupling of the God and Goddess. They dance around a Maypole 
and feast on Marigold Custard and Crescent cakes. How wonderfully
free that must feel. No wonder that we have May flowers!

May 5

Happy Birthday to me! I am 25 today. A milestone. 
I wonder if my Mom made her famous strawberry and whipped cream cake.
Now that would be Heaven. My brothers and I would fight 
over the flowers and the end pieces and my Mom would beam with pride.
After cake we would all sit and I would open my presents and groan 
at Mark and Bobs gifts, it was tradition. I really miss that.
I miss them, their crooked smiles, their easy laughter.
And oh gosh, my dog, how I miss his soft fur, his playful nature. 
When I think about it, what I really miss most about him was his 
complete look of joy when I came home. I love them all so much.
I wish I could tell them, I wish they knew that the traditions 
that we used to groan about, they mean a lot when they are gone. 
I wish I could pet Sam, just one more time, and let him know that 
when I came home each day, I was truly happy to see him too.  
I have no more tears left. Cancer took them away too, nothing 
is sacred to this disease.

May 10

  I woke up this morning drenched in sweat....
its horrible....I was walking in the park
the other day and I stopped and sat on 
the edge of a fountain...to watch these young children play...
they were running sand through their fingers...giggling...their 
laughter was infectious..I found myself laughing so hard 
I began crying..and I couldnt stop...I couldnt stop because 
I knew what they were seeing...I had looked in the mirror this 
morning...stood naked and looked, do you know what I saw? 
I saw horror...I saw ribs that I could count...hip bones that 
protruded....I look like a walking skeleton...and when I looked
at my face...it was equally as nightmarish....my cheeks are so gaunt...
the rings under my eyes...are beyond dark...they are black....
and I realize what everyone else sees...everyone else sees this monster...
do the mothers in the park think i dont know those looks? 
Hear this whispers? " What do you think is wrong with that girl? 
Anorexia perhaps? Drugs? Alcohol?"  I want to shout at them...
I depise them. I hate that they will be able to hold 
their children and soothe their tears...rock them to sleep...
they will be able to feel the love of a man....
their boring lives that they take for granted...
I wish I could have just a taste of that...just a small taste.....

 
May 11

May 25

  I havent been writing much...I havent been doing much of anything...everything hurts....
all I think about is dying...
I wish it were over sooner.....all I want is for 
things to go back to before I got sick...I called home 
today...Just to hear my moms voice....
gosh how I miss her sing song greeting "Hellllooo?" 
The boys and I used to laugh at her all the time, 
we used to try to imitate it as best 
we could and not even come close.  
Ive had that same death bury dream alot....I dont 
know what to think.....
Oh how I wish to crawl up in my mothers arms and seek safe 
haven in her embrace... a mothers embrace...my mothers embrace....

May 28

  Today is a holiday...Memorial Day...
the air wafting through my cracked windows smells of grilled goods. 
Gosh how I miss that.  I drove into the country side today....
I wanted to see the ocean.  Feel the moisture and smell the crisp air.  
My skin was hydrated by the slight mist that sprayed up when the waves
crashed into the earth hugging the sand.  The water is such a lovely thing...
the melody of all its creatures is soothing...I could have 
sat there forever.  I thought of walking into the depths and making 
them my home.  I couldnt...I couldnt give my family that burden, 
the burden of no closure.  Its bad enough that they have no idea 
where I am now.  I all the house sometimes, just to hear their voices.  
Dads rich baritone...and Moms singsong hello, 
although it lately sounds flat....I want so badly for them to know
for them to see that I am well.  As well as can be.  I went to the Dr friday....He said all he can do 
is make me comfortable, comfortable with drugs.  
Pain relievers,this disease is eating away at my 
insides consumming me and everything I am...pain relievers 
arent going to do anything but make it lessen for a couple of hours.  
Big fucking deal. If I live with the pain...I am reminded of my mortality, 
I ve made the better choice.

June 5

  For days I have been having the same dream...
each day it gets worse and worse...it starts out that 
I am with this most handsome gentleman...and we are in evening wear, 
I have on this long beautiful sequined gown, midnight blue...
and we are dancing under soft candle light with the smell 
of baby roses permeating the air...we are on the roof of some 
building, some very tall building, the full moon and bright stars 
seem to be within arms reach....We are dancing slowly, 
holding eachother close and as we swirl and turn the smell 
suddenly begins to change around me...it becomes moist and dank, 
the night darkens and laughter escapes the mouth of my partner 
which is now a skeletons form...he sings fangs into my neck and 
begins to drink my lifes force....
its sad.

June 26

  This Journal has become my best friend...and I have even been ingoring
it. I dont know what my problem is. I vowed to make the most out of 
this meager last few months and all I have been doing is 
lying here wasting my mind on television.  
  The BIG holiday is coming up for my family...July 4th....
my family throughs this huge picnic and everyone eats themselves silly. 
Dad puts on his chefs hat and stands behind the grill occasionally 
flipping a burger to the ground pretending it was accidental and 
Sammy will chomp it down...the boys will wait for the night to fall 
so that they can light the fireworks out in the boat, so that the sky 
over the water is illuminated bye colors and sparks. 
God, I wish to be part of that.  
  I am unable to stop the tears lately...
there are constant streaks down my face...even when I wake up 
in the morning.  How I long to stroke the fur of Sammy....
I so regret the nights I kicked him out of my bed....
the times I told him he was a smelly stinky beast....and he would
look at me with those sad brown eyes....did he know? did he know
what I was saying?  I would now throw my arms around his neck and 
hold on for dear life.  I think about the boys all the time,  
Marks so incredible sense of humor...always playing pranks.  
And Bobby....his stoic self, his undying loyalty to those around him.  
OH how I wish that I didnt have to make these choices in life....
  This is how I feel....While some people may look at what 
I have done as selfish, I do not.  I wanted my family...my parents 
and brothers, my close friends to remember me how I was...
with a smile on my face and a ring to my laughter. 
The ever present "glint if mischief" as my dad called it, in my eyes.  
I dont possess any of those things now. Instead i have flat eyes, 
and empty laughter.  So people can call me selfish, in fact they have 
called me selfish, selfish because I am denying my loved ones these 
last few months with me... I dont see it that way...I see that I am 
saving them bad memories of myself dying...slowly withering away....
How is that wrong?????  

June 27

  I'm going to take a vacation...just a short one...
but a vacation none the less.  Im going to go see the 
Northern Lights...and all the glory that they possess.  
The brilliant colors...purples and blues...I cannot wait. 
It will take me nine hours to drive there.  Im going to go.

June 29

  I drove to the mountains of Montana...
and while the Northern Lights eluded me...
the beauty and peacefulness did not.  
I cannot even describe what I did see...it was amazing... 
the high mountain tops covered in a capping snow 
the brown hues mixed with that of white..
while evergreens so large dance gracefully in the 
gentle cool breeze. The streams that ran down the mountains 
and over the rocks was so cold that immediatly my hand 
turned blue when I knelt beside and breathed in the sweet water smell.  
And the air, the air was sooo incredible.  Fresh...not one 
smell of smog or stale air.  Oh what I would give to be 
able to be there for eternity.
Im envious of anyone that can live with the beauty of that place. 

July 1

  Each day it gets harder and harder to live here.  
I miss my parents and brothers and dog soo much...
I miss how my Mom would stroke my hair when I was sick...
I miss how my dad would spend from the day after Thanksgiving 
until late Christmas night singing carols...with his rich baritone 
ringing in our ears my brothers and I would giggle and 
open presents like school children.  It hit me today...
I am never again going to be a physical part of theor celebrations.  
Never again will I feel the touch of my parents hands on my skin...
nor the soft fur of Sammy...How is that fair?  
  The teach us of a merciful God...Please someone 
show me this being..prove to me he exists...
and have this being look into my eyes and explain why I 
am losing my life at the age of 25...to me, that isnt merciful, 
but rather cruel. I WANT to hear him explain why I have lost 
my hair...WHY I will never bring life into this world.  
WHY my insides are decaying slowly...bringing me the only 
friend I have now...pain...that is NOT merciful.  
That is mean and horrible.

July 5

  I called my Mom today...I told her where I am...
she was crying so badly..I can't take it any longer...
I cannot live this way....I talked to her for an hour...
but I can't recall one word that was said...
I am sitting her shrouded in blankets with my air conditioner on.
  Today is the day...Today is the day that I am 
leaving this earth...I know she will come here.  
Maybe I am being selfish...all I can think is of that Frost poem...
Miles to go before I sleep...that is all that is wandering 
through my mind as I drift in and out...
Miles to go before I sleep...Miles to go.......



 I was a child...really just 10...when I met the man called Bill...
he was a patient in an old folks home that I delivered papers to.  
That man, that wonderful delightful man filled my mind and my life 
with sweet memories and thoughts for many years to come.  
I dont think that I have ever properly thanked him...
nor acknowledged him as I should have.  So, with you, I shall share him...
This man touched me, heart and soul...I wish you all could have met him.  I raise my glass to you gramps, where ever you are, I hope you are happy!


Lasting Impressions

 The old man sat in the green chair before the window, 
staring into space, the smell of the room resembled that of 
death..and decay.  I often wondered how people could stay there, 
didnt they smell it? Didn't then know what it was? Didnt they want 
to escape?
" I have your paper sir...shall I leave it for you?"
 The man turned his head in my direction and smiled slightly. 
I watched amused as his face lite up at the sound of a foreign voice.
" Ah...Lass, I can't read the paper...perhaps once upon a day, 
but now, these old eyes can't read that print..."
  A myriad of emotions crossed the mans face, looking back now, 
I can say that those were memories... memories of years and people passed.  
A smile slowly spread across his face and he turned back to the window 
and once again stared at the sunlight coming threw..as I a child of ten wondered exactly what it was the old man was seeing as he stared.  
I would find out...and my life would be forever changed...

 I walked through the stark white hallways of the rest home, 
going from room to room, delivering papers to people that couldnt read them, wondering if they were really delivered to appease the families, 
perhaps a comfort measure to ease their minds a bit...
I always saved the mans room for last.  Over the last couple of months, 
I had continued to deliver the paper to him...and read it to him...laughed 
and smiled with the man that I had begun to call Grandpa Bill...
"Gramps, Im here!" it was necessary to announce myself as 
I had learned that Grandpa was blind, that is why he couldnt read the paper.. He always knew when I was there, but still, it made me feel
 better to announce my presence.
"ahh my sweet lass, How was school today?  Is your homework done? 
What are you reading? Are you done with your route?"
 I couldnt help but laugh he was like a mother hen. 
"Yes gramps, my homework is done, school was good, we are reading 
"A wrinkle in time" for English and yes my route is done. You know I always save you for last so that I can spend time with you"
 It was his turn to smile. "I know lass, I know, but what kind of 
person would I be if I didnt ask you those things?" The man had become 
like a parental figure to me, and I enjoyed the time I was given to 
spend with him.
"Ready gramp?  Where do you want me to start today? Lets skip the obits."
Everyday we went through the same conversation, I knew where 
he wanted me to start, always with the obituaries, then read the rest of the newspaper cover to cover.
"lassie, Im thinking that today we tell stories, forget about the newspaper!"
I was totally shocked my his words..but quickly agreed.  How I loved his stories.  He often made me feel like I was part of the story, 
not an observer."What do you want to hear today My Sweet Lass?"
"How about the heather fields gramps?" I sighed slightly as I answered him
Grandpa was from Scotland, obviously a land he greatly missed. The Stories
he told of its beauty made me want to be from there as well.
"Ah...nice choice my sweetie!" 

 I settled comfortably into the chair next to his by the window as 
gramps began to stare into the sunlight out the window again.  I had learned 
that when he was staring out that window he was thinking of being home..
Gramps had married I learned, but never had any children, or grandchildren
I was the closest thing he had ever come close to.
" The hills roll covered in green so deep you almost feel like you are looking into an emerald lass...there arent words enough to describe their beauty,
and the heather, that covers the emeralds with a gentle whisper of Amethyst"
Gramps sighed and became silent, I knew he was reliving his memories in his mind. I never minded that, I would sit there with him until I noticed that his 
breathing had become shallow and his eyes closed...and I would silently slip 
out of his room while he was taking his afternoon nap.

 "Gramps! you need to blow out the candles! you cant just cut the cake!"  
I was enjoying the time we were having for Gramps eighty-ninth birthday, his sisters, whom I had heard about all the time but never met were there, I had asked my mom if I could take a cake there, decorated as rolling green hills dotted with purple to resemble the hills of Scotland.  I knew Gramps couldnt see it, but he could enjoy the thought none the less.  Gramps sister Jennie, 
snapped some pics of the cake and gramp sitting in front of it.
I laughed as Gramps blew out the candles and smiled like a child in a toy store.
"Do i get to make a wish!?" 
"Of course gramps! now hop to it!!!!"
Gramps beamed with wonderment as he blew out a short breath in the direction of the heat from the candles and the flames swayed slightly in the gentle breeze that was his breath.  I took in a sharp breath and blew them out from my direction.
"ahhhh lassie! you cheated! you helped me, now my wish will never come true!"
"yes it will gramps! yes it will!"

 I kissed the wrinkled cheek as he silently slept from his busy day and snuck quietly out of his room bidding him a silent goodbye and telling him I would see him tomorrow, I walked home in the warm May sun smiling happily.

 
 I walked off the elevator of the third floor and made my way to room 309 
"gramps! im here" I said as I walked through the brown door.  My eyes were met by an empty chair and an empty bed. I made my way out to the deck, where gramps had started enjoying his afternoon warmth.
"lassie?"
 I turned silently in the direction which the voice had come, it wasnt that of gramps, but rather that of the one of the floor nurses. 
"Yes Ma'am?"
 I had to laugh, that was all they ever heard Gramps call me in the two years that I had been going to see him, everyday after school. It was two months before my twelveth birthday, and it was a warm afternoon, I was there early, as we had a half day of school.
"Come sit over here sweetie"
 I went over to the desk, I didnt sit, but rather was craning my head in the direction of the deck.  Gramps had been telling me of his childhood, and I was eager to hear more, it was such a different time, different place, I was totally intrigued.
 The nurse handed me a tissue as I looked into her eyes, and I could see the tears welling within, I knew..I knew that Gramps had gone home.  I knew that he was running within those fields of heather with his long time sweet heart and his puppy, laughter abundant in every movement.
 I got up and I ran to the elevator, I didnt even let her tell me, I had known..Gramps had told me, his wish....his wish was to go home....




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