UPDATED 3-9-2005

A lot of folks have asked me to elaborate on my personal journey through my transgendered issues so here goes……….

I have had feelings that something was very different about me from a very early age, probably around 5 or 6 years old, though I could never put my finger on what it was. I guess I was sort of a tomboy, but I never fit the classic tomboy mold of being particularly athletic, though I was into boy’s toys and clothes and most of my friends growing up were boys. This feeling of being different never really went away, I guess I just put it on a shelf until I got old enough to understand what I was feeling inside.

I grew up in private schools and, when I hit my teenage years, I was in a Christian school where I was forced to adhere to a dress code which required me to wear skirts. The years spent there were very confusing and difficult for me because, while my peers were getting into make-up, boys, and hanging out at the mall, I was staying at home pursuing my interests in the military and martial arts. I also was doing a lot of reading, writing, and basically keeping to myself. I had struggles with my religious beliefs as well and tried to figure out how that tied in with who I was.

Needless to say, I only had one close friend during those years who stayed torn between her loyalty to our friendship and wanting to fit in with our peers, which was something she could not do and hang around me because I was very much a loner, and very different from the others. As I got older I reluctantly tried to fit in. I started trying to be more sociable, started wearing make-up and tried to dress fashionably. I also started dating, having a succession of losers in my life that served more as a cover-up for me than anything serious.

I ended up going to a public high school which was a nightmare for me because, all of a sudden, I was thrust out of what had become somewhat of a comfort zone into something totally new. It had its advantages though because I was able to learn a lot more about the world than I ever could in the sheltered life I had before. I got to meet people from all walks of life and interests and found that, for the first time, I had a lot of friends. It was there that I started learning about homosexuality and started hearing things about crossdressers, but I still had not heard anything about the term "transgendered" or "transsexual". It was around this time that I met a guy that I started dating shortly after graduation that I eventually married. Looking back, I think I got married more because it was the socially acceptable thing to do than because I really wanted to. In fact, I knew on my wedding day I was making a mistake but I did love him and I went through it because I thought maybe it WAS for the best. I should say here that I had resolved that I would not have children and he knew this when we married. Anyway, I decided I would try to make a go of this thing called marriage and see if what I felt inside would go away.

Needless to say, it didn’t! It had only gotten worse and now I had someone else to consider as well…my new husband. He and I were fine for awhile but then the arguing started. He felt that he could not pursue his interests being married to me and he had a growing resentment for the fact that I did not want children. I had a growing sense of being stuck in a situation I was not happy with and a depression that comes from only presenting to the world a shell of who I really was. I had created a version of myself to suit him and everyone else, and it was killing me inside. I also had a sense of guilt because there was a part of me I had not let him in on. I was doing the same thing I did as a child by putting it on a shelf until I could deal with it and until I knew what IT was.

After a year and a half or marriage, give or take, we separated and got divorced a year later. I was now free to search within myself to see what lie beneath the feminine, conservative exterior I had created…and the real journey began. Shortly after this I bought my first computer and began searching the Internet for information about this thing called "transgenderism" which I had only heard about on TV and tried to find support in my area.

I was truly amazed at the amount of information out there and the thought that there might be ALOT of others like me out there going through the same thing. I soon found two groups in the Charlotte area, Kappa Beta (a chapter of Tri-Ess), and the Triad Gender Association. I tentatively called the corresponding secretary for the TGA, who at that time was my now good friend Sherri Lynn. She was so understanding and informative and she was able to ease my fears with her gentle manner in short order.

To give a little background info here, from the time I got divorced up until the time I made this first contact with the community was about a two year time span. During that time I had ever-so-slowly begun to shed the image I had created and started letting the real me, that had been locked away for so long, start to come through. I had gotten my hair cut, stopped wearing make-up and got rid of most of my "female" clothes, replacing them with male clothes. The first thought most people had was that I was a lesbian coming out. However, by the time I made contact with the gender community, those people around me were starting to see that there might be more to this than meets the eye.

Anyway, after I talked to Sherri, I made plans to attend my first support group meeting. Up to this point, while my wardrobe was male, I did not have anything nice, like a suit and tie to wear, and had not been in public dressed like that, as I so very much desired to do. I went shopping, found a suit, and, on the day of the meeting, spent two hours slowly and methodically shaving, getting dressed, and calming myself down. That day was truly memorable and wonderful for me for it was the first day I truly stepped out into the world as ME, and it felt great!

During this early period of transition I had begun to explore my sexual orientation in addition to my gender identity. There had been a number of times in my life where my attractions had led me to other women and a number of men of very different backgrounds and characteristics. I found myself in a relationship with a woman and, in her I found a lot of the sense of myself I had been hiding from. I loved her a great deal but I was to soon found out that our love was not enough when I began my gender transition and joined the support groups.

Shortly after this first meeting at the TGA I went in for reduction mammoplasty on November 21, 1997. I was unfortunately well endowed from the female perspective and it had been causing me to have complications with my back and spine. It had been determined about a month earlier that I needed cosmetic surgery and maybe that would help out with the pain I was having. Of course, the added bonus to this was that I would no longer have to go through the pain and discomfort of binding my chest with an Ace bandage(which, by the way, was still difficult to conceal and gave me a very strange shape)!

My surgery was a success and it had also been covered by insurance since it was medically necessary. I attended my first Kappa Beta meeting shortly after this. Let me tell you, the feeling of being able to comfortably bind, wear a suit, and maybe have a prayer of passing was incredible! I was enjoying crossdressing because I could finally start to be myself but something still was not quite right.

I started to become more active in the tg community by getting on the board of directors at both the TGA and Kappa Beta and I made many TG friends during this time. In fact, it was one of these friends, who was a TS, that told me of a family practice physician I might be able to see about hormones and suggested a therapist to see about taking the MMPI and getting my letter. The more I researched hormones the more interested I became. I still did not have a male voice and without hormones I could not have the facial hair I so desired.

Every time I looked in the mirror I still felt that something was missing. I had decided I could live with my chest and what was between my legs, but I knew in my heart that, ever since I was a child, I had wanted to have a beard and mustache. I also wanted to have a male voice. So, I made an appointment with that therapist and also with the doctor. After several with each I had gotten my letter and I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT) on the third weekend of May 1998, which also happened to be the weekend I got elected to the board of Kappa Beta. I was the first, and only FTM in that group to serve on the board of directors. In fact, I was the only FTM member!

All of this excitement in my life was quelled by the fact that the start of my hormone therapy also signaled the end of my relationship with my girlfriend. She was a lesbian by identity and could not accept that she would be seen as a heterosexual female after my transition. An interesting side note though is that she told me later on that she too might have considered gender transition if she'd had the chance. I found that rather ironic considering that she couldn't deal with my own transition.

Contrary to what I had read about how long it took for the hormones to take effect, by June 1998 my monthly menstrual cycle had completely stopped and my voice had begun to change. People at work started noticing and questioning and it became time to attempt the inevitible..TRANSITION ON THE JOB. This was the one thing I thought I would never be able to do but somehow, miraculously, I was able to do it. I remember having been scared to death though, because I was sort of forced to do this earlier than I thought I would have to (because of the effects the hormones had made & I was thinking I had at least 6 months or so).

By September 1998, when I attended my first Southern Comfort Conference in Atlanta, my voice had deepened to a passable level and I had grown sideburns. I still had one thing left to do to be truly living full time though. I HAD to get my name legally changed. I had been putting off doing this because of the money it involved. (Trying to transition without money is like trying to drive a car without an engine....you won't get anywhere!)

I finally saved up the money and called upon a friend of mine, who was an attorney, and who has a gender-friendly legal practice, to help me get my name changed. On Feb. 23, 1999 I legally became Andrew. I had my license changed to reflect my new name and changed residence shortly after that. I wanted to live somewhere where noone knew me for who I was before. I did not do this out of fear of my former self being identified, but more because I was wanting to start a new life, of sorts, and also because I felt I would be safer in a place where noone knew I was transgendered.

I continued to see the physician who first prescribed me the hormones and he has always treated me with respect. While I feel very fortunate about this, I feel deep sympathy for the number of trans people who have been unable to find such support in the medical community. Since I had always had some medical complications and because I was now on testosterone, it was decided that the next best course of action was a complete hysterectomy. I had this done on August 26, 1999. This also was a success.

At this time I was a bit lonely and tired of the single life. It was at one of the Tri-Ess groups that was at that time meeting in Burlington that I met the lady who was to become my next girlfriend. As strange as it sounds, when I met her she was the wife of a heterosexual crossdresser. Even stranger, the three of us became fast friends. Some time later the two of them divorced and she moved out on her own. We started dating and eventually moved in together.

In Lisa I found a great friend and a very caring and supportive partner. She had come into my life at a time when I needed someone the most and I felt lucky to have her in it. We settled down into life together and things were good.

Life pretty much went on as usual after this. I had begun to re-evaluate my feelings about my chest though, and, on August 8, 2000, I had top surgery through the double incision method. You can read more about this on my Top Surgery Journal page. I returned to work after six weeks of paid medical leave and, although noone said anything, I think everyone was wondering and looking at me. You see, I think alot of folks thought I had gone out to have SRS and weren't ABOUT to ask me about it!

Needless to say I was loving life after chest surgery. I was finally free to be as I felt I was always meant to be. You never know just how much of a true pain in the butt something is until that something is GONE!!

In November I decided to take another personal "great leap forward" and I quit my job. Many folks think I was crazy for doing that because I had it pretty good as far as jobs go and I had transitioned successfully there with little repercussions. I live by a certain philosophy though and one of the codes in that philosophy is that if you are not truly happy with something that something can't be all that good. There is more to life than money and if you find yourself in a job that is going nowhere and you are feeling trapped it is time to move on. This was MY time! Besides, as of that time I had not had the experience of working someplace full-time where noone knew I was TG. I wanted to know what that was like.

I got my answer shortly thereafter. I found another job in a COMPLETELY different field and work environment, training as a lineman for a major company. It was an all-male work environment and they didn't know I was TG. The job was physically challenging and it was a completely different social situation than I was used to but I think I did ok and I liked the job. I was accepted completely as one of the guys and seemed to fit in well.

However, sometimes in life all good things must come to an end and this did. I was the low man on the pole and when they needed to cut overhead I was the first one cut. I found myself sort of regretful that I had left my last job because I found myself unemployed for the first time in my life

It felt sort of like having my security blanket YANKED out from under me. I felt like a fish out of water. However, after much soul-searching and reflection I have come to realize that this was a blessing in disguise because I have spent the last 12 years of my life just working to survive-to have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food on my table. I realized I had done this at the expense of my dreams. I had been afraid to take risks to follow those dreams but I now realize that sometimes you have to if your dreams are ever going to be realized.

Everyone's dreams are different. For some, their dreams revolve around money and material wealth. They live to see who can have the biggest house and drive the fanciest car. For others, it is to have a position of power and authority. For me, it is simply to go to back to college and finish what I started so many years ago and to be with someone I loved. I am what one would call a lifelong learner. I love to learn new things and I may well be in college off and on for the rest of my natural life but I really just want to pursue my interest in anthropology. Perhaps one day I will be "Dr. Drew"??

Not long after this job layoff my relationship with Lisa also ended. It had been my choice and my "fault", not hers. I felt something pulling me away and I knew there were things I had to do in my life. I felt at the time that, knowing this, it would be unfair to her to string her along in a relationship where I knew I could not give 100%. It was hard on her but, like the strong woman she is, she survived and moved on.

To Lisa I'd like to say thanks for all the memories and for always being there for me. I feel she will always be a part of my life. To learn more about her, visit her websites in the "Links" section of this website.

After all of this I tried several different relationships with various people, from bisexual men, to other transmen, to transwomen. While they were all learning experiences for me that I wouldn't trade for anything, my search continued for the right person for me. After Lisa I never again tried relationships with a biological female but thats not to say she ruined that for me. I just never met anyone else like her!

To summarize where I am at now in my life and with other people, I am not in school at the moment, by circumstance, not by choice. I do, however, have a job doing something I've alway wanted to do...working as a lab tech. I also have settled down with Sherri, the transwoman I mentioned earlier who was my first contact with the TG community. You can learn more about her, and us, on another page in this site. Needless to say, life is good again!

I am still very involved in the community, now running the TGA and the Tarheel Transmen (a group I formed for FTM's in NC back in 2000). I think my voice has gone as deep as it is going to go(so much for the James Earl Jones voice I had hoped for!). I have been able to grow a full beard, though the mustache leaves much to be desired. I have profuse body hair and it pretty well covers up the scarring I had from the chest reduction and later top surgery. The surgery scars are healed up nicely and I am hoping they will be almost invisible with time.

A lot of people have asked me if this is the end of my transgendered journey to which I must reply that life itself is a neverending journey, and being transgendered has become as much a part of my life as anything else. Will I have SRS? I do not know the answer to that. What I do know is that, for the time being, I am happy with where I am at. I will be the first to admit that I am afraid of the thought of SRS, since it is so much more involved and costly for FTM's.

The next question people ask is that, if the medical community can come up with a cost-effective, safe SRS for FTM's with a much-improved appearance and functionality would I go for it then? Still, the answer is that I do not know. I try to take each day as it comes and live it to the fullest. I have found that for me, life provides its own answers, so I do not need to spend it searching for them.

It has not been the easiest of roads, though I must admit that I have been very fortunate. I honestly think the part of my life before transition was by far more difficult than the part during and after transition has been, because I could not really be me at that time. It is always easier in the end to be yourself than to be something you are not.

As I am in contact with alot of people who are just coming out, I get asked for my advice alot. The best advice I have been able to give is to be proud of who you are as a person. Take your time, open your heart, and let destiny guide you down the path of your life, for nothing that is forced or rushed ever turns out the way you want it to. Stand up for your beliefs. Be kind to yourself and others. Put your faith and trust in whatever you believe to be true. Most importantly, be true to yourself.

As for the people in my life, Lisa has moved on and found the partner of her dreams, whom she has been with now for over three years. Her ex, whom she divorced, has discovered she is transsexual, has transitoned, is now engaged to be married to a wonderful man, and is soon to have SRS. All of us are friends to this day, holding no grudges for what has past but rather delighting in the things that have bound us together as friends.

Sherri and I are still together (and still happy!) and she has finallly been able to be the woman she was always meant to be. We are planning our life together while trying to live each day to the fullest. She has been a wonderful partner, a lover, a kindred spirit, a teacher, and a friend. We've made a lot of wonderful memories together and many more are sure to come!

Stay tuned for the continuing adventures of two transpeople in love! :-)