Gentlemen,
I wish to apply immediately for the job of Second Trombone and I already have the two trombones. Although I have not played much in an orchestra, I have played along with lots of classic (no vocal) records. I found that it I slowed them up a little, that the songs automatically went into the flat keys which are much easier, but I think I could learn to do the sharp keys in a short time.
I was a student for several years of Mr. Remington (Buck, not Emery) and then went with the circus band where my tone really got great. You don't have to worry about me being able to blast through on that Vogner stuff, that's for sure. After I watched "10", I got out my horn and worked up a really great solo on "Bolero" ( do you know there's a dance by that name too?) but I still have trouble knowing when to come in with the record. Does your arrangement sound the same all the way through, too? Anyway, I know that if I get the job the people of Chicago will like my version better, which is doo-wop.
Would I have to sit real close to the violins? They never seem to play very loud and my tone sort of cuts off when I have to play too soft so it would be best if I could sit in front of the drums, like in the circus band. Also, I'd like to sit on the outside so that people could see me.
I am practicing every day for the audition and am working on a new thing called legato, but it's still a little smeary. I think you'll like it, though. But, if your music is anything like this Rubank stuff, it will be a challenge. There is a position on trombones called 5th, but there are hardly any notes there. Does your music have many of those notes and if so, what are they? I'd like to know all of this before I pay bus fare down to Chicago and how much does the job pay? I'm really looking forward to coming down, but why would I have to play behind a screen in the winter?
Sincerely,
Slide Rafferty
P.S.: I have lots of music stands and probably have one like you guys use, so that would be a cost saving.
"The Reply" Dear Slide,Thank you for your application to fill our opening of second trombone. We are currently re-organizing our orchestra, and are looking for several top quality musicians. Our steam-calliopist is retiring next month, and we are auditioning for that position right now. As soon as we fill that position, we will be able to start auditioning trombonists for the second trombone position, but right now, we are afraid that any trombonists we hire wouldn't be able to project over the calliope, so we are holding off on those auditions.
We have been forced to let most of our violinists go because of poor projection problems, but we have been able to place most of them in the clown crew, and a few have become percussionists. We will keep your application on file, and contact you as soon as the trombone auditions begin.
Thank you,
Harold "Hooten" Holler, Placement Director
Chicago Symphony Orchestra
You are one lucky dude. I am in a position to save the Chicago Symphony a bundle. Luckily for you, I am an accomplished clown as well as a proficient calliopist. I am a member of ICG(International Clowns' Guild) as well as the ex-treasurer of local #90087 of the AFCP (American Federation of Calliope Performers). I am willing to take on all three responsibilites (second trombone included) for double the musician's union scale, thus saving you the clown fees.
Additionally, I am willing to hand out towels in the men"s room during the intermission for tips. This act of kindness will not cost the Symphony a single penny. Please respond ASAP because I have already received offers from the Metropolitan Opera Company, the Barnum and Bailey Circus and the Flying Wallendas. Have the contract ready when I arrive. Time is of the essence.
Sincerely,
Slide Rafferty
P.S. Please send check in advance for tuxedo rental and bus fare.